What are his intentions?

[Darien 76]

Hi everyone:

 

This is my first time posting here and I could use your thoughts and suggestions about my relationship.

 

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about 6 yrs now. He is going to be 37 this year and I am 40. He is divorced with no children and I have never been married, no children. Our relationship has had struggles with trust mainly due to his behavior. Examples include secrecy with his cell phone and a relationship with his ex that doesn't have boundaries, for example going to assist her with installing an AC at 2am and also not telling me when he sees her to help her with tasks.

 

I asked him to put boundaries with his ex and go to help at more appropriate times and he has not been receptive to my feelings. Btw, they have been divorced officially for 3 years and I don't get the impression there is any funny business going on there. He says he helps her because she doesn't have parents or a brother to help and he always used to do these things for her. They were together approx 10 years and married for 4 years.

 

He suggested that we go to therapy to rebuild trust. The reason trust was lacking is because I would catch him in lies and I felt he wasn't committed to a future together. So I said ok and I located a doctor and on session 2 he decided he wanted to quit therapy because he decided it would not help us. I was very disappointed.

 

Also, my boyfriend is an atty full time but he is pursuing a career in film production on the side. He does not really include me in what is going on with this. He goes out a lot with his friends drinking until late hours and I am not invited. Some of his good friends I have not met and I am concerned if he is looking to meet someone else by going out this often. He says he isn't.

 

Before we attended therapy he had started to bring me around his family to their events, took me to look at engagement rings and looked at apartments. I was excited about these things and i was hopeful we could sort out our issues in therapy, but as I mentioned he quit.

 

So we have continued on in our relationship and it feels like he is busy living his life with his film production and his friends. We are about an hour apart so we see each other about 1x a week or we go away for a weekend trip.

If I raise any issues about how often he goes out or boundaries with his ex he gets very angry and will stonewall me and hang up. I have spoken to him about making changes for the benefit of our relationship and he says he has made changes like with his communication. But he is not willing to create boundaries with his ex wife and one time we had an awful fight with screaming when I asked to see his phone and he wouldn't let me.

 

I am feeling unfulfilled most days and not sure what to do at this point. I feel like I have done my best to be a good girlfriend but that he is not making the effort. Should I end this relationship and move on? We have stopped speaking about engagement and moving in because I have not been feeling good about how things are going and I don't want to make a mistake.

 

I appreciate your help and your time. Please let me know if you need additional information about us to provide your thoughts. Thank you.

[smackie9]

Yes you should end this relationship....in fact you should have left years ago. You have already done everything that we would recommend. It take two to repair and maintain a relationship....he isn't a willing participant so you have no choice but to find someone else. You have waited 6 years for changes.....nothing is going to change.

[mikeylo]

You are together for 6 years and he was married before. So that means even after 6 years, he goes and fixes his ex wife's AC at 2 AM ? I would have said a lot if you were a 15 year old girl.

 

You are 40! woman up.

[kolleamm]

Find someone else. Don't stay with him just because it's easier than having to look again.

[Zahara]

He says he helps her because she doesn't have parents or a brother to help and he always used to do these things for her. They were together approx 10 years and married for 4 years.

 

After my divorce, with family being halfway across world, I didn't run to my ex for help. I think if push came to shove, she'd find her own way but I think he wants to be in her life and uses the excuse to keep that arrangement going. No funny business? You can't be that naive.

 

So I said ok and I located a doctor and on session 2 he decided he wanted to quit therapy because he decided it would not help us. I was very disappointed.

 

He probably suggested therapy to shut you up or appease you. He likely got you back in your corner and ended the facade. Chances are he wasn't really looking to fix the relationship.

 

Some of his good friends I have not met and I am concerned if he is looking to meet someone else by going out this often. He says he isn't.

 

Six years together and his good friends have not met you. I don't think we need to tell you what that means.

 

If I raise any issues about how often he goes out or boundaries with his ex he gets very angry and will stonewall me and hang up.

 

Stonewalling, gaslighting, passive aggression, avoidant behavior -- read up on those traits. Educate yourself.

 

Should I end this relationship and move on?

 

Yes. I don't think anyone is going to say otherwise. I'm sure you know the answer as well.

[Redhead14]

Hi everyone:

 

This is my first time posting here and I could use your thoughts and suggestions about my relationship.

 

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about 6 yrs now. He is going to be 37 this year and I am 40. He is divorced with no children and I have never been married, no children. Our relationship has had struggles with trust mainly due to his behavior. Examples include secrecy with his cell phone and a relationship with his ex that doesn't have boundaries, for example going to assist her with installing an AC at 2am and also not telling me when he sees her to help her with tasks.

