Is this guy being tactless? Or am I being too sensitive?

[dragonfire13]

I'm in the early stages of dating someone and wondering if I should break things off. Generally, he's a good guy, there's chemistry and I can have some really deep conversations with him.

 

BUT...all of this is undone by some really thoughtless, tactless comments which annoy the hell out of me. It's really making me question if we should continue to date.

 

Some examples:

 

1) He knew I was going out with a group of friends and wanted to tag along with his friends. I felt it was a bit early to be meeting each other's friends and he was like "woah woah, I just thought the venue looks good, the world doesn't revolve around you"

 

2) On the subject of friends, I recently moved back to my hometown and mentioned I attend meetup groups as a way to meet new people and make friends...on one of our early dates, I remember him saying "not to be rude, but do you have any friends?"

 

3) And my fave recent clanger - both of us somehow ended up talking about our dating history (dangerous topic I know, but it was more along the lines of what we're looking for in a partner based on what was lacking in previous relationships). My last relationship was pretty toxic and I think I said something along the lines of "even if you disagree with each other, there's still a line you don't cross especially with a person you love" and then he goes "yeah it's about respect in general...even with people you're not in love with...like I'm not in love with you but I wouldn't cross a line because I respect you".

 

Ouch! I mean, it's still early days so I'm not expecting some great proclamation of love. But I don't think I've been told "I DON'T love you" in the middle of a date. It doesn't seem promising.

 

The weird thing is, after our first date he posted pictures all over his Instagram and Facebook and I had to ask him to take it down, as I like to keep that sort of stuff low key unless its an established relationship (why jinx it?).

 

On one hand he's overly keen, and then he makes these types of comments...I cant make sense of it and it's making me want to run a mile. It's just too jarring.

 

Just thinking, should I cut my losses early?

Edited July 10, 2016 by dragonfire13

[JewelD]

Honestly, those don't seem like malicious or thoughtless comments.

 

1. You probably hurt his feelings a little bit so he reacted to save face. May have been simpler to just say "It's a girls night out" or something.

 

2. Is this a text message or a phone conversation? Because tone and inflection are everything. Maybe he just legit wanted to know if you have friends since some people who do meetups are trying to make friends because they don't have many.

 

3. There's nothing wrong with that statement. You seemed to be freaked out about your friends meeting, so I can see why he would want to answer that question and also clarify that he doesn't love you yet. He was probably trying not to freak you out.

 

 

But if these things bother and annoy you, then yeah, you should stop talking to him. Or tell him they bother you and be honest about it.

[dragonfire13]

Fair points... I'm liking the different perspective as my gut is telling me this is a good (if sometimes abrupt) guy...however, whether right or wrong I'm starting to find these comments irksome which suggests we may be incompatible.

[dragonfire13]

Also:

 

1) It was a face to face convo...

 

3) I was talking about general love and respect in a relationships, and what I view to be a healthy relationship. I was in no way talking about us two being in love. Waaay too early for that!

[Zapbasket]

The third example is kind-of dorky, but I see no harm in that one. It's the first two that are problematic in my eyes because beyond "tactless," they're derisive of you. You don't ask anyone, "Do you have ANY friends?" And he knew it, too, hence prefacing the question with, "Not to be rude, but..." That preface always guarantees that what comes next out of the person's mouth is going to be rude. And the "the world doesn't revolve around you" comment was just unnecessary and aggressive.

 

We always say on here to listen to your gut. Listen to your gut. You can't teach someone tact. And to be clear, tact goes further than simply, "manners." A tactful person is a person who thinks about the possible impact what they say might have on another person. It's a sub-set of empathy and the ability to recognize and acknowledge another person's feelings.

 

If it's like this early on, it will get worse later. Tactlessness in relationships often ends up a precursor to contempt. You can't cherish that for which you have contempt. I'd not expect him to be the most sensitive and caring and demonstrative of guys later on in the relationship.

 

In your shoes, I'd bail--even just on the basis of the "the world doesn't revolve around you" comment. Add to that the "do you have ANY friends?" comment, and I'd be sure never to spend any kind of time with him again.

 

Sorry :-(

[katiegrl]

Also:

 

1) It was a face to face convo...

 

3) I was talking about general love and respect in a relationships, and what I view to be a healthy relationship. I was in no way talking about us two being in love. Waaay too early for that!

 

When he said "like I'm not in love with you, but will still treat you with respect" .... he meant "you" in the general sense, not "you" specifically. That's my take anyway...

 

It would have been better if he said "like when I am not in love with "a woman", I will still treat her with respect" .. but he probably wasn't thinking about it and how saying "you" in the general sense would come across....

 

Re the meeting the meeting friends thing, he may be thinking you are not into him!

 

It wasn't like he was making a special point to "meet the friends".

 

He just thought it would be fun to all meet up later, frankly that sounds like fun to me too! Light hearted and fun, not this huge "meeting the friends" deal.

 

You knocked HIM down.... so he lashed back probably again without thinking it through.

[elaine567]

Ok, this is early doors and he is already rubbing you up the wrong way.

I think this is a form of negging, and is designed to bring you down a peg. The world doesn't revolve around you, you have no friends and by emphasizing he doesn't love you, sort of hints you may be unlovable...

 

Jokes at your expense can be very funny, but they can also be used by abusers to erode your self esteem.

I think you are not amused and I do not find them "hilarious" either.

I think you may have identified a red flag here.

Be careful.

[Zapbasket]

Light hearted and fun, not this huge "meeting the friends" deal.

 

You knocked HIM down.... so he lashed back probably again without thinking it through.

