Briefly 'ghosted' someone I was talking to.. did I mess it up for good?

[sparkle222]

So this is a bit of a funny situation, and I'd appreciate some advice/reassurance. I think I've probably messed it up beyond repair, but I can't tell:

 

A few weeks ago, I went to (what I thought was) a family event at a friend's house (haven't seen this friend in a while). When I arrived there, it became very clear that this friend had invited me to set me up with a mutual (not very close) colleague of his. Indeed, the whole occasion was completely not what I expected: effectively me and this guy were the only two non-family members there, the rest of the people were the friend's family celebrating a family occasion. Needless to say, it was embarrassingly obvious that this was intended to be a set up. But I talked to the guy and actually he was pretty cute/nice; I got his contact details (but not his phone number) and sent him a message the next day making up some silly excuse about when we should hang out again.

 

And then I mess up. Basically, I checked my messages over the next couple days but didn't get a response from him. This sort of triggered some unpleasant memories of stuff that had happened with an ex, who used to play the silent treatment game and then come out with really nasty stuff, and basically I started to convince myself that this guy was like my ex, that he'd only come as a favour to the colleague, that any response I'd eventually receive would say something to that effect, etc. So for my own sanity I stopped checking my messages after a couple days. I then had a really stressful week that kept me both busy/emotionally drained/sent me into a bit of a negative spiral. Basically, it was the worst time to be set up with someone, because I was an emotional wreck about loads of other stuff. (I'm aware that this doesn't say good things about my self-esteem, resilience, or ability to compartmentalise/multi-task.)

 

Anyway, after that all cleared up, I checked my mail and yup, turned out he'd responded right after the last time I'd checked (great), saying that he'd "love to hang out again, let him know when I was free, etc". So he'd sent a super sweet message and I literally had blanked him for over a week. Well done self. I sent him a really apologetic message back, explained it'd been a really crappy/fluke week and had only just seen it, and asked about a couple dates when he'd be free to message back. He didn't respond for about 4 days.. then one of the dates came up, so I messaged just to check if he was been available.

 

He responded then and basically said: "Bad timing, I've got X on. Good luck with blahblah (stuff going on in my life). Do let me know if you're free again at some point, hopefully we can hang out then".

 

I messaged back (immediately this time :S) and said definitely, and that I'd message him in a few days (Tuesday? Wednesday?) and ask about next weekend. If we can make plans great, if no, then I'll just throw the ball in his court and tell him to let me know when he's free.

 

But I've sort of been torturing myself in my head that I basically killed off any flirting momentum by blanking him for so long, and that his message seemed really abrupt and much less keen than the first one, and I probably either annoyed him or quite upset him by blanking him and then re-appearing.. I know it's really hard to gauge, but does it sound like this is the case? Is my behaviour as bad as I've convinced myself it is? Was I just plain stupid and did my behaviour breach incontrovertible dating rules? I feel really crappy, I hate being treated badly and I don't like that I do it to other people, even if my 'intention' isn't bad per se.

[sparkle222]

anyone? should i be worried that he's annoyed, or just keep trying until he says no..

[smudge21]

You're living in regret and that's a bad place to be. What's happened has happened and you can't change it, so let it go. Instead focusing on the fact you did explain your reasons and did make the effort to get to see him. As you say, the ball is in his court now. For all you know, he's been through bad ex times too and sees a similar pattern, so is playing things safe for now. You really don't know what is going on in his life or his head right now, so just do what you feel is right for you. If you want to give him another call (... or text, if you must...) then do it, but don't feel bad about it. Always make sure you do things that are for you, not for others, as you can never presume anothers reaction. Maybe considering talking to this mutual friend who set you up in a casual way. Basically, stop over thinking things and just let it play out.

[Eternal Sunshine]

He most likely had a bit of lukewarm interest in you that faded all together when he didn't hear from you. If he was very interested, he would be up for catching up. I don't think you ruined anything and don't be too apologetic. I would just let it go.

