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Should I wait for the ring... or leave??


SpringAngel83

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SpringAngel83

I'm 33 and my boyfriend of 3 years in 35. We just bought a home together and have an 8 month old puppy. We have lived together the past 2.5 years and I'm ready for marriage and children. We met when I just turned 30 and I was very open about wanting kids and marriage. He said he was on board and is looking for the same. We moved in after 6 months of dating and after the honeymoon phase it's just not going anywhere. I've tried and tried to talk about where we're going and what his holdup is but he just shuts down and won't talk about it. It's a serious hot topic and we fight anytime it comes up. One of our couple friends just got married after dating 1.5 years and someone asked when we were going to get married and he got super defensive and shut down. He says he gave me the house and puppy and I'm not happy. How does he know if he marries me that I'll be happy then? I want kids... I'm 33. I feel like I'm losing my chance waiting for him but then the other side of me loves him so much and I truly believed he's the love of my life. I can't imagine not being with him. Do I stay and wait longer? Do I tell him I want to sell the house and move on? Do I give an ultimatum?

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Gr8fuln2020
I'm 33 and my boyfriend of 3 years in 35. We just bought a home together and have an 8 month old puppy. We have lived together the past 2.5 years and I'm ready for marriage and children. We met when I just turned 30 and I was very open about wanting kids and marriage. He said he was on board and is looking for the same. We moved in after 6 months of dating and after the honeymoon phase it's just not going anywhere. I've tried and tried to talk about where we're going and what his holdup is but he just shuts down and won't talk about it. It's a serious hot topic and we fight anytime it comes up. One of our couple friends just got married after dating 1.5 years and someone asked when we were going to get married and he got super defensive and shut down. He says he gave me the house and puppy and I'm not happy. How does he know if he marries me that I'll be happy then? I want kids... I'm 33. I feel like I'm losing my chance waiting for him but then the other side of me loves him so much and I truly believed he's the love of my life. I can't imagine not being with him. Do I stay and wait longer? Do I tell him I want to sell the house and move on? Do I give an ultimatum?

 

He's not ready. How is he in general? Has your relationship changed indicated by his change in behavior, etc? Ultimatums rarely go well and right now you are heavily emotionally invested, so it will likely hurt you as well and regretfully.

 

Both your names are on the deed? I believe buying a house together was a mistake. Unless there's a real timeline, such investments should not be made. But that point is moot. I would talk to him again and let him know exactly how you feel. That you love him, but will not wait much longer. Ask him why he is hesitating. Does he have a plan?

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SpringAngel83

I've tried talking to him and asking him. I get no answers. He just gets mad and shuts down... says he's "dead inside." I'm regretting buying the house now. A couple of months ago I told him I wanted to start having babies within a year, whether we're married or not. For the first time he was open to discussion and said he's onboard. Then we talked about where we'd like to get married and all kinds of stuff. Then I felt like we were finally headed in the right direction. Right after that he shuts down and shuts me out. He won't talk at all. Then I had a calm discussion with him and explained I'm not going to wait forever and all he said was, "well if you're planning on leaving me within the next 6 months you need to tell me."

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I've tried and tried to talk about where we're going and what his holdup is but he just shuts down and won't talk about it. It's a serious hot topic and we fight anytime it comes up. One of our couple friends just got married after dating 1.5 years and someone asked when we were going to get married and he got super defensive and shut down. He says he gave me the house and puppy and I'm not happy. How does he know if he marries me that I'll be happy then? I want kids...

 

From this, it doesn't sound like he is giving you a straightforward answer on anything. Ask him straight up if he ever thinks he wants to be married, some people don't. Also ask straight up if he never thinks he wants kids, it sound like he did but perhaps he has changed his mind. And you can have kids without getting married, so maybe that is his hold up? Do you need both together?

 

I would not suggest an ultimatum, people don't like those and they block real, open honest communication.

 

And if he is just 'shutting down' I imagine there is something he is not expressing to you-or feels he can't. Perhaps he just wants to be with you and doesn't want those things anymore, at which point the relationship is incompatible if it's a non-negotiable for you.

 

Best of luck!

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Michelle ma Belle

Ugh, I would NEVER marry a man who I'd have to CONVINCE to marry me. EVER.

 

Move on.

