Is it him? Or me? [updated]

[BilleRae]

Hey All,

Let me start by saying this situation is all very new to me, in a couple of ways. 1) I’m usually the one with the “upper hand” in most of my relationships (sorry if that seems rude), 2) I’m seeing a bisexual guy (I’m gay).

 

 

 

I matched with this guy, Mike on Tinder in the beginning of March, the tenth to be specific. We chatted nonstop and he asked me out a week later. The date went awesome, we got a long great; conversation was flowing – met for coffee around 1 and spent pretty much the entire day together, had dinner and went our separate ways around 7. He did comment on how he had a great time and usually his first dates don’t last this long, ever. Things went really fast, he slept over that Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. When we’d lay in bed he would say “I’ve never enjoyed this going as fast as it is,’ and “I like you a lot.” I was really enjoying it. The next day he said he was going to put an emoji next to my name that reminded him of me, and then said “Okay now we have to find one for me.” Jokingly I said, “woah we can’t just choose one for you, it has to come naturally,” to which he replied “Okay, I’ll settle for hearts around my name for now haha.” I thought it was funny and did. The next morning he asked if I still had the hearts around his name and when I said yes he asked me to send him a screenshot to prove it.

 

 

 

At this point, I’m feeling good about him and keep thinking “damn, this dude is pretty awesome.” :love:

 

 

The Monday following Easter, we had an incident where he thought I was on POF (I deleted my actual profile the day after our first date – I know kind of weird). It turns out someone had taken my profile picture and made an account near where I work. He said he saw the profile on his co-workers POF and proceeded to call me out on it via text. He said things such as “let me know if you want someone else, because I’m not going to put effort into this if you aren’t.” Rightfully so, however after about 30 minutes of this, he texted me back saying “Well it wasn’t you….I took the phone and conversed with the profile until I was sure it wasn’t you. I’m sorry, I just got scared that I was being lied to by someone I actually liked a lot” He then asked if I was mad at him to which I replied I wasn’t; I was actually so flattered that he got so bent out of shape because it showed he liked me. He asked if we were still on for dinner later that night (and a sleepover) and it was a great night. **As we were cuddling he did keep apologizing for his action earlier that day and saying “I had no right, we aren’t exclusive.”

Due to work, on both our parts, we weren’t able to see each other until Friday (which is probably a normal dating pace). Friday comes and we had an awesome day/night full of fun activities, he then slept over and again he made all those cute comments but added this new one “I’ll never leave your side.” Saturday morning he left and that’s when it all changed.

 

 

 

Our conversations, via text, were nonexistent. He then messaged Sunday night saying, “sorry that I was MIA bub, busy with work,” which is understandable. Next few days, texts again were scarce. He texted me a meme that said “I miss you” and then sent a text saying “Sorry I’ve been busy, I’ll make it up to and take you out to a fancy dinner.”

 

 

I ended up seeing him last night (1st time in a week and a half). As I’m typing this I feel as if I can see I’m making this a bigger deal than I should be. I’m just so confused with the mixed signals, he’s the one who has initiated all these cute/romantic comments yet then pulls back. Plus the pet name “bub” has turned in “bud,” which is making me crazy. My thoughts: he does like me a lot but he is just a genuinely busy guy (work and applying for grad school) and maybe he is a bit scared as to 1) his feelings for me, since I’m the 1st guy he’s had romantic feelings for or 2) maybe it just moved to fast for him and now he’s just pulling back a little. Should I just ride it out and see where things go and if they don’t improve by month #2 bring it up to him? Thanks, in advance, for the advice. :confused:

[d0nnivain]

I'm a straight woman but on the theory that men are men, anybody who moves to the big deal romance too fast isn't to be trusted. That type (& yes I realize I'm generalizing) likes the thrill of the chase. So at this point you need to keep your emotions in check which can be tough when they give you all these good things that you want.

 

The misappropriated profile thing is a bit unusual so when he thought you were still looking that probably threw him & made him understandably secure.

 

I'd chalk these up to bumps in the road. You are doing your best to smooth them out. The actual dates seem to be going well so focus on the positive.

[BilleRae]

I'm a straight woman but on the theory that men are men, anybody who moves to the big deal romance too fast isn't to be trusted. That type (& yes I realize I'm generalizing) likes the thrill of the chase. So at this point you need to keep your emotions in check which can be tough when they give you all these good things that you want.

 

The misappropriated profile thing is a bit unusual so when he thought you were still looking that probably threw him & made him understandably secure.

 

I'd chalk these up to bumps in the road. You are doing your best to smooth them out. The actual dates seem to be going well so focus on the positive.

