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Im pushing him away!!


adarkcloud

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So me and my bf have been together for 9 months now. It has been really great. Like every relationship we have had our ups and downs, but deffinitly more ups. Last night he came over to my house ( I still live with my parents and he lives with a roomate) for dinner and what not. I spend probably 4 out of 7 nights a week at his house. It was snowy and I have this big thing about snowy weather and just wanting to cuddle up with him. So as he was leaving I asked If I could go with him. He nicely said he thinks I should stay home and stay off the roads. I got upset but said okay. He knew I was upset but still gave me a kiss goodbye and left. Which made me more upset because for some reason I just wish he would hang out with me or do something to make me happy and then leave. Well I called him about 2 hours later to make sure he got home okay and what not. We talked for about 5 minutes when I could hear in his voice he was starting to get upset. I asked him what was wrong and he said "I just cant have any time to myself, If your not at my house your blowing up my phone". He seemed really upset so I said I was sorry and I was going to get off the phone and go to bed. Well we've had that fight a few times. And I have finally figured it out. I dont NEED to be around him so much for my own personal enjoyment. I know that when we dont spend as much time together and then spend time together the time we spend together is 100x more special. But my x-bf of a year cheated on me. And he did it every night I wasn't around (i found out later). So I have this fear that If Im not around my bf 24/7 either with him or on the phone with him that he is going to cheat on me. He has never done anything to break my trust with him and he shouldnt have to put up with my issues and something I need to get over. But it is deffinitly pushing him away and making our relationship a lot less enjoyable then it used to be. Have any of you gone through this situation. What are some suggestions to help me get over this fear.

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My ex cheated on me every night I wasnt with him. My current BF is not my ex nor will I ever compare the two. Youre man is your man, not your ex. Dont forget that

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I have been with my bf for 9 months now as well, and I know what you are going through also =) In the beginning of our relationship, he would always be the one to call me, I honestly don't think I ever picked up the phone to call him until about the 6th month, I would text him very occasionally in the beginning but that was it. Anyways, the reason I never used to call him in the beginning is because it gave him space and I wanted him to initiate everything so that I knew for certain that he wanted me. It worked very very well because we are now moving in together =) It's good to miss one another because like you said it makes seeing each other 100x better! But it was HARD for me to not pick up the phone and "just want to talk" with him. I see him now about 3-4 times a week and I am completely fine with that now because we love each other deeply, but in the beginning I too thought that if I wasn't with him all the time he would meet someone else and leave me or another fear I had was that he would just stop calling me altogether. You have to have faith in him. Even if he doesn't call you or see you for like a week, just act cool and give him his space, he will love you more for it in the end, you both are individuals even though you are a couple, you both need your space, he just doesn't want to feel tied down or smothered, that's all it is, good luck =)

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SleepingLover

BTW what you are feeling isn't just a girly thing. I'm guilty as charged of doing that too :(. I too was in a relationship (marriage) and my spouse cheated on me 2x. However, I push away differently sometimes. There are times I get too clingy like you say and there are other times where I make myself unavailable. The end result of course is that the woman I'm dating gives up and moves on. Rightfully so, since they can't read my mind and understand that I'm scared ****tless ;)

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I do this too. It's not that I feel like I need to be with someone all the time though. I am a pretty independent girl. I just have all of these insecurities for some reason, and I am constantly afraid that the person I am with doesn't really want to be with me. I grew up in an abusive household and my dad pretty much always treated me like crap. He blamed me for all of the things that went wrong in his life, so I ended up with all of this guilt that just hides under everything I do. I am really hard on myself, I am never good enough. And when I am with someone, especially someone great who appears to really like me, I get so suspicous and needy. Then I get mad at myself for being that way. It's really stupid I know. I need to get out of this cycle.

 

The bottom line is, when it comes to relationships the best advice anyone will ever give you is don't let the past dictate the present. Just cuz you had one bad experience with one rotten guy, it doesn't mean they are all like that. Be yourself, whoever that is. Try to live your own life, find the things that interest you and do them. Don't ignore your friends just because you have this guy in your life - have girls night out, go to see chick flicks, and have your own fun. Your guy is an important part of your life, but he shouldn't be your whole life. Once you realize that and can put the past behind you, you will have a healthier happier relationship, I swear.

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