My boyfriend won't pay for food

[VictoriaD]

Hi! Let me start off by saying this first. I am a full time college student at a University. I don't work, because I have severe stomach issues that requires me to be on Medical Assistance, and I see two different doctors a month because of my stomach issues. If I get a job that exceeds $500 a month, then i will be cut off of medical, and I will be in debt or my parents will be broke with medical visits and expensive medications, so my parents told me to go to school full time, and get a career, and they'll help me out in the meantime. My dad gives me $30 a week for pocket money to have. I also sell stuff on Ebay here and there for extra cash.

 

With that said, my boyfriend of three years has increasingly stopped paying for food that he would always pay for. He's a trucker, it is inconsistent his pay every week, but it varies anywhere from $400 to $800 a week, but that's the lowest he'll get in a week is $400. He does pay for gas in my car, he pays for himself, like a cell phone bill, and rent for staying here with me at my parents house, stuff like that. But he doesn't really have any big major bills, he is saving up for a car, and an apartment, he also has to pay off his medical debt, and other types of debt that is important. I understand that, but to me there is something wrong if I am not even working and he gets a consistent pay every week, and I am pulling my weight more than a working man?

 

I have been paying for food the past 3 weeks. He use to pay for food all the time, and he got paid $800 last week and I asked for $40 for a purse because mine is literally falling apart and I don't have any pocket money anymore because it all goes to food. He grudgingly handed me the $40. He said he needs to save money and he has debt to pay, but I told him to prioritize and categorize his money, so it all can even out because it's not fair to me that I have to pay for food and exhaust myself with cooking everyday, and use my pocket money I have and use the little money I get. He says "I understand.", but doesn't do anything about it. He doesn't have a a response really. I literally spent the $250 dollars I had on food for the past two weeks. I am mad because I am starting school again August 22nd. I don't have an income, and this shouldn't be pinned on me, when he works and has a consistent pay. I don't mind paying here and there, and helping him out because I've done that at times, but when it's all the time, and I am using my saved money for food every single day, then that's when I am going to get mad and feel it's not equal. Should I dump him? What should I do? He's being ridiculously cheap about food, and i am getting mad because I wanted to get my hair done with my money, and what not and now I can't because all my pocket money is going to food for us, plus I don't even have enough anymore to get my hair done. i have no idea what to do about this. If I should speak to him further and more stern? or should kick him to the curb?

Edited July 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[neowulf]

Money is one of the most common stressors in relationships.

 

After 3 years, you are still no operating on a combined income system, so this begins to cause tension between the two of you.

 

These things come down to priorities and negotiation.

 

My advice would be to sit down, table all the money you *both* have available to budget.

 

At that point, you figure out all your expenses, yours *and* his.

 

Then you work your way down the list, till the money is all gone.

 

That may well mean sacrifices on both your parts, until the debts are paid down.

 

Finally, you still refer to him as your "boyfriend", not your husband. He may be feeling some doubt about how much money he's willing to commit, given that the relationship hasn't progressed to marriage at this point. Just something to think about.

[frus69]

If He pays for himself he should pay for his share of food?

Is he saving up for an apartment for both of you? Will you pay anything towards the apartment

[SwordofFlame]

Wait are you complaining that he won't pay for your food or he won't pay for his own food AND your food?

[miranda11]

I grew grew up in a family where finances are almost shared on the same account.

 

There was never grouping "You pay this, you pay that"

 

 

I think my mom and dad have an honest coversation about finances. My mom buys, my dad eats and period.

 

When I've met a guy who used words us, sharing, we have 50$, we can go here, we can save 20$ and go later there. I really wanted to marry this guy. Because we were cooperating as a team.

 

He told me he was broke, so he tried to save my money but still making us survive.

 

Second thing, I've never felt used.

 

3 rd thing a dude did everything to be fair an pay it back. I was like wtf you need to return me 100$.

 

When he got his salary, he shared his money with me...

 

There was never you have to give me this and that exactly because you ate 300 grams of my chease, one bread, 1 kg of chicken.

 

I've seen he is doing his best when he had financial problems and was not a golddigger, so...

 

I think you either work as a team and you give someone to cooperate your finances, one must do it, or you will divorce soon if it get serious.

