Insecurity........ How best to be an aid to an insecure person who shuts down

[spaceandcountry]

So I have been dating a girl now for the past 4 months. We have lots in common, common goals long term short term and interests.

 

 

She however is Very insecure.

 

 

I have done several hours reading about insecurity and how to help a person. I see lots of things listed that she does. Some examples of this are.... I tell her she is beautiful. Her reply is no I'm not. I tell her I love her, Her reply is to stop, don't say that. She repeatedly tells me she does not deserve me. I'm too good for her, She will not make me happy. I tell her when talking on the phone it is nice to hear her voice or when I see her in person it is nice to see her, and her reply is it is just a voice or it is just me.

 

 

She admits to being insecure, and admits that she needs help and should see a therapist. But also insists that she does not have time.

 

 

She is under a good bit of stress. She works a regular 9-5 job m-f. But also works a 2nd job as a waitress. She does the waitress job 3 nights a week plus sat and sun. She recently got a new part time waitress job that will be less demanding of her time. She will be able to quit the current more demanding one in 2 weeks, and is now training at the new one. So currently she is literally working 3 jobs, 7 days a week.

 

 

She is regularly tired, emotionally worn out and stressed. I continually via voice or text, send her messages of encouragement. I tell her that I care and that I'm here to support her. I remind her that I and her children lover her and appreciate her and are here for her..

 

 

She has Told me that she will push people away. I have experienced this several times now over the past 4 months. She will go completely dark. Like she is shutting down. I will get no response to text messages or phone calls. This can last up to week or more. The 1st time it happened, I thought she was moving on and was no longer interested. I have read this will happen in times of great stress. This has happened again this week, with her working the 3 jobs.

 

 

She has complained of not having time to cook, or clean, or pack a lunch. Because of her working the “3” jobs this week I knew she would be stressed and over whelmed. I took her Sunday night 5 lunches. Plus some other containers of food that she could re heat at night during the week. I have offered to help her clean and do laundry and such, but she refuses and says could could never let me help her. She says she has always had to do it her self and that will never change.

 

 

She will also say that people tell her how nice and kind she is, but claims that is not who she really is. That nobody knows who she really is. I do not believe this and feel this is an excuse.

 

 

She Shows lots of physical affection, but does not express in words. She says she is not a good communicator, and this I do see. She will on rare occasions tell me she appreciates my texts and my support. When I say Physical I'm refering to touching, holding hands and such. Not sex.

 

 

I know I read some insecure people can be clingy or controlling. I however have not seen either of these traits.

 

 

My question or piece of advice I'm looking for here is when she shuts down, and pushes me away what should I do? From what I have read, and if I understand it correctly I should NOT stop being supportive. Am I correct in this? Should I still continue to send her text messages of support? Still tell her I care? Should I possibly maybe send a snail mail letter telling her I care and support her. Or am I overwhelming her by doing this? She has told me in the past that I have done nothing wrong that it is all her.

 

 

I am hoping in a few weeks that once she is able to be done with the more demanding waitress job that she will feel less stressed. And will feel that she has time to see a therapist.

 

 

thanks for any and all input here.

[Buddhist]

Have you ever considered that your verbal style of communication is just uncomfortable to her and not her preferred method of communicating romantic feelings for you?

 

It seems to me from the OP that she prefers to show affection while you keep verbalising it. Understand that for someone who has a physical affection style constantly being barraged with verbal affirmations of love means nothing to them. And continued verbalisations can just become irritating after a while.

 

Why don't you stop trying to therapise her and just be in a relationship with her? She is probably constantly annoyed that you keep trying to fix her and keep showing her affection in ways she doesn't particularly enjoy or appreciate. Your entire post seems to be one massive projection that she is somehow broken and you are here to fix her. That's no way to conduct a relationship with anyone.

 

Why don't you try and show her affection physically, the way she does to you, and see if that changes anything. Right now she is probably going dark because of the looming realisation that you don't love in a way she understands and there is a huge gap there. I had a bf who was verbally affectionate and to be honest it drove me up the wall, because I am physically affectionate. My mental process went a bit like this.....words are cheap, anyone can throw them about, but when push comes to shove he is simply not around when I'd like him to be. Needless to say, I ended it.

[spaceandcountry]

That is a very insightful concept. I never thought of this. I too am affectionate physically in the ways described above, but I never thought that my verbally expressing my affections could do such a thing.

 

My question then would be is it ok to give encouraging texts during the day, like your doing a great job, stay strong and such, or is that also along the same thing? I'm guessing it would be along the same line.

 

I'm going to put this to some serious consideration.

 

thanks

[fitnessfan365]

My advice for what it's worth would be to stop smothering her and trying to save her. Don't get me wrong. Words of encouragement are great..once in awhile. But in the end, she has to deal with her own issues herself. The best thing you can do is just focus on spending time with her and being in the moment.