 

I asked him to put boundaries with his ex and go to help at more appropriate times and he has not been receptive to my feelings. Btw, they have been divorced officially for 3 years and I don't get the impression there is any funny business going on there. He says he helps her because she doesn't have parents or a brother to help and he always used to do these things for her. They were together approx 10 years and married for 4 years.

 

He suggested that we go to therapy to rebuild trust. The reason trust was lacking is because I would catch him in lies and I felt he wasn't committed to a future together. So I said ok and I located a doctor and on session 2 he decided he wanted to quit therapy because he decided it would not help us. I was very disappointed.

 

Also, my boyfriend is an atty full time but he is pursuing a career in film production on the side. He does not really include me in what is going on with this. He goes out a lot with his friends drinking until late hours and I am not invited. Some of his good friends I have not met and I am concerned if he is looking to meet someone else by going out this often. He says he isn't.

 

Before we attended therapy he had started to bring me around his family to their events, took me to look at engagement rings and looked at apartments. I was excited about these things and i was hopeful we could sort out our issues in therapy, but as I mentioned he quit.

 

So we have continued on in our relationship and it feels like he is busy living his life with his film production and his friends. We are about an hour apart so we see each other about 1x a week or we go away for a weekend trip.

If I raise any issues about how often he goes out or boundaries with his ex he gets very angry and will stonewall me and hang up. I have spoken to him about making changes for the benefit of our relationship and he says he has made changes like with his communication. But he is not willing to create boundaries with his ex wife and one time we had an awful fight with screaming when I asked to see his phone and he wouldn't let me.

 

I am feeling unfulfilled most days and not sure what to do at this point. I feel like I have done my best to be a good girlfriend but that he is not making the effort. Should I end this relationship and move on? We have stopped speaking about engagement and moving in because I have not been feeling good about how things are going and I don't want to make a mistake.

 

I appreciate your help and your time. Please let me know if you need additional information about us to provide your thoughts. Thank you.

 

This isn't a relationship -- it's two people living separate lives and meeting up once in a while. He's clearly not interested in giving up his "world" or including you in it in a significant way.

 

Walk away now and get yourself focused on YOU and just YOU, like he has been for himself . . .

[Darien 76]

I try to talk to him to make things better and seems like he is set in his ways and not interested in making any modifications for things to work out. Why do you think he spoke about getting engaged and moving in? I feel like if he wanted to work out our issues he would have stayed with therapy. Any thoughts on why he quit so soon? I don't know what I did wrong here other than staying too long like one of the posters wrote.

[Zahara]

I try to talk to him to make things better and seems like he is set in his ways and not interested in making any modifications for things to work out. Why do you think he spoke about getting engaged and moving in? I feel like if he wanted to work out our issues he would have stayed with therapy. Any thoughts on why he quit so soon? I don't know what I did wrong here other than staying too long like one of the posters wrote.

 

Why would he make any modifications now when you've tolerated accepting little to nothing for six years?

 

Engagement and moving in -- sometimes people tell you what you want to hear to keep you where you are. Or sometimes they may actually believe or force themselves to believe that it's what they want only for it to be short lived. The fact that he admitted to being a liar and after two sessions has made the conclusion that therapy won't work -- that's his way of creating roadblocks to keep status quo.

 

With staying this long with someone that hasn't treated you as you deserve, what you've established to them is that you have zero boundaries and standards, therefore teaching them that you lack self-respect. And when that happens, you are often devalued. No where else to go from there.

[JewelD]

Why would he make any modifications now when you've tolerated accepting little to nothing for six years?

 

Engagement and moving in -- sometimes people tell you what you want to hear to keep you where you are. Or sometimes they may actually believe or force themselves to believe that it's what they want only for it to be short lived. The fact that he admitted to being a liar and after two sessions has made the conclusion that therapy won't work -- that's his way of creating roadblocks to keep status quo.

 

With staying this long with someone that hasn't treated you as you deserve, what you've established to them is that you have zero boundaries and standards, therefore teaching them that you lack self-respect. And when that happens, you are often devalued. No where else to go from there.

 

 

I second this. You didn't do anything wrong, he's just an *******. Nobody fixes anybody's air conditioner at 2am.

[Darien 76]

Do you guys think he is sleeping with his ex wife? He says he isn't - that he sees her as a cousin. He showed me the receipts for the supplies that were purchased to fix the AC and that his friend in construction went with him to do the repair bc he does not know how to. Either way even if he isn't sleeping with her I am uncomfortable with this relationship they have and doesn't seem like he respects my feelings regarding it or really on any other topic for that matter. He says he loves me but this doesn't feel loving a lot of times. When we are in person he is very loving and attentive so that confuses me. He bought me a nice laptop last week and said I deserved it. What is he getting out of this? He says he has stayed bc he is hopeful things would get better and that he fears my anger. But how can things get better when he keeps doing the same things to upset me? I am at a total loss. feels like leaving and moving on is the only option being that he quit therapy.

