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Possibly ghosted after 2 months of dating ?


lillian39530

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lillian39530

Hey guys! I hope you can help me with this.

 

I've been seeing this guy for 2 months now. We met through friends and we had a great connection from the start. On our fourth date, we decided to take a day off at work and go to NYC for the long week-end, took the plane and all. It was a fabulous last-minute trip, we had so much fun and we got along well. We both loved the idea of being spontaneous and crazy. We continued to see each other after that about twice a week. Everything was going very well, we did many fun activities, hung out with his siblings and our mutual friends, until last week, when I started having doubts.

 

I'll try to make it short: On Monday, I texted him, and we had a friendly discussion. On Tuesday, he texted me, same thing. On Wednesday, I texted him an article to read (the subject was an inside joke of ours) and he never replied. I didn't hear from him until Saturday, when I texted him to see if he was still wiling to go biking, an idea he had suggest. He said yes and we had a great day, although I felt he was a little distant. On Sunday morning he left my place and I told him: "I know you're busy with work this week but I'm free Thursday or Friday so let me know if you wanna hang out".

 

On Monday, we had a brief exchanges of texts messages (initiated by me), and my last message, where I told him "I had a great week end :)" was NEVER answered.

 

It is Friday night, four days later, silence radio! I'm so sad, I've been ghosted in the past and I have a feeling it will happen again with him. I'm super sad because I thought things were going great, he even agreed to be my plus-one at a wedding in September, he told me last week he hasn't had sex with other girls since me, I mean, W T F ? Wouldn't a guy that is interested in a girl would want to see her on the week end, or at least, care that she knows he's not available? I feel very sad and I don't know what do to. Should I text him? After how much time? Or do I immediately throw away his toothbrush in the garbage can and never text him again? Need help!

 

Thank you in advance! Lillian xx

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DramaInPajamas

Just leave him.

 

If he is backing away more texts from you will push him further.

 

Keep a dignified silence.

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There is another thread on here regarding ghosting and it seems this happens a lot these days. If you check the other thread you will see some explanation on why people do this. Its called avoidance, they ghost because they want to break up and don't want to have that difficult conversation because they are scared of conflict. They might of found someone else, or a X came back and they don't know how to tell you. It easier to just disappear.

 

The only other reason would be he got hurt or was in a accident, but hopefully thats not the case.

 

I would probably just leave it alone to see if he reaches out. But if you have to text him, I would just text, you okay? Or something generic like that, not go crazy and say something you might regret if something truly happened to him.

 

In my opinion people who do this are not worth your time. I tell almost everyone I date to please be honest with me. If they are not interested in being with me, Id rather be told then be ghosted. Of course, it doesn't mean they won't ghost, but I make that clear.

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lillian39530
Just leave him.

 

If he is backing away more texts from you will push him further.

 

Keep a dignified silence.

 

That's what I think too. It is the obvious. But there's a part of me that believes he might have been afraid, because I'm the one who initiated the talk of the "sex with other people" very shortly after I asked him if he wanted to come to the wedding with me. My (very poor desperate) plan is not to text him this week end so that he sees how not pushy I am, and to text him either on Monday: "Hey how was your week end?:)" OR on Friday "Do I have your OK to ask a refund for the wedding?". Lol (sort of kidding through my tears).

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lillian39530
Ok, I have to ask; what was the article you texted him to read since that is when it started going south?

 

Nothing special really, just an article in the Rolling Stones about a band we like :(

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DramaInPajamas

i think there is another reason. If you tell someone you're not interested anymore,once you have had sex, weekends away, etc then there is really no going back.

 

However, there are just as many threads about ghosters coming back.

 

It's normally men that do it and the male thinking is "if I don't officially dump, I'm, leaving the door open for a future hook up/booty call/revival of the relationship if I change my mind, or don't get anyone better."

 

In a lot of ways it's true. It's easier to reach out and reconnect after a silence than it is after "look I don't want to date you any more as I've met someone else/your butt is too fat for me/I hate your choice in music and it's all you listen to".

 

It's rarely spineless; it's mostly about a misguided attempt to keep options open.

 

In a minority of cases, it's that they just don't give a sh*t and have no future reactivation intent.

 

Depends what you want OP. If you want to see him again, the more you text, the more likely it is you will put him in a position where he will have to tell you no.

 

If you just go quiet too, he may wonder why you arent beating his door down and get curious. But then if you take them back after a ghosting, you are teaching them they can do that and you will tolerate it. It is a lose lose scenario.

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DramaInPajamas
That's what I think too. It is the obvious. But there's a part of me that believes he might have been afraid, because I'm the one who initiated the talk of the "sex with other people" very shortly after I asked him if he wanted to come to the wedding with me. My (very poor desperate) plan is not to text him this week end so that he sees how not pushy I am, and to text him either on Monday: "Hey how was your week end?:)" OR on Friday "Do I have your OK to ask a refund for the wedding?". Lol (sort of kidding through my tears).