[hippychick3]

OP, honestly you sound like a really good guy. It sounds like to me that she does not appreciate or even want a good guy like you. My take on your situation is that she's trying to fade away on you, but you won't let her. No matter how stressed out and busy someone is, they don't disappear for a week. If she truly wanted you in her life, she'd be wanting and asking for your emotional support and all you have to give.

 

Believe her when she says she's not deserving of you.

[spaceandcountry]

Thanks for the replies. Maybe hippy chick is right. The only reason I doubt it is she says that she does not.

I know actions speak louder then words though.

 

Time will tell. I'm going to try to lay low and not pressure her.

[basil67]

Does she want your help and support? Be careful of pushing support where it's not wanted.

[spaceandcountry]

She Freely admits that she does not communicate well. Which does not help.

 

She has never directly asked for help. She will make comments as to how she wished she did have help, or that she has always done it alone and the is just how it is always going to be.

 

So maybe I have over stepped myself.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, be careful that you're not sacrificing your own needs while you try to support her. It's wonderful that you want to be there for her, so I applaud you for that. However, her disappearing for a week is not generally conducive to a healthy relationship. Is that behaviour okay for you?

 

I agree with the others that you need to take a step back. Be supportive but don't push it on her. See what she does with it.

 

Ultimately, only she can fix her problems with insecurity. You can be there as a soft place to land, but you cannot resolve these problems because you didn't cause them. She needs to do that. If she can't or won't, I would reconsider whether she's actually emotionally available enough to be in a relationship.

[spaceandcountry]

Thanks again for the advice. The general responses I have gotten on this are mostly along the same lines, Continue to be supportive. I can not solve her problems, only she can, if she is un willing to she is not a good choice, because she is not emotionally ready for a relationship.

 

I do agree not being talked to for a week is not acceptable to me. not at all. this is something that when she does start to talk to me again will be discussed.

 

My hope is that in a few weeks with the new job she will have some more time and will start to seek help. I know I cant make her do this though.

[Larryville]

Sounds familiar and is common. This is the perfect example of why understanding a person’s past is necessary in dealing with them in the present:

 

Someone I really cared for, finally got help and was diagnosed. I’ve read countless examples of similar situations here:

 

Reactive Attachment Disorder

Mental Health: Reactive Attachment Disorder

 

Just from OP points

 

*She however is Very insecure.

 

*I tell her she is beautiful. Her reply is no I'm not.

 

*I tell her I love her, Her reply is to stop, don't say that. She repeatedly tells me she does not deserve me.

 

*I'm too good for her,

 

*She will not make me happy.

 

*She is regularly tired,

 

*emotionally worn out and stressed.

 

*I remind her that I and her children lover her and appreciate her and are here for her..

 

*She has Told me that she will push people away.

 

*She will also say that people tell her how nice and kind she is, but claims that is not who she really is.

 

*She Shows lots of physical affection, but does not express in words.

 

Just a sidebar, for this disorder another key indicator is someone who is VERY sexual, but distant while engaging in sex.

 

*She says she is not a good communicator

 

Of course not trying to be an arm chair therapist but understanding her childhood, parental relationship is important (this goes for everyone tho)

 

But let me be clear and blunt, SHE MUST GET HELP, THERAPY if she does not, there will be NOTHING you can do to help her heal. This is NOT something that cures itself no matter how supportive you try to be.

 

Good Luck

[kendahke]

I have done several hours reading about insecurity and how to help a person. I see lots of things listed that she does. Some examples of this are.... I tell her she is beautiful. Her reply is no I'm not. I tell her I love her, Her reply is to stop, don't say that. She repeatedly tells me she does not deserve me. I'm too good for her, She will not make me happy. I tell her when talking on the phone it is nice to hear her voice or when I see her in person it is nice to see her, and her reply is it is just a voice or it is just me

 

She is an energy drain and you are her enabler. You seem to want so badly to be needed by her, but she doesn't sound like she's in the head space to accept anything of goodwill from you... it just goes down the drain never to be seen again. When someone tells you something about themselves--like "I will push you away", you need to believe them.

 

My question or piece of advice I'm looking for here is when she shuts down, and pushes me away what should I do?

 

Leave her alone.

 

From what I have read, and if I understand it correctly I should NOT stop being supportive. Am I correct in this? Should I still continue to send her text messages of support? Still tell her I care? Should I possibly maybe send a snail mail letter telling her I care and support her. Or am I overwhelming her by doing this? She has told me in the past that I have done nothing wrong that it is all her.

 

Leave her alone because what those articles are telling you is basically how to enable her behavior. If it is all her, then she knows it and has chosen to not make any changes.

 

Change is very easy to make. You do it, it's done. The decision to change is where people stick--because there is some payout to them for not making the decision to change. With some people, this is how they get attention--it's a form of "negging". They swat at you and swat at you, but you keep coming back because you think you can vanquish them and in doing so, you deepen your sexual attraction due to the challenge of trying to best them and win.

 

Some people are just natural energy drains and they will suck all the life and goodwill out of you into the bottomless pit of their drain. Read "The Celestine Prophecy" because it goes into detail about people who are energy drains.