[JewelD]

Do you guys think he is sleeping with his ex wife? He says he isn't - that he sees her as a cousin. He showed me the receipts for the supplies that were purchased to fix the AC and that his friend in construction went with him to do the repair bc he does not know how to. Either way even if he isn't sleeping with her I am uncomfortable with this relationship they have and doesn't seem like he respects my feelings regarding it or really on any other topic for that matter. He says he loves me but this doesn't feel loving a lot of times. When we are in person he is very loving and attentive so that confuses me. He bought me a nice laptop last week and said I deserved it. What is he getting out of this? He says he has stayed bc he is hopeful things would get better and that he fears my anger. But how can things get better when he keeps doing the same things to upset me? I am at a total loss. feels like leaving and moving on is the only option being that he quit therapy.

 

 

It's very likely. They were married. They have no kids. You told him it bothered you and he is still doing it. I think it's kinda gross that he would compare her to a cousin. They were knocking boots for several years, I doubt that sexual attraction just up and died.

 

He's buying you things so you'll stop asking questions. I think he cares about you to a certain extent but wants to have his cake and eat it too.

[Zahara]

Do you guys think he is sleeping with his ex wife? He says he isn't - that he sees her as a cousin.

 

The reason trust was lacking is because I would catch him in lies and I felt he wasn't committed to a future together.

 

1) He's a liar as you mentioned 2) Of course he sees her as a "cousin"...he can't exactly tell you the truth now can he?

 

He showed me the receipts for the supplies that were purchased to fix the AC and that his friend in construction went with him to do the repair bc he does not know how to.

 

But he didn't have to go over at 2AM to fix the AC? I can't believe his friend woke up from his slumber to fix an AC. One thing to buy supplies, another to swing over at 2AM.

 

Either way even if he isn't sleeping with her I am uncomfortable with this relationship they have and doesn't seem like he respects my feelings regarding it or really on any other topic for that matter. He says he loves me but this doesn't feel loving a lot of times. When we are in person he is very loving and attentive so that confuses me. He bought me a nice laptop last week and said I deserved it. What is he getting out of this? He says he has stayed bc he is hopeful things would get better and that he fears my anger. But how can things get better when he keeps doing the same things to upset me? I am at a total loss. feels like leaving and moving on is the only option being that he quit therapy.

 

This is called conditioning. Giving the mouse little bits of cheese to keep you where they want you to be. Keep you guessing and confused and at some point defeatingly settle for those little bits because you've gotten so emotionally embroiled that you're just too dependent on them to leave.

 

You're not at a total loss. You know your reality. You're just afraid to accept it.

Edited July 28, 2016 by Zahara

[DramaInPajamas]

Hi everyone:

 

This is my first time posting here and I could use your thoughts and suggestions about my relationship.

 

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about 6 yrs now. He is going to be 37 this year and I am 40. He is divorced with no children and I have never been married, no children. Our relationship has had struggles with trust mainly due to his behavior. Examples include secrecy with his cell phone and a relationship with his ex that doesn't have boundaries, for example going to assist her with installing an AC at 2am and also not telling me when he sees her to help her with tasks.

 

I asked him to put boundaries with his ex and go to help at more appropriate times and he has not been receptive to my feelings. Btw, they have been divorced officially for 3 years and I don't get the impression there is any funny business going on there. He says he helps her because she doesn't have parents or a brother to help and he always used to do these things for her. They were together approx 10 years and married for 4 years.

 

He suggested that we go to therapy to rebuild trust. The reason trust was lacking is because I would catch him in lies and I felt he wasn't committed to a future together. So I said ok and I located a doctor and on session 2 he decided he wanted to quit therapy because he decided it would not help us. I was very disappointed.

 

Also, my boyfriend is an atty full time but he is pursuing a career in film production on the side. He does not really include me in what is going on with this. He goes out a lot with his friends drinking until late hours and I am not invited. Some of his good friends I have not met and I am concerned if he is looking to meet someone else by going out this often. He says he isn't.

 

Before we attended therapy he had started to bring me around his family to their events, took me to look at engagement rings and looked at apartments. I was excited about these things and i was hopeful we could sort out our issues in therapy, but as I mentioned he quit.

