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Boyfriend bailed on plans, sent odd texts


newheart

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(10 month relationship, me 39 w/ 3 kids, him 42 no kids, both divorced) Because I have children, while they are 13-19, we generally see each other 2 – 3 times per week when they are home.

 

This weekend, we knew in advance we were not seeing each other on Saturday because he had a work event and we discussed kayaking on Sunday if the weather were nice (discussed this last weekend). Tuesday night, we hung out and again talked about kayaking Sunday, and because the weather was supposed to be iffy, we’d do something else. We saw each other for a few hours Friday night. I didn’t stay over because he had an early morning work event on Saturday. I told him he should go to bed because it was late, and he said, “I know, but I won’t get to see you tomorrow.” We spoke about hanging out Sunday and that we wouldn’t kayak because of the chance of thunderstorms, and we talked about inviting his family over for a game day around 1 (they are big board game fanatics). He said that I could come over anytime because he’d just be mowing the lawn in the morning. We also spoke about what kind of food we’d serve. To me, regardless of what we did or who showed up, it was clear we were spending the afternoon/evening together.

 

Saturday was regular – he texted during the day and again when he got home for the evening. He said his family was going to let him know Sunday morning if they were coming. Sunday morning, I was out walking and sent him a picture about the beautiful morning, wishing we were kayaking and hoping that we had a few more nice days like this for it. He responded about twenty minutes later that he just got in from mowing the lawn and was getting in the shower. He didn’t acknowledge the kayak text, but I didn’t think it was a big deal. After I was showered, I texted him to see if he heard anything from his mother and he hadn’t. Since his family wasn’t coming at 1, I said I’d take my daughter to a movie at 1 and come over around 4, and asked if he wanted to make dinner together. I also said if his family changed their minds, that is fine too, it would be fun. I received an odd text back that he “wasn’t sure what he was doing”, and to text him after the movie. I thought it was weird for him to write that since we were supposed to see each other, but tried not to read into it too much.

 

After the movie, I went home and took care of a few things, and called him instead of texting because 1) texting can be misconstrued and I was confused by his earlier text and 2) if we were going to discuss dinner, that would be easier. He didn’t answer. A half hour later I sent him one text letting him know I was home and ready. Another hour goes by before he texts back that – “Hey, sorry I missed your call, I took a ride to *state park* and my Bluetooth was off” then followed up with, “I think I am just going to relax tonight and get ready for the work week. How was the movie?”

 

I was (am?) surprised and confused, for so many reasons. He took a ride to the state park alone, knowing that we were supposed to hang out? He told me to text him after the movie, yet allegedly didn’t check his phone for that hour and a half? He knew I planned out my day to be with him, and it’s clear that he didn’t want to. And I am hurt - why wouldn’t he want me to relax alongside him? I was also worried in that hour and a half I didn’t hear from him because he has never not responded when we had plans (or ever, really). I know an hour and a half isn’t long, and I assumed he was napping, but as I wasn’t hearing from him, I was worried.

 

I didn’t know how to respond to his texts. I thought about calling him, but figured I may be too emotional and overreact. My initial reaction was to break up with him, and I didn’t want to make any hasty decisions. I spoke to a good friend for a while first, and then simply texted back, “I am glad all is okay, I was worried. I am disappointed because we were supposed to spend time together today, and I planned for that.” (In hindsight, maybe the worrying was silly? But I am worrier, and he knows this about me) I wanted to let him know I was disappointed. He responded, “Why were you worried? Lol. I didn’t really think we had set plans. I’m just not feeling well.”

 

I was taken aback by the LOL … I didn’t think any of this was funny. And no matter what he says, we did have plans – even if we didn’t know exactly WHAT we’d be doing, we discussed spending time together a few times, and I think this is a BS excuse. I am going to be honest that even if he was upfront and told me in the morning he wanted to be alone today, I would have been hurt. But, I feel even more so hurt that I feel like he concocted the excuse of “not knowing we had set plans” to not see me. Even say he didn’t know – when I texted him about coming at 4 pm, that didn’t clue him in? And most importantly – why? I interpret yesterday’s actions as him not wanting to be with me and being afraid to tell me, but I have also known to overreact and overanalyze, lol.

