tjk64 Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 Been dating a girl I met online about two months now. Things have been going pretty well but some of her behavior has me curious. For example, I noticed that if I text her she usually texts me back right away (like < 1 min) or not at all (this usually happens if shes out with friends or is busy, which is understandable). However, she rarely initiates conversations (she does maybe 10% of the time), so if it is one of those days she doesn't respond, I usually end up initiating another conversation the next day or so or I won't hear from her. This annoys me as it makes me look a bit needy and has me wondering how interested she really is. For example, we made plans earlier in the week to see a movie tomorrow. I text her this morning asking what movie she'd wanna see..no response (she did tell me that today was going to be a busy day for her). I'm fairly sure, based on her past behavior that I'm going to have to ask her again tomorrow or she won't ever answer...which is annoying, and she probably will get back to me Is this intentional on her part? As in, does she mean to make me keep reaching out to her in this way, or do you think she sees a text and forgets to respond if she gets busy? I'm just starting to get tired of it Link to post Share on other sites
EatYourVeggies Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 she rarely initiates conversations (she does maybe 10% of the time), so if it is one of those days she doesn't respond, I usually end up initiating another conversation the next day or so or I won't hear from her. This annoys me as it makes me look a bit needy. So stop doing it. If you have deemed this is bad behavior, don't reward it. Don't text back until you hear from her. Your last question, comment, etc. is right there for her to see / respond too, even the next day. You don't need to remind her. Is this intentional on her part? As in, does she mean to make me keep reaching out to her in this way, or do you think she sees a text and forgets to respond if she gets busy? I'm just starting to get tired of it Best to stay out of their heads and guess what something like this means. You will most likely guess wrong and drive yourself and them crazy in the process. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ThisisIt606 Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 If she doesn't answer something in regards to plans don't ask again. If she does think of texting you to confirm plans, she will see you already texted and have to respond to that. If she never responds she's just blowing you off and cross her off, move onto the next girl. Link to post Share on other sites
EatYourVeggies Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 She could be one of us who prefers to talk on the phone. Perhaps she trying not to reward what she deemed bad behavior from you (a texter). I know we aren't in vogue right now but there are still plenty of us out there. I'd give that a shot and see if you have better results. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tjk64 Posted February 28, 2016 Author Share Posted February 28, 2016 She did get back to me not too long after I wrote this...but she basically said "sorry I missed this I was busy all day" and didn't actually answer my question. She told me she doesn't like taliking on the phone that much Link to post Share on other sites
EatYourVeggies Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 (edited) I'm sure others here would advise against this... This early on when it comes to something like communication (too much / too little), sex, activity levels, shared interests, etc or really a whole host of things where we don't line up... I pull the ejection lever. Whether it's them who has issues with me or if I do with them. I'm not freaking married to the person and to me this is what dating is all about. To figure these sort of things out and most important of all to bail... Not try to fix them. Had to many wonderful relationships that lasted for many years where it started out (or really throughout it) and never seemed like job, work, I had to ask for anything, give up something, not be myself, etc. So I have zero desire in having conversations, debating and arguing about X, Y and Z this early on. If it's hard, seems like work or my simple / basic / normal needs are not met or I feel like I am negotiating them we simply aren't a good fit. Not interested in wasting 6 more months working / debating / fighting / arguing with some chick I just met. Not gonna do couples counseling, I'm not going to change and I don't want too and neither will they nor would I want them too either. That's how I think and why I would bail. But if you want to sit a girl down you have only known 2 months and want to invest more time into teaching her basic communication skills (when responding, at least answer your questions regarding important details regarding plans you are trying to make) and that you want more communication... Knock yourself out. Edited February 28, 2016 by EatYourVeggies 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Shanex Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 Usually it's guys that have to initiate contact, on dating sites or just plain texting. this was true for roughly half the women I dated. The other half I had to send the text first, and then the conversation was dull and distant. Most of the time the latter led to nothing whereas a woman who initiated contact was definitely interested and invested to some degree. Maybe its a generalization but it was my experience. I've also known for a while that someone who never ever ask you anything in text is most likely not interested and just killing time. Not saying its a game, but doing a monologue about the other person while she/he barely asks how you're doing or what you are up to is unsatisfying, and become quickly boring. Link to post Share on other sites
