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Am I Obsessing? Please Help!


Melissa7611

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Melissa7611

LONG POST...BUT I NEED HELP! AM I OBSESSING?

 

I was talking to this guy that i meet here in Florida since December. He lives in San Fransisco. Well we talked and talked , meet up a few times and for valentines day meet in new orleans for a couple of days. He asked me to be his girlfriend and told me that he loved me. I was totally shocked by it. I told him that i would and that i cared for him too. Towards the end of the trip i told him i loved him too.

 

Anyways, because this is a long distance relationship, i was very reluctant to get involved. Needless to say, he convinced me, and told he that this was worth it, and he wanted to spend a long long time with me. Well, he came down to see me 2 weeks ago, had a great weekend. No problems at all. We hung out with my friends and an old friend of his.

 

So here is where the story gets messy...He travels alot, for work. for his software company. He was scheduled to go to germany for a convention from March 8th to the 17th. No big deal for me.. I didnt really think we would talk because he was all the way over there and there's a 6 hr. time difference. Of note...we dont always talk everyday, because he is always so busy and i have lots going on with school. We dont even talk on the weekends as well. The good thing about this relationship is that we both have our own lives seperate from each other.

 

Anyways, im used to not talking to him all the time. I actually like it this way. Because when we do talk, we have things to say to each other. Well....one of my lovely friends convinced me that it was wrong that he hadnt called me while he was in germany. I kept on telling him, its no big deal. Im used to it. And i have confidence in this relationship. Well. to make a long story short, he convinced me till he was blue in the face that it was wrong. So i became convinced that it was. I got so pumped up, that i sent him a mean email. Stating i was disappointed in him,. how it would be nice to hear from him. How it cant be that difficult to dial a number. And in addition i told him...this is what they call being in a relationship. Needless to say i was not nice. I told him that i was not going to call him or contact him and the rest was up to him.

 

next day..he sends and email saying....Got your email. Been crazy busy. Sorry. The only times i have available to call are 5am to 6am your time. I just called Lufthansa (airline) and il'll change my flight and come home.

 

When i saw that i was like oh my gosh! i emailed him back. Told him not to come home. That i didnt want him to. And i was just dissappointed. He sends me an email with a number to call. I dont call it tilll 2 days later. Cant get throught. I email him and tell him. No response. Finally, after some real deep thinking. i realized i was never dissappointed in him or mad at him. Somehow i listened to someone i never should have. And now look at the mess im in. I emailed him and told him the honest truth,. I apologized and told him all this was my fault because i listened to someone i shouldnt have. And that i was so sorry. I was honest, figuring i should own up to it. Because he did nothing wrong.

 

Problem is, he came back thursday. I knew he was probably jet lagged after a 15 hr. flight. And i knew he had alot of work to do,since he had been out of the office for 1 1/2 weeks. So i figured i would just let him call me when he had time. Well friday night i decided to call him..he picked up..sounded like crap. He told me he was really really tired and had lots of work to do. Aksed if he could call me back. Told him no, cause my phone was going dead. He asked me to call him back. Asked him if he was sure he wanted to talk to me, he said yes. Called him back almost 2 hours later,when he requested. He didnt pick up. Called bak a 1/2 hr. later, left a text message. Telling him, to give me a call , it would be nice to talk. Needless to say..i havent heard from him.

 

Now im wondering, what do i do? I dont want to call him and bother him. But at the same time, i am his girlfriend, and i feel like im in limbo. I mean i havent really talked to him in almost two weeks. Im just confused . Did i screw up our relationship?

 

Of note..he is a very independent person, and his life is his work, until i came along. He said he was trying to change that. We got into a thing a couple of weeks ago about how he needed to not make me feel like i was being squeazed into his schedule. And he begged me to give him a chance to fix it.

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Melissa7611

i dont want him to think that im dying to talk to him. If i send him that text message, i know he'll get it. It's tempting. Shouldnt i just wait till maybe tomorrow night or tuesday to find out what's going on. Im thinking it's up to him now. But i do need to eventually figure out whats going on. i hate not knowing.