 

Side note: he is not a good communicator. He said he was when we first met, and it became apparent to me halfway through that this wasn't the case. We've discussed this, and he acknowledges he has communication issues with his family but that he wouldn't be that way with me. I think he believes that to be true and doesn't intentionally clam up, but he does. I think something is going on with him, and I don't know if it is us or something else.

 

I never responded to his last text. I need a day to process where to go. I don’t feel this was a respectful way to treat me. Am I overreacting? We have (had?) plans with my kids tomorrow night, and we have a family wedding of his to attend in a week and a half. At first, I was just going to not respond at all until he reaches out, but now I am thinking I need to discuss this in person and just ask him – what happened yesterday? And go from there. I was going to ask him to meet me tonight to talk.

 

Thoughts?

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(10 month relationship, me 39 w/ 3 kids, him 42 no kids, both divorced) Because I have children, while they are 13-19, we generally see each other 2 – 3 times per week when they are home.

 

This weekend, we knew in advance we were not seeing each other on Saturday because he had a work event and we discussed kayaking on Sunday if the weather were nice (discussed this last weekend). Tuesday night, we hung out and again talked about kayaking Sunday, and because the weather was supposed to be iffy, we’d do something else. We saw each other for a few hours Friday night. I didn’t stay over because he had an early morning work event on Saturday. I told him he should go to bed because it was late, and he said, “I know, but I won’t get to see you tomorrow.” We spoke about hanging out Sunday and that we wouldn’t kayak because of the chance of thunderstorms, and we talked about inviting his family over for a game day around 1 (they are big board game fanatics). He said that I could come over anytime because he’d just be mowing the lawn in the morning. We also spoke about what kind of food we’d serve. To me, regardless of what we did or who showed up, it was clear we were spending the afternoon/evening together.

 

Saturday was regular – he texted during the day and again when he got home for the evening. He said his family was going to let him know Sunday morning if they were coming. Sunday morning, I was out walking and sent him a picture about the beautiful morning, wishing we were kayaking and hoping that we had a few more nice days like this for it. He responded about twenty minutes later that he just got in from mowing the lawn and was getting in the shower. He didn’t acknowledge the kayak text, but I didn’t think it was a big deal. After I was showered, I texted him to see if he heard anything from his mother and he hadn’t. Since his family wasn’t coming at 1, I said I’d take my daughter to a movie at 1 and come over around 4, and asked if he wanted to make dinner together. I also said if his family changed their minds, that is fine too, it would be fun. I received an odd text back that he “wasn’t sure what he was doing”, and to text him after the movie. I thought it was weird for him to write that since we were supposed to see each other, but tried not to read into it too much.

 

After the movie, I went home and took care of a few things, and called him instead of texting because 1) texting can be misconstrued and I was confused by his earlier text and 2) if we were going to discuss dinner, that would be easier. He didn’t answer. A half hour later I sent him one text letting him know I was home and ready. Another hour goes by before he texts back that – “Hey, sorry I missed your call, I took a ride to *state park* and my Bluetooth was off” then followed up with, “I think I am just going to relax tonight and get ready for the work week. How was the movie?”

 

I was (am?) surprised and confused, for so many reasons. He took a ride to the state park alone, knowing that we were supposed to hang out? He told me to text him after the movie, yet allegedly didn’t check his phone for that hour and a half? He knew I planned out my day to be with him, and it’s clear that he didn’t want to. And I am hurt - why wouldn’t he want me to relax alongside him? I was also worried in that hour and a half I didn’t hear from him because he has never not responded when we had plans (or ever, really). I know an hour and a half isn’t long, and I assumed he was napping, but as I wasn’t hearing from him, I was worried.