[sparkle222]

Sigh.. I messaged and asked about this weekend (after he didn't respond to my last message). His response ; sure, let me know when you're around, I have some stuff on but should be able to catch up.

 

Ok I dunno if he's playing it cool but that's about as non committal/politely uninterested a response as I would possibly give .. Should I make the effort to tell him when I'm around or is it just not worth it? I get that he's really busy but I can't read his bloody mind. Or maybe just keep it short?

[KatZee]

It really just sounds like he's not all that interested.

 

This would technically be a "first date." And instead of planning something to do he just says he's got things going on but maybe he'll have time to fit you in somewhere.

 

Sounds pretty meh to me. I'd let it go.

[phineas]

Sigh.. I messaged and asked about this weekend (after he didn't respond to my last message). His response ; sure, let me know when you're around, I have some stuff on but should be able to catch up.

 

Ok I dunno if he's playing it cool but that's about as non committal/politely uninterested a response as I would possibly give .. Should I make the effort to tell him when I'm around or is it just not worth it? I get that he's really busy but I can't read his bloody mind. Or maybe just keep it short?

 

What he is doing is waiting for you to make a solid effort & pick a day and time and possibly a place to prove you aren't just some flaky game player.

 

This is basically the only way a woman who ghosted on me would get a second chance & a lot of guys I know are the same way.

 

the fact he is responding at all now should tell you that you can make it up to him.

[sparkle222]

Well yeah but I already tried to plan two other days thwt fell through, I basically gave him the weekend as an option so he could tell me his availability .. I've suggested the place already. I'll just give a time then, say I'm flexible but if he's busy he can always suggest a better time for him.. I don't want to come off as clueless if he actually just interested, but honeslry this seems pretty passive agrssive on his part.

 

Is it bad if I say "don't worry if that's a bad time, hopefully we can hang out at another point that's better for you?"

[SevenCity]

What he is doing is waiting for you to make a solid effort & pick a day and time and possibly a place to prove you aren't just some flaky game player.

 

This is basically the only way a woman who ghosted on me would get a second chance & a lot of guys I know are the same way.

 

the fact he is responding at all now should tell you that you can make it up to him.

 

Unlike women, men typically are not turned off by a woman showing too much interest or trying too hard.

 

The fact that you blew him off so early will leave a bad taste in his mouth. You need to give him him difinitve plans as mentioned above. Then, show real interest on the date.

 

It's also possible he isn't interested. Doing the above won't change that one way or the other so you have nothing to lose

[Teknoe]

Unlike women, men typically are not turned off by a woman showing too much interest or trying too hard.

 

The fact that you blew him off so early will leave a bad taste in his mouth. You need to give him him difinitve plans as mentioned above. Then, show real interest on the date.

 

It's also possible he isn't interested. Doing the above won't change that one way or the other so you have nothing to lose

 

Yeah, offer him something very definitive. Usually the guy should, but in your case with the time lapse it sounds like you just need to get him on that first outing to see if there's a spark where he'll further pursue future hang outs.

 

Something like "Hey, there's this cool event ___ next ____ at ___. Let's check it out!"

[sparkle222]

I gave him a definitive time yesterday (about 24 hours ago); because he hadn't told me when he was free, I just went with a typically 'good' time for casual meet ups. (Bit difficult because I could've suggested Sunday instead and therefore given him more time to respond, but I feel like Saturday is a better time for meet-ups.) It is now about 5 hours before that definitive time and he hasn't responded. At what point does it become rude/too late..? I don't want to suddenly have to get ready and rush over and be late; equally, I don't want to take my chances and go to the area wondering if he'll actually message back.. honestly I'm feeling a bit annoyed not to have anything definitive by now and kind of want to just bail.. am I being neurotic?

