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Just Friends? Why is this guy sticking around?


Topaze

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I like him. I think he is really hot and we've been hanging out for 10 months now but.... I can't figure it out.

 

He asks me out, takes me out at least once a week to really nice restaurants and he always pays. We speak almost every day for hours and we e-mail each other constantly. Right now he is doing me a favour. He is doing something for me that I need professionally that is taking up 24 hours of his time over the weekend and for which I would have had to pay anyone else a fortune. He never said he wasn't interested but, although he flirts with me, he has never initiated any disccusion of what the relationship means, next steps or where things are going. He hasn't made a move on me or even tried to kiss me (though I wish he would). At a social gathering, someone recently asked him if we were a couple and he said "No, we're freinds." I was devastated.

 

He isn't gay and he isn't married....I have been to his home. So, I am confused. Why is this guy sticking around?

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I tried to edit to clarify this point but the board was slow. we don't just go to dinner. He also asks and takes me to concerts, movies and parties including some galas. I have been at this place up until 2:30 am and he has been at mine that late too yet he has never tried to kiss me. Part of the problem might be that we discussed the fact that I am a Christian and I don't believe in pre-marital sex or in kissing until two people are seeing each other exclusively. Have I shot myself in the foot?

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scarface has indeed asked a good question. If I read this I also wonder, are you showing him enough that you are interested?? That guy could be a complete gentlemen (= absolutely clueless concerning women).

 

I just read your post, seems like he is overrespecting you....

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Originally posted by kooky

scarface has indeed asked a good question. If I read this I also wonder, are you showing him enough that you are interested?? That guy could be a complete gentlemen (= absolutely clueless concerning women).

 

I just read your post, seems like he is overrespecting you....

 

 

sounds like me...lol

 

personally i wouldn't make a move on a chick unless i knew 100% without doubt that she wanted me to and that i wasn't going to regret it. i don't think you shot yourself in the foot by bringing up the pre-marital sex thing because it is better to know right off the bat what is and isn't acceptable behavior. you set some rules, but i think your "kissing" rule is a little too rigid. i mean after a great date it is nice to get a kiss isn't it? you arn't seeing each other exclusively per se...but that kiss is sure a big step towards that. Now going around wiht hundres of FWB...that i don't see as a healthy behavior. but if you really like him...try making a move on him...see how he reacts

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Originally posted by scarface

maybe he is waiting for you to make a move on him?

 

Well I thought that too and so once when we went to the movies I asked if I could share the arm rest with him. He said sure. I took his arm and stroked it lightly. He looked at me like "What ARE you doing?" and pulled his arm away. BTW, his background is Asian so I don't know if there are any cultural factors. I'll be seeing him later today when he brings over what he was working on for me....it's a HUGE favour and I do appreciate it but OH how I wish we could take things to the next level.

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Originally posted by Topaze

 

 

Well I thought that too and so once when we went to the movies I asked if I could share the arm rest with him. He said sure. I took his arm and stroked it lightly. He looked at me like "What ARE you doing?" and pulled his arm away. BTW, his background is Asian so I don't know if there are any cultural factors. I'll be seeing him later today when he brings over what he was working on for me....it's a HUGE favour and I do appreciate it but OH how I wish we could take things to the next level.

 

 

hmm...sounds really weird that he is acting this way...according to the ladder theory only a couple of things would cause this:

 

1. You are so ugly he cringes when he thinks of you.

 

2. He is gay. Like super gay.

 

3. He has a girlfriend/He is chasing after someone else.

 

or 4. He is respecting you and/or is really shy.

 

 

 

If I were you i would try to seduce him when he comes over. Wear something sexy and be really flirty and touchy feely...see what he does.

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Well....maybe when he comes over and we hug, I should not let go and just kiss him to say thank you when he comes over. :D I regret what I said about kissing...REALLY regret it.

 

1. You are so ugly he cringes when he thinks of you.

 

Then why would he keep asking me out?

 

2. He is gay. Like super gay.

 

Naw he is definitely heterosexual...he has had girlfriends before and he does flirt with me.

 

3. He has a girlfriend/He is chasing after someone else.

 

Says he doesn't and he spends so much time with me I don't know when he would find the time....but anything is possible.

 

4. He is respecting you and/or is really shy.

 

Possible.

 

One other possibility is that he likes me as a friend but feels no physical attraction for me.

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See there's no way that he's paying for you all the time, going with you to a thousand different events and even spending that much just in order to do you a favor without wanting anything from you. That is soooooo unlikely. You do need to make some moves, because he is not going to do anything.

 

Good luck :)

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Originally posted by Topaze

Well....maybe when he comes over and we hug, I should not let go and just kiss him to say thank you when he comes over. :D I regret what I said about kissing...REALLY regret it.

 

 

i wouldn't sugges that...he might see it as a "friend" kiss...you have to make sure he understands taht this is a romantic kiss...

 

and if you regret what you said...don't. Just kiss him when you see him...

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Why don't you have a few drinks beforehand if you need to loosen up? Sounds like you've been too strict on yourself!