 

I didn’t know how to respond to his texts. I thought about calling him, but figured I may be too emotional and overreact. My initial reaction was to break up with him, and I didn’t want to make any hasty decisions. I spoke to a good friend for a while first, and then simply texted back, “I am glad all is okay, I was worried. I am disappointed because we were supposed to spend time together today, and I planned for that.” (In hindsight, maybe the worrying was silly? But I am worrier, and he knows this about me) I wanted to let him know I was disappointed. He responded, “Why were you worried? Lol. I didn’t really think we had set plans. I’m just not feeling well.”

 

I was taken aback by the LOL … I didn’t think any of this was funny. And no matter what he says, we did have plans – even if we didn’t know exactly WHAT we’d be doing, we discussed spending time together a few times, and I think this is a BS excuse. I am going to be honest that even if he was upfront and told me in the morning he wanted to be alone today, I would have been hurt. But, I feel even more so hurt that I feel like he concocted the excuse of “not knowing we had set plans” to not see me. Even say he didn’t know – when I texted him about coming at 4 pm, that didn’t clue him in? And most importantly – why? I interpret yesterday’s actions as him not wanting to be with me and being afraid to tell me, but I have also known to overreact and overanalyze, lol.

 

Side note: he is not a good communicator. He said he was when we first met, and it became apparent to me halfway through that this wasn't the case. We've discussed this, and he acknowledges he has communication issues with his family but that he wouldn't be that way with me. I think he believes that to be true and doesn't intentionally clam up, but he does. I think something is going on with him, and I don't know if it is us or something else.

 

I never responded to his last text. I need a day to process where to go. I don’t feel this was a respectful way to treat me. Am I overreacting? We have (had?) plans with my kids tomorrow night, and we have a family wedding of his to attend in a week and a half. At first, I was just going to not respond at all until he reaches out, but now I am thinking I need to discuss this in person and just ask him – what happened yesterday? And go from there. I was going to ask him to meet me tonight to talk.

 

Thoughts?

 

Call him to firm up the plans you have with the kids and ask him something about the wedding too to get your foot in the door so to speak. Depending on how he responds, etc., you can gauge him a little better.

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I honestly think you are totally overreacting. You were going to end a 10 month relationship because he decided he wasn't feeling well and just wanted to relax at home? Seriously?

 

My impression from your post is that your plans together on Sunday were pretty loose. You were going to kayak, then decided not to because of the weather, then maybe invite his family over, but then they didn't want to do that, so you decided to take your daughter to a movie instead. This doesn't really seem like any set plans to me. It seems really loosey goosey. You say you planned out your day to be with him, but...how? You did your own thing in the morning, then went to the movies with your daughter, and then when it was convenient for you, planned to go over to his house.

 

I don't know, but I don't see what the big deal is with his communications or what happened. Are there other things going on that are making you question the relationship?

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I honestly think you are totally overreacting. You were going to end a 10 month relationship because he decided he wasn't feeling well and just wanted to relax at home? Seriously?

 

My impression from your post is that your plans together on Sunday were pretty loose. You were going to kayak, then decided not to because of the weather, then maybe invite his family over, but then they didn't want to do that, so you decided to take your daughter to a movie instead. This doesn't really seem like any set plans to me. It seems really loosey goosey. You say you planned out your day to be with him, but...how? You did your own thing in the morning, then went to the movies with your daughter, and then when it was convenient for you, planned to go over to his house.

 

I don't know, but I don't see what the big deal is with his communications or what happened. Are there other things going on that are making you question the relationship?

 

I think you missed the point of the issue. If he wanted to be alone why not just say so rather than 'pretending' they didnt have plans or that the plans were loose. They had clearly discussed seeing each other on Sunday regardless of what they intended to do.

 

I'm with you on this one OP I don't believe his excuse. It's rather defensive and defensive usually means they are hiding something.

 

Who did he go to the state park with? Just seems a bit mysterious that he disappeared off to the state park - not answering his phone or texts without communicating to you when you told him you'd be over at 4pm. Something feels off here to me.

 

Is it possible he brought someone home from his work do on Saturday?