 

No. No texts at all.

 

Asking for a refund implies you have no one else to go with. Dont give him that impression.

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Nothing special really, just an article in the Rolling Stones about a band we like :(

 

 

Ok, that's clearly nothing!

 

 

So what was the talk of "sex with other people?" You mention he may have been afraid.

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Just leave it alone. He has not forgotten your existence. You will not reawaken his interest by texting him either. If I were you, I'd be a little pissed at him rather than making excuses for his behavior. I mean, don't you deserve a guy who will at least text you on a consistent basis?? Let him be and find a new guy.

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lillian39530

Thank for you thoughts sunshine.

 

I'm a little depressed because obviously I had a slight hope people here would tell me like "no it's kind of too early too freak out, relax girl!" ! But everyone seems to agree IT IS ghosting, just like my actual friends are saying. I have been through a horrible breakup in January and this kind was the first one I dated since that I actually cared about.

 

I was ghosted three times in my early twenties but it was just after few dates, and we were younger. Now, late twenties, it's a little more difficult to cope, and to understand people still do that?!!!!!

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DramaInPajamas

Whenever I was ghosted when I was younger, I always pushed for an answer and didnt leave it. Then they had to tell me no, which stung.

 

Now if i get ghosted, I leave it. One actually came back up again.

 

Dont give them the opportunity to tell you no and actually reject you. Keep your dignity and it looks like you are not concerned with it.

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lillian39530
i think there is another reason. If you tell someone you're not interested anymore,once you have had sex, weekends away, etc then there is really no going back.

 

However, there are just as many threads about ghosters coming back.

 

It's normally men that do it and the male thinking is "if I don't officially dump, I'm, leaving the door open for a future hook up/booty call/revival of the relationship if I change my mind, or don't get anyone better."

 

In a lot of ways it's true. It's easier to reach out and reconnect after a silence than it is after "look I don't want to date you any more as I've met someone else/your butt is too fat for me/I hate your choice in music and it's all you listen to".

 

It's rarely spineless; it's mostly about a misguided attempt to keep options open.

 

In a minority of cases, it's that they just don't give a sh*t and have no future reactivation intent.

 

Depends what you want OP. If you want to see him again, the more you text, the more likely it is you will put him in a position where he will have to tell you no.

 

If you just go quiet too, he may wonder why you arent beating his door down and get curious. But then if you take them back after a ghosting, you are teaching them they can do that and you will tolerate it. It is a lose lose scenario.

 

Very helpful answer and I see very clearly what you mean, I had not think about this that way.

 

You guys are positive that he's ghosting after 4 days (soon 5) and that makes me sad! :(

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lillian39530
Whenever I was ghosted when I was younger, I always pushed for an answer and didnt leave it. Then they had to tell me no, which stung.

 

Now if i get ghosted, I leave it. One actually came back up again.

 

Dont give them the opportunity to tell you no and actually reject you. Keep your dignity and it looks like you are not concerned with it.

 

May I ask, what happened with the one that came back? I cannot see how a relationship could be sane when something like that happens.

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DramaInPajamas
May I ask, what happened with the one that came back? I cannot see how a relationship could be sane when something like that happens.

 

The only time a ghoster has ever come back is when I left it alone. Went silent as they did.

 

I actually saw him on Tuesday and he did the whole I dont want anything serious right now and he said he'd see me this weekend and it is now Friday and I've not heard anything so he has done it again.

 

But then I cant complain because he has told me he doesnt want anything serious and he knows he could see me again after a ghosting. It just doesnt work.

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lillian39530
Ok, that's clearly nothing!

 

 

So what was the talk of "sex with other people?" You mention he may have been afraid.

 

 

Well, I told him I had a appointment with my GP and wanted to know if I had to tests for stds since we never talked about exclusiveness.

 

And he told me blankly : "you actually want to know if I had sex with other girls since we started dating?"

 

I said: "Well that's is not exactly my question, though yes I'd like to know. But please note that if the answer if yes, I will be sad, but I won't be mad because we never talked about it and I guess you had all the rights"

 

He said: "Well no I didn't, don't worry".

 

That was the last time I saw him BTW.

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lillian39530
Just leave it alone. He has not forgotten your existence. You will not reawaken his interest by texting him either. If I were you, I'd be a little pissed at him rather than making excuses for his behavior. I mean, don't you deserve a guy who will at least text you on a consistent basis?? Let him be and find a new guy.

 

You are so right and I know it. But how weird would that be if I never talk and see him again? After our trip abroad, meeting friends, having plans in a near future (i.e. wedding?). When should I call my friend who's getting married to cancel his presence?? It's just been 4 days.

