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Trying to understand a Behavior Pattern in someone I was seeing


6Pack

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Hi All,

 

(Sorry in advance for a long post!!)

 

So, I recently stopped seeing someone that I had been seeing for about three months. I was the one who ended it, and I do not want this person back at this point, but I am wondering if anyone can give me any insight to the psychological motivations for the behaviors this person demonstrated during the time we dated?

 

Me: straight male, 43

Her: straight female, 43

 

-We met in November; things went really well for about 3 weeks. Amazing sex, great times hanging out, met her friends on Thanksgiving. Seems like a nice girl, professional, with same career as I.

 

-She has a group of about 10 close friends, most of them gay males, and 2 or 3 female friends.

 

-One night, we were out drinking, and decided to go to a club here in the town where we live, and as soon as we entered the club, her personality changed like a light switch. She suddenly turned into this obnoxious, crass person, ignoring me, rude, etc.

 

-We were dancing, and some guy tried dancing with her, and she started paying more attention to him. I started then flirting with other girls. She then started paying more attention to me. She asked me to get water for her, so I did, and on the way back, took a sip. This enraged her! She said she was leaving without me, so I said "Yeah, me too" and I left her there, got in my car and left. Went home, unfriended her from Social media. This could have all been a huge test, but this was "Strike 1", in my mind (I give girls three strikes and they are out).

 

-She called me the next morning, said she was drunk, etc. So I agreed, and decided to give it more chances, since the previous weeks were amazing. I just couldn't believe the weird personality transformation upon entering the nightclub; it was like she was in a trance, and acting super spoiled, obnoxious, etc. It was probably a mistake for me to give her another chance, but I wanted to think it was just the alcohol.

 

-Next couple weeks were great; more hanging out, great sex. But, I had scheduled a trip for Christmas for 10 days to my brother's house. During this time that I was gone, we texted a lot, but when I came back, things were awkward. I am not sure what happened during those 2 weeks, other than us being apart and killing the momentum we had.

 

-Soon after, she got really sick. Coughing, really bad strep, etc. I know for a fact she was sick (not faking it). But during this time, she started to get irritated with me. I don't think I was going overboard with anything; I was trying to help her, offering to help her if she needs it, etc.

 

-Jan 23 was my birthday. By this time, she was on antibiotics, and we went to a birthday dinner where she met my friends and then we went for drinks. We had already agreed there would be no sex that night, due to her having a yeast infection from the meds (gross, I know). But at my party, she started acting up again. She was drinking, and the drinking triggered the "party girl" vibe again with her. She basically tried to abandon me on my birthday party, to go party somewhere with my female friend that she had just met that night. My female friend had to leave just to get away from her. (this was strike 2 against her).

 

-We patched up from that, wanted to give her another chance (the alcohol that night, combined with her meds, may have triggered that). So a week or two went by.

 

-Last friday, she asked me what I was doing that weekend. I told her not much planned yet, she then told me that Friday night, there was one party she was going to, then Saturday afternoon, she was going to a museum with her gay friend, then saturday night, she is going to another party with the gay friends. She didn't really invite me to any of this;the implication I got was that these were things that she was doing, that she could not invite me to.

 

-So the next day on Facebook, I see all these things that she is doing, and she is really doing all of this with her gay friends. I have met these friends before. But what really got to me, was that she didn't invite me, nor did she indicate WHY she couldn't invite me. I then never heard from her saturday night at all.

 

-Sunday morning, I decided I had had enough; this was all Strike 3 against her. I texted her, and told her that I was done and moving on. She more or less said "Ok" and unfriended me from social media at that point.

 

My thoughts here, are that if I am seeing someone, that I means I like them, and want to spend time with them, and even though I don't expect to be invited to everything, I kinda want to do SOME stuff with her. But she didn't invite me to any of this, and when I asked her what she did after the party saturday night, she claimed she stayed over at the gay friend's house.

 

So here are my questions:

1. Why would she change personalities just by entering a night club?

2. Why be rude and hostile on my birthday? I get that she was recovering from being sick, but was it the alcohol/meds combo?