bu2002 Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 How are the other aspects of your relationship? Two months isn't a trivial amount of time and I would think feelings would be escalating and things getting more physical. Are you experiencing this? How do you feel when you're with her? Just trying to see if there's a root cause to all this. She sucks at communication. Not sure how that changes unless you talk to her about or just stop initiating altogether and seeing how she reacts. Link to post Share on other sites
EatYourVeggies Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 She sucks at communication. Not sure how that changes unless you talk to her about or just stop initiating altogether and seeing how she reacts. If you have to resort to games or sitting someone down to talk to them about being rude or sucking at something so basic like communicating within 2 months... You are just pushing rocks uphill. Imagine after the "honeymoon phase is over or better yet 7 years down the road. No thanks. How does that conversation even go without looking / feeling a total chump? I'd rather just get a new one where I don't have to do without or have retarded conversations like that. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 Her behavior isn't odd....she is not that interested. Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 Sounds to me like she told you she was busy and hoped you'd respect that and leave her be for a bit. Instead you went ahead and sent her a text about something which could have been agreed upon when you walked into the cinema. If she was busy she likely didn't have time to go checking all the listings and reading all the plot lines. It also sounds like she probably doesn't get many opportunities to initiate texts with you even if she wanted to. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 I'm sorry, but nobody is SO damned busy that they can't take 15 or 20 LOUSY seconds out of their day to acknowledge your message and answer you. Does she think she's the only busy person in the world or something? Stop catering to her and stop rewarding her luke-warm interest in you by always being the one to make things happen. I'd drop her ass. You're clearly NOT a priority to her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jabron1 Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 Been dating a girl I met online about two months now. Things have been going pretty well but some of her behavior has me curious. For example, I noticed that if I text her she usually texts me back right away (like < 1 min) or not at all (this usually happens if shes out with friends or is busy, which is understandable). However, she rarely initiates conversations (she does maybe 10% of the time), so if it is one of those days she doesn't respond, I usually end up initiating another conversation the next day or so or I won't hear from her. This annoys me as it makes me look a bit needy and has me wondering how interested she really is. For example, we made plans earlier in the week to see a movie tomorrow. I text her this morning asking what movie she'd wanna see..no response (she did tell me that today was going to be a busy day for her). I'm fairly sure, based on her past behavior that I'm going to have to ask her again tomorrow or she won't ever answer...which is annoying, and she probably will get back to me Is this intentional on her part? As in, does she mean to make me keep reaching out to her in this way, or do you think she sees a text and forgets to respond if she gets busy? I'm just starting to get tired of it I'm dealing with this same thing from a girl right now. When she wants me, there'll be a reply to my text in less than a minute (have no idea how that's even possible); when she doesn't, she simply doesn't reply. There are a few options for how to deal with this. The first, and most important, answer is that you should be spinning plates. One woman's interest shouldn't be such a big deal to you unless she is your girlfriend. Secondly, you can punish her by using a soft-next. Don't send or respond to a single text for 7 to 10 days. Only respond to phone calls, and even then don't ask her out. If she's really annoying you, or you feel that being with her is compromising your dignity, then you need to hard-next her. That means no more attention - ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tjk64 Posted February 28, 2016 Author Share Posted February 28, 2016 How are the other aspects of your relationship? Two months isn't a trivial amount of time and I would think feelings would be escalating and things getting more physical. Are you experiencing this? How do you feel when you're with her? Just trying to see if there's a root cause to all this. She sucks at communication. Not sure how that changes unless you talk to her about or just stop initiating altogether and seeing how she reacts. When I'm with her, things are usually pretty good. She seems genuinely interested and we always gave a good time. Two weeks ago I made her dinner for Valentine's Day and she loved it. Based on what others have said, I think I'm just going to leave her be for a while and see if she reaches out for once...it does seem like I'm not a priority. I should add, she's divorced (no kids) and was in an abusive marriage. Not sure if that explains much, if anything Link to post Share on other sites