 

She wasn't making it a "huge 'meeting the friends' deal" either. She simply stated that she felt it was too early to meet friends. She prefers discretion when starting out dating someone. He needs to respect that. Period.

 

She didn't "knock him down," come on, Katiegrl. She simply communicated how she felt; isn't that what we encourage men and women on this site to do in their relationships?

 

It doesn't speak well of his maturity that he decided to take it personally...and then one step more, decided to say something to "put her in her place." He has a lot of nerve to be so aggressive and rude so early on in dating. "Lashing back without thinking" is in itself a HUGE red flag about his capability to handle an intimate relationship.

 

OP, read carefully what Elaine567 wrote.

[dragonfire13]

elaine567 it's interesting you say this, as I was discussing this with a friend and she said it's like he's read a self-help book about dating techniques and it's now gone a little wrong lol.

 

Some really great balanced points from everyone, thanks a lot! I'm leaning towards ending things as in the early stages it should be a bit more lighthearted, I shouldnt be feeling on edge.

[katiegrl]

She wasn't making it a "huge 'meeting the friends' deal" either. She simply stated that she felt it was too early to meet friends. She prefers discretion when starting out dating someone. He needs to respect that. Period.

 

She didn't "knock him down," come on, Katiegrl. She simply communicated how she felt; isn't that what we encourage men and women on this site to do in their relationships?

 

It doesn't speak well of his maturity that he decided to take it personally...and then one step more, decided to say something to "put her in her place." He has a lot of nerve to be so aggressive and rude so early on in dating. "Lashing back without thinking" is in itself a HUGE red flag about his capability to handle an intimate relationship.

 

OP, read carefully what Elaine567 wrote.

 

True but I was looking at it more from HIS perspective....how HE may have interpreted it. How HE may have felt.

 

Men and women interpret things differently, as evidenced here.

[smackie9]

You know what...it doesn't matter if he was being harmless or not, what matters is how it made you feel. IMO I would find these comments aggressive and unsettling. If he is that damn clueless about what comes out of his mouth, there is no way I could ever have a relationship with someone who talks like that. Follow your gut.

[Larryville]

it doesn't matter if he was being harmless or not, what matters is how it made you feel. IMO I would find these comments aggressive and unsettling. If he is that damn clueless about what comes out of his mouth, there is no way I could ever have a relationship with someone who talks like that. Follow your gut.

 

thoughtless, tactless comments which annoy the hell out of me.

 

"woah woah, I just thought the venue looks good, the world doesn't revolve around you"

 

"not to be rude, but do you have any friends?"

 

WTF!?

 

"yeah it's about respect in general...even with people you're not in love with...like I'm not in love with you but I wouldn't cross a line because I respect you".

 

after our first date he posted pictures all over his Instagram and Facebook and I had to ask him to take it down, as I like to keep that sort of stuff low key unless its an established relationship (why jinx it?).

 

She prefers discretion when starting out dating someone. He needs to respect that. Period.

 

Just thinking, should I cut my losses early?

 

Absolutely, I’m sorry but he sounds like a jackass! What Smack said can't be overlooked. If he is this much of a jackass this early in dating imagine how disrespectful dude will be once he got comfortable.

[Miss Peach]

Just wondering... are you familiar with PUA? Do you see any other signs of that? My guess is he's negging which is a common PUA tactic.

[phineas]

LOL.

Went out with a woman.

She drove.

Parked her car and we walked to a spot about a block away.

There was an empty spot and she told me to stand in it while she got her car.

HUH? no, it's not that far.

Then she went to get her car.

frick, if she moves her spot will get taken and she will need this spot.

 

I stood.

Someone came. Car won.

 

Saw another spot. held my ground, people beeping at me and swearing ect.

Called her on the cell and asked where she was.

She said almost to the car. she must of been walking. WTF?

 

As someone was beeping and swearing at me I told her to "move your ass" because the spot is gone but I found another however people want to run me over.

 

I did it in a halting way to show I was clearly not being serious.

 

Even though any sane person would know I was not being serious she decided she couldn't get passed that & ended things.

 

I was pissed.

She lied when she told me she wasn't crazy.

Edited July 11, 2016 by phineas

[BlueIris]

LOL.

Went out with a woman.

She drove.

Parked her car and we walked to a spot about a block away.

There was an empty spot and she told me to stand in it while she got her car.

HUH? no, it's not that far.

Then she went to get her car.

frick, if she moves her spot will get taken and she will need this spot.

 

I stood.

Someone came. Car won.

 

Saw another spot. held my ground, people beeping at me and swearing ect.

Called her on the cell and asked where she was.

She said almost to the car. she must of been walking. WTF?

 

As someone was beeping and swearing at me I told her to "move your ass" because the spot is gone but I found another however people want to run me over.

 

I did it in a halting way to show I was clearly not being serious.

 

Even though any sane person would know I was not being serious she decided she couldn't get passed that & ended things.

 

I was pissed.

She lied when she told me she wasn't crazy.

 

No one has ever said that to me and I've never said it to anyone- and I'm 56!

 

She's not crazy. You two just aren't a match.

[phineas]

No one has ever said that to me and I've never said it to anyone- and I'm 56!

 

She's not crazy. You two just aren't a match.

 

No, she was crazy.

she said I was great up to that point.

And we were a match up until then.

Wouldn't stop texting me, kept calling me to talk, told her friends about me, posted about me on facebook, ect.

 

Then i hit her deal breaker. LOL!

cray cray.

Edited July 12, 2016 by phineas