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you have three very real problems and one unreal (but still significant one).

 

first: you do not know this guy. how can i tell? you have too many questions. he has no answers for you. a short period of time has gone by and it seems like an eternity. you are wondering who he really is. or have you missed something?

 

second: he does not know you. if he did he would have at the very least sent you flowers and a card and maybe some great chocolate and/or stopped off on the way back from germany. it is on the way. i used to stop in new york on the way to denver from london. it made the world of difference and for what it meant it was worth the minimal coin.

 

third: you see time as a factor and he does not. if he did he would have realised one and a half weeks is nothing compared to the two hours you had to wait to talk to him when you knew he was back.

 

and finally: what you describe is not what you think couples go through. he asks you to be his girlfriend and it means at the very least a text message in between meetings in germany (roaming in the 21st century and all) and messages before bed. see he would have been going to sleep before you if he was in germany. get it?

 

i do not want to alarm you but i would go back to your original friend's idea and explore the following angle: there is something he is not telling you.

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Melissa7611

prisoner- i know ur right. I think i knew it all along. The problem is...what do i do. I just want to stop feeling the way i do. And i hate this feeling of being in limbo. What i think im gonna do, is call him tonight. And just say what i have to say. Just to have my sanity back. iM JUST IN SHOCK. he has said so many things to me and begged me not to leave him and told me he knew it was going to be hard but not to give up! Well..i knew it was going to be hard, but it seems its all hard for me, not for him.

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slow down. you are moving to fast. there is no fuse. there is no deadline. you are just feeling pressured and you need to be careful not to internalise it. consider the following:

 

ONE: DO NOT CALL. go and see a good movie with a friend. get a pedicure. go for a really long run. go to the gym. do something exhausting. eat your favourite food. get a good night's sleep. oh and turn off that phone. do not watch the news. media fast for twelve hours. read a book.

 

the problem with the instant message society is that we think that just because the senders can get the message out quicker it means that the receiver is processing the information fatser. not true. in fact the truth is that we are dealing with information slower because of the sheer volume. oh and you may feel rushed when you talk to him. pressurised. like an egg in a vice. then you would talk too fast. feel as though you are encroaching on him. you don't want that.

 

TWO: WRITE A LETTER. sit down with a pen and some paper and write him a letter. tell him that he has not expressed what he is feeling. if he is feeling nothing then he needs to validate the fact that he is in over his head.

 

you see men do not understand or realise that labels stop being comforting after high school is over. think about all those relationships that go sour after high school and evryone is away at college. the label of 'girlfriend' and 'boyfriend' stop being the thing doing all the defining.

 

THREE: figure out what it is that made you pursue a long distance relationship instead of one that is closer to home or more like what you expect. there could be alot of reasons. start with the basics.

 

until women see men with all the lights on they have no way of knowing whether theyare going to get what they expect from a 'boyfriend' or a partner.

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Melissa7611

I totally understand everything you are saying. I really do. I have been writing down my thoughts the last couple of days, and then i go back and read them after im not so fired up. That way i avoid saying something that i regret or that would hurt.

 

To answer your question, why did i pursue a relationship that is so long distance. I dont know. i didnt really pursue the relationship. It was him. I was very reluctant in the begining, because of the distance thing. I wasnt sure i was ready for it. I thought it would be too much for me. but he convinced me to give it a try. And i did. Problem is, im in love with him. And that is exactly what i was afraid of. I usually put this wall up to protect myself. And i slowly let it down with him. Im just so confused. And i dont like that feeling. It would be one thing if it was all just me and he had no feelings for me. He has told me that he's in love with me. He told his exgirlfriend and his friends too. He tells me he wants a future with me. And everything was perfect, until i sent that mean email.

 

I was happy with everything and so was he. He even asked me to come out and see him next month. I honestly dont know why i did what i did. I think i may be purposely sabatoging the relationship.

