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Are people still finding people to date on these dating sites?


ilovemusic3

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ilovemusic3

I'm on Pof, Okcupid, and Tinder, and I can't seem to get any dates. Not too many guys talk to me, and when they do, we message back and forth and then they just stop talking to me. Nobody ever really asks me out. What's going on?

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I'm on Pof, Okcupid, and Tinder, and I can't seem to get any dates. Not too many guys talk to me, and when they do, we message back and forth and then they just stop talking to me. Nobody ever really asks me out. What's going on?

 

Hun, OLD takes alotttt of time. Dont expect it to happen right off the bat or you will end up very disappointed. God I remember OLD, I wanted to pull my hair out, cry, and considered getting on prozac...but it did work out, ended up with a great guy...it just took time. Do put in the effort though, but at the same time dont become obsessed either. The right guy will talk to you long enough to set up a date. I think talking to a guy on OLD for about 5 days is enough time to give him your number. If you wait a long time to give a guy your number, he'll get bored and move on. OLD is full of people who drop off the face of the planet...just move onto the next. Be paitent and dont stress it...when its right...it will happen! Dont give up! :D

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On OKC I got a boyfriend within a first week after creating an account (a terrible one but that's another story). Another guy from this first week still contacts me, 2 years later. I could have dated him in a blink of an eye.

On eHarmony the first guy that I met after reopening my account post break up became my boyfriend... of so far 14 months.

So OLD works. Maybe for men is harder since they need to take the initiative to message, invite etc.

 

P.S. Counterexample: on Match - no success for me, no messages. Go figure. I think having 2-3 accounts in different platforms is the key to get BF/GF in no time.

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The reason why they are not asking you out is because you are pretty much the same as all the other girls. You need to up the anti on your messaging style. Keep it light, fun and flirty but not too much.

 

Some will still disappear but others with get the hint.

 

You could try "you are becoming such a good pen pal - is that a good or bad thing?"

 

or "wow we have been messaging for what seems like forever"

 

Drop subtle hints that you do not want to keep going on messaging for ages on end.

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PegNosePete
we message back and forth and then they just stop talking to me. Nobody ever really asks me out.

Why don't you drop your number, or ask for theirs? That will sort the wheat from the chaff pretty sharpish.

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deadparrot

I was on and off dating sites from age 21 to 28. During that time, there were a couple guys I dated for 3-5 months each, but mostly a lot of disappointment. I went in waves--sometimes very active on the various sites, other times I'd get discouraged and go stagnant for months at a time. Last June, however, I met a wonderful man on OKC. We've been together ever since and will be moving in together next month. So, yes, there are good people to be found, but you have to be patient (and don't rule out meeting a guy "the old fashioned" way).

 

It sounds obvious, but I'd look closely at the guys you're initiating conversation with. Are you taking the time to read through their profiles and make sure their interests/goals are in line with yours? If yes, definitely continue in that vein, and if you're feeling comfortable, don't be afraid to make the first move and ask them to grab drinks or coffee or something. There's a timetable on these things...if you chat for too long, the other person is just going to assume you're looking for a pen pal and lose interest.

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I met my boyfriend of 4 months on Tinder in January. So it is possible, but as others have said, it takes time and lots of conversation to actually meet someone with potential!

 

I would focus on the guys who seem interested, plan a meet quickly and stay in regular contact. Ignore guys who drop off after a quick chat, or keep chatting but never ask you out. Feel free to ask guys out yourself as well.

 

And just keep your mind open to who you will chat to - my boyfriend is not who I was picturing myself with necessarily, but he is an amazing guy who I learn even better things about every day. We both have said we might not have matched earlier in our lives, it's all about timing and knowing when you have a good person standing in front of you (even if s/he doesn't exactly match the vision in your mind).

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salparadise
...don't be afraid to make the first move and ask them to grab drinks or coffee or something. There's a timetable on these things...if you chat for too long, the other person is just going to assume you're looking for a pen pal and lose interest.

 

 

Definitely agree. Those with experience have figured this out. Use it as a place to identify possibilities, but do NOT make the mistake of thinking that extended messaging accomplishes anything at all. Not only is it a waste of time, it's counterproductive. The good ones aren't going to wait around until you've decided to give them a chance (gotta love that mentality), they'll assume that you're just another reticent female whose profile is an exercise in neuroticism.

 

Look at the profile and read between the lines. Send a few messages back and forth and meet as soon as possible. You could message for months and not learn as much as you will in thirty minutes of in-person conversation where you can read body language, inflection, intonation, etc.

