DoesntGetIt Posted February 27, 2016 Share Posted February 27, 2016 I had a relationship, for the second time, with this woman. It went poorly from the start. I was constantly sad, hurt, etc. because she just didn't treat me well, or at least I didn't think so. I tried to talk to her many times about it and typically she wouldn't say much or would just say that is just how she was. I posted about it in the past, this one is a good summary: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/562930-time-have-serious-talk-g-f#post6703037 So about 3 weeks ago I ended things. And I stalled all I could as we stood there talking, just hoping she would say that she didn't want this to end and would do things differently, even though she never changed major things she said she would in the past, I still wanted her to say it and I would have taken it. She didn't. So I ended it. About 15 minutes later she finally opened up about some of the things I said always bothered me and she never really gave me answers to. And she said it was because she thought I deserved to know, but still didn't say she wanted us to keep trying. A couple days later I talked to her about how it felt weird and how I always wanted it to work out with her and she had been the one I wanted. Asked how we were supposed to see each other date etc. She got mad at the fact that she shouldn't have to feel bad that us being done affected her less than it did me and said I'd date first anyway. So time ticked by, and we got along good as friends, something we both said we had wanted if things ever ended. And we got along really well, better than we had for months, but it was purely friends. No sexual tension, no flirting, just 100% friends. A couple of days ago I decided to finally give the other woman who's been wanting to get with me for a while a shot, both because she is sweet and great, and because honestly I wanted to feel cared about for the first time in months. I let the ex know this so she wouldn't find out from someone else, and I wanted to be open and direct. She got really upset, she teared up, she was mad I turned around so quickly and started dating. She commented on how we'd been getting along so well, so why would I do this. And on. I was shocked as she genuinely never seemed to want our relationship at all. She never once, literally never once, said she cared about me or even that she liked me. She is the one who didn't want to have sex for months, or even cuddle up/kiss etc. And here she was bothered that I started dating someone. She says she doesn't know what to do, or how to handle it. If she can even look at me anymore and how she doesn't like all of her insecurities being shoved in her face. I was confused as hell and tried talking about it and asked why she never said she wanted this, or why she never said she cared about me. She had no answer. But now she's hurt, our friendship may be over forever, and I feel like a giant *******. And I'm mad that I feel like an ******* because I don't feel like I did anything wrong and I feel like she is just ****ing with my emotions even more than she did in the past. I don't get why she is acting this way after acting like she didn't give a **** about me. Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted February 27, 2016 Share Posted February 27, 2016 Jealously is a powerful motivator. Even people who are perfectly reasonable and level headed are usually touched by it to some extent. This is why many people use it as a manipulation tool (not saying you did this by the way!) Its a mistake trying to be friends with a lover immediately after ending things. It almost never works. If you truly want to be friends, then you need to spend time apart to heel. And don't rub it in the nose of the person if you start dating others. It's not a good idea. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DoesntGetIt Posted February 27, 2016 Author Share Posted February 27, 2016 Jealously is a powerful motivator. Even people who are perfectly reasonable and level headed are usually touched by it to some extent. This is why many people use it as a manipulation tool (not saying you did this by the way!) Its a mistake trying to be friends with a lover immediately after ending things. It almost never works. If you truly want to be friends, then you need to spend time apart to heel. And don't rub it in the nose of the person if you start dating others. It's not a good idea. I agree. The reason for telling her about the new person wasn't to rub it in though. It is because she knows her, and we have mutual friends who know her. I didn't want her to have to hear it from someone else randomly. I thought that would be the right thing to do, but maybe not? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ferret Posted February 27, 2016 Share Posted February 27, 2016 "She lost her option" you were her fall back plan and when you decided to move on with your life she lost that security that's all..don't let her make you feel bad you did noting wrong keep dating the new women and set clear boundaries with the ex if she starts acting nutty cut her out of your life look forwards not backwards.. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted February 27, 2016 Share Posted February 27, 2016 I agree. The reason for telling her about the new person wasn't to rub it in though. It is because she knows her, and we have mutual friends who know her. I didn't want her to have to hear it from someone else randomly. I thought that would be the right thing to do, but maybe not? It kind of feels like the right thing to do. But I've found out from experience that it does not usually get perceived as such! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 27, 2016 Share Posted February 27, 2016 Her ego and control she thought she had over you got butt hurt. This is typical of abusers.....it's not her caring about you, it's about her realizing she doesn't have you under her thumb anymore. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 27, 2016 Share Posted February 27, 2016 Also another example of men and women can not be friends. The right way to break up is to go NC. Not lets still be friends and hang out, barf! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DoesntGetIt Posted February 27, 2016 Author Share Posted February 27, 2016 Also another example of men and women can not be friends. The right way to break up is to go NC. Not lets still be friends and hang out, barf! To be fair I'm friends with several other exs and we even discuss relationships together. It generally isn't as hard as people make it out to be if you and the other person were always civil to each other. And thank you to the other responses, I still feel bad but at least I'm telling myself it is her ego and not me. Link to post Share on other sites
Ferret Posted February 27, 2016 Share Posted February 27, 2016 To be fair I'm friends with several other exs and we even discuss relationships together. It generally isn't as hard as people make it out to be if you and the other person were always civil to each other. And thank you to the other responses, I still feel bad but at least I'm telling myself it is her ego and not me. Just a thought here but have you ever considered doing so might hinder chances at good future relationships? not everyone digs seeing so many exs in the mix of a perspective new partner.. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 27, 2016 Share Posted February 27, 2016 Look, she sounds like she either 1) isn't attracted to you or 2) just has intimacy problems in general. She hasn't given any indication she cares about you, really. And now she's mad because she can't just be selfish and have you on her own terms for whatever reason she wants you in a limited capacity. She enjoyed the power and control and knowing you were attracted to her gave her validation of her attractiveness. She is just behaving selfishly, and you will do well to put her behind you. You can't fix her. Link to post Share on other sites
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