Beachguy Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 I'm not talking stripper's. But if you feel so inclined by all means chime in. My issue is my serious GF whom I do love has a bar job at a nice steakhouse. She will be expected to work late til 1130. Which is early for bars. My situation is that I make plenty of money and don't need to get rent, or anything from her to make bills. Well last night she works from 4 til 1130 and I don't hear from her at all...usually I get multiple texts through the night, telling me about to leave....almost done ....around 930. This time it was silence til she was already driving. I know she stayed after for drinks with her coworkers or customers I'm not stupid. The girl wants me to marry her and after last night I bluntly told her if you still want that from me ...the night shift stops . I don't mind day shift 11-5pm which includes happy hour....if shoes were reversed and I was a bartender with female bosses and clients who all wanted to screw me then yes she would feel the same as me. No offense to anyone in that line of work, it's good money and a fun job at times. As a husband I just won't allow it. Advice criticism is welcome Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 Beachguy, From what you have said your gf likes working because it gives her self-respect and independence. Time and again we have posts on here from guys complaining that women are "gold-diggers" and "spongers". Now we have a girl who is working and probably earning good money - socialising with customers = more tips, and you're complaining? Be glad she's employed and stop issuing ultimatums. If any guy had told me he wanted me to stop what I was doing workwise, I'd be gone real fast. If you don't like her choice of employment, then don't date girls who work in the hospitality industry. I didn't want to date guys who played in bands because I didn't like the life-style. I didn't date one and then beef about it. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 Won't allow it. Huh. "Not allowing" and "demanding" just don't fit into my definitions of love or marriage, but I guess you’ll see if she goes for it. Although I've usually worked 8-5, I’ve dated people in shift work, food services and retail who had different schedules but it never occurred to me to force them, or even ask them, to quit their jobs for my pleasure or preference. My daughter is 29 and her then-BF (now husband) worked nights for the first 2 years they lived together. She never demanded that he change jobs. When we were young my husband had to do nights 50% of the time as a computer engineer (watching thermocouples on "supercomputers" lol). It never even occurred to me to not allow or demand when it came to his job. Think through how this rule would work in your marriage. Is she going to have veto power over your job if some day you have to travel 4 days a week? If you want to move for work? Is your theory that the higher-earner holds the veto or what? Seriously, think it through. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 So you are saying she won't have any self control and all she was doing is decompressing having a couple of drinks with a few regulars at the end of her shift....WHAT A WH&^$@. You are just being jealous, controlling and insecure. I worked in a club for over 4 years, and I had np keeping my pants on. What you are asking of her is so out of line. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beachguy Posted May 12, 2016 Author Share Posted May 12, 2016 I'm pretty lucky with my job. She doesn't need to work . I own a successful business. She's a full time real estate agent and is making that her career . I've paid for ALL of her costs. Thousands and thousands of costs. Bought her a very nice car for her profession. The bar thing was a cash job a year ago to bring in a few hundred a week which I respect tremendously even though she knows I don't need the help. Truly I respect that . Maybe my situation is different than most. If I feel uncomfortable not having her company 2/3 nights a week, how would she feel if roles were reversed? Sorry I'm a guy,, I know guys hit on hot bartenders both sexes...I've seen everything. If I'm gonna marry someone I would prefer at least that nighttime is a time she should be home. If she had a real estate deal at 8pm great. There's no alcohol there. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 So you are saying since you paid and bought things for her, that you now own her, and she must be under your rule. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 Real estate means weekends. Maybe this will all be great with her, but if she were my kid I would advise her not to marry you. You sound controlling, and obliviously so. Plus, I never fall for the “I’m a guy, so…” argument. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
frus69 Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 Have you asked her to stop and what did she say? If she is a real estate agent why does she need this second job? and lastly if you get jealous you just shouldn't find a GF with bar job 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beachguy Posted May 12, 2016 Author Share Posted May 12, 2016 So you are saying she won't have any self control and all she was doing is decompressing having a couple of drinks with a few regulars at the end of her shift....WHAT A WH&^$@. You are just being jealous, controlling and insecure. I worked in a club for over 4 years, and I had np keeping my pants on. What you are asking of her is so out of line. Sorry I've met her boss, GM the owner and some clients and nobody disrespects the woman I love regardless if she's not taking her pants off. I trust her. But just not going to put up with it. She's told me what has been said to her I don't fly off the handle at all. However I have been at the bat and very politely told her GM if I hear a word that she says about you again my attorney would contact his wife to politely ask him to stop. Like I said its the nite work that seems to be problematic. Not the day shift. Maybe not enough people here can understand my point I guess Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 BTW women get hit on at the grocery store, at the coffee shop, pumping gas, at the ATM, at the beach, the mall, pretty much anywhere....and there's no alcohol. What are you going to do then? forbid her to go out in public alone??? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beachguy Posted May 12, 2016 Author Share Posted May 12, 2016 Have you asked her to stop and what did she say? If she is a real estate agent why does she need this second job? and lastly if you get jealous you just shouldn't find a GF with bar job Just started RE. Bartending job was day shift mostly in beginning...she's moved in to my house and now it's been a few nights....I can cope now. Married no way Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beachguy Posted May 12, 2016 Author Share Posted May 12, 2016 So you are saying since you paid and bought things for her, that you now own her, and she must be under your rule. No. Just that marriage comes with a price no more bar at night. She wants me to marry her. I've got clients that ask to go out all the time ...I decline because she's asked me to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beachguy Posted May 12, 2016 Author Share Posted May 12, 2016 BTW women get hit on at the grocery store, at the coffee shop, pumping gas, at the ATM, at the beach, the mall, pretty much anywhere....and there's no alcohol. What are you going to do then? forbid her to go out in public alone??? Not worried about that. The alcoholic inherent with a bar job at night. Link to post Share on other sites
