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Dating after divorce


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So, I've recently reconnected with a guy and things are going well, but moving very slowly. We dated for a few months over a year ago but he broke it off because he was recently divorced and felt that he just wasn't ready for anything serious. The timing just wasn't right and I knew it, so we parted amicably.

 

Time passed, and he recently contacted me again. He told me that had decided to start dating again and he has been out with several women, but found he was always thinking about me. We have been out together twice now and it's gone well. I know he's interested, but we've been out on about 10 dates now and there has been no kiss. I understand why he wants to go slow, he has had a bad experience and he has a child. I'm trying to be patient and allow him to set the pace, but his pace is glacial and the more time passes the more my insecurities make me wonder if he is just not interested/not attracted to me.

 

Thoughts, particularly from anyone who has been divorced and started dating again. Thank you.

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Ten dates seems like a LONG time with no intimacy. Can you ask him about it?

 

I'm not sure I would invest more time in someone without determining sexual compatibility.

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In my mind, I'm kind of "resetting" to the point that we've reconnected. So, he has a few more dates to make a decision... But pretty soon, he will be sliding into the friend zone and the dates won't be happening anymore. Just curious to know if this desire to take things slow is really typical post divorce - not for someone who wants a random hook up, but when you are interested in someone and looking for a good relationship.

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When they say take things slow, means they are keeping their options open. Don't put up with it, you are wasting your time. Invest in someone who is on the same page as you, that wants to go forward with commitment. It's common sense stuff here.....

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Urban_decay

Hi Baily,

 

I went through a nasty divorce a few years ago and while I understand him wanting to take things slow I don't quite get the snails pace that you are talking about here. I didn't date for three and a half years, i did this on purpose to heal myself and to work on some things so that I didn't end up in another bad, dead end relationship. I'm putting my toes back into the water so to speak and have been on a handful of dates with this guy whom I really like. We have shared a kiss and that's it. Before he kissed me which was the last time I saw him, I resigned myself to putting him in the friend zone if he didn't make a move of some kind. I can hold off on sex for a little bit longer because i do tend to get attached when I sleep with someone but I do crave some kind of intimacy.

 

I'm not sure what the deal is with your guy. Do you feel comfortable talking to him? I get trying to heal from a bad divorce/breakup but if he is ready to start dating again then making a move even one as small as kissing or holding your hand is imperative. That is what people who are dating do..

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Thanks for your post Urban_decay.

 

Yes, we talked after he contacted me and he is well aware of what I want in a relationship. We agreed to spend some time together and see where this goes. I know he like me, a lot. I really like and respect him, which is why I'm hanging in and giving him the benefit of the doubt. But, kissing and holding hands is what people who are dating do...

 

And, I don't really think he's trying to keep his options open. If I did, he would be gone. I get that many men would try to do this, but I don't really think that is the case. As much as I am trying to give this a chance to grow into a good relationship, I'm definitely not going to let this continue along past the point that I feel like he's taking advantage of me.

Edited by BaileyB
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  • 3 weeks later...
redbaron007

I am almost 365 days to the day I separated...now that I'm ready for dating again, I don't think I'll ever wait for 10 dates to go by before trying to kiss a woman I find attractive. In fact, if and when I do meet such a woman, I will try to kiss her on the first date itself.

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So, I've recently reconnected with a guy and things are going well, but moving very slowly. We dated for a few months over a year ago but he broke it off because he was recently divorced and felt that he just wasn't ready for anything serious. The timing just wasn't right and I knew it, so we parted amicably.

 

Time passed, and he recently contacted me again. He told me that had decided to start dating again and he has been out with several women, but found he was always thinking about me. We have been out together twice now and it's gone well. I know he's interested, but we've been out on about 10 dates now and there has been no kiss. I understand why he wants to go slow, he has had a bad experience and he has a child. I'm trying to be patient and allow him to set the pace, but his pace is glacial and the more time passes the more my insecurities make me wonder if he is just not interested/not attracted to me.

 

Thoughts, particularly from anyone who has been divorced and started dating again. Thank you.

 

 

I'm a guy, never been married or divorced so take it for what's it worth, but that seems like a lot of dates with no kind of advancement at all. Have you tried openly talking to him about his intentions? There's a difference between slow and snails pace. There's literally no other sexual affection shown during these "dates"? Just a friendly hug? To me that is very odd, even if you want to take things slow. That being said, I've never dealt with marriage and having a child with someone else and then searching again. How old are you? The question should really be do you want to be dating a guy who has that kind of baggage?

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So literally, the week after I made this post things started to change. Frequency of dates increased, communication increased, and things have definitely progressed. Yes, he has baggage from his first relationship but he seems to have a very good handle on things now and a good sense of boundaries. It was a slow start, but we've really been enjoying the time spent together these last few weeks. All is good! Thanks so much for your thoughts and opinions.

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S and things have definitely progressed.

Does this mean you've been kissed?

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Yes. It was a long wait, but after those first two dates, he has definitely been pursuing and progressing the relationship. And what's more, I feel like we have a nice base for the relationship because we have built a nice friendship and we know we have lots of fun together. It's all good!

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Yes. It was a long wait, but after those first two dates, he has definitely been pursuing and progressing the relationship. And what's more, I feel like we have a nice base for the relationship because we have built a nice friendship and we know we have lots of fun together. It's all good!

 

I thought you said it was TEN dates and no kiss..

 

In any event, happy to hear things are starting to progress....

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It was, if you added the three months we dated when we first met. We had been out two or three times when I posted, and I was concerned that it was going to continue along like it had when we first dated - when he expressed clear interest but things kind of stalled and stopped progressing. But, he is clearly in a different place now and we are not stuck in that same confusing place. His intentions are much more clear this time around... The timing is better now.

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I'd point blank ask him if he was attracted to me.

 

If the pace is glacial, then he's doing an avoidance dance with you.

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