3. Why not invite me for all day saturday? (I know...first thing that comes to mind is the possibility of another guy, but I don't have any evidence to indicate this is a possibility at this time).

4. Is there some sort of psychological profile here with this person? Narcissist, commitment-phone, etc?

Edited by 6Pack
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Any thoughts or feedback from anyone? I know its a longer post; I was trying to keep it as concise as possible and without ranting.

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Any thoughts or feedback from anyone? I know its a longer post; I was trying to keep it as concise as possible and without ranting.

 

 

It doesn't matter what issue/condition she has, what matters is that she didn't make you happy. It is a waste of time and emotional energy to get inside the head of a person who treated you so poorly -- it's really dark in there.

Edited by Redhead14
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It doesn't matter what issue/condition she has, what matters is that she didn't make you happy. It is a waste of time and emotional energy to get inside the head of a person who treated you so poorly -- it's really dark in there.

 

I respectfully disagree. I think it's very important to figure out why the other person acts the way they do so it can be avoided in the future. Some men, like myself, continue to date and even marry girls who are just broken. It's a pattern. And if the op has a pattern, he needs to figure out everything to avoid the pattwern going forward.

 

Ultimately you are correct, she wasn't right and that's fine, but diving in to what makes these girls tick is the only key to success to avoiding it in the future. My life would be extremely different and better if I took these steps years ago.

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I'm curious if you ever had a conversation about the level of commitment each was on board with? Did you ever discuss what the expectations were? Did you convey you felt such and such at the night club and your party? Did you have an understanding/agreement about how much time each feels comfortable spending during any given week?

 

I'm getting a sense of resentment on your part and perhaps of acting out in ways that are covertly hostile. I'm wondering how much you communicated your discomfort and worked toward reaching an understanding so behaviors that were troubling you could have been dealt with openly and altered--or not.

 

just going on her social media then texting (:sick: ) that it's over was pretty rash. Ever hear the term that relationships take work? if you were really invested, you might have handled it differently by having an adult conversation about what was bothering you, what your deal breakers are and what you would like in the relationship.

 

so, I'm going to offer that instead of focusing on HER, you might take a look at you and what your motivations/intentions are.

Edited by SunnyWeather
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Thanks for the replies!

 

Yes, my theory is that she must be messed up in the head some how. And yes, trying to learn how to spot these people, so that I dont get too involved with them. It is a pattern, where I meet these weird girls.

 

This has happened multiple times over the years.

 

I am not sure they do all this on purpose or not, but its like they deploy a weird manipulation technique...being "normal" for a couple weeks, then becoming almost sinister (flirting with another guy, then raging at you for taking a sip of water) then being apologizing, normal again for a while, then going into another sinister 'mode' for a week or two, where they are unavailable and treat you like garbage...then back to normal sweet mode again, etc.

 

There is also this weird thing they have with their 'friends'. Its a weird obsession with their circle of friends. I like to call this, the "Pantheon of Super-Friends". What I mean by this, is they have this circle of friends, that they have an almost unhealthy level of obsession over....and you are never as good as the circle of friends. You may meet the friends, but you are never part of them. They hide behind this circle of friends, and are somehow protected by them. But not really physically, but more like, the friends protect her fragile ego, and are enablers in some way...even if the friends do not realize they are being used in this way.

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I have questions for you:

 

1) why didn't you right her off after her negative performance at the club?

 

2) why did you give her so many chances?

 

3) seriously was it because of the sex that made you stay?

 

4) Have you ever been married? lack dating experience?

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I'm curious if you ever had a conversation about the level of commitment each was on board with? Did you ever discuss what the expectations were? Did you convey you felt such and such at the night club and your party? Did you have an understanding/agreement about how much time each feels comfortable spending during any given week?

 

I'm getting a sense of resentment on your part and perhaps of acting out in ways that are covertly hostile. I'm wondering how much you communicated your discomfort and worked toward reaching an understanding so behaviors that were troubling you could have been dealt with openly and altered--or not.

 

just going on her social media then texting (:sick: ) that it's over was pretty rash. Ever hear the term that relationships take work? if you were really invested, you might have handled it differently by having an adult conversation about what was bothering you, what your deal breakers are and what you would like in the relationship.

