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Together for 2 years - wanting to marry but not allowed to discuss


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Old 9th March 2005, 10:36 PM   #1
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Question Together for 2 years - wanting to marry but not allowed to discuss

I've been dating the same guy for two years now. I love him to death and would do anything for him. He loves me too, that I know and don't doubt, but I'm worried. His ex-wife did a real number on him and he's become very cynical about marriage. I'm 27 and he's 30. We both have kids, me with two and him with three. Our kids all get along and both sides of the kids respect the other's partner.

I've brought up marriage because he's it, I know he is. He tells me he doesn't want to be without me and my feelings are mutual. I recently got a bug up my butt and decided to propose to him. He did accept the proposal, but at the same time, he won't discuss anything further with me regarding it. He's currently in the military reserves and also a full-time student trying to finish his undergrad and then wants to proceed to law school. I'm very encouraging and supportive of it and he knows this. He doesn't want to get married until he's finished his undergrad, which will be in 2007. I also accept this. But what I'm having a hard time accepting is that he won't set at least a prospective date with me so that I can at least start planning things. I told him that he doesn't have to do anything and if he could at least settle on a prospective date, I would take care of the planning part(s) of it and he wouldn't have anything to worry about. He's okay with me planning the wedding.

Am I being too obsessive about wanting to get married? How do I get him to discuss it with me without pissing him off and sending him through the roof? Does anyone have any advice?
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Old 9th March 2005, 10:40 PM   #2
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I'm thinking the problem with this is the you jumped the gun here. I think he wanted to ask you. He also might be afriad of the same thing happening from his last marriage. I would give the marrige thing a break. I think you two need to have a talk. He needs to decied if he wants to get married agian. Don't rush him into this though, that will only make it worse.
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Old 9th March 2005, 10:52 PM   #3
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2007 is a long time away. I am also planning on getting married in 2007 and my bf has also said we will. At one point I started talking about our wedding a little too much, it seems to make him nervous, so I stopped that completely. I know we'll get married, but I want him to propose. That way, I'll know that he's totally ready to do it.

So, I think you should cut him some slack and let him come around on his own time. I mean, he already said he's going ot marry right? Why do you have to pin him down? Do you think he'll back out? Even if he doesn't propose for another 18 months, you'll have plenty of time to plan a 2007 wedding. So, relax, enjoy the dating. Don't pressure him or he'll run the other way!

So, my advice is. Don't talk about the wedding. Don't talk about other people's weddings. Don't hint about a wedding. Let him figure it out and I promise it will go more smoothly. You can reevaluate in a year if there has been no progress.

Have you ever seen that movie Swingers? Vince vaugn says that women are like little scared bunny rabbits and that men are like big bears with claws. Actually, I think it is the other way around. Men are like the scared little bunny rabbits when it comes to marriage. So just be gentle and he'll come around.
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Old 9th March 2005, 10:54 PM   #4
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I don't know, I don't think I jumped the gun as it was something that was previously discussed and we both knew we wanted it. When we first started dating, we ended up breaking up for several months and then got back together and have been together ever since. We even survived his tour in Iraq and I thought that was the truest and toughest test for our relationship. I knew if we could make it through that, we could make it through everything. I don't even know why I'm in such hurry to get him completely committ, but in the back of my mind, I guess there lingers that tiny bit of insecurity. I just don't know anymore, I guess realistically, I'm afraid of losing him even though I know that neither one of knows we don't want anyone else and we don't want to be apart from each other. I'm just so confused...He's the love of my life and I wouldn't trade him for the world!

The other thing that scares me is that recently one of my best friends lost her boyfriend of 5 years to a heart attack and they hadn't had the chance to marry yet even though they wanted to. I guess I'm afraid that he'll be taken away from me before we get officially started on our life together...
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Old 9th March 2005, 11:06 PM   #5
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Did you see my post above yours?

I think that your reasons for wanting to get married immediately are outside of the relationship itself. You can't "fix" your insecurity with an engagement ring.

Hey, if you really want to get married tell him that you're a born again virgin and you can't have sex again until your married.
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Old 9th March 2005, 11:15 PM   #6
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Don't I wish that was the quick and simple answer! LOL I don't know, maybe I'm just being paranoid...I swear, sometimes I wish I could kick myself in my own ass!
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Old 9th March 2005, 11:22 PM   #7
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Confidence is really sexy!

Let him take the lead and he will feel like such a big man. I think you are being paranoid. I can understand why your bf is going slowly, with his past marriage failing, FIVE children to think about, plus college and law school. I am in law school right now, and I barely have time to keep my life in order. (I'm actually studying right now!). This guy has a LOT to think about. So try to relax about it.

My bf told me that we won't get married until I finish school, which is 2007. He asked me when his "deadline" for proposing is. I told him the beginning of 2006 would be fine and we're going to go ring shopping this summer. Although I buy wedding magazines all the time, I hide them when he comes over.

Pushing him about marraige won't work. You've got to let him come around, especially since he's already narrowed down the year...
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Old 9th March 2005, 11:27 PM   #8
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What are your current living arrangements? and with the kids?
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Old 12th March 2005, 3:48 AM   #9
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I know he has a lot to deal with and think about. As a paralegal, I know! As for our living arrangements, he's living with me, so that's a plus. His kids are with their mom, but we get them whenever we want. My kids are here with me.
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Old 12th March 2005, 4:32 AM   #10
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Emily, I wanted to share a little wisdom from a past r/s I had in order to maybe draw a new perspective on things. I once dated a guy that things were great with, I had also experienced a bad marriage. If the marriage was really bad, it does leave you a little gun shy. My guy was great and we got along great and then he started talking about marriage and I just kept thinking to myself about how well everything was going, sort of like if its not broken why fix it. Your guy may be like I was and just get a little nervous about marriage b/c of his past marriage. This does not mean that he does not love you or that he doesn't want to marry you, in my experience I knew I wanted to marry my guy but once he started pressuring me I felt trapped, which made me panic. I guess what I am saying is it will happen but you may have to just start planning the wedding but not involve him with the arrangements. However have you ever thought that maybe he is like most men and wants to know that he can provide for you and your children. I believe that in your case your b/f wishes to finish school so that he can have that security of providing for you. There are some men who insist on not marrying until they are completely convinced that they are financially capable of providing for a family. Just don't take his lack of interest in discussions aout marriage to personally. His intentions are most likely in the best interest of you.
Just one word of caution, don't start throwing up threats or insist on his talking about marriage b/c if he is feeling even a little bit apprehensive about marriage you can ignite that little spark into a raging fire.
Best of luck to you and keep us posted. Look on the bright side, you have plenty of time to plan a he-- of a wedding and plenty of time to pay for it. lol.
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Old 12th March 2005, 7:07 PM   #11
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Well, you are already living together, so he doesn't really have an incentive to get married, does he? On the other hand, maybe you shouldn't worry about it much either, since you have everything but the piece of paper. So, maybe you shouldn't be in a hurry to get married. It's not like you have to worry about your biological clock or anything, since you two already have so many children and you are only 27. (same age as me!)

I'd say don't mention marriage for another year or so. Give yourself a timeline and stick to it.
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