 

Here's how it went with my girlfriend... We were both on okc, ninety-eight percent match. She was incognito (didn't want colleagues to see) and liked my profile so I could see her. I sent the first message and asked her to dinner, yes in the first message. She accepted in her response to me. We sent a few more to arrange the time and place. I sent one more just before the our date to confirm and gave her my number so she could text if needed. She reciprocated. We met and liked each other... determined that we're operating on the same wavelength. We've been dating nine months and and are getting pretty serious.

 

Neither of us like the games people try to play, and we both went through several that went nowhere. I waited a year for her to show up. She waited several months. So that's another rule... don't waste time dating just to be dating. If they aren't a keeper, throw'em back. You won't be fully available for the right one if you're entangled with someone else just for the entertainment.

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I'm 49. I can't say I'm fabulously good looking, wealthy (professional income, but by no means well off) or famous.

In Melbourne, Australia I use Oasis only.

I takes me a week to get 3-6 contacts, from which i work down to the one or too I start to date.

It's not hard.

So I'd take a good long look at your profile, your primary photo, and ask yourself:

"Is this the best way I can present myself?"

Got the first contact? Great

What happens next, those first few text messages, that seem to be where you are failing...

Why?

That would require quite the analysis of what you say, what they say, etc etc

 

Can you go through some of the exchanges...give examples?

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JustGettingBy

The generally consensus on here it that OLD is a waste of time for both men and women.

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IslandDude
The generally consensus on here it that OLD is a waste of time for both men and women.

 

What's the recommendation instead of OLD?

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I'm on Pof, Okcupid, and Tinder, and I can't seem to get any dates. Not too many guys talk to me, and when they do, we message back and forth and then they just stop talking to me. Nobody ever really asks me out. What's going on?

 

How old are you?

 

Do you respond with one word answers?

Do you ask the men questions about them?

Do you volunteer info about yourself?

 

A guy just isn't going to keep messaging a woman on a dating site if she doesn't act like she is interested.

 

And since she isn't standing in front of him her messages are the only method of determining interest.

 

However, you could also just be boring.

Sorry but i chat with so many woman that are boring as hell online & I just stop messaging them because i can only imagine how much worse they will be in person. LOL.

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How old are you?

 

Do you respond with one word answers?

Do you ask the men questions about them?

Do you volunteer info about yourself?

 

A guy just isn't going to keep messaging a woman on a dating site if she doesn't act like she is interested.

 

And since she isn't standing in front of him her messages are the only method of determining interest.

 

However, you could also just be boring.

Sorry but i chat with so many woman that are boring as hell online & I just stop messaging them because i can only imagine how much worse they will be in person. LOL.

 

^^^This is very true^^^

 

OLD is a game of chess in many ways. You need to keep your responses interesting, thought provoking, funny, witty. Ask questions about him, give thoughtful feedback. I've talked to guys who were boring as all hell so I'd just stop messaging them.

 

Another thing....Maybe you should change your photos, esp your profile photo. They might not be doing much for the men out there. When I was online dating I made sure to have good pics and a well constructed bio, I was usually flooded with messages because of that.

 

For pics, you should have a face shot...from the neck up. A body shot. A pic with friends. Pics with a sexy look on your face, pics with a nice big smile. Not all your pics should be selfies either. And if you want to be taken seriously dont post half naked pics.

 

I think you should change your pics and bio. And if your getting as few messages as you say you are...you might want to create a new account with a new user name as well.

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PegNosePete
The generally consensus on here it that OLD is a waste of time for both men and women.

That's the "general consensus" amongst people who have failed to use OLD effectively.

 

Amongst those who have used it successfully, it's a very different "consensus".

 

In fact on balance more people use it successfully than fail. There was a poll a while ago, I can't find the link right now but you can probably search for it. The general consensus was that OLD is actually quite good. It's just that the ones who fail at it make the most noise.

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salparadise
The generally consensus on here it that OLD is a waste of time for both men and women.

 

 

No, it's the consensus of those who have had no success with it. They just have a lot more time to moan, and have significant motivation to place fault onto something other than themselves. Posting to relieve anxiety and frustration tends to diminish when one is getting laid regularly.

 

 

Edit: oops, didn't read to the end or I would've just liked Pete's post. Same thought.

Edited by salparadise
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^^^This is very true^^^

 

OLD is a game of chess in many ways. You need to keep your responses interesting, thought provoking, funny, witty. Ask questions about him, give thoughtful feedback. I've talked to guys who were boring as all hell so I'd just stop messaging them.

 

Another thing....Maybe you should change your photos, esp your profile photo. They might not be doing much for the men out there. When I was online dating I made sure to have good pics and a well constructed bio, I was usually flooded with messages because of that.

 

For pics, you should have a face shot...from the neck up. A body shot. A pic with friends. Pics with a sexy look on your face, pics with a nice big smile. Not all your pics should be selfies either. And if you want to be taken seriously dont post half naked pics.