Jabron1 Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 I should add, she's divorced (no kids) and was in an abusive marriage. Not sure if that explains much, if anything I think this says more about you than it does her. It sounds like you are at your wits end and trying to rationalise her low interest. A high interest woman does not blow hot and cold. She wouldn't risk losing you. You're a man; your attention is your currency. Like someone else said, you shouldn't reward behaviour that you don't like with your attention. If she is your girlfriend, I suggest that you have a talk with her. But, if she's not even your girlfriend, you should be approaching other women. Don't put all of your eggs in one low-interest basket. Link to post Share on other sites
EatYourVeggies Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 I should add, she's divorced (no kids) and was in an abusive marriage. Not sure if that explains much, if anything Not to say that people can't recover from a divorce or an abusive marriage / relationships BUT my buddies and I just never seemed to meet them. What we encountered instead... Paying for crimes we didn't commit. Make no mistake, she was all up her abusive exes ass and worpshiped the ground he walked on and never had issues communicating with him but you... You just have to take it cause that is what guys who don't treat her like crap do Even stranger, you will have other men and women (even on LS) who will tell you that you have to suffer cause she is owed it even though she stayed with the creep who abused her and even agreed to marry him. "Captain Save A Ho" gets treated worse then the dog crap you scrape off the bottom of your shoe and never ever gets the girl in the end. Regardless, you will see guys in spandex with a cap boldly rush in and try to rescue and fix these girls and do it again and again with girl after girl. Don't believe me, stick around and read the posts here. About every other one is from "Captain Save A Ho" and even though he got his ass handed to him by the last 7... He is certain the 8th (who is already treating like a chump) is going to be victorious. I honestly dont get it and have no idea what they get out of of it. I have just come to the conclusion they want to suffer and to be miserable. So yeah if I factor in how rude she is and her lack of communication skills and knowing she wouldn't dream of doing it with the abusive ahole she married before me... I would be gone. This is a job for "Captain Save A Ho" not a sane guy who has any self-respect, self-worth and values his happiness. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 Not to say that people can't recover from a divorce or an abusive marriage / relationships BUT my buddies and I just never seemed to meet them. What we encountered instead... Paying for crimes we didn't commit. Make no mistake, she was all up her abusive exes ass and worpshiped the ground he walked on and never had issues communicating with him but you... You just have to take it cause that is what guys who don't treat her like crap do Even stranger, you will have other men and women (even on LS) who will tell you that you have to suffer cause she is owed it even though she stayed with the creep who abused her and even agreed to marry him. "Captain Save A Ho" gets treated worse then the dog crap you scrape off the bottom of your shoe and never ever gets the girl in the end. Regardless, you will see guys in spandex with a cap boldly rush in and try to rescue and fix these girls and do it again and again with girl after girl. Don't believe me, stick around and read the posts here. About every other one is from "Captain Save A Ho" and even though he got his ass handed to him by the last 7... He is certain the 8th (who is already treating like a chump) is going to be victorious. I honestly dont get it and have no idea what they get out of of it. I have just come to the conclusion they want to suffer and to be miserable. Not sure I am happy with the term "Save a Ho", when you are talking about women who have been abused... Link to post Share on other sites
Author tjk64 Posted February 28, 2016 Author Share Posted February 28, 2016 Not sure I am happy with the term "Save a Ho", when you are talking about women who have been abused... Agreed. I only brought it up just for the fact that it might explain some of her issues but i might just be grasping at straws. She did tell me she was afraid of telling me about it because she thought she'd might scare me off.. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 Agreed. I only brought it up just for the fact that it might explain some of her issues but i might just be grasping at straws. She did tell me she was afraid of telling me about it because she thought she'd might scare me off.. It might do actually, being abused can affect future relationships in all sorts of different ways, depending on the abuse suffered and whether she has received counselling or not. Link to post Share on other sites
EatYourVeggies Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 She did tell me she was afraid of telling me about it because she thought she'd might scare me off.. And so it begins. You might have things withheld from you because like all other men, you don't really want her (or the real her) and will leave. Just one of the crimes you have to pay for which you didn't commit. Her ignoring simple questions and her lack of communication is another. You just haven't been told yet why you are being punished for it yet. If you stick around she will tell you and yes, guilt you about it too. Can you imagine if I told a girl within 2 months of dating and be very flaky about another girl I was in an abusive relationship and even choose to marry? Then had the audacity to tell her to her face she is to dumb not to run? Lol! Link to post Share on other sites
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