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Originally posted by Topaze

 

 

One other possibility is that he likes me as a friend but feels no physical attraction for me.

 

hence the "thinks your ugly" comment. but if he is even remotely attracted to you...that isn't a possibility. hence my personal problem...guys just simply cannot be "just friends" with girls unless they fit inot one of those categories....you defineately should read up on the ladder theory. heres the link:

 

http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html

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Originally posted by Topaze

Well he just called and he is on his way over.

 

answer the door in some sexy lingerie! that should do the trick ;)

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Originally posted by Topaze

Why is this guy sticking around?

because he enjoys your company as a friend. period.

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Originally posted by alphamale

because he enjoys your company as a friend. period.

 

Yes, because he's such a nice guy just like you and investing his money and his time without any ulterior motives..... :rolleyes:

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Guys who are "just friends" don't pay for you ALL the time. I know other guys who are platonic friends and we always go dutch. They NEVER pay for me unless it's my birthday.

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I would, if I enjoyed the company, and had the money. And why not? I don't care much for money anyways, and if I can spend it in a useful and pleasant way, there will be no hesitation on my part to do so. If he believes in a somewhat traditional role-pattern, he might even feel that honor obliges him to pay for everything. He probably even refuses when you offer to pay.

 

Ulterior motives don't exists necessarily. I had a female friend with whom I have talked until 4.00 AM with college only 5 hours away from starting again. I even had to walk an hour to come home, and I can assure you, there did not exist any ulterior motive on my part. Just friendship. Not once did I try to kiss her. The reason should be obvious.

 

I would be as clear as possible about my intentions. Maybe he has been clear in his mind, but not in yours. But there is only one way to find out: grab the bull by his horns.

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He probably even refuses when you offer to pay.

 

Always refuses. I don't even bother to offer any more. He won't even let me pay the tip. The only time he agreed was when I took him out for his birthday. He does all kinds of stuff for me and yet if I do something special for him that he can use in his work, he insists on giving me some money.

 

Okay, well I am really confused now. I thought that it was a date if:

 

- a guy called you up talked to you for hours

- asked you to go to a specific place at a a specific time

- picked you up and took you there or agreed to meet you there

- paid for you

 

 

I am talking about a man who I had only met once before a couple of years earlier.

 

That was a date. If a guy did this consistently for months and months, then the two of you were dating (maybe not exclusively but dating.

 

So if that is not a date, what's a date? When guys make it clear from the outset that their interest is strictly platonic, I politely decline invitations from them. How can I avoid getting into this situation again? I have had it with this platonic friends foolishness. Don't guys realize that it's not fair when they do this kind of thing? It's sending confusing messages and creating expectations.

 

I won't dump this guy as a friend, there is just too much history there now but I have had this happen to me twice before and I just stopped communicating with the guys. Once when I was at college and the other time just 2 years ago. This is a pattern I need to break and right now.

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Originally posted by Topaze

At a social gathering, someone recently asked him if we were a couple and he said "No, we're freinds." I was devastated.

please read the above again TOPAZE. when a dude says you are his friend it means you are his friend.

 

 

Originally posted by Topaze

Okay, well I am really confused now. I thought that it was a date if:

 

- a guy called you up talked to you for hours

- asked you to go to a specific place at a a specific time

- picked you up and took you there or agreed to meet you there

- paid for you

you forgot the fifth and most impt one:

 

- both parties have some possible romantic intention

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..and how can I tell this from the beginning to make sure that this NEVER EVER happens to me again?

 

Okay, so I get it, he has absolutely no interest in me. I am just mortified.

 

He just did a whole lot of work for me and I am most appreciative but I think that I will just send him a cheque in the mail. From now on when he asks me to go anywhere, the answer will be NO! If I am not good enough to be a girlfriend, I am not good enought to be a friend. I am tired of having to be satisfied with the consellation prize.

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Originally posted by Fun2BMe

Did I miss something? So what happened when he came over today? We want some details!

 

 

Well he drove an hour from his place and he came over. We focused on finishing what we had to do. He hadn't eaten a single thing all day because he was busy working on this thing for me. So I made him a light and hot snack. He was starving so he had seconds.

 

We finished what we had to do. Then he had to get going, his folks are coming over and he had a long drive to get back home (about an hour). I did make sure to wear something low cut and wea a push up bra though. He hugged me real tight and didn't let go but then he had to go.

 

This is such a shame. I really like this guy and I haven't got a clue where I am going to find someone even close to this. :sick:

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His loss. Time to move on. I can't understand men sometimes. You should try getting him jealous by hinting that you are going out with someone else. OR SOMETHING. He needs a wake-up call. Or at this point, what do you have to lose, you can tell him that you think it is ok if you kiss before marriage or something to shake him up. Geese.

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It was sex before marriage I objected to. I am fine with kissing as long as we're dating exclusively and not seeing other people.

 

Okay, how can I make sure this NEVER happens again. Where the heck can I go to meet someone? I have tried it all. This is SO bad...SO bad.

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