 

So...im trying to take things slow. I am. Im trying to not jump the gun. And i think ive been ok, except for the moments when i just want to cry. I am a strong girl. And i know that the boyfriend and girlfriend label isnt the same as it used to be. It was just sweet how he asked me and how he surprised me when we were in new orleans. I have never had a guy be so open with his feelings/

 

The reason i want to call is to get this all over with. I dont want to be confrontational,but i do want to know where we stand. Dont i have a right? If were going to break up, i can take it. I just want to know.

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elle naturelle

is this all worth it?

 

Seriously, two weeks without talking is wrong.

You worried about calling him is wrong.

 

Seems like more uncertainty than a relationship can bare.

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Melissa7611

I HAVE BEEN ASKING MY SELF THAT SAME QUESTION FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS...IS THIS WORTH IT???

 

I am so confused now...part of me says yes, and part of me says i was better off before all of this crap.

 

Should i be worried about calling him.?? AGAIN, PART OF ME SAYS, YES I SHOULD CALL HIM!! i have the right to, and part of me says....NO! DONT DO IT!!

 

IM just lost. i really just want to know what is going on with us, bad news or not!

 

Yep, tomorrow will be just about two weeks since we talked.

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elle naturelle

Just call and get your answer.... although two weeks without a minute for him to call seems like you have your answer already.

 

Sounds like you are making yourself sick over it. Just CALL.

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Melissa7611

i figured i had the answer already...but i think i just want to hear if from his mouth.

 

I am going to call, later on tonight. Thanks for the advice. Ill let u know what happens

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elle naturelle

The least you deserve is a phonecall.

 

I dont believe in that Im too busy stuff anymore, its just a call. Learned the hard way myself!

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en is right.

 

the way you feel is wrong. if he expects to be your bf then what he is doing is wrong.

 

if he was the one he would have done something by now.

 

make your call but do it because it is something you want. not because he hasn't called. there is a difference.

 

oh and the least you deserve is a wonderful relationship with someone who doesn't make you feel as though it is all your fault.

 

the email was easily diffused with a simple message from him. the problem here is he raised your expectations and then couldn't deliver and is now embarrassed or feeling guilty and you do not need anything other than the truth.

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Melissa7611

prisoner

 

I know i shouldnt feel bad about calling. You are right, the reason i want to call is for me, not because he hasnt called. I havent called him yet. Im gonna try tomorrow. I have so many mixed emotions.

 

I did and do expect more from him. He hasnt let me down till now. And this is the worst thing he could have done. He always told me one of the things he loved about our relationship...was that we could tell each other anything and everything, without worrying about what the other person thinks. Well...its apparent he changed his mind on that issue.

 

I know i deserve better and thank you for reminding me. i do realize that the email i sent may not have been nice, but it wasnt the worst thing i could have done. It's not like i cheated on him, or trashed him or called him anything bad. I am just confused because of the email he sent me about coming home.

 

Your right, he raised my expectations...even though i told him that i didnt want him to come home early. I would never have asked him that or would expect that he'd offer. I have come to the conclusion, that is was just words. With no meaning.

 

Everyone keeps telling me not to assume anything. Not to think the worst. But how can i not? All my friends are shocked.. They cant believe it, they never saw it coming. Oh well..neither did i. Everyone says dont worry about it..have faith. But im all out of that. And just want to end the feelings i have. I had a good cry tonight. I couldnt concentrate on my work. Im in college and i have tons of exams coming up, and im having a hard time concentrating. But im trying.

 

i'll give him a call, for me, because i need an answer.

 

Thanks for listening to me and helping me out, u have no idea how much i appreciate it.

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I will answer your last question first : You may never get an answer from him and you need to be prepared for that..

 

I think that you settled in the beginning for the "Oh-I-am-sooo-busy -type" which equates to : I dont put you as very important so therefore I dont believe I have the time to call you....the time to be with you....the time to THINK about you "..