 

so, I'm going to offer that instead of focusing on HER, you might take a look at you and what your motivations/intentions are.

 

Thank you for this feedback.

 

For me, I am very transparent, open communicator. Maybe even an over-communicator. But with her, one of the difficulties, was that she was not very good at communicating. She wasnt very open, and it was hard to get to know her. When I would make attempts to reveal things about me, she would cut me off mid-sentence with criticisms of who I am. It's liek she was blocking the ability for us to get to know each other.

 

Now, I am certainly not perfect myself, but I feel I do bring a lot to the table. I have worked though most of my own issues over the years (I have add and ocd), but other than that, I believe I am a genuine, open, honest guy, looking for a genuine, normal dating scenario. I have a great career, look good for my age, work out, go to bikram yoga, try to eat right; confident, but also humble. These were all things that appealed to her in the beginning, and I told her upfront that I am relationship oriented. She said she was as well, but I get the sense that she just wants her cake and eat it too (have me around as a BF on her terms when she wants it, but then wants to put me on the back burner when she is in the mood to be single). Its like a really over the top type of selfishness.

 

I am a little bit resentful, because I spent time/money with someone, who I ultimately felt was just playing games with me.

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I have questions for you:

 

1) why didn't you right her off after her negative performance at the club?

 

2) why did you give her so many chances?

 

3) seriously was it because of the sex that made you stay?

 

4) Have you ever been married? lack dating experience?

 

Great questions!

 

1. I initially wrote her off at the club. I left her there, got in my car, and went home. She was texting me the whole time, saying "can I please get my stuff from your car"? I said No, went home, and unfriended her from FB. I couldnt believe she thought she would get away with treating my like that. I couldnt believe this seemingly normal girl, would suddenly turn like that. The next morning, she called me and we talked; she said it was the alcohol. I dont recall her actually apologizing. But, since she seemed sincere, I gave her more chances.

 

2. I gave her chances, because I wanted to believe that she genuinely was the person that I got to know those first few weeks.

 

3. Yes, the great sex was part of it, but also, we do have a lot in common; common interests, same age, we both look good for our age, etc.

 

4. Neither her nor I have never been married. We both have a lot of dating experience. We both have been big partiers in the past. I have had multiple long-term relationships, but also lots of sex partners, despite the fact that I am relationship-oriented (this is very common here in Chicago; I feel there are a lot of commit-phobes in this town, they seem to be attracted to this city. You can "stay young" here forever, and never have to settle down, so you wind up with lots of sex partners over the years).

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These were all things that appealed to her in the beginning, and I told her upfront that I am relationship oriented. She said she was as well, but I get the sense that she just wants her cake and eat it too (have me around as a BF on her terms when she wants it, but then wants to put me on the back burner when she is in the mood to be single). Its like a really over the top type of selfishness.

 

I am a little bit resentful, because I spent time/money with someone, who I ultimately felt was just playing games with me.

 

My guess is that the primary thing that appealed to her was that she sensed your vulnerability. I am also guessing that she doesn't have the capacity to be other-focused or have object constancy. What seemed like good times was mirroring... giving what she sensed you needed as a means of securing attachment. Once the hook is set the antics and emotional manipulation begin.

 

In the beginning you were fresh supply; when you were no longer a challenge she needed a new source. She was deriving some masochistic pleasure from the passive aggressive routine and withholding what she knew you needed. Withholding after creating expectation provides ego-boosting attention as well. She needs fresh supply constantly, and ditching you at the club and inviting attention from other men was the ideal scenario.

 

This is typical of certain expressions of the cluster b disorders. Google histrionic personally and see if it fits. We don't have enough info to say this is what it is, but what you have given is consistent.

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Thank you for this feedback.

 

For me, I am very transparent, open communicator. Maybe even an over-communicator. But with her, one of the difficulties, was that she was not very good at communicating. She wasnt very open, and it was hard to get to know her. When I would make attempts to reveal things about me, she would cut me off mid-sentence with criticisms of who I am. It's liek she was blocking the ability for us to get to know each other.