 

If he didn't want to see you on Sunday he should have been upfront and said he wanted to relax (or have alone time) which shouldn't upset you in anyway. Everyone is entitled to alone time. However his behaviour seems unusual like he was on the spot looking for an excuse and he made one up.

 

I do not think asking him will give you any answers as he will likely be just as defensive if questioned but keep your eyes peeled.

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I think you missed the point of the issue. If he wanted to be alone why not just say so rather than 'pretending' they didnt have plans or that the plans were loose. They had clearly discussed seeing each other on Sunday regardless of what they intended to do.

 

I'm with you on this one OP I don't believe his excuse. It's rather defensive and defensive usually means they are hiding something.

 

Who did he go to the state park with? Just seems a bit mysterious that he disappeared off to the state park - not answering his phone or texts without communicating to you when you told him you'd be over at 4pm. Something feels off here to me.

 

Is it possible he brought someone home from his work do on Saturday?

 

If he didn't want to see you on Sunday he should have been upfront and said he wanted to relax (or have alone time) which shouldn't upset you in anyway. Everyone is entitled to alone time. However his behaviour seems unusual like he was on the spot looking for an excuse and he made one up.

 

I do not think asking him will give you any answers as he will likely be just as defensive if questioned but keep your eyes peeled.

 

This is how I feel. I appreciate everyone's feedback and understand, too, that I may be overreacting. It is probably a little of both!

 

I don't think that he brought anyone home at all or that there is someone else involved. Riding to the place he went to is actually something that he's told me (way before this incident) he does from time to time. I think he had something on his mind.

 

I can accept (while I'd be disappointed) wanting a day alone. I cannot accept pretending we had no plans. Loose or not, we discussed many options on what we were going to do.

 

 

Update: 10 am he texted me GM and have a happy Monday, like nothing is wrong. I still feel disappointed by yesterday. I haven't responded yet ... I don't know what to do.

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I honestly think you are totally overreacting. You were going to end a 10 month relationship because he decided he wasn't feeling well and just wanted to relax at home? Seriously?

 

My impression from your post is that your plans together on Sunday were pretty loose. You were going to kayak, then decided not to because of the weather, then maybe invite his family over, but then they didn't want to do that, so you decided to take your daughter to a movie instead. This doesn't really seem like any set plans to me. It seems really loosey goosey. You say you planned out your day to be with him, but...how? You did your own thing in the morning, then went to the movies with your daughter, and then when it was convenient for you, planned to go over to his house.

 

I don't know, but I don't see what the big deal is with his communications or what happened. Are there other things going on that are making you question the relationship?

 

By me saying I was "planning for it", I was referring to my children. They aren't babies (13 - 19) but I still make arrangements for say, dinner, when I am not going to be home. He knows this. When I texted him early in the day to see if the timing worked for him, I was making arrangements for the kids.

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I think you missed the point of the issue. If he wanted to be alone why not just say so rather than 'pretending' they didnt have plans or that the plans were loose. They had clearly discussed seeing each other on Sunday regardless of what they intended to do.

 

He told her in the text message that "he didn't really think they had set plans." Why jump to the conclusion that he's lying? Again, to me the plans sounded fairly loose and fluid, and I don't find it out of the realm of possibility that he decided as the day wore on that he didn't feel up to getting together, and there were no ulterior motives behind it.

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ChatroomHero

I kind of agree with OP, I would be frustrated. It seems pretty clear he didn't want to see her and bailed on plans a normal person knows are plans.

 

 

It doesn't sound like there were any maybes, they were planning when they were going to meet and in the middle of co-ordinating and he bailed. Situations changed but the "plan" was always OP would come to his house at some point to see him regardless of any particular event.

 

 

I think OP is bummed because this is probably feels to her like an early-dating ghost thing and as frustrating as it is early on dating someone, it's worse if you are in a serious relationship.

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He said that I could come over anytime because he’d just be mowing the lawn in the morning.