 

So we have continued on in our relationship and it feels like he is busy living his life with his film production and his friends. We are about an hour apart so we see each other about 1x a week or we go away for a weekend trip.

If I raise any issues about how often he goes out or boundaries with his ex he gets very angry and will stonewall me and hang up. I have spoken to him about making changes for the benefit of our relationship and he says he has made changes like with his communication. But he is not willing to create boundaries with his ex wife and one time we had an awful fight with screaming when I asked to see his phone and he wouldn't let me.

 

I am feeling unfulfilled most days and not sure what to do at this point. I feel like I have done my best to be a good girlfriend but that he is not making the effort. Should I end this relationship and move on? We have stopped speaking about engagement and moving in because I have not been feeling good about how things are going and I don't want to make a mistake.

 

I appreciate your help and your time. Please let me know if you need additional information about us to provide your thoughts. Thank you.

 

Not read everything. But based on this alone....you have wasted nearly all of your 30s.

 

You were 34 when you started seeing him and now you are 40.

 

You dont live with him after 6 years and only see him once a week. No commitment to marry or even live together and he is still seeing his ex.

 

You have wasted your life. Dump him now before you waste anymore.

[smackie9]

Have you even been introduced to his ex?? You have never met any of his good friends?? He keeps sketchy hours? Secret with his phone? You don't know anything about the details about where he works?? I wouldn't call this a relationship, I would call this an affair. He's probably still married to her and he's been lying up a storm. 6 years and has you in limbo........

[DramaInPajamas]

Have you even been introduced to his ex?? You have never met any of his good friends?? He keeps sketchy hours? Secret with his phone? You don't know anything about the details about where he works?? I wouldn't call this a relationship, I would call this an affair. He's probably still married to her and he's been lying up a storm. 6 years and has you in limbo........

 

You know I thought that. Once a week or an odd weekend.

 

He is probably still with her. He probably wasnt fixing her AC at 2am. She probably demanded his ass home.

[BikerAccnt]

I second this. You didn't do anything wrong, he's just an *******. Nobody fixes anybody's air conditioner at 2am.

 

Seriously! I wouldn't even fix my own AC at 2am, I'd just roll over and get back to sleep.

[Darien 76]

I wasted 6 years as you said. Probably won't have a family now due to such a moronic decision. Takes time to find a quality person and now I am 40. Sucks. Should I go no contact?

[sandylee1]

If he has nothing to hide why didn't he show you his phone?

 

What would be the point of marrying him while he is still so close to his Ex? Because simply put he values her more than he does you.

 

I agree that you've wasted your thirties with him. 6 years and you're just about maybe getting to be engaged. If you do get engaged don't hold your breathe for marriage. He's keeping you there and dangling the carrot.

 

Get rid of him because I bet good money he's at it with his Ex.

 

Don't let any man mess you about like this.

[Darien 76]

I called the court and confirmed and yes they are in fact divorced. She lives in her own apartment and he lives in his own with his mother. They are definitely divorced. They had a coop together that was sold during the divorce and she moved. He says to me that he has always felt guilt for divorcing her and that he doesn't mind helping her if she asks for a favor. That he does not hate her. Not sure why he took me to these family events. I met his brother, mother, extended family etc. He says he has told the ex about me but who knows. And no i never met her. He says she tells him about her dating life. Kinda wierd.

[sandylee1]

I wasted 6 years as you said. Probably won't have a family now due to such a moronic decision. Takes time to find a quality person and now I am 40. Sucks. Should I go no contact?

 

Well end it first and then go no contact.

[BikerAccnt]

Really weird, I am not friends with my ex-wife. We had no children and even though we split amicably, there was no reason to keep in touch. She didn't want to so we didn't.

 

I do keep in touch with an EX I lived with. We are still friends and email once in a while. However it's been nearly 1 year since I've seen her, and I certainly wouldn't be going over there to help her with chores. Especially if I had a girlfriend that was against it. He needs to decide where his priorities are, and so do you.

[DramaInPajamas]

I wasted 6 years as you said. Probably won't have a family now due to such a moronic decision. Takes time to find a quality person and now I am 40. Sucks. Should I go no contact?

 

End it and go no contact

[Zahara]

Should I go no contact?

 

End it. Block him. Stay no contact.

[Darien 76]

I asked him why he didn't value me as a girlfriend and stop seeing her and his response was "cause i never stopped feeling responsible for her."

 

Does this make sense to any of the men here?

[SwordofFlame]

I asked him why he didn't value me as a girlfriend and stop seeing her and his response was "cause i never stopped feeling responsible for her."

 

Does this make sense to any of the men here?

 

Why does he feel guilty? Did he cheat on her?