Dating a [28F] widow

[creath]

I [32M] am close with a woman [28F] I work with. We don’t work in the same department, or even the same building. But I see her a few times a week for lunch dates in the employee lounge or hospital cafeteria and occasionally on the job. We have gone on 8 real dates over the past few months and things are going well.

 

The problem is that she is a widow. Her husband died 4 years ago, they were together for 5 years and had a child [6]. I have two kids as well, from a previous relationship [4, 6]. Our kids (all boys) have met twice and got along really well. They have been asking to play again.

 

Here is where the issues come in. Up until two weeks ago she was still wearing her wedding bands, on the opposite hand. But she has since taken them off. I didn’t say anything, but noticed right away. It made me wonder if she thinks we are more serious than I do or if our feelings are at the same point.

 

Our kids are also all enrolled at the same elementary school, and the oldest two are in the same class. Neither of us knew this until recently when I was at her home and noticed it was right across from my boy’s school. If everything works out or we end things peacefully it’s not a big deal, but I’m (maybe unnecessarily) worried it will cause problems. Can't change it though, only school in this district.

 

When I was at her home I noticed she had some (not a ton) pictures of her late husband around the house. Mostly for her son to see, which didn’t bother me, that is his dad. But she had two of the 3 of them on her night stand and it somewhat made me uncomfortable. I don’t know where the boundaries are.

 

Things are going really well between us and I’d like to take it to the next level. Thus far we have not had sex (only kissing) and it’s the longest I’ve gone seeing someone (4 months) without being intimate. When the subject came up she said she is nervous because she has only had sex with her late husband. We’ve had the exclusivity talk but haven’t made anything official yet. I am not sure how to proceed from here.

[Shanex]

These situation happens even more when we age, whether it's a widow (pretty rare for a late 20s but possible) and encountering a divorced woman with one or more children.

 

It's not easy, if I were you I'd look for a woman your age or a bit younger still childless and who would carry less bagages. Because I read you also have kids, not a problem per se, not an advantage either. You've been patient for going four months without intimacy. I'm thinking she hasn't fully recovered from the death of her husband and you need to tread lightly.

[Buddhist]

Up until two weeks ago she was still wearing her wedding bands, on the opposite hand. But she has since taken them off. I didn’t say anything, but noticed right away. It made me wonder if she thinks we are more serious than I do or if our feelings are at the same point.

 

I would not read anything into this at all. Likely she has removed them for her own personal reasons. Could just be that she feels as if she is psychologically clinging to a partner that is no longer there and now it's time (since she is dating) to let go of that. No need to psychoanalyse this. I doubt she's expecting you to put a ring on it. Once again a guy is acting like a spooked horse.

 

When I was at her home I noticed she had some (not a ton) pictures of her late husband around the house. Mostly for her son to see, which didn’t bother me, that is his dad. But she had two of the 3 of them on her night stand and it somewhat made me uncomfortable. I don’t know where the boundaries are.

 

So you want her to keep wearing her wedding rings but don't like pictures of the dearly departed on the night stand? I think you can leave it up to her to relocate those pictures when and if the time comes to have sex.

 

We’ve had the exclusivity talk but haven’t made anything official yet. I am not sure how to proceed from here.

 

Not sure where the confusion is coming from? Aside from her changing her taste in jewellery and having a few off-putting pics on the mantle piece I don't see a problem or anything here requiring special forces ops.

[creath]

So it's ok for a man with kids to date but not a woman with kid(s) to date? I'm not sure what the meaning of that is. She deserves to be with someone just as much as I or anyone else does. I don't see anything in her life as baggage, just part of her and who she is.

 

We have talked about sex a little bit. In a nut shell, she said that she's nervous because shet has only been with one guy (her late husband), they had some issues and she's been totally out of it for 4 years. She doesn' want to have sex with someone who isn't serious about her. I'm also the first person she's dated since her husband passed. It's hard to wait and I can see that she wants to but then pulls back.

 

I definitely don't think she wants or expects me to propose or anything. It seemed like a big step. I don't want her to wear the wedding rings, it always felt a bit awkward seeing them or holding her hand and feeling them.

 

I guess I'm not sure how fast or slow to proceed with her. Especially in a first relationship since his death and she's basically testing the waters. I've never dated or even known a widow. She shows signs that she wants to move forward but then pulls back.

[PogoStick]

The obvious thing is you two need to discuss your desires and expectations. It's clear this hasn't been done.

 

I think it's too early for you to make demands regarding the pictures (the rings maybe, though I'm not sure why makes them different). But you're on weak footing as the 8 date guy vs 5 year husband and father. Until you agree on exclusivity and moving the relationship forward you need to lay off the jealousy.

[JS84]

If I were in your shoes I'd go for someone who seems more comfortable with the idea of dating. I know she's a widow but it doesn't sound like you guys have progressed very far after 8 dates. Maybe she's not ready?

 

And as far as the ring and the pictures it sounds like you're reading way too much into it. I'm sure she's just as in the dark as you are regarding how she's supposed to handle things in regards to her late husband especially when it comes to dating again.

 

One thing I do find concerning is you haven't given any reasons in this thread as to why you'd want to continue seeing her or even that you really want to. It's either things that can concern you or what you think could go wrong. What is it you like about her or motivates you to keep trying instead of dating other women?

