Dating for months & want to become official

[JonnyManc]

Hi people! I need your advice badly please I'm in a situation and I really don't know what to do. I'll try and keep my story short.

 

I've been dating a girl for around 3 months. Things have gone from strength to strength, we have become close, she has become a bit clingy to me which i like and I'm falling for this girl. We just click and I can't imagine myself arguing with this girl. We have he same morals and views on things. We both wanted to take things slow as we have both had our hearts broken and have both been single a while without really meeting anyone it even being bothered about meeting someone. It's come to the point now where I want to be with her. I know I'll have a very happy life with her, I can trust her and we would go well together. The issue is, we had a chat a few weeks back and she said she's happy with the way things are at the moment. She never really said why but here's my opinion:

 

- she's been single around 2 years and her ex left her heartbroken. He turned round to her one day and randomly said he didn't want to be with her anymore. It wasn't like they had been arguing or anything and it was a total shock to her. She was happy and thought he was. She's never really got answers to it all either. She's not completely over him. She also doesn't want to be heartbroken again. I've said to her she can't live her life by "what if" I think she knows deep down I'd be very good to her and look after her well but there's always that "what if" question.

 

- she's recently started counselling sessions due to a number of factors. Her heads basically a mess and she doesn't want any extra worry, stress etc that can come with a relationship making her head a mess even more. I've said to her I've not caused her any of these feelings so far and I won't start now but it's just words. She has said that I've helped her a lot. I know I make her laugh a lot and cheer her up when she's feeling low and that's all I'll continue to do.

 

So where does this leave me? I thought about walking away but I don't want to. I like is girl a hell of a lot and I'd be gutted if we ended what we have and I'd miss her so much. Plus I think if I did end things it would mess her head up and that's unfair to her. Someone said give her an ultimatum but it may work but you shouldn't have to force someone into a decision. Someone else also said I shouldn't put all my eggs in one basket and look around for others and it may make her realise. I'd hate for her to go on a date with someone else and I'd be mega jealous and I'd only want her more so maybe it would work I don't know. That also raises the question - what would I do if a girl I liked wanted me to take her out? I am single but me and her are exclusive to each other an pd haven't been speaking to anyone. It just feels like a large chunk of my life is on hold waiting for her and I'm not getting any younger. She may want to wait for some positivity to come out of her counselling sessions and be happier in herself first before she can commit to me properly but how long will that take? This girl is worth waiting for but I can't place my life on hold months maybe even years. The frustrating thing for me is if we did become official nothing really would change between us than what we already have. We would become Facebook official, meet more of each other's families and start sleeping together. We are in a way unofficially official.

 

I know it's hard for her with what she has going on. Not only is her head a mess but she also feels very insecure at times which only gets her down more when she's absolutely beautiful. I wish I could fix it for her but you know what I'll do my absolute best to help her through it like I have been doing so far.

 

When we had our chat at the start of June and she said she was happy with how things are at the moment. I said I really dont want to fall in love with her and then in months to come she ends things. She didn't say anything to that but you know what - I am falling for her. I love her to bits (she doesn't know) I've taken things slow with her but I can't help it. She's perfect for me. It's also worth noting during that chat she was asking e re-assurance Thor questions like do I think we will work can I picture myself being with her forever and I said yes. That's what she wants and needs to hear. I just really don't know what to do and would gladly appreciate any help and support from you guys.

 

Thanks for reading my story.

[spiderowl]

Three months is not actually very long. You obviously love her very much even though you haven't been dating that long. I am assuming you probably knew her beforehand as well.

 

I can understand her being wary of commitment. She knows that a guy can love her and then turn around and dump her in an instant. She probably doesn't know if she can trust you. I bet though that she is getting the feeling she can.

 

I can also understand your insecurity with the way things are: you are ready to commit and she is not so ready. She may already be committed in her heart but not want to formalise it yet. By committed I mean she may not consider dating anyone else and feel happy and comfortable with you.

 

Although it is uncomfortable for you, I would give her longer to start to show her commitment to you. She's been alone for two years and hurt before that. She is used to having freedom and not answering to anyone. She may well not realise how anxious you feel about her commitment. You could talk to her in a fun kind of way, joking about how you obviously feel more for her than she does for you at the moment. Let her think about it. If she really does care as much as you do, then she'll start to show her commitment in ways that mean something to her. She may be a person who doesn't say it out loud but by actions.