 

I want someone who can make good financial statements for both of us and manage to do my finances, but is willing to cooperate finally when he gets money too.

 

Someone I can trust. This statements I've spent 500$ he didn't do a things makes me wonder what kind of person are you when he is broke

Or if you are dating a goldigger

[VictoriaD]

If He pays for himself he should pay for his share of food?

Is he saving up for an apartment for both of you? Will you pay anything towards the apartment

 

He said he would have me in his apartment and to just go to school, and he'll take care of the rest because he works a lot. I am going into the medical field, hoping to be a Physician Assistant, if I have a career like that then I don't care to lose my medical because i will be making enough for medical bills and insurance but in the meantime a minimum wage job isn't going to help me, because me and my parents sat down and added up all the medical expenses and if I were to get a job at even $10 an hour, I would literally be working for my medical visits and debt.there would be NO pocket money for me what so ever, so that's why my parents said "It's not worth it, just go to college and get a career, then you'll be able to afford all of these expensive medical bills." And my boyfriend even told me he would take care of everything, and I pay for things ALOT. I bought him more gifts than he did in the last 3 years of our relationship. He doesn't seem to pull his weight and he makes consistent money every week. It's just not fair to me.

[VictoriaD]

Wait are you complaining that he won't pay for your food or he won't pay for his own food AND your food?

 

If he could pay for his own food that would be helpful. He promised me though that he would take care of me but he hasn't. I've done more and bought waaaay more in the relationship than he has in the last 3 years. I spent like $500 on christmas on him, and he literally handed me $50 cash. There's something wrong here because he works and I don't. He should be at least be paying for himself, but if I was told not to worry about anything and he got it, then he should stick to his word and pay for me as well.

[VictoriaD]

Money is one of the most common stressors in relationships.

 

After 3 years, you are still no operating on a combined income system, so this begins to cause tension between the two of you.

 

These things come down to priorities and negotiation.

 

My advice would be to sit down, table all the money you *both* have available to budget.

 

At that point, you figure out all your expenses, yours *and* his.

 

Then you work your way down the list, till the money is all gone.

 

That may well mean sacrifices on both your parts, until the debts are paid down.

 

Finally, you still refer to him as your "boyfriend", not your husband. He may be feeling some doubt about how much money he's willing to commit, given that the relationship hasn't progressed to marriage at this point. Just something to think about.

 

I like that, I will definitely present this to him. Thank you.

[Leigh 87]

I am a full time student and my bf is a trucker.

 

Lets compare situations.

 

And let me lead by losing the only question you are truly asking here: is your bf not generous? Or... is he simply not in the position TO be generous with his money?

 

My bf does on average, 12 hour days and earns a decent income of about 75 k AUD a year. We are Aussies mind you; our rent is 300 a week alone for a tiny granny flat ( albeit a newly build one). Given that you and I have similar predicaments lets compare. Then you can decide if your bf measures up to a guy who is in a similar situation as mine. My bf is a kind and generous guy bare in mind and is properly in love with me. He also has the means to treat me and spoil me on the occasion but as a trucker, he cannot afford weekly fancy dates.

 

Lets see how we both fare when compared to one another.

 

Bf: together with me for one year.

 

Income: the Aussie average. About roughly 70k a year with looooong 12 hour days.

 

His attirude towards finances: he likes to spoil and treat his gf. It brings him joy to surprise me with things that I enjoy. He tends to spend a little outside a responsible anount in commensurate to his wage on me, because he simply enjoys suprising me for birthdays and Christmas and the like.

 

He believes the man should pay for dates. However, he does let me pay for the snacks at the movies after dinner when I insist. He offers of course, but I turn his offer down and insist on contributing because he is not a high earner and I do not believe he is in the position to be paying for dinner, the movies and movie snacks in addition to rent, gas and food shopping money.

 

My rent is covered and so are food groceries. By my bf.

 

I get 200 a week from my weekend job.

 

I pay 150 per month for the phone bill. He pays 300 a week for rent and 200 a week for our food shopping. We could do it for less but we hate having to spend 2 hours shopping just searching for the cheapest version of every item that we purchase.

He also takes me for weekends away occasionally, treats me to a dress once every 2 to 3 months...