 

Why did you allow this ? You simply did UNTIL SOMEONE pointed it out to you as UNACCEPTABLE and a magical light switch went off in your head : WARNING !

 

So you have come to terms with this...presented it to* MR Not There * to which he replied vaugely and sparsely....to which YOU replied back with GAMES to which he replied back with GAMES ....enough !

 

I dont see this as a close relationship. You could prove me wrong. But he is DEAD WRONG to think you would accept this...

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a step in the right direction. at least you know you are in shock.

 

at least you are feeling something. at least you are getting to the point where the despair is within sight.

 

remember that the destruction is next and thatis all about the doubting. don't doubt yourself.

 

do not blame yourself. do not let this be the reason why you don't do well on your exams and ignore your well being.

 

HE has proved that he has no worth to you. you are being hurt here. be hurt but you have to move on.

 

starting right now. shock and all. call an old friend. see a movie. get your head back in to taking care of you.

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Melissa7611

Thanks for the support.Do i doubt myself? ..not anymore! I know that its' not like i did something so terrible. If this is because of the email i sent,, which i dont think it is..then that sucks for him. I'm not doubting myself at all.

 

Rather, the shock is here now, and i cant lie, the worst times in the day for me are in the morning and at night. I dont know why. I guess cause im in school during the day, and i have no choice but to do what i have to do. I find myself getting upset in the evenings and in the morning. This morning i woke up and wished i could sleep the day away.

 

I am trying my best to distract myself, but its hard. Im in school, i dont work, so when i come home its like ..do some work and then i lose my train of thought. The reason why its so difficult is because everything he has said and dione are so contrary to what he's doing now. then again, he is a man.

 

I dont know. I havent called him yet, because ...(well i dont know why). Dont get me wrong the urge is there! Actually, i think he's out of town again, i know i deserve better.

 

Problem is, my friends keep telling me to have faith, and that all of this just doesnt sound like him. Everyone else is in shock too. Didnt see it comming...Hey at least im not the only one.

 

What to do??

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elle naturelle

keep your priority YOU and your train of thought school focused.

 

As for your friends thinking this is SO unbelievable, think again! I hate to say it but they are wrong... his actions are clearly speaking louder than words.

 

My friends thought he was the one for me (so did I), thought that it was just because he was BUSY... but ultimately, he ended up so busy he headed to Hawaii with another women. Even text messaged me to say he was there and would be back soon.

 

I told his to beat it and am now falling in love with someone who calls me, emails me, and desires to see me all the time... when our personal times and schedules permit.

 

You will be better off without him.

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Melissa7611

I know it !!!

 

And im so happy for you. Hopefully ill be there one day too

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Melissa7611

i want to thank you guys for listening to me and giving me your thought on my situation. I am happy to say, that i havent called him and my eyes are opening up, slowly but surely. i have great friends who keep listening to me and keep reminding me that i didnt do anything wrong. I know i'll find someone else. I never go looking, thats my motto. it'll happen when it happens. I must say, i have good self esteem and good confidence in myself, and for the first time...he has made me doubt myself! never again!!

 

Funny thing is...im pretty sure he's out of town again. I was reminded by my friend that he had mentioned he had to go to trinidad sometime after germany. Im sure he's there now, or somewhere out of the country working. Because that's the way it is. THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE ON BEHALF OF HIM!!! THERE ARE NO EXCUSES FOR HIM!!!

 

Funny thing too....HE WARNED ME MARCH WAS GOING TO BE A BAD MONTH FOR HIM....but......THATS STILL NOT AN EXCUSE!!

 

Something tells me, regardless of whats going on, he'll regret it...thats him. He'll wonder about me, they always do. It's always that way. Not that something like this has happened to me before. But for some reason, after the girl stops calling or she moves on with her life, the guy always starts calling again..realizing what he missed. thats happened to me before! So...he has no idea what he has lost.

 

Ill keep you guys posted and let you know if his sorry a** of an excuse for a man, ever calls me agian.

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