 

Now, I am certainly not perfect myself, but I feel I do bring a lot to the table. I have worked though most of my own issues over the years (I have add and ocd), but other than that, I believe I am a genuine, open, honest guy, looking for a genuine, normal dating scenario. I have a great career, look good for my age, work out, go to bikram yoga, try to eat right; confident, but also humble. These were all things that appealed to her in the beginning, and I told her upfront that I am relationship oriented. She said she was as well, but I get the sense that she just wants her cake and eat it too (have me around as a BF on her terms when she wants it, but then wants to put me on the back burner when she is in the mood to be single). Its like a really over the top type of selfishness.

 

I am a little bit resentful, because I spent time/money with someone, who I ultimately felt was just playing games with me.

 

ya, that sux to feel like you were taken advantage of. I get the sense that a lot was not said so each is left to grumble their dissatisfaction to others rather than to each other or act out in destructive ways. perhaps she wanted things that way?

 

cutting you off and diverting a serious conversation was a huge red flag that in the beginning should have been addressed. I'm curious, what was she critical of?

 

having a 'sense' that she was playing you would've been something to say to her too. you could very well be correct in your intuition, or she could've been acting out bc she wasn't getting what she needed from you. But, we're just speculating now and really won't know because you severed things pretty rashly before a conversation was had...tell me again, what was wrong with her hanging out with her gay friends all weekend? maybe she didn't want you there, what's wrong with that again?

 

you felt left out? you wanted to be more included in her life? not a bad thing to want to take the relationship to a new level, but that might've been something to communicate rather than ex-communicate!

 

THe fact is, you stayed with her because she was hot, yet emotionally was stunted and perhaps, a wee bit more of a partier than you would like; not really what you are looking for, or is it?

 

next time, maybe personality, character and values-traits will factor more into your choice of who you spend your time with in cultivating a LTR.

 

btw: the '3-strikes' rule might not be serving you so well when you discover what your deal breakers are vs. what you can and cannot be flexible with.

 

i hope this helps. {{{hugs}}}

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It doesn't matter what issue/condition she has, what matters is that she didn't make you happy. It is a waste of time and emotional energy to get inside the head of a person who treated you so poorly -- it's really dark in there.

 

I agree, no need to analyze, one minute of this should have been enough.

"As soon as we entered the club, her personality changed like a light switch. She suddenly turned into this obnoxious, crass person, ignoring me, rude, etc."

 

Any massive and unexpected personality change for the worse, is a huge red flag.

 

"Amazing sex" granted her a pass, which was totally unwarranted, and despite the fact he ended it, she has now messed with his head enough, so that he is on here writing about her.

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-One night, we were out drinking, and decided to go to a club here in the town where we live, and as soon as we entered the club, her personality changed like a light switch. She suddenly turned into this obnoxious, crass person, ignoring me, rude, etc.

 

-She called me the next morning, said she was drunk, etc.

 

But at my party, she started acting up again. She was drinking, and the drinking triggered the "party girl" vibe again with her. She basically tried to abandon me on my birthday party, to go party somewhere with my female friend that she had just met that night. My female friend had to leave just to get away from her. (this was strike 2 against her).

 

Big, huge red flag---she can't handle her liquor and behaves abominably when she's "in her element". That there is enough to leave her blocked/unfriended/etc.

 

Onto your questions at the end:

So here are my questions:

1. Why would she change personalities just by entering a night club?

 

She was in her element--familiar territory and that is how she behaves when she gets drunk--she's an obnoxious drunk.

 

2. Why be rude and hostile on my birthday? I get that she was recovering from being sick, but was it the alcohol/meds combo?

 

Because she's an obnoxious drunk

 

3. Why not invite me for all day saturday? (I know...first thing that comes to mind is the possibility of another guy, but I don't have any evidence to indicate this is a possibility at this time).

 

That's a good question. I would guess that she didn't want you coming along.

 

4. Is there some sort of psychological profile here with this person? Narcissist, commitment-phone, etc?

 

No. Don't waste your time doing a post mortem on her. She's just an obnoxious, inconsiderate, boorish middle aged woman. Not exactly a prize.