 

I personally prefer generous men. But it sounds like your bf isn't earning much and also has loads of debt. When my bf was earning less, I needed to chip in for food.... he couldnt afford to entirely support two adults.

 

Now... is your bf just not generous or, is he simply not in the position to be buying the food?

[ChickiePops]

Victoria, it's not your job to support him, nor is it his job to support you. If you're not married, you have no reason to fight over money. Your money is yours, his money is his. He shouldn't have to pay for your food (or your purses or anything else), nor should you have to pay for his. You are clearly in a tough spot but it's unfair to expect him to get you out of it.

 

I'm not saying you're frivolous, I'm just saying that it's really unfair for either of you to expect the other to support them at your age and in your positions.

 

He's not an ATM. He's probably struggling to support himself at this point, let alone supporting a sick girlfriend who cannot work. You shouldn't ask to depend on him.

[VictoriaD]

I am a full time student and my bf is a trucker.

 

Lets compare situations.

 

And let me lead by losing the only question you are truly asking here: is your bf not generous? Or... is he simply not in the position TO be generous with his money?

 

My bf does on average, 12 hour days and earns a decent income of about 75 k AUD a year. We are Aussies mind you; our rent is 300 a week alone for a tiny granny flat ( albeit a newly build one). Given that you and I have similar predicaments lets compare. Then you can decide if your bf measures up to a guy who is in a similar situation as mine. My bf is a kind and generous guy bare in mind and is properly in love with me. He also has the means to treat me and spoil me on the occasion but as a trucker, he cannot afford weekly fancy dates.

 

Lets see how we both fare when compared to one another.

 

Bf: together with me for one year.

 

Income: the Aussie average. About roughly 70k a year with looooong 12 hour days.

 

His attirude towards finances: he likes to spoil and treat his gf. It brings him joy to surprise me with things that I enjoy. He tends to spend a little outside a responsible anount in commensurate to his wage on me, because he simply enjoys suprising me for birthdays and Christmas and the like.

 

He believes the man should pay for dates. However, he does let me pay for the snacks at the movies after dinner when I insist. He offers of course, but I turn his offer down and insist on contributing because he is not a high earner and I do not believe he is in the position to be paying for dinner, the movies and movie snacks in addition to rent, gas and food shopping money.

 

My rent is covered and so are food groceries. By my bf.

 

I get 200 a week from my weekend job.

 

I pay 150 per month for the phone bill. He pays 300 a week for rent and 200 a week for our food shopping. We could do it for less but we hate having to spend 2 hours shopping just searching for the cheapest version of every item that we purchase.

He also takes me for weekends away occasionally, treats me to a dress once every 2 to 3 months...

 

I personally prefer generous men. But it sounds like your bf isn't earning much and also has loads of debt. When my bf was earning less, I needed to chip in for food.... he couldnt afford to entirely support two adults.

 

Now... is your bf just not generous or, is he simply not in the position to be buying the food?

 

That's very nice of your boyfriend He;s not an over the road trucker. He's a local truck driver. I spent way more on him than he has ever. Your boyfriend does special things, my boyfriend doesn't. I spent $500 on him on Christmas and he literally handed me $50 cash. That's it. He uses MY car and puts gas in it, as he should because he uses my car. He eats a ton! So that results in a lot of food buying. He's not one to be satisfied with a piece of chicken and vegetables. He needs like 6 pieces along with other crap. He eats alot. He only pays $80 a month to stay with me at my parents house, my mom does his laundry, and he has enough to pay for things, but he is cheap and chooses not to. I think honestly it's not because he doesn't have the means to pay for it. He does, he just doesn't want to. That what I think. Because if you are getting paid majority of the time $800 a week and you have NO major expenses then you can spare me like $80 for food for the week. Thanks you for commenting, sounds like a nice boyfriend. My boyfriend doesn't buy me any gifts, he'll hand me money when I ask for it but he grungingly gives it to me, he doesn't do it naturally.

[JewelD]

He should pay for his own food at least, but thts a lot of pressure to put on a person. Youre not working, you dont really know when youll be working and he is expected to support you? Id understand why he might not want to do that. Youre not working and yet you want your hair done and a purse. Those are luxury items that poor people without jobs learn to do without. He probably feels "stingy" bc hes working for it and ppl give you pocket money. And 400-800, hes not exactly balling. Ask him to pay for his own food. Thats it. U dnt need him to buy u things. You are not married.