 

Since his family wasn’t coming at 1, I said I’d take my daughter to a movie at 1 and come over around 4, and asked if he wanted to make dinner together. I also said if his family changed their minds, that is fine too, it would be fun. I received an odd text back that he “wasn’t sure what he was doing”, and to text him after the movie.

 

I think he was annoyed at you. I think he had expectations of his own, just like you did. He was with you on Friday night and didn't want to leave since he wasn't going to see you on Saturday -- and was likely hoping that after he was done mowing Sunday morning, you'd likely come by and maybe spend a bigger chunk of the day with him. But you decided to go for a movie instead and go around at 4PM -- making your own plans, leaving him with not much of the day left to spend with you. In his passive aggressive attempt to "punish" you/teach you what it feels like, he went ahead on his own and likely shut his phone off. I think by then the day was almost over and he just decided to be alone.

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He told her in the text message that "he didn't really think they had set plans." Why jump to the conclusion that he's lying? Again, to me the plans sounded fairly loose and fluid, and I don't find it out of the realm of possibility that he decided as the day wore on that he didn't feel up to getting together, and there were no ulterior motives behind it.

 

Clia, I think that you are right that this is a possibility and that would be okay, but then isn't that him changing his mind? Still different from not thinking we had plans. I mean, he told me to come any time I wanted to, that he'd just be mowing the lawn. Yet he didn't know we had plans?

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I think he was annoyed at you. I think he had expectations of his own, just like you did. He was with you on Friday night and didn't want to leave since he wasn't going to see you on Saturday -- and was likely hoping that after he was done mowing Sunday morning, you'd likely come by and maybe spend a bigger chunk of the day with him. But you decided to go for a movie instead and go around at 4PM -- making your own plans, leaving him with not much of the day left to spend with you. In his passive aggressive attempt to "punish" you/teach you what it feels like, he went ahead on his own and likely shut his phone off. I think by then the day was almost over and he just decided to be alone.

 

True, I didn't think of it this way. If we had discussed it further, he'd know that I chose to come at 4 pm because I made arrangements to stay the night. I only made the shift because his parents weren't coming at 1, and this was a better plan. He usually is VERY understanding about things with the kids, so I didn't think he'd see this as a negative.

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Clia, I think that you are right that this is a possibility and that would be okay, but then isn't that him changing his mind? Still different from not thinking we had plans. I mean, he told me to come any time I wanted to, that he'd just be mowing the lawn. Yet he didn't know we had plans?

 

I think he was expecting you earlier, and got tired of waiting.

 

If you'd gone kayaking, you'd have surely been up early? And he told you to come by, as he'd just be cutting the grass.

 

The tentative plans with his parents were set for 1, so he was thinking you were going to be available. Yes, he passive aggressive 'punished' you by going to the state park, but he was tired of waiting.

 

You should have just showed up earlier, at your agreed upon time(s).

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Clia, I think that you are right that this is a possibility and that would be okay, but then isn't that him changing his mind? Still different from not thinking we had plans. I mean, he told me to come any time I wanted to, that he'd just be mowing the lawn. Yet he didn't know we had plans?

 

Maybe in his head he felt you were changing your mind by suddenly springing it on him that you were going to go see a movie with your daughter. That was never in his "plans". Maybe in his mind he was hoping by telling you he would be done mowing Sunday morning, regardless of what time his parents were/weren't coming, you'd be there to spend Sunday with him? Instead, in his mind, "plans" changed when you decided to go off for a movie? Maybe he felt bad that you didn't invite him since his parents were not coming over? The moment you say you are going for the movie, his tone/response changes. It didn't sit well with him.

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True, I didn't think of it this way. If we had discussed it further, he'd know that I chose to come at 4 pm because I made arrangements to stay the night. I only made the shift because his parents weren't coming at 1, and this was a better plan. He usually is VERY understanding about things with the kids, so I didn't think he'd see this as a negative.

 

 

How would your child care plans have differed if his parents had come by?

 

I'm really just thinking he didn't see this as a better plan.

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Zahara and Midwest, both good points. I guess I am not going to know unless I speak with him.