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DramaInPajamas
Well, I told him I had a appointment with my GP and wanted to know if I had to tests for stds since we never talked about exclusiveness.

 

And he told me blankly : "you actually want to know if I had sex with other girls since we started dating?"

 

I said: "Well that's is not exactly my question, though yes I'd like to know. But please note that if the answer if yes, I will be sad, but I won't be mad because we never talked about it and I guess you had all the rights"

 

He said: "Well no I didn't, don't worry".

 

That was the last time I saw him BTW.

 

You werent using condoms?

 

Why would you need an STD test if you were using condoms?

 

Why would you ask him that? If you need a test? Would you really trust someone to tell the truth? Either you get tested or you dont but you dont ask someone if you need a test. You can trust test results but not him.

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Well, I told him I had a appointment with my GP and wanted to know if I had to tests for stds since we never talked about exclusiveness.

 

And he told me blankly : "you actually want to know if I had sex with other girls since we started dating?"

 

I said: "Well that's is not exactly my question, though yes I'd like to know. But please note that if the answer if yes, I will be sad, but I won't be mad because we never talked about it and I guess you had all the rights"

 

He said: "Well no I didn't, don't worry".

 

That was the last time I saw him BTW.

 

 

OP, is sounds like he may have been offended by your question. I don't know if that's the reason he is ghosting, and it may very well be a moot point.

 

 

Thoughts anyone?

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lillian39530
The only time a ghoster has ever come back is when I left it alone. Went silent as they did.

 

I actually saw him on Tuesday and he did the whole I dont want anything serious right now and he said he'd see me this weekend and it is now Friday and I've not heard anything so he has done it again.

 

But then I cant complain because he has told me he doesnt want anything serious and he knows he could see me again after a ghosting. It just doesnt work.

 

I'm sorry to hear that :( . I myself tried all techniques and it never worked. passive aggressive texts/ no texts at all pretending I still have dignity/ crying and asking for explanation / try to have a normal conversation about it = NOTHING works with them. :sick:

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DramaInPajamas
OP, is sounds like he may have been offended by your question. I don't know if that's the reason he is ghosting, and it may very well be a moot point.

 

 

Thoughts anyone?

 

If a man said to me "I am going to the doctor, do I need an STD test in case I caught anything from you", I would be hugely offended. That is essentially what the OP has said to him.

 

That implies they think they could have caught something from me and that they think I had sex with others after meeting them. That is really very rude and I am not sure I could see them again.

 

As a grown woman see to your own sexual health, use protection, dont ask someone if you need testing, just do it.

 

I dont think this may be a simple ghost, I think you really may have offended him. In future use protection and dont leave it to chance.

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lillian39530
You werent using condoms?

 

Why would you need an STD test if you were using condoms?

 

Why would you ask him that? If you need a test? Would you really trust someone to tell the truth? Either you get tested or you dont but you dont ask someone if you need a test. You can trust test results but not him.

 

No we were not - I'm on the pill. Before we had sex the first time he told me he had been tested after the last time he had sex, and I trusted him. I've never trusted anyone for that expect the only boyfriend I ever had.

 

Of course I'll ask my GP to be tested but it was just a way for me to introduce the subject of exclusiveness. I regret it.

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I'm sorry to hear that :( . I myself tried all techniques and it never worked. passive aggressive texts/ no texts at all pretending I still have dignity/ crying and asking for explanation / try to have a normal conversation about it = NOTHING works with them. :sick:

 

I wasnt necessarily trying anything to get him back. It wasnt a tactic.

 

I genuinely never expected to hear again.

 

But this time I thought no way am I asking you, I am just leaving it well alone. And weirdly this one resurfaced but I genuinely wasnt holding out or deliberately using silence as a tactic. To me, I was just leaving this alone for real.

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DramaInPajamas
No we were not - I'm on the pill. Before we had sex the first time he told me he had been tested after the last time he had sex, and I trusted him. I've never trusted anyone for that expect the only boyfriend I ever had.

 

Of course I'll ask my GP to be tested but it was just a way for me to introduce the subject of exclusiveness. I regret it.

 

But you quite clearly didnt trust him as you asked him if you needed testing when he had already told he was clean.

 

Dont go to your GP, you dont want it on your notes. Assuming you are in the UK which I think by your choice of words, you are, go to GUM clinic. The results wont ever appear on your GP notes.

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If a man said to me "I am going to the doctor, do I need an STD test in case I caught anything from you", I would be hugely offended. That is essentially what the OP has said to him.

 

That implies they think they could have caught something from me and that they think I had sex with others after meeting them. That is really very rude and I am not sure I could see them again.

 

As a grown woman see to your own sexual health, use protection, dont ask someone if you need testing, just do it.

 

I dont think this may be a simple ghost, I think you really may have offended him. In future use protection and dont leave it to chance.

 

Lillian, I think you have a very possible answer as to why he has pulled away.

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