[ChickiePops]

That's very nice of your boyfriend He;s not an over the road trucker. He's a local truck driver. I spent way more on him than he has ever. Your boyfriend does special things, my boyfriend doesn't. I spent $500 on him on Christmas and he literally handed me $50 cash. That's it. He uses MY car and puts gas in it, as he should because he uses my car. He eats a ton! So that results in a lot of food buying. He's not one to be satisfied with a piece of chicken and vegetables. He needs like 6 pieces along with other crap. He eats alot. He only pays $80 a month to stay with me at my parents house, my mom does his laundry, and he has enough to pay for things, but he is cheap and chooses not to. I think honestly it's not because he doesn't have the means to pay for it. He does, he just doesn't want to. That what I think. Because if you are getting paid majority of the time $800 a week and you have NO major expenses then you can spare me like $80 for food for the week. Thanks you for commenting, sounds like a nice boyfriend. My boyfriend doesn't buy me any gifts, he'll hand me money when I ask for it but he grungingly gives it to me, he doesn't do it naturally.

 

He's living with you and your parents and paying $80 a month? Where's the rest of his money going??

 

He's a mooch. Dump and evict, ASAP!

[VictoriaD]

Victoria, it's not your job to support him, nor is it his job to support you. If you're not married, you have no reason to fight over money. Your money is yours, his money is his. He shouldn't have to pay for your food (or your purses or anything else), nor should you have to pay for his. You are clearly in a tough spot but it's unfair to expect him to get you out of it.

 

I'm not saying you're frivolous, I'm just saying that it's really unfair for either of you to expect the other to support them at your age and in your positions.

 

He's not an ATM. He's probably struggling to support himself at this point, let alone supporting a sick girlfriend who cannot work. You shouldn't ask to depend on him.

 

I understand what you mean, but he only pays $80 a month to live here with me. My mom does his laundry, he uses my car and puts gas in it as he should because I hardly ever use my car because he uses it all the time. I bought him gifts randomly and I have spent a lot on him. On my birthday he literally said to me "Do you want $100 or something?" I said "No" because he shouldn't have asked me, i felt uncomfortable, you know? He should've handed me it in a card naturally and not asked me. I took him out to a nice restaurant on his birthday, and bought him like $150 worth of gifts, and on christmas I spent $500 on him and he handed me $50 cash. I just feel it's unfair. I am about equality but I feel like I did more, and I am doing more than a guy that actually works and has no major expenses. I feel like I do way more and I am buy more and provide more than he does.

[ChickiePops]

Yeah no, I saw that later. Seriously, he's absolutely using you. Dump and evict today. This isn't a boyfriend, it's a parasite.

[LexiB]

Put your foot down and tell him to chip in for food. As the first (I think) poster said, have a conversation about budget and finances. There may be some misunderstanding or explanation for his actions other than purely being an ******* (though I'm skeptical). If you both lay out your situations in detail and he's still coming out on top financially *and* refusing to chip in for a life necessity....f* him.

[Leigh 87]

That's very nice of your boyfriend He;s not an over the road trucker. He's a local truck driver. I spent way more on him than he has ever. Your boyfriend does special things, my boyfriend doesn't. I spent $500 on him on Christmas and he literally handed me $50 cash. That's it. He uses MY car and puts gas in it, as he should because he uses my car. He eats a ton! So that results in a lot of food buying. He's not one to be satisfied with a piece of chicken and vegetables. He needs like 6 pieces along with other crap. He eats alot. He only pays $80 a month to stay with me at my parents house, my mom does his laundry, and he has enough to pay for things, but he is cheap and chooses not to. I think honestly it's not because he doesn't have the means to pay for it. He does, he just doesn't want to. That what I think. Because if you are getting paid majority of the time $800 a week and you have NO major expenses then you can spare me like $80 for food for the week. Thanks you for commenting, sounds like a nice boyfriend. My boyfriend doesn't buy me any gifts, he'll hand me money when I ask for it but he grungingly gives it to me, he doesn't do it naturally.