 

I think you should change your pics and bio. And if your getting as few messages as you say you are...you might want to create a new account with a new user name as well.

 

Photos.

FULL BODY please.

I'm tired of the myspace angle selfies of women 35yrs+.

Profile after profile of cleavage & forehead.:mad:

Really?

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The generally consensus on here it that OLD is a waste of time for both men and women.

 

Thats because people are not using it properly so are not getting very good results.

 

There was a poster a while ago who put up his profile. He was given loads of great advice but didn't take anyone up on any of it so guess what? Nothing changed and he still struggles...

 

OLD is an art. You have to learn how to find what you are looking for and how to attract what you are looking for. Its not easy - it is hard work. But if you are diligent and persistent with it you can meet some really great people through it and used as the tool it is to meet people it does its job.

 

I have met some really great people through OLD. Fantastic folk that I have stayed in touch with. They may not be a romantic match for me but they are good people and the sort you want around you in life.

 

That said the number of not great people I have met is way higher.... as I got better at dating and using OLD I got better at picking.

 

Its a tool and yes people do still meet and have relationships through OLD. Its probably one of the most popular way of meeting people these days now our faces are all stuck in our phones and computers and we are not being as sociable outside our own circles any more....

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LookAtThisPOst
Thats because people are not using it properly so are not getting very good results.

 

There was a poster a while ago who put up his profile. He was given loads of great advice but didn't take anyone up on any of it so guess what? Nothing changed and he still struggles...

 

OLD is an art. You have to learn how to find what you are looking for and how to attract what you are looking for. Its not easy - it is hard work. But if you are diligent and persistent with it you can meet some really great people through it and used as the tool it is to meet people it does its job.

 

I have met some really great people through OLD. Fantastic folk that I have stayed in touch with. They may not be a romantic match for me but they are good people and the sort you want around you in life.

 

That said the number of not great people I have met is way higher.... as I got better at dating and using OLD I got better at picking.

 

Its a tool and yes people do still meet and have relationships through OLD. Its probably one of the most popular way of meeting people these days now our faces are all stuck in our phones and computers and we are not being as sociable outside our own circles any more....

 

In my case, it wasn't much of an art form. I had tweaked my profile, took advice, changed out photos, but with still no results.

 

Recently, I had gotten in touch with a woman...we chatted a bit, a few exchanges...got her #, got on a 1st date...then scheduled a full date with her this weekend.

 

It was pretty much how effortless she was interested in going out with me.

 

I found out why because she was aware how some people have these long silly laundry lists of unrealistic expectations and was also aware how people tend to write someone off a candidate by LOOKING for a reason to dismiss them.

 

She knew how all silly that was and she wasn't one of THOSE people and thankfully she was willing to date me.

 

Although, I may get stuck in a rut, just like hitting the slots, one will just hit! :-)

 

we are not being as sociable outside our own circles any more

 

Yep, it's a cryin' shame.

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guitardude31

Like anything, it can be successful, but it largely has to do with your appearance (for both genders) and how well your profile is formatted and written (especially if you are a guy), and what gender you are. On aggregate it tends to only work well for the very attractive, with a bent towards females in general.

 

Women by and large have vastly easier time than men (this also applies to dating, courtship, sex, and romance in general). They tend to get the majority of initial messages, despite often having much more unrealistic expectations of the other sex. They are after all the choosers and gatekeepers, in arguably one of the most important aspects of a humans life. It's pretty lopsided. Men are forced to compete just for a glimpse of attention which could easily be stolen by another guy, even after you gain female interest, which is rare.

 

Here is a study done by okcupid: Your Looks and Your Inbox « OkTrends

 

What is interesting is they found that men were very generous in how they rated females, very forgiving and typically reasonable and closer to the bell curve one would expect, despite having stronger interest in the most attractive women.

 

Not so much for the ladies.

 

"women rate an incredible 80% of guys as worse-looking than medium. Very harsh. On the other hand, when it comes to actual messaging, women shift their expectations only just slightly ahead of the curve.."

 

"Just to illustrate that women are operating on a very different scale, here are just a few of the many, many guys we here in the office think are totally decent-looking, but that women have rated, in their occult way, as significantly less attractive than so-called “medium”:

 

 

Females of OkCupid, we site founders say to you: ouch! Paradoxically, it seems it’s women, not men, who have unrealistic standards for the “average” member of the opposite sex."

Edited by guitardude31
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LookAtThisPOst
Paradoxically, it seems it’s women, not men, who have unrealistic standards for the “average” member of the opposite sex

 

Ditto a thousand times over! I've been saying this since day one. :laugh:

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guitardude31
Ditto a thousand times over! I've been saying this since day one. :laugh:

 

There are women out there who study this subject and have come to the same conclusion despite the fact that they often get maligned for these findings by other females. But the data out there is pretty consistent.