frus69 Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 Just started RE. Bartending job was day shift mostly in beginning...she's moved in to my house and now it's been a few nights....I can cope now. Married no way I personally think you are entitled to your feeling (though lots of women will think you are controlling or you don't trust her enough) but she is also entitled to do what she likes. If she doesn't agree to stop the job there is nothing you can do. Either grow a big heart or find someone else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 (edited) Sorry I've met her boss, GM the owner and some clients and nobody disrespects the woman I love regardless if she's not taking her pants off. I trust her. But just not going to put up with it. She's told me what has been said to her I don't fly off the handle at all. However I have been at the bat and very politely told her GM if I hear a word that she says about you again my attorney would contact his wife to politely ask him to stop. Like I said its the nite work that seems to be problematic. Not the day shift. Maybe not enough people here can understand my point I guess Yeah, we just can't understand.... you're special and misunderstood. I see now. Can't imagine why you posted the question since you're not interested in any opinion but your own. But you're clearly decided and as flexible as a railroad tie. Show her this thread as it develops, all of the opinions. Then see what she thinks. Believe me, you do not want to marry someone who does not want to be controlled or who recoils at your attitude. BTW women get hit on at the grocery store, at the coffee shop, pumping gas, at the ATM, at the beach, the mall, pretty much anywhere....and there's no alcohol. What are you going to do then? forbid her to go out in public alone??? lol. so true. And I just read a thread today where people were encouraging a guy to come on to someone who has a BF. It happens everywhere. Edited May 12, 2016 by BlueIris added 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beachguy Posted May 12, 2016 Author Share Posted May 12, 2016 I personally think you are entitled to your feeling (though lots of women will think you are controlling or you don't trust her enough) but she is also entitled to do what she likes. If she doesn't agree to stop the job there is nothing you can do. Either grow a big heart or find someone else. I've been more than fair and helped her more than anyone ever has. I simply realized that last night without a call for 6 hours and she's an hour past normal quitting time I just assumed to hear from the police. She's sorry she didn't call and I accepted her apology. If I took my clients out some who happen to be attractive women with some men etc....til 1145. Without any calls for 5 hours. How would she feel.? She said bluntly that she would blow my phone up and be insanely jealous. My request I thought was fair. I get invited out three times a week. Even to cruises or the islands...she asks I don't go....so I stay. Link to post Share on other sites
frus69 Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 I've been more than fair and helped her more than anyone ever has. I simply realized that last night without a call for 6 hours and she's an hour past normal quitting time I just assumed to hear from the police. She's sorry she didn't call and I accepted her apology. If I took my clients out some who happen to be attractive women with some men etc....til 1145. Without any calls for 5 hours. How would she feel.? She said bluntly that she would blow my phone up and be insanely jealous. My request I thought was fair. I get invited out three times a week. Even to cruises or the islands...she asks I don't go....so I stay. Seems like she agrees with you. so whats the problem? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beachguy Posted May 12, 2016 Author Share Posted May 12, 2016 Yeah, we just can't understand.... you're special and misunderstood. I see now. Can't imagine why you posted the question since you're not interested in any opinion but your own. But you're clearly decided and as flexible as a railroad tie. Show her this thread as it develops, all of the opinions. Then see what she thinks. Believe me, you do not want to marry someone who does not want to be controlled or who recoils at your attitude. lol. so true. And I just read a thread today where people were encouraging a guy to come on to someone who has a BF. It happens everywhere. Well I think the street goes both ways. She's asked me to stop going out with clients so I did ... and until last night I had no issue with her working nights for several months. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beachguy Posted May 12, 2016 Author Share Posted May 12, 2016 Seems like she agrees with you. so whats the problem? Was curious how other people here deal with the issue ..if they find a middle road ....I suggested day shift bar til happy hour. Home by 6. I don't think I'm being unreasonable Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 Then you're a perfect match. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 Was curious how other people here deal with the issue ..if they find a middle road ....I suggested day shift bar til happy hour. Home by 6. I don't think I'm being unreasonable I wouldn't date someone without a stable job and preferably a career, since I have one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beachguy Posted May 12, 2016 Author Share Posted May 12, 2016 I wouldn't date someone without a stable job and preferably a career, since I have one. Thanks for your opinion. She's younger and intelligent very hard working. I'M sure she will be successful. Link to post Share on other sites
frus69 Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 Was curious how other people here deal with the issue ..if they find a middle road ....I suggested day shift bar til happy hour. Home by 6. I don't think I'm being unreasonable I wouldn't even start a relationship with a bartender unless he has plans for bigger things in the very near future Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 Well then you two need to sit down and discuss expectations and boundaries so it's fair for both of you. **Gosh I just can't imagine telling my husband he can't go to a stag, or go away for a weekend with his buddies, can't go out for a beer or stop playing in a band at night because there's alcohol and women there too. Or expect him to call me every second he's going to be late. I don't freak out if he doesn't call....I know he will get home eventually. We have been together for over 26 years ........I don't think either of you are ready for marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beachguy Posted May 12, 2016 Author Share Posted May 12, 2016 I wouldn't even start a relationship with a bartender unless he has plans for bigger things in the very near future Funny you say that. Real est is her career. It's slow and unsteady pay. But as time goes on that becomes a lucrative career. I'm even entertaining the idea of her phasing out the bar thing. But i know she likes to do it. May I ask why you wouldn't date a bartender Link to post Share on other sites
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