 

 

 

Wow what a pig!

 

Sorry but your bf sounds very un genrous and tight and stingy.....

 

My bf earns about the same as your bf does in AUD equivalent, and he affords 300 a week on rent, 200 a week on BOTH OF OUR GROCERIES..

 

For my bday this year he was broke and inbetween jobs - do you know what he did? He spent his LAST 20 DOLLARS on a rose, champayne and chocolates!

 

For Xmas? He spent 500 on me.

 

When he gets a bonus or works loads of overtime and has a spare 1k? he TAKES ME AWAY for the weekend!

 

Aftere a mere 2 months of first meeting him - I went overseas, came back and he met me at the airport and took me to a SUPRISE WEEKEND AWAY. Not to mention the 300 dollars he sent me whilst I ws overseas! I never asked either. He just did it because he wanted to know that I was safe!

[Leigh 87]

How old are you kids?

 

I get that early 20s men often need help and assstance - it is not uncommon to both be residing with mum and dad still in this day and age, where you have to break your back just to support yourself in these disguistingly expensive times. I totally get needing support from the parents.

 

But I dunno, my bf earns about the same as yours does when factoring in the foreign exchage rates differences, and yet my bf affords full rent AND both our groceries AND to buy me Birthday gifts and spoil me occsionally......

 

I am not sure what your bf does with his 800 a week.....

 

Does it all go into debt?

 

Why do you buy him 500 gifts when he gives you 50 dollar ones? This screams to me like you have no self respect.

 

Look I get it - I am not a beauty myself. And I used to act like it - I would bend over backwards for my ex when he did nothing for me - because I have a big nose and am not slim, I assumed that I could not do any better, and that I was the type of girl who had to take on a more nurturing role where I looked after my guy and not to expect anything im return.

 

Then he ended up dumping me anyway. After all I did. He then spoilt and treated his next gf like a princes - because she was beautiful and he fell for her properly. Then after my ex, I started to get my self esteem back and I learnt that I DID NOT have to ACT like I was a girl with no options, simply because I was not " attractive".

 

The bf after him adored me but he was tight - he would allow my parents to take him out for lunch numerous times - and he WOULD NEVER OFFER TO PAY FOR THEM - while he would sit there and talk about all the 20K he had saved up for his mortgage:sick: When he would stay at my parents place with me for a week at a time!

 

So.... By this stage, I was DONE with tight asses, or men who just did not think I was good enough to spend on, like one of my ex (where as the tight one WAS legit tight, he was head over heels for me but just a tight wad to EVERYONE)

 

I then started dating men who spoilt me. I realised that hey, I am cute and unique and I WILL find men who just adore me and WANT To spoil me! I decided to stop letting the fact I was not beautiful, make me accept any crappy treatment that came my way. I dated a lot and held out for the men who thought I was gorgeous and lovely - and who were geneorus and kind men.

 

I went on to date men who wined and dined me, were crazy about me and who LOVED spoiling me. I am a HUGE giver - I a VERY generous,and so it finally felt more balanced!!

 

I love the fact that my boyfriend actually THINKS about me! When he gets a bonus/wage increase, he thinks about the nice things he can do for me/for us.

 

I love the fact that whenever I am out and I see something that reminds me of my bf - I buy it for him. He loves dumplings so whenever I am out - I WILL ALWAYS buy him a pack if I happen to be near an Asian Yum Cha place! AND I WILL NOT FEEL THAT IT IS SO UNBALANCED!

 

Where as with my exes... I would walk past shops and see their fave food and buy it for them... yet it would feel SO grossly unbalanced, as I knew they would NEVER reached into their wallets for me. Ever.

 

I hated it how I would go food shopping with my ex, and if I threw a few things in his basket, he would take issue; he would exclaim " Leigh 87, I feel a bit uncomfortable with you assuming that I will just pay for more than 1 or 2 items of yours"

 

..Yet he had 20K in savings:rolleyes: But hey, 4 or 5 small items from a food store was too much to spend on his gf once in a while!

 

Sorry but you are SO MUCH BETTER than that! You are allowing yourself to remain with a man who does little for you, because you do not feel you can do better. It is sad, but I have lived it.

 

There are men out there who will not care about your student status, and only care that you are serious about passing college and working towards something.