[Teknoe]

I gave him a definitive time yesterday (about 24 hours ago); because he hadn't told me when he was free, I just went with a typically 'good' time for casual meet ups. (Bit difficult because I could've suggested Sunday instead and therefore given him more time to respond, but I feel like Saturday is a better time for meet-ups.) It is now about 5 hours before that definitive time and he hasn't responded. At what point does it become rude/too late..? I don't want to suddenly have to get ready and rush over and be late; equally, I don't want to take my chances and go to the area wondering if he'll actually message back.. honestly I'm feeling a bit annoyed not to have anything definitive by now and kind of want to just bail.. am I being neurotic?

 

A little neurotic but who can blame ya -- we've all been there.

 

If it makes you feel any better, I texted my "date" (4 dates in... but she seems on the fence about me to say the least) about next weekend and she hasn't responded to me and it's been about 24 hours now lol.

 

Sometimes you just let the chips fall where they may.

 

A Saturday invite text sent Friday seems a little cutting it close though? I would have sent that out 2 days prior in the future.

 

5 hours is not too bad BTW for a non-response. I'm sure he was busy Friday. A host of things could have happened for him to not get back to you yet.

 

Similar to my situation, time will soon tell all we need to know.

 

You did your part to make up with him. If he doesn't meet you halfway, it was never meant to be. Try to look at it that way. If you two were meant to be, then surely he'd make a meeting happen.

 

I have to remind myself of the same advice I give others.

[sparkle222]

I asked him when he was ffree this weekend on Wednesday, he responded early Thursday very vaguely, I responded early Friday (was out Thursday and didn't have my weekend organised yet) and just gave Saturday afternoon as a time. I just think Sunday's a bit of a weird meet up day. I mean if he'd given me more definitive times on Thursday that would've been helpful.. I'm not really used to doing all the asking/planning.. If he's not interested that's fine but I'd like a more definitive expression either way

Edited July 23, 2016 by sparkle222

[Teknoe]

I asked him when he was ffree this weekend on Wednesday, he responded early Thursday very vaguely, I responded early Friday (was out Thursday and didn't have my weekend organised yet) and just gave Saturday afternoon as a time. I just think Sunday's a bit of a weird meet up day. I mean if he'd given me more definitive times on Thursday that would've been helpful.. I'm not really used to doing all the asking/planning.. If he's not interested that's fine but I'd like a more definitive expression either way

 

Yeah the problem with the Friday text for a Saturday afternoon invite is running the risk that they just don't have enough time to respond for one reason or another. I don't think Sunday is a weird day to meet up. In fact I think it's a good day for a first meet up. Something low key and in the daytime. Sundays are good for that. If that goes well then you set up a night event on a Friday or Saturday.

 

But seriously, you did what you could. If he ain't going to meet you halfway, I doubt it would have worked out anyways.

[sparkle222]

sigh.. another reason I didn't suggest sunday was that i remembered him saying he often does a sunday brunch/lunch with friends (and he was doing that last time i suggested sunday). so i went with saturday late afternoon cause i figured he's more likely to be free then. but honestly, i've done my best, if he doesn't respond or doesn't suggest an alternative time then i do think that's a clear sign he's not into it (whether because of the initial 'ghosting', the fact that meet ups keep not happening, maybe he's got someone else, etc).

 

UPDATE: he messaged and said he's actually decided to go out of town this afternoon for the weekend. basically said 'sorry i couldn't meet up with you; if you happen to be in my area in the future (which he knows i won't, it's sort of far away, i was going there for unrelated reasons over the summer), let me know'. taking that as a clear 'no'.

Edited July 23, 2016 by sparkle222

[smudge21]

Interested people act interested, end of. We all love to have someone chase us. We love that ego boost. We also feel put out if someone lets us down and will play a bit hard to get afterwards. However, if we are truly interested we will never let something we want truly go away. Even if we feel the person should work for our attention, we won't risk pushing them too far away. I reckon you've tried and now should leave it in the same way he has with you; if he's around your way to give you a call, etc. You can only do so much and you can't make someone feel the same way you do.