 

He texted me good morning like nothing was wrong ... I am going to see how I feel tonight. We definitely need to talk and clear this up, but I don't know if I should just wait until I see him again, or make it a special trip.

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True, I didn't think of it this way. If we had discussed it further, he'd know that I chose to come at 4 pm because I made arrangements to stay the night. I only made the shift because his parents weren't coming at 1, and this was a better plan. He usually is VERY understanding about things with the kids, so I didn't think he'd see this as a negative.

 

Well, you didn't discuss it further so it was a presumption on your part. He can't read your mind.

 

He may be understanding when it's about the kids, but he's allowed to feel disappointed when you're choosing to change things up on him. Just as you were upset that he didn't want to spend time with you, he likely felt the same about you giving him the last bits of your day.

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Zahara and Midwest, both good points. I guess I am not going to know unless I speak with him.

 

He texted me good morning like nothing was wrong ... I am going to see how I feel tonight. We definitely need to talk and clear this up, but I don't know if I should just wait until I see him again, or make it a special trip.

 

I think you should at least respond to his text from this morning and provide an acknowledgement. The silent treatment is counter productive.

 

I think feelings were hurt all around, unintentional on both parts stemming from feeling insecure but something to clearly talk about.

 

When are you seeing him again?

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I think you should let it go since he's still been in touch as normal, etc. It may just be a blip. Observe him for a bit and if things get "hinky" again, then go there at that time. You've already kinda pinged him on it so if you harp, it may cause an issue that might not need to be an issue. If he's keeping with the next scheduled activities, great.

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I think you should at least respond to his text from this morning and provide an acknowledgement. The silent treatment is counter productive.

 

I think feelings were hurt all around, unintentional on both parts stemming from feeling insecure but something to clearly talk about.

 

When are you seeing him again?

 

I did respond thanks, you too ... but he saw right through that as it isn't usually how I text him and he asked if I was angry with him about yesterday. I responded that I just wasn't sure how our communication got mixed up yesterday, and I wanted to make sure it doesn't happen again, and asked if we could discuss tonight. Will report back!

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I think you should let it go since he's still been in touch as normal, etc. It may just be a blip. Observe him for a bit and if things get "hinky" again, then go there at that time. You've already kinda pinged him on it so if you harp, it may cause an issue that might not need to be an issue. If he's keeping with the next scheduled activities, great.

 

 

Ughhh, well, I screwed that up because I asked him to discuss tonight, because he asked if I was okay and if I was angry with him.

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Ughhh, well, I screwed that up because I asked him to discuss tonight, because he asked if I was okay and if I was angry with him.

 

You didn't screw up anything. Stop being so hard on yourself. Depending on his response -- just take it from there.

 

I read you old threads OP, you need to try and control your anxiety.

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Ughhh, well, I screwed that up because I asked him to discuss tonight, because he asked if I was okay and if I was angry with him.

 

Ok, so be it. Just tell him how what happened made you feel and that if he ever needs some alone time, it's OK to just let you know that.

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I understand you OP. You are an anxious attacher, and so am I!

 

I have been struggling with some anxiety with my boyfriend recently - he has been super busy at work (likes staying 12 hours every day busy) and as a result his daily contact has dropped. Then we mixed up some plans last week-end, and I started to wonder if he was really busy or just cooling down on me and my anxiety started to spiral because it felt very similar to when guys have gone cold on me in the past. I was torn because on the one had I don't want to burden him at a difficult time, but on the other, I was feeling upset and anxious. I was all set to have a big discussion with him, then he came over and shared a lot of work stress with me, and reiterated his feelings about me / our future and I realised the anxiety is all me.

 

I share this because I think when us anxious attachers start to feel nervous, we have to really examine what's going on. Are we stressed because of something real or are we just being triggered by something in the past? I think it's good you are going to talk to your boyfriend, but I would just go in in a neutral and non anxious way. Also, have you read the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment? If not, I highly recommend it - it really helped me understand why I sometimes feel the way I do, and how to deal with my own anxiety.