[JonnyManc]

Update - we had a chat and it's over. I basically want to be with her and she's not ready. She doesn't want to hurt me and wants me to be happy. She's not 100% over her ex who has affected her badly and over 2 years later she is still suffering. Just when I've got for the point of falling for her to. Never mind anyway typical me ha

[JonnyManc]

Hi

 

I've been dating a girl for around 3 months. She told me 2 weeks ago she isn't 100% over her ex boyfriend. If she would of told me 3 months ago I don't know if id of still tried to get involved with her - probably would of done. Its frustrating because he finished with her 2 years ago - she said herself its stupid and she should be well over it by now. I can sympathise with her because he broke up with her all of a sudden. It was totally out the blue, they hadn't been arguing for a while etc. She has never got answers and has never got closure. In the 2 years he hasn't bothered with her at all proving he just doesn't care. I don't think she does herself favours as she still has pics of them on facebook and ive been told that she still has things like his clothes etc in her room serving as constant reminders every day.

 

She is also scared stiff that the next lad she gets with will break her heart. She knows I will look after her well, make her happy etc but theres the 'what if' question in the back of her mind.

 

Im posting because I know I have to forget her and walk away. Ive done my absolute best to try and convince her as have her friends but it's not worked. We drew a line under it this week. She has said she still wants me in her life a lot but I refuse. Say for example in 6 months her head is a lot clearer and ive remained a close friend, I wouldn't be able to try again with her because ill be friend zoned.

So ... has anyone got any success stories? They liked someone who wasn't 100% over their ex and they walked away and a=things worked out at a later date for example?

I think I just need to block her out. My only hope is that she will only realise what she had with me when its gone. She was clingy with me and was on most occasions the one to instigate things. Her ringing me, her asking to see me etc etc.

 

Its the most frustrating situation ever because I know she likes me a lot. She just cant commit to me. I'll miss her like mad if I block her out 100%, I already miss her now.

 

Thanks for reading

Edited June 24, 2016 by JonnyManc

[Larryville]

I’m gonna steal a quote from another thread but pertinent here, or ANY of these threads I keep reading where people are hooking up with those folks who are not over their exes.

 

You cope with your feelings by resolving them, usually before getting into another relationship.

 

This is why anybody getting into a new relationship should have very detailed and heart felt conversations early on about someone’s past and expectations. Life is too damn short to waste freaking time because you refuse to have basic conversations.

 

The issues contained in 80% if these threads can be traced back to a basic lack of communication and understanding.

[No_Go]

She told me 2 weeks ago she isn't 100% over her ex boyfriend..... This is a VERY convenient excuse to break up with someone without appearing to be the 'bad guy'. I hate to say it OP but I truly believe she just wanted a way out. Forget about her, 3 months are nothing in the grand scheme of things.

[JS84]

You've been dating her for 3 months, not 3 years. Move on, she's still completely hung up on someone else. Simple as that.

[JonnyManc]

She told me 2 weeks ago she isn't 100% over her ex boyfriend..... This is a VERY convenient excuse to break up with someone without appearing to be the 'bad guy'. I hate to say it OP but I truly believe she just wanted a way out. Forget about her, 3 months are nothing in the grand scheme of things.

 

 

 

Hi

 

It's not an excuse to walk away. Im friends with all of her friends and they all know she isn't 100% over him. She's even seeking counselling to help get over him aswell as other issues she has. One of her friends even said to me a few weeks ago she thinks that she isn't 100% over her ex. It's just been 2 years since he broke up with her but as I said it was extremely sudden and she's never had answers thus meaning she's never had closure.

 

I know she genuinely liked me a lot and she still does she just can't commit yet. This has happened to me before I was dating a girl I knew for a fact liked me a hell of a lot. I even spied one of her texts to a friend. We got together then 2 weeks she retracted because she wasn't over her ex. So why didn't j learn my lesson this time around? I only recently found out she isn't 100% over her ex. As another poster has commented above people should have discussions at the start before they progress and I'll defo take learning from that.

 

As for this girl I've said I can't be a close friend to her and if I do that's all I'll ever be.

 

Anyway thanks for your comments really appreciated

[JonnyManc]

Hello!

 

Long story short ...

 

Been dating a girl a few months. In my view things are going from strength to strength. Shes been single 2 years and been on 1 date during that time. Her heads been an absolute mess and her ex hurt her very badly. In the first guy she's given a real chance to since. I knew I had my work cut out trying to get with her but I'm doing well. We just basically need to become official. We're boyfriend and girlfriend now just without the title. Alls that would change when we get the title would be meeting more of our families and becoming Facebook official. She won't commit to me yet. We had a chat at the begging for of Kiev and she said she wasn't ready. We also a few weeks ago tried to draw a line under it all but we couldn't do it and are now back on.

