Need Dating

[DatingLo]

I was hoping to get advice about a girl I was dating and overall advice about dating. I am a very shy person, especially around girls, and until this year I made no effort to date women and avoided them alltogether. I'm 26, I've travelled alot and I have a great career.

The story with the girl I dated is as follows: I met the girl at the bar (I dont usually meet girls there). We clicked almost immediately. I flirted with her and she gave me a cheeky smile. She said that she thought my face was hot a couple of times during our conversation. We went to dance where she grabbed my arms and styled me. We also kissed and grinded on the dance floor. We were both pretty drunk so dont remember much more than that. She gave me her phone number and I contacted her the next day by text to arrange a date.

She ended up flaking, but then contacted me 1 month later to go on the date. She apologized for flaking and said that she thought she was going to get a job far away, but that she ended up getting one at home. She flirted with me by text and was thinking of doing new years with me. We didnt end up spending new years together but she texted me happy new years kiss at the time of new years. We went on a date in the new year. On the date I was overly nervous and did inexperienced things like failing to take the lead at certain times during date or failing to open the door for her. I also didn't respond to certain stuff she said like when she said it was her birthday 1month ago I kinda was just in my own mind and didnt wish her a happy birthday. I said a stupid insecure thing - I'm pretty shy but I hope I'm good enough for you. I also was too shy to flirt with her on the date. She asked if we should order a pitcher of beer on the date showing she clearly was interested (i had to say no because I was driving).

After the date was a disaster. We arranged a followup date but she cancelled because she said she had a car accident (but i suspect it was because I was relying too much on her to come up with a plan instead of taking the initiative and providing a clear and consistent date plan). I said im sorry to hear that hope you are ok. Then I was like do you want to rearrange the date. she said yes but didnt give a new plan. I got kind of got angry then when she didnt respond after 1day, and I pressed her so we then arranged a date that she cancelled because she said she just got out of a bad relationship and shes not ready to date. I made the mistake of not comforting her and saying That's fine, let me know when your ready to date and if you want to talk about stuff. I just got kind of angry and said I need to set boundaries, I need you to commit to the date if we revisit this. When we texted 1 week later she expressed anger at me for pressuring her so i apologized then we were back on good terms and we were arranging another date. She wanted the date to be in her area, but I kind of stupidly picked that was closer to her area than the initial date but not in it. Then she got angry and said it's not in her area. So I did a counter offer but it was a day and she didnt respond. So I just told her that im heartbroken trying to set up the date and her just ignoring me. Then she just cancelled it and said stop accusing me of being an awful person. She also said I'm nice in person but not in text. The last thing I told her was that I'm leaving her because I deserve alot better. I deserve a girl who will commit to the date, etc.

 

Is there still hope of dating this girl? I know she treated me pretty bad at times but I think I appeared too needy and didnt wait long enough for her to respond to me. She said she wasn't ready for a relationship the last time she flaked which could be true. I think I made alot of mistakes. But I think that we really clicked until we started to argue. I texted her this week after 3 weeks of no contact and said that I was at the place we met and I thought of her and I hope that shes doing good. But it's been 3 days and she hasn't responded so it's probably over . What would you suggest I do to get over her if it's a done deal? I feel like **** because this is the furthest I've gotten with a girl (she was my first kiss) and I thought she fit what I was looking for. Also, what would you suggest I do for my future dates to go better. I have never gotten any second dates. Are there any resources I should read or things I should do? Thanks so much.

Edited February 27, 2016 by DatingLo

[Robratory]

Hello, and welcome to Love Shack!

 

Please stop second-guessing yourself and concluding what you did wrong. You and this girl didn't connect, and that's all there is to it. It's nothing you did. When you connect with someone, you can puke in their shoes, and they will find it endearing. But when you don't connect, nothing you do is right. That's just how it goes. It's not that mistakes were made. You two just didn't connect.

 

As for this girl, well, yes, I suppose you'll have to forget about her. But if you start thinking about other girls, you won't miss her. I promise. Start pushing to come out of your shell and dating anything that smells nice. There aren't any book or resources, however. There are no tricks, no secret moves, no fail-safe tactics. All there is is male and female and life's imperative to connect. That urge you feel for a girlfriend? That's all there is, and to get there, just be your normal human self, with all your flaws, doubts and insecurities. You want someone to love the person you are, not the person you wish you were.

[Satu]

As stated above.

[smudge21]

You're currently going through the nasty on and off, back and forth thing that many people do when they simply don't know what they want. It's okay for people to be like that, but not when they drag others into their lives. One minute you feel great with this girl, everything seems to flow perfectly and you two seem so connected... then it'll all change and you'll be wondering if this is a different person all of a sudden. It can go on and on like that for as long as you allow it. The fact that you stood your ground and chose to walk away indicates you saw the problems and did something about it.

 

That said, you feel like there was so much you two could've done together and those good times keep running through your head. I've recently chatted to someone else on here about this short term loss thing, where a relationship barely has time to start and then it's over. You're left feeling as if you never had chance to really get going - it's like going to a theme park but leaving after only going on one ride.

 

Sadly, you can't force this to change. You can either go back and continue running at her pace, accepting the on and off attitude or you can stick to where you are now. If she's going to come back to you, that's upto her, but don't focus on it. Also don't focus on your negatives - yeah, maybe you made a few mistakes but so what. We're all human, we all screw up and guess what, we do it even more when we're trying not to with someone we really like. The point is, if someone is really into you, really likes you, then unless you're really messing up (setting fire to their grandmother maybe), they are going to forgive you and continue to want to be with you.

[DatingLo]

Thanks for the advice. I have lots to learn and it's harder for dates to match up if you are inexperienced, nervous, shy and insecure. It can be turnoff so that the date never really sees your true relaxed self and just makes a quick judgement call. I know there are things that I have to improve. I'm not very good at making friends and talking about stuff. There are some general things I have to work on. But you're right I didn't feel like she was completely in it on the first date (unlike the night we met) and even though it might be harder for me to find this dynamic it's essential.

 

That on off feeling you are describing is utterly horrible. For the first time I thought I had something genuine with an amazing girl as there was some degree of reciprocity but instead it was a rollercoaster of emotions for months and I played by her rulebook and she cancelled dates over and over. In my mind I really wanted to know the reason (which I likely never will) - was she with her ex, did she need to recover from her previous relationship first, was there somebody else, I know it really doesnt matter but I have no idea why she kept me hanging.

[smackie9]

First off don't meet and chat up women that are drunk. Most of the time it's false interest.

 

Second, keep you passive aggressive communication to yourself. Never "assume" they are treating you like crap because they haven't responded to you right away.

 

Being angry, and lashing out in text as she mentioned is terrible communication. You never express bitterly your disappointment....it's a total turn off.

 

I disagree with everyone here....this girl gave you all kinds of chances, but you got impatient/assumed the negative which led to her hesitation/uncertainty.

 

I get you want a gf/things to go as planned, etc, but that isn't how it works. You keep your cool at all times, go with the flow, and lower your expectations. Be relaxed and have a casual attitude towards dating.....you will get waaaaay better results.

[DatingLo]

I totally agree with you smackie. I got really attached to her too early and I expected her to respond right away and I got needlessly angry. So our conversations became really negative and about forgiving eachother rather and forced dates rather than flirty banter and meeting eachother on a positive note. I really screwed things up with miscommunication. It won't always be this attachment scenario after the first date, sometimes you have to go on a few. Sometimes when you really want something to work you do everything you can but if you pressure someone it has the opposite effect. I think it's beyond the point of fixing.