[Buddhist]

I guess I'm not sure how fast or slow to proceed with her. Especially in a first relationship since his death and she's basically testing the waters. I've never dated or even known a widow. She shows signs that she wants to move forward but then pulls back.

 

Completely understandable when it's the death of a loved one. Not just the dissolution of a bad relationship. There's the shock and grief to deal with, and then there is the ever present memory of her lost soulmate and her kids father.

 

If I were you I'd take the removal of the wedding rings as a good sign. It's a clear indicator that she is moving in the desired direction. That's a psychological move to now put the lost love aside and consider making room for someone else. She probably completely forgot about the pictures in the bedroom. Trust me, she will not want to be staring in the face of her lost husband anymore than you do when she decides to have sex with you.

 

I think you're in reasonably safe grounds at this point. When the time feels right, and you'll know it. Just make a move as with any other woman. It might be easier to have sex the first time in a hotel away from the family home etc.

[Tribble]

You seem a little all over the place to be honest. You're worried her removing her wedding rings means she's more serious about your relationship but then you don't like pictures of the late husband in her house.

 

 

As far as intimacy, for those saying things haven't progressed and she clearly isn't ready, come on. The girl has only slept with one other guy. Of course she's going to be nervous! She also doesn't just want casual sex. Which is completely fine. They've had an exclusivity but not a commitment talk. It might well be that she wants commitment before sexual intimacy. That doesn't mean that other intimacy can't develop. OP, you either give her time and be patient with her about sex, or you move on. Opening up a conversation will be a good idea too. About how she feels and talking about sex. You won't know where she stands until you talk more about it and she might feel more comfortable with you after opening up.

[salparadise]

So it's ok for a man with kids to date but not a woman with kid(s) to date?

 

Yea, some people are just clueless. There is an ignore button that hides all their posts and it's really nice.

 

 

I guess I'm not sure how fast or slow to proceed with her. Especially in a first relationship since his death and she's basically testing the waters. I've never dated or even known a widow. She shows signs that she wants to move forward but then pulls back.

 

Dating a widow can be quite different from dating a divorcee. If they idealize their dearly departed and maintain memorials it makes you wonder if they'll ever be able to completely let go of that.

 

I went out with a widow a few times, and we enjoyed each other's company. But I definitely got the vibe that she considered him to be the love of her life. In her case it was pics on facebook that gave me pause. I was the first guy she had dated and I could feel that it was something of an experiment for her. I initiated a conversation and she admitted that in death his image had become larger than life and that they were in love and an ideal couple.

 

I decided to move on because I don't think any man could be #1 to her until she let go of the past, and she wasn't there yet. I don't know if she will ever get there. They also had two kids and she was hyper-focused on them. She was not emotionally available, even though I think she wished she could be.

[startingagain15]

I'm a young widow, my dh died 3.5 years ago. I started dating a little over a year ago. Some of the situations you brought up are thing that have been brought up by my bf of 1 year.

 

I had only been with my late husband too, but after 3 years w/o I was more than ready to be with my bf intimately. My dh and I had not had the best of relationships though, so I do not feel I lost the love of my life. I loved him, but had fallen out of love with him long before he died. If your gf's late-husband was the "love of her life" I can see you needing to be patient with her to be ready to give that part of herself to someone new.

 

I wore my wedding bands for one year after dh died, then took them off. I still will put them on occasionally, because they're pretty and we spent a lot of money on them. Your gf taking them off could be a good sign that she is coming to terms with the fact that her husband is gone and opening herself up to being a single woman ready to move on. I don't think you need to be afraid that she's ahead of you in the relationship just based on taking her rings off, unless her actions tell you that.

 

I have a few pictures of late dh up, none of us as a family, but some single ones of him, and my kids all have one of him with them in their rooms. BF and I had a little fight over it because I had taken some stuff of his x-wife's down at his house that made me uncomfortable (wedding stuff that she never took and he just never cleaned out). He pointed out that I have pictures of dh up, and that was not a good thing to say, lol. In no way is that even similar I told him, my kids dad is not around and is never coming back a few pictures of him around the house should not threaten bf. But having them on her nightstand is a little uncomfortable for you if you are sleeping over there I'm sure. I really wouldn't bring it up until you are actually at the sleeping over point in the relationship though, idk that's a tough one.

 

As far as the kids being in the same school I wouldn't think that would be any issue. People date and break up all the time, kids know that. I don't know why it would cause trouble with them in their school relationships?

[SugarLips72]

He has baggage, not realistic for him to date only women with no kids. I can tell you a woman without kids is even less likely to want involvement.

 

 

OP you like her, she likes you, discuss the picture thing in the bedroom in a month or 2. Give her some time. Never realistic to expect her to take down any pics around the house because her deceased husband is her kids Dad and they probably miss him, but moving them from the nightstand is a reasonable request.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

These situation happens even more when we age, whether it's a widow (pretty rare for a late 20s but possible) and encountering a divorced woman with one or more children.

 

It's not easy, if I were you I'd look for a woman your age or a bit younger still childless and who would carry less bagages. Because I read you also have kids, not a problem per se, not an advantage either. You've been patient for going four months without intimacy. I'm thinking she hasn't fully recovered from the death of her husband and you need to tread lightly.