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Simultaneously excluded & included


born3d

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Been seeing a non-monogamous guy for 3-4 weeks. (I'm not a strict monogamist and am not working towards an end goal w/ my dates besides achieving real emotional intimacy with one another.)

As if it were the most natural thing in the world, he's invited me to a bunch of events with his friends, including a weekend camping trip, and we've discussed the near future. Because he's experienced and emotionally intelligent, he communicates well with me, letting me know in advance when he'll be out of town, when to expect to bump into an ex of his at a gathering, etc.

 

99% of the time his actions have matched his words, so I cannot say he's done anything wrong. The thing is, he just doesn't seem eager to 1) chat with me when we're apart or 2) amp up the frequency of dates. Perhaps this is due to travel busy-ness + possibly juggling other potential partners, but he's acting like we're already a unit of sorts (as if he has me...he is bossy by nature). So we're not playing this as a day-by-day thing, but it still feels that way to me because while mutual interest isn't really a mystery anymore, meaning is missing.

 

I have no complaints about him as a lover/new addition to my inner circle, but I hesitate to proceed, because our styles seem way different. In a relationship of any sort, above all else I seek to find compelling meaning (i.e. knowing what one person means to the other personally). I expect this will unfold over time...I just don't know if he's excited for it. It's too early to ask "What significance do I hold for you?" because I just plopped into his life. Maybe I can only be in relationships with people who are already very similar to me...otherwise it seems unnatural to me.

 

And, no, I really don't think the underlying issue centers around the question of commitment/defining a relationship. It boils down to: I don't want to be paired up with this person if he doesn't feel 100% comfortable with it. How can I address this with him without sending the wrong message (that I'm fishing for a relationship definition)?

 

He's really welcoming and accepting, but I don't know if it'd be worth it to put down my walls. Or if I'm even capable of doing so ever!

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You have a very unique post. Something that occurred to me is that while not all monogamous people are well matched to each other, the same is true for non-monogamous people.

 

It sounds as though you and he are not on the same page as far as what you each are seeking.

 

I don't think the rules are any different whether monogamous or not in that if you can't talk about it and discuss it, then there's not a good match. I personally would suggest you sit down and express your thoughts and see where that goes.

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It boils down to: I don't want to be paired up with this person if he doesn't feel 100% comfortable with it. How can I address this with him without sending the wrong message

 

This thread and some of your other ones: it really sounds like he is slightly more than a friend to you and that is it. He isn't husband material, he does not even create that spark for you, he is simply "there" to grab on when you are lonely. You need a guy to fill a void so you can recover from past relationships. This guy is just a medicine, but not a relationship. As for being pared with someone who isnt 100% comfortable with being pared with you... well nobody is. If he or anyone was 100%, you would probably have a ring on your finger after 3 months or whatever time you said it was. Remember, he hasn't put a ring on your finger. You are dating. The point of dating is supposed to be finding that partner to settle down with. Anything short of that is a friendship, a medicine man to heal you, a more than friend. You fill it in. And I think you know the difference and what he is here cause you have said a lot of things. Its partly him being what sounds to be not a good match, and its also you only being with him mainly to heal yourself, not to find the mate in him.

 

So you need to be clear with him and really get to what he is after, what you are after, and if you already know what you brought him into your life for, and you have said here and other threads and posts... then I would cut him out, at least as a potential mate. Keeping him around as a friend fwb or medicine man will only be leading him on.

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If you're been vocal that you're nonmonogomous, he may simple interpret that as a friends with benefits type thing and feel no need at all to cultivate the relationship beyond sex, which is probably his priority.

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Thanks guys! I will try to just make the best of it. 'Tis a quagmire because I have a high sex drive but also want to be chummy with him first before acting like a couple... I suspect that this combination can make me seem less than serious (not for the first time) and the only way to fact-check this is to check in with him but idk what I would say.

 

I don't have real relationship experience so I don't know my needs. Really don't want to elucidate something that I don't believe in. Often when pressured to assert something or make a decision I end up BSing.

 

I tend to communicate in a very vague fashion in most areas of my life, because I change my mind a lot. Not ashamed of this, but it makes for a ton of existential crises.

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Sounds to me you have a fear of commitment, not because you can't make up your mind, but you don't trust anyone enough to take that next step which would leave you vulnerable.

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Sounds to me you have a fear of commitment, not because you can't make up your mind, but you don't trust anyone enough to take that next step which would leave you vulnerable.

 

You are right.

In the only previous dating experience I've had, my hopes rose for the possible "next step," but it never materialized, because the other person was unwilling and uncommunicative.

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