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I understand you OP. You are an anxious attacher, and so am I!

 

I have been struggling with some anxiety with my boyfriend recently - he has been super busy at work (likes staying 12 hours every day busy) and as a result his daily contact has dropped. Then we mixed up some plans last week-end, and I started to wonder if he was really busy or just cooling down on me and my anxiety started to spiral because it felt very similar to when guys have gone cold on me in the past. I was torn because on the one had I don't want to burden him at a difficult time, but on the other, I was feeling upset and anxious. I was all set to have a big discussion with him, then he came over and shared a lot of work stress with me, and reiterated his feelings about me / our future and I realised the anxiety is all me.

 

I share this because I think when us anxious attachers start to feel nervous, we have to really examine what's going on. Are we stressed because of something real or are we just being triggered by something in the past? I think it's good you are going to talk to your boyfriend, but I would just go in in a neutral and non anxious way. Also, have you read the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment? If not, I highly recommend it - it really helped me understand why I sometimes feel the way I do, and how to deal with my own anxiety.

 

Yup - I own the book! :laugh: It is a great book and was eye opening to how I am such an anxious attachment style, but I am (obviously) making slow progress on coping with it! Do you have any book suggestions on coping techniques? Thank you for sharing your example. There have been times (not as extreme) that I thought the worst, and it was nothing at all like I thought. I concoct the worst case scenario in my head. That is why I will often come here and bounce things off of everyone for a different perspective.

 

**** Update ****

 

We are talking tonight, but he sent me a couple texts which said he didn't understand why I seemed angry with him, he reread our texts and we didn't have set plans and he told me to text him after the movie, and that he feels like he is always available for me and this one time he wasn't and I am upset. Our disconnect is that I am going based on an in-person conversation we had the other day, not the texts - I simply thought the texts were setting a time. I mentioned that he even said "come whenever you want, I'll just be mowing the lawn". I don't want to get into a back and forth to assign blame, but clearly there was either a big misinterpretation of our conversations (or he is BSing and it is an excuse). But, I will let this go and see what happens. His last text stated that he didn't want me to get so upset if our plans change, especially because they almost never do. And that is true - they never have, which is maybe more why this was so confusing to me, for lack of a better way to explain it.

 

I still don't understand how he didn't realize we had plans ... do I drop it and move on?

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Yup - I own the book! :laugh: It is a great book and was eye opening to how I am such an anxious attachment style, but I am (obviously) making slow progress on coping with it! Do you have any book suggestions on coping techniques? Thank you for sharing your example. There have been times (not as extreme) that I thought the worst, and it was nothing at all like I thought. I concoct the worst case scenario in my head. That is why I will often come here and bounce things off of everyone for a different perspective.

 

**** Update ****

 

We are talking tonight, but he sent me a couple texts which said he didn't understand why I seemed angry with him, he reread our texts and we didn't have set plans and he told me to text him after the movie, and that he feels like he is always available for me and this one time he wasn't and I am upset. Our disconnect is that I am going based on an in-person conversation we had the other day, not the texts - I simply thought the texts were setting a time. I mentioned that he even said "come whenever you want, I'll just be mowing the lawn". I don't want to get into a back and forth to assign blame, but clearly there was either a big misinterpretation of our conversations (or he is BSing and it is an excuse). But, I will let this go and see what happens. His last text stated that he didn't want me to get so upset if our plans change, especially because they almost never do. And that is true - they never have, which is maybe more why this was so confusing to me, for lack of a better way to explain it.

 

I still don't understand how he didn't realize we had plans ... do I drop it and move on?

 

Drop it for now and observe. Stuff happens. He didn't do anything heinous.

 

His last text stated that he didn't want me to get so upset if our plans change, especially because they almost never do -- Right, if this becomes a pattern, then you get all up in it . . .

 

You don't need to be right all the time . . . this would become a right-fighter's battle. Would you rather fight over something relatively small and be right or would you rather go out with him and your kids and to the wedding and make more plans that work out right?

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