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SpringAngel83

I'm so frustrated because I just want to understand him... and no he doesn't give me a straight answer on anything at all. He said he wants kids and marriage in the beginning of our relationship... I'm wondering now if he's changed his mind. I want marriage then kids ideally. I feel that if I'm bringing children into this world they deserve a family bond. Married parents who are truly committed. He knows that's where I stand so if he cares about me at all I would think he'd let me go if he doesn't want those things anymore. At least I would hope so.

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Sounds to me like the ring and kids are more important than the husband.

 

I would not force the issue, but speak like an adult in a calm and open manner.

 

It seems like it doesn't really matter who the guy is to you.

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I say NO! you don't sit around and wait.....just think, you will be 40 by the time he caves into the idea of kids if he ever does. The guy is so afraid of how much his life is going to change being married and having kids. He is 35. If he isn't ready now I doubt very much he will ever be. His response projects that does it not? They say when a man hesitates he is keeping his escape route clear just in case. He is not thinking about "us" he is thinking about "me".

 

If he really wanted to marry you he would welcome the opportunity to talk about it and make plans, a long time ago. You need to have a very serious conversation with him.

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SpringAngel83

I absolutely love him! We have the same values, enjoy spending time together, he's hilarious and sweet. He was my rock before he shut down. I miss him... it's not that I want any man. I want him... but I don't want to wait forever if the feeling's not mutual.

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A loving partner would never tell their SO to give him 6 months notice if they are thinking of leaving......that in itself is your answer. I agree if you have to convince a man to marry you and it's like pulling teeth, you are with the wrong man.

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This is something you should of addressed BEFORE you bought a house together.

If one of you leaves, you are both still responsible because your name is on the mortgage.

 

I'm so frustrated because I just want to understand him... and no he doesn't give me a straight answer on anything at all. He said he wants kids and marriage in the beginning of our relationship... I'm wondering now if he's changed his mind. I want marriage then kids ideally. I feel that if I'm bringing children into this world they deserve a family bond. Married parents who are truly committed. He knows that's where I stand so if he cares about me at all I would think he'd let me go if he doesn't want those things anymore. At least I would hope so.
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ExpatInItaly

I think he doesn't want to marry you.

 

It's not as though he's giving you reason to believe there are other constraints, ie. finances, problems with intimacy or commitment, a current stressful situation, or the like. He's not giving you much reason to believe he wants marriage at some point, either.

 

My gut says he's avoiding this because he knows it's not what he wants forever.

 

I went through something similar. In the end, for us, it was better that we went our separate ways.

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Was he previously married? Some people feel so burned from divorce that they're okay with commitment but not marriage. How much do you know about his personal familial history?

 

I definitely think buying a house together when he was ambivalent about marriage and children wasn't prudent. This is important to you, but you put aside your feelings and expected him to "grow up" and change his mind. The writing is on the wall, and he's hoping you'll ignore your own feelings and settle for him.

 

Honestly, it sounds like he had his love goggles on initially and promised marriage/children because he wanted to have you in his life — he was NEVER serious about it, however. If you want to marry and have children he's not the person for you. Buying a puppy and house together sounds like the extent of his commitment to you.

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I went through the same thing. Except I went on to hit the 5 year mark. I had promises, plans, etc. He was on board, many open chats about our future. He kept saying he need more time. But marriage and kids with me was what he wanted, definitely. Without a doubt. Anytime we passed the time he said he needed I would chat with him, but they turned into fights, like yours. Then boom he left for whatever reason I wasn't his one. He strung me along and waisted my time. Which I had begged him not too. He did. And had no remorse.

 

This same ex met someone else months later, engaged after a year and just recently got married.

 

When you know, you know, and it's obvious he doesn't know. Why put your future on the line? He is showing you. Believe it. The defense and anger are major red flags, and you know it. If he loved you, wanted to marry you and have kids he wouldn't be putting up a wall and fighting you. Actions speak louder than words.

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Sounds to me like the ring and kids are more important than the husband.

 

I would not force the issue, but speak like an adult in a calm and open manner.

 

It seems like it doesn't really matter who the guy is to you.

 

Is it horrible to want to be married and have children? It's a difference in personal values. Some people are okay with a LTR, others want marriage and/or children with their partner. That's their right. Nobody should have to settle for something less if that's what they want. It's important to that person, and they should be allowed to pursue it.

