NutellaGirl Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 Once in a relationship can you change the dynamics? Can you go from being serious, boyfriend and girlfriend, exclusive, having shared many many intimate monents and enjoying a healthy sex life to being something different while one of you works out some issues (that the serious realtionship brought out?) Does the the relationship need to end or can it change an adapt to the current needs? Must it stick to the status quo? Or can you change the boundaries, the perimiters, once you've crossed certain "lines" and still be successful.... Can it grow and evolve after the issues have been resolved? Just throwing out a bunch of questions... Link to post Share on other sites
gwennebe Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 Good Question!!!! Wish I could answer it but I'm wondering the same thing!! LOL. I'm kind of going through that right now. My current guy and I are cooling it a little while he works out his fears of getting involved in a realationship too fast for fear it will not work out after he falls for me...... We are not really doing anything different than we were before so it doesn't make any sense to me. I think he just wanted to be reassured that I understand that this may not end up the way we were hoping it would. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 Once in a relationship can you change the dynamics? It completely depends on the motivations behind doing so, and how secure and receptive the other partner is to changing those dynamics. Sometimes, as much as we don't want to admit it: love is conditional. A lot of times "I love you" really means "I will only love you if you continue to do things that make me happy, and as soon as you aren't making me happy anymore I will leave you". Sometimes a partner has to do things that might not make the other partner happy - either for personal growth, or to address issues that will lead to a healthier relationship down the road. I guess the success of a relationship depends on how even the balance is between the partner's needs - and how willing both partners are to let the balance tip, and the amount of faith they have that it can tip back over time. If the motivation behind changing the dynamics turns out to be an excuse for making a breakup easier in an attempt to escape with as little blame and guilt as possible, then that is an entirely different situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NutellaGirl Posted March 9, 2005 Author Share Posted March 9, 2005 Thanks for you comments..... Oh, yes that would be something very different - if it was an excuse to make a breakup easier. My motivation comes from a completely different source. I am thinking about this - to do this to save our relationship in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 I am thinking about this - to do this to save our relationship in the long run. Just be honest with your partner, let him know exactly what you are doing and why and reassure him that it has to be done, or the relationship cannot survive. How willing he is to work with you will depend largely on how much faith and security he has in the relationship in general. Some people just aren't able to let go in order to reap further reward later - hopefully your partner is not one of these types! Do understand that when you make your break, you have to be willing to let your partner make his own way as well. He has as much right to decide to take a different path away from you as a result of this as you do to make the break. Its a sticky situation. Hopefully you two keep some very clear and open lines of communication. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NutellaGirl Posted March 9, 2005 Author Share Posted March 9, 2005 I am not one with the issues.... I love him completely. And this is why i was wondering about this.... To take some of the pressure off while he sorts out his issues. He needs to sort out these issues not just for our relationship - he needs to do this for himself. Our relationship will not survive if he doesn't sort out all the things he is dealing with. I believe that with counciling and therapy he will prevail. He loves me. This has been shown. But he suffers. And is conflicted because the one he loves and does make him feel so good - also makes him suffer. So while he works on this issue, i was thinking that perhaps if we change the dynamics of our relationship he will have my love and support - he will not avoid his issues, but not have as much pressure on him while he goes through things.... The way i look at it - if the relationship won't work if the issues are not resolved - don't we owe it to ourselves - because we do love one another immensely - to try... Plus i do care so much about him, i do want him to work out these issues...... Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 I can understand what you're saying, and what you hope to achieve in the long run, but I think you run the risk of being controlling, having expectations that he might not be able to fulfill. If I hear what you're saying, you believe that your partner needs to resolve issues in his life that have nothing to do with you or your relationship, and in an attempt to help him resolve these issues, you want to temporarily change your relationship with him (breaking up/taking a break/reducing the amount of time you spend together/whatever). Your hope is that in so doing you will enable him to address his issues, so that you and he can resume your relationship at a future date, when he has got himself straightened out. But ask yourself this: why does he need you to "change the dynamic?" Why doesn't he change it himself, if that is the only way he'll be able to address his issues? He might say that he wants to resolve them, but if being with you prevents him from doing so, you do have to consider the possibility that one of the reasons he wants to be with you is so that he won't have to face his issues. I've known several people who have turned away from really important issues because of "love." In the long run the "love" turned out to just be a diversion to keep them from dealing with more difficult things. I've done this myself, in fact. Right now I'm more productive than I've ever been, and I'm really pleased with the work I'm doing... but if I was still in my last relationship, I can almost guarantee you that I wouldn't have tackled the work I'm now doing. It sounds to me like you recognize that this guy has issues and that your relationship with him won't last unless he resolves them. That's all you know right now, and that should be what motivates you to act. You can't predict what will happen if you "change the dynamics" of your relationship with him. If you know that right now your relationship with him will fail sooner or later, act on that knowledge and break up with him. Be honest with him about why you're ending the relationship. The rest is up to him. Maybe he will take that opportunity to straighten himself out, and maybe then he will come back to you. But it's equally possible that it won't work out that way. If you set yourself up to take responsibility for him changing -- by modifying your interaction with him, and putting yourself in limbo until he gets his act together -- you run the risk of a) major disappointment following an agonizing period of waiting, and b) generating a lot of resentment on his part, as he may well feel that you're trying to direct his life. Link to post Share on other sites
HotCaliGirl Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 LucreziaBorgia wrote: Sometimes, as much as we don't want to admit it: love is conditional. A lot of times "I love you" really means "I will only love you if you continue to do things that make me happy, and as soon as you aren't making me happy anymore I will leave you" I've been wondering about this more and more - whether love is indeed conditional. We like to romanticize love, but then if it was truly unconditional, we wouldn't have so many break-ups, especially when the other is supposed to accept you no matter what your faults are, without depending on you to make them happy - which can be a lot or a little over different periods of time... Link to post Share on other sites
Author NutellaGirl Posted March 9, 2005 Author Share Posted March 9, 2005 Thanks for your comments... i haven't included all the elements of our relationship - and what exactly the issues are. So as i am sure, most of all of us would agree, everything is "case by case" and there are lots of variables. Just looking for general"ideas". Just thought i would throw the question out there...... thanks for all your comments. Link to post Share on other sites
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