There are men who are geneorus and kind and who will LOVE to take their student gf out for dinners - and REVEL in the fact that they can make their broke partner feel special fofr a night!

 

I am not saying a man should do it all - I am generous myself and buy my boyfriends treats ALL THE TIME within my student budget!

 

But there is nothing lovlier than a man who enjoys treating his gf - provding she is generous right back at him within her own means, and that she does not take it for granted ( I tell my bf every day how luckly I feel for the nice things he does....)

[azlightsout]

My dad gives me $30 a week for pocket money to have.

 

 

I asked for $40 for a purse because mine is literally falling apart and I don't have any pocket money anymore because it all goes to food.

 

Sounds like a common theme here . Men giving u money.

[Els]

So he's working full-time but only paying $80/month for rent and not paying for his own food?

 

Yeah, no. Unless you want to be the primary breadwinner in the relationship, this guy is no good for you.

 

That being said, if you're not working you don't REALLY need a $40 purse or to get your hair done, yeah? You should leave this guy, but watch your own expenditure as well.

[frus69]

Sounds like a common theme here . Men giving u money.

Get your fact straight

 

 

That being said, if you're not working you don't REALLY need a $40 purse or to get your hair done, yeah? You should leave this guy, but watch your own expenditure as well.

 

If she occasionally wants a hairdo I see no harm. Come on girls like to be pretty. Can't say "you don't get to be pretty if you are not working". She can afford to get her hair done if she didn't have to pay for his food.

[Els]

 

If she occasionally wants a hairdo I see no harm. Come on girls like to be pretty. Can't say "you don't get to be pretty if you are not working". She can afford to get her hair done if she didn't have to pay for his food.

 

Being pretty is a luxury, not a necessity. I agree that she should not be paying for his food, but at the same time she shouldn't be ASKING for money to get a hairdo with.

[frus69]

Being pretty is a luxury, not a necessity. I agree that she should not be paying for his food, but at the same time she shouldn't be ASKING for money to get a hairdo with.

 

Hmm I thought she had to ask because she spent all her money on him?

And I disagree on being pretty is a luxury thing. And being pretty is very important to me haha nothing's wrong with it

[csj77]

Wow what a pig!

 

Sorry but your bf sounds very un genrous and tight and stingy.....

 

My bf earns about the same as your bf does in AUD equivalent, and he affords 300 a week on rent, 200 a week on BOTH OF OUR GROCERIES..

 

For my bday this year he was broke and inbetween jobs - do you know what he did? He spent his LAST 20 DOLLARS on a rose, champayne and chocolates!

 

For Xmas? He spent 500 on me.

 

When he gets a bonus or works loads of overtime and has a spare 1k? he TAKES ME AWAY for the weekend!

 

Aftere a mere 2 months of first meeting him - I went overseas, came back and he met me at the airport and took me to a SUPRISE WEEKEND AWAY. Not to mention the 300 dollars he sent me whilst I ws overseas! I never asked either. He just did it because he wanted to know that I was safe!

 

 

This isn't relevant to the post at all. Your situations are different. The OP is writing about necessities.

 

OP this guy shouldn't be living with you and your family. If you're not able to support yourself you live with your parents as long as they allow. You shouldn't have made your boyfriend their problem.

He's not paying rent. $80 is a ridiculous amount for him to be "contributing".

 

He should move out and NOT build his savings on the back of someone else's hard work.

[Lois_Griffin]

He's not one to be satisfied with a piece of chicken and vegetables. He needs like 6 pieces along with other crap. He eats alot.

Eww. He just sounds like a greedy glutton.

 

What you're basically doing is running a very cheap hotel for this freeloader. And at this cheap hotel, this grown ADULT has a woman doing his laundry for him, a girlfriend cooking mountainous amounts of free food for him, and I'd be willing to bet he doesn't have to lift a finger around the place to do his share of cleaning or shopping or anything.

 

Hell. *I* want in on this deal!

 

LOL. His 'rent' is $80 a month??? My cable bill is more than $80 a month. Why is your family basically funding this deadbeat? Do you all owe him a life debt, or is he an orphan or something? I just don't get why you're all bending over backwards to provide for a supposed grown adult.