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I think that is the reality he is not willing to reveal.....you are Mrs.Right now, not Mrs.Right.

 

I know someone who has done the same thing....he has given everything to his GF, a house a kid, but no ring. I know him well, he is thinking there is something else out there but he is afraid to stand on his own two feet....his GF is just a convenience. His GF is just madly in love with him, and is willing to take whatever she can get. Little does she know he doesn't feel the same way about her. He has these little emotional affairs. They are both too scared to end it. We all see it. I bet money on it one of them is going to have a real affair and just walk.

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SpringAngel83

I don't know how to do the quote thing but SES asked: "Was he previously married? Some people feel so burned from divorce that they're okay with commitment but not marriage. How much do you know about his personal familial history?"

 

No he's never been married. His last relationship lasted 5 years and she ended up cheating on him. At first I felt horrible for him and would get really irritated with her because she kept trying to be involved in his life. Now I'm wondering if this same thing happened to her... wanting marriage and commitment... and she waited 5 years before giving up. But that's all just speculation.

 

Also, his parents are still married and so are mine. He's been around his sister's divorce and his best friend but his best friend just got remarried. (The couple from my original post.)

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SpringAngel83

Thank you all... this is helping me process this. I think it's time for me to walk away. If he lets me go I haven't wasted anymore of my time... if he doesn't let me go he's going to need to open up to me. It's time for either/or.

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Thank you all... this is helping me process this. I think it's time for me to walk away. If he lets me go I haven't wasted anymore of my time... if he doesn't let me go he's going to need to open up to me. It's time for either/or.

 

I'm really sorry. Being cheated on may definitely have colored his perspective on marriage but it's only speculation. You deserve happiness, nothing less. It sucks to be at this juncture but it's better to stand firm instead of wasting your time on someone who wasn't the most ideal fit for you.

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Is it horrible to want to be married and have children? It's a difference in personal values. Some people are okay with a LTR, others want marriage and/or children with their partner. That's their right. Nobody should have to settle for something less if that's what they want. It's important to that person, and they should be allowed to pursue it.

 

No it's not. What's horrible is not putting your partner first.

 

If kids / marriage are the only thing that matters then you don't love your partner so much.

 

The best relationships I've seen put the partner first - not the kids.

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Thank you all... this is helping me process this. I think it's time for me to walk away. If he lets me go I haven't wasted anymore of my time... if he doesn't let me go he's going to need to open up to me. It's time for either/or.

 

That's a mature decision and sounds right in your case.

 

There is nothing wrong with realizing a RL is not going where you want. By doing it this way you are stressing the importance of your wants and giving him the option to get on board or leave.

 

I don't look at this so much as an ultimatum rather an impasse that is forcing a decision.

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SpringAngel83

I have been putting him first. I've never stopped putting him first. But he needs to put me first too, and shutting down and not talking to me about important issues is not putting our relationship first. It needs to be 100/100. I have tried and been so patient and have done everything in his time up until now. My clock is ticking and I want to be married and have children. I don't want to stay with him and give him my everything AND not have children because I waited too long.

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I have been putting him first. I've never stopped putting him first. But he needs to put me first too, and shutting down and not talking to me about important issues is not putting our relationship first. It needs to be 100/100. I have tried and been so patient and have done everything in his time up until now. My clock is ticking and I want to be married and have children. I don't want to stay with him and give him my everything AND not have children because I waited too long.

 

That's good to hear and I commend you for trying to communicate (even though he was not receptive).

 

What happens if he says yes? Are you going to feel he only said it to keep you?

 

What happens if he leaves and calls you in a month saying he made a mistake? Would you take him back?

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Oh I'm getting slightly upset when reading this... Are you a woman? At 33 OP basically have a couple of years to have kids safely (afterwards it is a gamble). She can find a partner anytime, if she wants to she can do this in 50 years when she's in her 80s. But she has 24 months to have a baby.

 

Partner first is a Disney fairy tale. Kids first is a pure biology.

 

No it's not. What's horrible is not putting your partner first.

 

If kids / marriage are the only thing that matters then you don't love your partner so much.

 

The best relationships I've seen put the partner first - not the kids.

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