 

Another interesting factoid, is a lesbian feminist actually lived as a man for 18 months, and by the end of it concluded it was a much bigger privilege to be female, especially in the realms of sex, dating, love, and courtship. She actually felt deep sympathy for the male experience, and had a lot of assumptions of hers put on their heads as it were.

 

Women are the gatekeepers and choosers, especially in the western cultures, and have most if not all the power really, for arguably one of lifes most important and life altering things, relationships and love. It's pretty sad and unfair to say the least.

 

Here is a short video on this woman's story. It includes the dating aspect as well.

 

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SwordofFlame
Like anything, it can be successful, but it largely has to do with your appearance (for both genders) and how well your profile is formatted and written (especially if you are a guy), and what gender you are. On aggregate it tends to only work well for the very attractive, with a bent towards females in general.

 

Women by and large have vastly easier time than men (this also applies to dating, courtship, sex, and romance in general). They tend to get the majority of initial messages, despite often having much more unrealistic expectations of the other sex. They are after all the choosers and gatekeepers, in arguably one of the most important aspects of a humans life. It's pretty lopsided. Men are forced to compete just for a glimpse of attention which could easily be stolen by another guy, even after you gain female interest, which is rare.

 

Here is a study done by okcupid: Your Looks and Your Inbox « OkTrends

 

What is interesting is they found that men were very generous in how they rated females, very forgiving and typically reasonable and closer to the bell curve one would expect, despite having stronger interest in the most attractive women.

 

Not so much for the ladies.

 

"women rate an incredible 80% of guys as worse-looking than medium. Very harsh. On the other hand, when it comes to actual messaging, women shift their expectations only just slightly ahead of the curve.."

 

"Just to illustrate that women are operating on a very different scale, here are just a few of the many, many guys we here in the office think are totally decent-looking, but that women have rated, in their occult way, as significantly less attractive than so-called “medium”:

 

 

Females of OkCupid, we site founders say to you: ouch! Paradoxically, it seems it’s women, not men, who have unrealistic standards for the “average” member of the opposite sex."

 

Not disagreeing with you, but I don't think those studies consider age. Sure women online in their 20s can be extremely selective, but I would think the odds start to even out and eventually favor men as women age.

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LookAtThisPOst
Not disagreeing with you, but I don't think those studies consider age. Sure women online in their 20s can be extremely selective, but I would think the odds start to even out and eventually favor men as women age.

 

You would think yes, but I think online dating perpetuates their unrealistic expectations up unto their 40's...maybe even older.

 

I mean, why is it I have constantly seen the same mid-40's women that I've already emailed on these dating sites?

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guitardude31
Not disagreeing with you, but I don't think those studies consider age. Sure women online in their 20s can be extremely selective, but I would think the odds start to even out and eventually favor men as women age.

 

It *can* even out, but those expectations often still remain it seems. Women tend to start to see a dramatic drop in there perceived sexual marketplace value once 30 arrives, but of course, this isn't universal, just on aggregate.

 

Basically young attractive women have immense power and privilege, and that starts to wane with significant notable aging around 30, kids, etc. (this of course varies per person and culture). Generally, if men are fortunate enough genetically and economically, they can indeed start to even the score a bit, but as said before, those expectations often remain, even if tempered a bit. They still ultimately have more choice. A lot of this is just built into our DNA and how we have evolved biologically over the years.

 

That being said these studies do include people of older ages. But keep in mind, the idea that men are so disproportionately disadvantaged in the primes of there lives is pretty sobering stuff by itself, despite the fact that while it continues as both genders age, it softens a bit as women have had there fun, have kids, gain weight, lose economic status in some way etc etc.

 

Keep in mind that women initiate the vast majority of breakups and divorces according to the data we have, with frivolous reasons often being the most commonly cited reason (not infidelity or abuse etc). it's around 70% on average and that shoots up to 90+% for college educated women, which in fact make the vast bulk of college graduates now (evidence is mounting college is largely gynocentric, and tends to benefit how females learn relative to how we understand men learn). It's really all very fasinating if not depressing for the male side once you dig into the data.

Edited by guitardude31
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LookAtThisPOst

 

Keep in mind that women initiate the vast majority of breakups and divorces according to the data we have, with frivolous reasons often being the most commonly cited reason (not infidelity or abuse etc)..

 

Actually, in the defense of women...it's usually men tuning them out, no longer dating their wives, etc.

 

Men tend to get too comfortable in their marriages and then complacent to the point where they feel they don't need to romance their wives anymore. Eventually the nagging goes to silence, then one day...the Dear John letter.

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