 

So my question is - some people have said if I ignore her it will draw her to me even more and drive her mad. I'm not saying ignore her completely 100% just go a day or 2 without speaking, if she asks me out say I'm just etc. My only concern is that it may make her think that this is part of the reason she doesn't want a relationship as a you get the stress and worry. I'm not a game played at all neither is she but I just don't know any more. Maybe sometimes you need to.

 

what do people think? Has anyone ever used this tactic?

 

Thanks peeps

[born3d]

Update - we had a chat and it's over. I basically want to be with her and she's not ready. She doesn't want to hurt me and wants me to be happy. She's not 100% over her ex who has affected her badly and over 2 years later she is still suffering. Just when I've got for the point of falling for her to. Never mind anyway typical me ha

 

Dude, pretty much exactly what happened to me.

[born3d]

I’m gonna steal a quote from another thread but pertinent here, or ANY of these threads I keep reading where people are hooking up with those folks who are not over their exes.

 

You cope with your feelings by resolving them, usually before getting into another relationship.

 

This is why anybody getting into a new relationship should have very detailed and heart felt conversations early on about someone’s past and expectations. Life is too damn short to waste freaking time because you refuse to have basic conversations.

 

The issues contained in 80% if these threads can be traced back to a basic lack of communication and understanding.

 

THANK YOU. That's what's been making my blood boil.

It's not an evil thing to not make things clear. It's just an easy trap to fall into when you're young and selfish.

[joseb]

There is no choice here for you to make. She has told you she doesn't want to date you. It's pretty clear. You just need to accept it.

 

I'm not sure what games you are talking about - doesn't make any sense. She dumped you. It's done.

 

All the talk of not being over the ex is just an excuse, sorry.

It was two years ago, and it was nothing bad, just a regular breakup.

[JewelD]

Hello!

 

Long story short ...

 

Been dating a girl a few months. In my view things are going from strength to strength. Shes been single 2 years and been on 1 date during that time. Her heads been an absolute mess and her ex hurt her very badly. In the first guy she's given a real chance to since. I knew I had my work cut out trying to get with her but I'm doing well. We just basically need to become official. We're boyfriend and girlfriend now just without the title. Alls that would change when we get the title would be meeting more of our families and becoming Facebook official. She won't commit to me yet. We had a chat at the begging for of Kiev and she said she wasn't ready. We also a few weeks ago tried to draw a line under it all but we couldn't do it and are now back on.

 

So my question is - some people have said if I ignore her it will draw her to me even more and drive her mad. I'm not saying ignore her completely 100% just go a day or 2 without speaking, if she asks me out say I'm just etc. My only concern is that it may make her think that this is part of the reason she doesn't want a relationship as a you get the stress and worry. I'm not a game played at all neither is she but I just don't know any more. Maybe sometimes you need to.

 

what do people think? Has anyone ever used this tactic?

 

Thanks peeps

 

You're not 'boyfriend and girlfriend without the title'. There's another title for that, called Friends with Benefits. That's what you are if you're having sex at this point.

 

Dating games and tricks don't really work in the long term. Yes, sometimes you can make someone a little more interested by being unavailable, but in this case, she wouldn't really want you more, you'd just be playing a weird game of cat and mouse.

 

Once cat gets mouse, cat kills mouse or moves on to something else. She might not even fall for that game, but even if she does, it's not going to make her genuinely want you for you.

 

I think you'll be happier if you just let her go instead of pining after someone hoping that they'll change their mind.

[mragnis]

So are you still together? Did she get over her ex?

[spiderowl]

Is there a bit of a pattern here? A pattern where you meet someone, fall for them and then they back out? I am just wondering if you are a bit too intense at first and expect commitment. There is nothing wrong with that and it would suit a woman who has totally fallen in love with you from the start, but for a woman who is just getting to know you and enjoying sharing, it might make her panic and back out if she hasn't got as involved as you by that stage. Maybe you could be a bit more casual in future and not show signs of pushing for commitment - take the pressure off them - and see what happens?

 

Just a thought.

[Survivor12]

Look, i know this isn't what you want to hear but you need to face the facts. if she isn't over her ex now, she wasn't over him 3 months ago. You were a rebound. You made her feel better when she needed to be comforted.

 

Now, think about it. She was/is afraid of being hurt again, right? Then its very possible that what she enjoyed most about you was that your feelings for her were stronger than hers for you. Low risk/great rewards.

 

Do yourself a favor and forget about making things work with her...and you're right about the friend-zone. Once she does get over her ex (or gets back with him), she won't need your attention and devotion.

 

You sound like a reasonable guy. Step away, take a little time to shake it off & then get out there & find someone who wants you as a boyfriend, not a surrogate.

 

PS--Be prepared for her to object to you walking away. Don't be fooled into believing that her feelings have changed that quickly even though you may want to.