 

Thank you for your response. Thankfully work is picking up this week, so i'm considering holding off on texting him as much. I do think I've made it a bit too easy for him, i.e. always being available when he asks to hang out (meanwhile, he's declined hang out invites) and always needing to text him. He probably realized my feelings and has adopted the "I can have my cake and eat it too" mindset. Again, thank you so much for your advice.

[d0nnivain]

A little more mystery on your part is probably a good thing. You hanging back is good for you to have other interests.

 

Best wishes.

[Jejangles]

Totally agree with donnivain. Pull back a little, make yourself a little less available and you will likely spark his interest more. Some call it games, I call it reality - you get more excited about something when you have had to put a little effort in.

 

The bisexual element is another thing to bear in mind I think. He may be excited about your connection but also feeling a little unnerved. So give him time to process it all, and come to you a little more. Don't bring up anything this early on - if he's busy and a little unsure, you're more likely to scare him away a bit rather than bring him closer.

 

Good luck! It sounds promising, I will keep my fingers crossed for you.

[BilleRae]

Thank you, as well. Im definitely going to pull back. Thanks for the support. Y'all are awesome

[BilleRae]

Hey Guys,

Thought I would give you all an update. After a few more days of awkwardness, I decided to ask what was up. He felt as if I was playing the field and took my attempt at "pulling back" as a sign that I was uninterested. We talked through it, and now we both know where we stand. Things have been great thus far. Thank you all for your advice.

[BilleRae]

Hey All,

Again, I am reaching out to you guys for some advice. After my most recent post, the guy I’ve been dating and I had a talk which brought us onto the same page, that we’re going to pursue only each other (which I suppose is another way of saying we’re kind of exclusive). Anyways, we don’t get to see a lot of each other, due to both our schedules being hectic (his obviously more than mine at this current time) and sometimes conflicting. After “up in the air” plans fell through, I did send a rather passive aggressive text that said, “I would like to start hanging out again, if you’re down for that, so let me know when you’re free.” He immediately called me and burst out crying (which was new) and said this is the season when work gets extremely busy for him and that he’s really trying to not be as busy and to please bear with him. This then led him to say this is why his last relationship didn’t work out, because of his schedule and that he was sorry he can’t text and hang out as much. I’ve come to realize a few things: 1) I’m dancing on the line of being “needy” and possibly causing him more stress, which will just make things worse (and I don’t want to be that way), 2) he genuinely does care for me and at 2 months in I’m not a huge priority (oh god that makes me cringe to admit it hasn’t been that long). What’s getting to me is that I was never insecure or needy….EVER! So why now, why this guy? So I just need advice on how to get my sh*t together and not ruin this, cause he is a great catch. Basically a reality check. The advice is appreciated more than y’all know.

[Versacehottie]

Well I'd need to look at your past thread and/or know more to fully give advice, but my quick, simple advice is:

 

*don't let him do up in the air plans with you--do not commit or hold out/wait for those plans. Just simply bounce it back to him by saying when he knows more about his schedule he is welcome to contact you to see if you are free (but that you likely won't be because you plan things in advance and have a lot going on as well)

*only do last minute plans with him if it suits your schedule (because that is what he is doing to you at the moment)

*basically he is the one with a challenging and busy work/life schedule, if you want him to make you are priority, he's going to need to carve out some time with thought to it. If you want to teach him to lower your priority and therefor your value, you let him do what he is doing.

 

Sadly i realize this doesn't really allow you to move things forward with him too much or there's no guarantee of it. But it will be too one-sided and you will feel and be made to feel needy/clingy if you don't do some version of this. In a way you have to lower your expectations of what he can deliver (so you are not disappointed or pushing him) but raise your standards of what you will accept from him (so that he doesn't take you for granted). This is the time to be understanding of what he's got going on but firm in what you want. There is a way to see one another for sure but it won't result in the relationship you want if you are the only one making compromises. He has to go the extra step with what he can do, provided his schedule, to show you he is putting effort in. (such as asking you out 2 weeks in advance or being more spontaneous but accepting that might mean a "no" from you; he CAN do something if he wants to).

 

Right now he wants it kinda both ways: the flexibility of a non-gf and the closeness of a gf. This will leave you hurt. Just get your expectations in line of what you believe he can really give and what you are willing to accept and then stick to it. You need to mold his behavior--right now he is trying to mold yours and kinda getting away with it. Unfortunately, at the beginning what this means for you is that you may not see him. Don't roll over or it will just teach him that he can prioritize you last which is the worst thing for a guy who claims to have no time (or sees his life as such).

