I feel like maybe I came on a bit too strong

[TwilightRiddles17]

Hey all,

 

So I started talking to a guy online almost 2 weeks ago. He and I bonded over a mutual interest in industrial music (which has been rare for both of us), and we were very flirty through our messages. He sent me long messages and I would send him long messages in return and they were fairly regular throughout the day and we admitted we liked each other based on our

conversations. He did mentioned that he was mainly looking for friends, but he was 'very fond' of at least one thing in every message I sent him. I gave him my phone number after about 6 days and we started texting. Last Saturday, he wanted to meet up to hang out for a while. We met up at Panera and went down to a dock nearby. We walked around and talked for a while. I mentioned I was cold, so he gave me a towel to use as a sort of blanket (he wasn't wearingg a jacket). We laughed a lot during our time together and he would find ways to touch me or put his arm around me a few times. We ended up hugging for a long time, during which he rubbed my back and my neck. After that, I asked him what his catch was, and he asked me what I meant, to which I said "I've always been taught that when something or someone seems too good to be true, it probably is".. He took a minute to answer and said he didn't really know, that maybe he's nicer than most guys, but he wasn't sure about an answer to that question. When we parted ways, he hugged me and said we would talk the next next day. I kissed him on the cheek and he laughed like he was happy. Our cars were facing opposite directions and we both looked at each other and smiled for quite a while before we left. It seemed like such a great experience.

Since then, he's talked to me at least a bit every day, but it's been significantly less often than it was before we hung out and he seems distant. He did get a message from his exe's dad that his ex has been suicidal and not doing well lately, and from personal experience, I know that dealing with an ex who has attempted or completed suicide is not easy. I told him I'm here for him if he needs to vent, talk or whatever, and he kind of brushed that off a bit. I don't know how to feel about any of this. A large part of me feels like I need to give him space to potentially come to me, especially considering how me might be feeling now. Another part of me feels like he's not interested in me, even as friends, and he just doesn't want to tell me. I haven't heard from him today and I don't want to push him to talk to me. I like him, but even if he doesn't reciprocate my interest, I feel like he would be a great friend to me and I definitely would like more true friends in my corner.

Any advice on what this sounds like? The whole situation is confusing to me. I feel like maybe I came on a bit too strong.. But he seemed to receptive to everything during the night. I don't know..

[smudge21]

I think you've done all you can in this situation. Sounds like he may be unsure what he wants and there's a possibility he still has a strong connection to his ex. I know that having someone in poor health or feeling low can be tough, but this is his ex, someone from his past. Why is he still a part of her life to the point where her dad is contacting him? Doesn't sound right to me.

 

I'd try to avoid reaching out too much as that comes off as desperate and only pushes people away. Just give him time and space to work out what he wants and in the meantime, work out what you really want to. Saying you like him as a friend isn't really true is it, as there's clearly an emotional connection there. Never settle for friendship when it's not want you really want. You'll only end up hurting yourself and wasting your life away.

[tayriley]

 

We laughed a lot during our time together and he would find ways to touch me or put his arm around me a few times. We ended up hugging for a long time, during which he rubbed my back and my neck.

 

When we parted ways, he hugged me and said we would talk the next next day. I kissed him on the cheek and he laughed like he was happy.

 

I told him I'm here for him if he needs to vent, talk or whatever, and he kind of brushed that off a bit.

 

I like him, but even if he doesn't reciprocate my interest, I feel like he would be a great friend to me and I definitely would like more true friends in my corner.

 

You are not friends. Friends that meet up for the first time do not touch and rub up on each other. Unless you are european, you do not kiss on the cheek when you meet with friends. He was sexually attracted to you which is why he got all handsy.

 

The fact that he wrote he was only looking for friends online but then when he meets up with you for the first time, he is all touchy-feely...makes me think this is a game he has run before. Acting like he is all innocent and not looking for sex so that women can let their guard down. it's actually a pretty smart move on his part. diabolical, but smart.

 

my guess is he is seeing/texting at least one other girl if not several other girls and right now you are on the back burner. things probably heated up with one of the other girls so he is not paying you as much attention anymore. the ex-suicide story is probably true and also taking up some of his time, but that would not cause a guy to pull back from potential hot sex with a new girl. no freaking way!!

 

so what should you do with him? nothing. he sounds like a player to me. if you want to possibly hook up with him, then you can keep the convo going with him, but this is not a boyfriend material type of person. know that and you'll be set free from impossible expectations like him being your 'friend'....would a true friend omit the truth to you about being with other girls? make you attracted to them only to disappear/be cold? even initially lie about only wanting friends online when in person he wants sex?

 

i know the fantasy is, oh, he really only wanted friends but when he showed up, i was so hot that he just couldn't keep his hands off me...i'm sorry but no. guys are very purposeful when it comes to sexual attraction. he was playing you.

 

you can choose to keep playing the game with him for sex, but as far as friendship and dating goes, look elsewhere. you will not get it from him. the most you will get is some male attention and sex. look elsewhere, date other guys.

 

one more thing- he was flirty with you from the get-go, but he says he is only looking for friends...that is a sneaky way of him saying he doesnt want anything serious or relationship-driven. he is looking for casual sex with no strings attached (ie, someone he doesnt have to text back regularly and not feel bad about it) and you must BELIEVE HIM when he says that. it sounds like you are already falling for him. this is NOT friendship. a friend doesn't plan on having sex with you and then ignoring you.

Edited May 14, 2016 by tayriley

[ExpatInItaly]

Well, he told you from the get-go he's only looking for "friends." Where online did you meet him, exactly?

 

I would take to mean one of two things: 1) he's not actually single but is playing around with the idea of a side-piece while still trying to appear innocent, or 2) he tells women he only wants "friends" in the event that there isn't much chemistry upon meeting them, but he doesn't feel like the bad guy blowing them off later.

 

Regardless, if his ex is indeed suicidal, he's got too much on his plate right now. The fact that the dad reached out to him suggests he's still important to her or in her life in some way. It's probably not the type of situation you want to get too close to.

 

Don't stress it. If he gets in touch again, great. If not, next!

[preraph]

I think your comment about too good to be true threw him off. It made you sound like you'd never had a good date before. And yes, he probably is, of course, seeing or flirting with other women since he's single and you just met.

[smackie9]

What is your gut telling you??? too good to be true?? probably is. Leave it for now. If he contacts you fine be his friend, but for now, don't contact him. Whatever he has going on, obviously he needs to deal with it alone.