[sparkle222]

well, i was feeling a bit put out so didn't say anything about him contacting me, just said "no worries, yeah i'll let you know if i happen to be around in the future". (i'd previously said i might be in his area again in september.)

 

figure if i remember/still care in a month or so, i might message and be like 'just saying hi, either will/will not end up coming to your area, (and if no, let me know if you're ever in mine".

 

idk i feel that if someone is interested they should make some more of an effort to actually come see me than simply saying 'let me know when you're near me'. my guess is that he liked the attention but didn't actually want anything. it wouldn't be that hard for him to come to my area; he's near it all the time. should i make any further effort, or not even bother and just let him figure it out if he wants to?

[losangelena]

But I've sort of been torturing myself in my head that I basically killed off any flirting momentum by blanking him for so long, and that his message seemed really abrupt and much less keen than the first one, and I probably either annoyed him or quite upset him by blanking him and then re-appearing.. I know it's really hard to gauge, but does it sound like this is the case? Is my behaviour as bad as I've convinced myself it is? Was I just plain stupid and did my behaviour breach incontrovertible dating rules? I feel really crappy, I hate being treated badly and I don't like that I do it to other people, even if my 'intention' isn't bad per se.

 

Why are you beating yourself up over this? You're a human who had an off week. You're allowed that. You met this guy ONCE; set-up against your knowledge. Alright, so you dropped the ball in taking so long to get back to him. But you explained yourself and you apologized for it.

 

He's an adult. If you've done something unforgivable in his eyes, he has the capacity for language and can explain to you plainly that he's not interested in seeing you. He needn't be wishy-washy and vague in his replies (as he's being). To me, he sounds butt-hurt.

 

This situation is not worth your mental energy or your self-recrimination. Chances are, this was not destine to be the love story of the century, so just please go easy on yourself.

[sparkle222]

do you think he was hurt or actually just not interested? if the latter i obviously wouldn't bother, but if the former i might make one last attempt in a couple weeks or something..

[Teknoe]

do you think he was hurt or actually just not interested? if the latter i obviously wouldn't bother, but if the former i might make one last attempt in a couple weeks or something..

 

What does it honestly matter? Let it go and move on. Next time I'm sure you will do a better job of checking your email faster or better yet, know to get the guy's number

[losangelena]

do you think he was hurt or actually just not interested? if the latter i obviously wouldn't bother, but if the former i might make one last attempt in a couple weeks or something..

 

I think if he was hurt, it's a silly thing to get hurt over. You didn't flake out on made plans, you were slow to reply to an email. That's not something anyone should get passive-aggressive about.

 

He knows how to get ahold of you. So unless you're REAAAAAAAALLLLLLY interested in this guy, just drop it.

[sparkle222]

Shrug ok but it's not like he asked for my number either , nor took any action in arranging meet ups etc. He flaked the three times I suggested. I did give him my number in an email, he never gave me mine.

 

Just going to drop it anyway!

[phineas]

Why are you beating yourself up over this? You're a human who had an off week. You're allowed that. You met this guy ONCE; set-up against your knowledge. Alright, so you dropped the ball in taking so long to get back to him. But you explained yourself and you apologized for it.

 

He's an adult. If you've done something unforgivable in his eyes, he has the capacity for language and can explain to you plainly that he's not interested in seeing you. He needn't be wishy-washy and vague in his replies (as he's being). To me, he sounds butt-hurt.

 

This situation is not worth your mental energy or your self-recrimination. Chances are, this was not destine to be the love story of the century, so just please go easy on yourself.

 

He isn't interested anymore. no biggie.

But she had an "off week?" i'm sorry but nobody healthy mentally has an off week unless someone died or is in the hospital or something like that.

An off day or two, sure. but a whole fricken week?

If your life is so stressful you have an "off week" then you need to stop trying to date and seek therapy.

[sparkle222]

I was away for half the week and didn't check my messages. And no, if a series of stressful events all happen one after the other then yes an off week in which you don't deal with the outside world is possible.