 

Inherent in a comment like that is already the presumption that he is not afraid to scare you away with (you need to be happy with the little I can give you). Guys lose respect and don't fall in love with the girls that allow this. You can walk the line of showing him that you are worthy of respect, being a top priority and not being needy--but it's not easy. It's more typical that you would swing all the way to "not needy" and then he takes you for granted OR all the way to trying to show him to put you as a top priority and it comes off as needy. That's why right in this 'teaching moment" you need to let him have the freedom but it does not mean he gets to see you (that will be the hard part because then you both lose in the short term). It's tough but good luck!

[brothers343]

Your insecure probably becouse as you say (his a great catch). And we both know that those are hard to find these days. I guess patience will be the key to your question. If this is his career and he will not change it, than your going to have to find a way to deal with it. But if you know or find out that you can't, then this great CATCH is not meant to be in your future. Sometimes you have to mold yourself in a different way, I don't mean change yourself either. If both of you feel the same about each other. Than there's always a line of hope that it can work out.

[katiegrl]

Your insecure probably becouse as you say (his a great catch). And we both know that those are hard to find these days. I guess patience will be the key to your question. If this is his career and he will not change it, than your going to have to find a way to deal with it. But if you know or find out that you can't, then this great CATCH is not meant to be in your future. Sometimes you have to mold yourself in a different way, I don't mean change yourself either. If both of you feel the same about each other. Than there's always a line of hope that it can work out.

 

Sorry he doesn't sound like such great catch to me at all!

 

He called you back crying because he has no time to see you? Told you to be patient?

 

And ALL his previous RLs ended this way also?

 

The guy has issues.... and there is no such thing as too busy when one is interested and/does not have issues (with commitment, relationships, whatevs).

 

That's a load of you know what.

 

I wouldn't bother.

Edited April 28, 2016 by katiegrl

[Versacehottie]

Right now he wants it kinda both ways: the flexibility of a non-partner and the closeness of a partner. This will leave you hurt. Just get your expectations in line of what you believe he can really give and what you are willing to accept and then stick to it. You need to mold his behavior--right now he is trying to mold yours and kinda getting away with it. Unfortunately, at the beginning what this means for you is that you may not see him. Don't roll over or it will just teach him that he can prioritize you last which is the worst thing for a guy who claims to have no time (or sees his life as such).

 

Inherent in a comment like that is already the presumption that he is not afraid to scare you away with (you need to be happy with the little I can give you). Guys lose respect and don't fall in love with the partners that allow this. You can walk the line of showing him that you are worthy of respect, being a top priority and not being needy--but it's not easy. It's more typical that you would swing all the way to "not needy" and then he takes you for granted OR all the way to trying to show him to put you as a top priority and it comes off as needy. That's why right in this 'teaching moment" you need to let him have the freedom but it does not mean he gets to see you (that will be the hard part because then you both lose in the short term). It's tough but good luck!

 

ohhhhh, got the past thread update from the merged thread. My advice still stands--just wanted to change the wording to reflect guy/guy dating. But yeah it's the same. Don't let him take you for granted. Show him what you are worth. Since he is also not afraid to speak up really quickly and sometimes show insecurity, make yourself clear when you decline invites or are staying firm as to what the reason is (not another guy, just busy yourself and don't want to be on the hook for maybe plans). Be firm. This one needs it! Good luck

[Cinnamonstix]

I agree with Versacehottie's advice.

 

Often times in relationships there is a bit of an imbalance. One is usually more of a "reacher" than the other. It seems that nearly since the beginning, you've been in the reaching position. This is why you feel needy and insecure. To correct this, you need to create balance by demonstrating your worth by not waiting around for his schedule to open up and doing your own thing, projecting confidence when you're together and ultimately not staying in a relationship if it continues to leave you unsatisfied and off balance.

[BilleRae]

thank you guys all so much. I can't seem to accept the fact that he might be too busy/if he truly wanted to he would hang out. Even though I know it's so true. My question is, it's been just barely 2 months (maybe a month and a half) this is why I feel as if maybe I should just wait to out a bit longer and just stop complaining. This early into it, I feel like i might be creating an issue when there doesn't need to be one.

[Cinnamonstix]

thank you guys all so much. I can't seem to accept the fact that he might be too busy/if he truly wanted to he would hang out. Even though I know it's so true. My question is, it's been just barely 2 months (maybe a month and a half) this is why I feel as if maybe I should just wait to out a bit longer and just stop complaining. This early into it, I feel like i might be creating an issue when there doesn't need to be one.

 

I'm giving him a bit of leeway and suggesting changes you can make only because it's early on. However, if this continues, forget about why things are the way they are. Only ask yourself if this relationship is making you happy and if you are getting what you need. You will never look more attractive than when you walk away from bad treatment.

 

By the way, a "great catch" includes being a great boyfriend who makes you feel safe and secure.

[Versacehottie]

thank you guys all so much. I can't seem to accept the fact that he might be too busy/if he truly wanted to he would hang out. Even though I know it's so true. My question is, it's been just barely 2 months (maybe a month and a half) this is why I feel as if maybe I should just wait to out a bit longer and just stop complaining. This early into it, I feel like i might be creating an issue when there doesn't need to be one.

 

I can't accept it either. Lol. So you need to set up a pattern of mutual respect and balance if you two are going to move forward. Not throw yourself down to get the bf. I don't think you are being unreasonable but yeah make sure that you keep that in check. What would be reasonable do you think to see each other a week at this stage? 1-2 times per week? What do you think would be reasonable to expect communication with him per week or per day? Come up with those answers for yourself, applicable to any guy. You shouldn't be that flexible in what you need to feel wanted and reassured only to get this guy. Whatever your standards are just imagine that they would apply to whoever. Come up with them and then somehow make sure he knows. Also stick to them. This one has a tendency to take advantage.

 

I mean he found the time to spend 3 solid days with you at the beginning, right? Do I need to go back and re-read that? I might need to but yeah. He makes effort when it suits him. At the very least, if now is truly a busy time for him work-wise, he should be communicating that to you so he doesn't lose YOU. He is not nervous about being needy with the stuff he has done. That just shows you he is comfortable speaking up. You should be too or it will be unbalanced and you won't get the relationship you want. I think you are posting because something doesn't sit entirely well with you. Get an unemotional read on what that is exactly and speak up. (i know that it can be hard but you also don't want to have any regrets of speaking to him when you are angry, super sad or whatever); just be reasonable, firm and clear.

 

Good luck

[katiegrl]

thank you guys all so much. I can't seem to accept the fact that he might be too busy/if he truly wanted to he would hang out. Even though I know it's so true. My question is, it's been just barely 2 months (maybe a month and a half) this is why I feel as if maybe I should just wait to out a bit longer and just stop complaining. This early into it, I feel like i might be creating an issue when there doesn't need to be one.

 

BillyRae, since he's been too busy in all his previous relationships and that's why they ended.... do you truly believe that he is gonna wake up one morn and suddenly become not busy?

 

He's NOT busy. That is an excuse to create distance.

 

Whether he has issues or just not interested, does it matter?

 

This is who he is. He needs space. He needs distance. LOTS of it.

 

Two months in is when you're both supposed to be super into each other. Wanting to spend lots of time together.

 

NOT creating distance and crying about it. Telling you to be patient? Patient for what? He's always been like this!

 

I don't mean to make make fun of his crying but it's so typical with guys like him. The crying, it's uncanny! Seriously.

 

I would seriously consider just throwing in the towel on this one.

 

It's only been two months, not much time really.

 

Move on and find a man so totally into you he can't wait to spend time with you!!

 

That would be the smart thing to do in my opinion.

 

Choose wisely from the get go!

 

Good luck....

Edited April 28, 2016 by katiegrl

[BilleRae]

Versacehottie and Katiegrl..thank you, both of your advice has given me a lot to think about. I hope you guys have a great day/evening/night depending on where you're located. Again, thanks so much

[BilleRae]

Since you've all given such great advice, I figured I'd update you guys.....

 

So things were going great, still busy but great. Monday (May 2) he sent the usual good morning text but this one had effort, "good morning, hope you have a great day. This week might be better suited for a hang out a much needed hangout." I was thrilled, finally he was making an effort to spend some time together. Tuesday was a busy day, as he had an event...he didn't text me until I texted him this morning with a "Hope you have a great day," which he replied to with a "hey, hope you have a nice mother's day." So after 4 days of no texting that's what he sent me.

 

I'm going with he's no longer interested and taking the hint, even with the "hang out" text on Monday. He obviously would make more time/an effort if he truly wanted this to work/grow. But why am I so upset over this? Like he clearly isn't experiencing those same feelings. What I dislike about this situation is the lack of closure. He didn't even say "hey sorry it's not working out, let's end it." He just faded out and gave me a generic "hey" text. This was his perfect opportunity after not texting for 4 days to end it. I mean he DOESN'T have to do anything/owe me anything but I guess since I'm an honest person (even when it's in not in the nicest way) I expect everyone to be the same I hate that this time around I allowed my emotions to get the best of me because now I'm just really bummed. :(