 

You've dodged a bullet, my friend.

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I have questions for you:

 

1) why didn't you right her off after her negative performance at the club?

 

2) why did you give her so many chances?

 

3) seriously was it because of the sex that made you stay?

 

4) Have you ever been married? lack dating experience?

 

I'm of the same line of thinking here.

 

I understand the curiosity of other people's behavior, but in relationships its better to understand our own. Like why we put up with the things we do and leave the people that we leave.

 

In my 20s I had a girlfriend with a meanstreak, when we broke up it was clear to see several 'crossroads' were I made the choice to stay against better judgment. There was even a brief breakup after a particularly nasty outburst from her, but I took her back again. It was difficult to see this in the moment, but clear as rain after the fact. I refused to seriously date until I could understand what was happening in my own head.

 

I would suggest that you look inward on this. You were only dating 3 months, but she sent out red flags in the form or strange and hurtful behavior and you gave her multiple chances.

Edited by Wewon
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I agree with salparadise. She reeks of cluster B.

 

But I also agree that there isn't too much point spending time trying to figure her out.

 

Look to your own behaviour. Raging at you and subsequent behaviour in the nightclub...that would be me outta there. When she called to ask for her stuff, you should have given it to her. You probably ldidn't hoping things would be ok later.

 

You got too influenced by good sex to see her for what she was.

 

If this has happened before, then it sounds like you are attracting/approaching the wrong kind of women.

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-One night, we were out drinking, and decided to go to a club here in the town where we live, and as soon as we entered the club, her personality changed like a light switch. She suddenly turned into this obnoxious, crass person, ignoring me, rude, etc.

 

-We were dancing, and some guy tried dancing with her, and she started paying more attention to him. I started then flirting with other girls. She then started paying more attention to me. She asked me to get water for her, so I did, and on the way back, took a sip. This enraged her! She said she was leaving without me, so I said "Yeah, me too" and I left her there, got in my car and left. Went home, unfriended her from Social media. This could have all been a huge test, but this was "Strike 1", in my mind (I give girls three strikes and they are out).

 

-She called me the next morning, said she was drunk, etc. So I agreed, and decided to give it more chances, since the previous weeks were amazing. I just couldn't believe the weird personality transformation upon entering the nightclub; it was like she was in a trance, and acting super spoiled, obnoxious, etc. It was probably a mistake for me to give her another chance, but I wanted to think it was just the alcohol.

 

This first incident should have been a deal-breaker. I am not a fan of using alcohol as an excuse for bad behavior. If you can't handle your liquor, then don't drink. This is especially true at age 43. It's not like it was her first time drinking.

 

 

I'm of the same line of thinking here.

 

I understand the curiosity of other people's behavior, but in relationships its better to understand our own. Like why we put up with the things we do and leave the people that we leave.

 

This. So much this!

 

What strikes me more than anything else is that this is happening to you, an admitted serial dater with lots of dating experience, at age 43. If your goal is to find someone to commit to, you will need to understand and break your own bad dating habits.

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My guess is that the primary thing that appealed to her was that she sensed your vulnerability. I am also guessing that she doesn't have the capacity to be other-focused or have object constancy. What seemed like good times was mirroring... giving what she sensed you needed as a means of securing attachment. Once the hook is set the antics and emotional manipulation begin.

 

In the beginning you were fresh supply; when you were no longer a challenge she needed a new source. She was deriving some masochistic pleasure from the passive aggressive routine and withholding what she knew you needed. Withholding after creating expectation provides ego-boosting attention as well. She needs fresh supply constantly, and ditching you at the club and inviting attention from other men was the ideal scenario.

 

This is typical of certain expressions of the cluster b disorders. Google histrionic personally and see if it fits. We don't have enough info to say this is what it is, but what you have given is consistent.

 

Thank you for this info. I googled the condition, and some aspects do ring true with her. More than anything though, I think that she comes across as a "Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde" type. Im not sure if there is a disorder though, with this behavior.

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Tread Carefully

I think she thrives on drama and just got bored with you.

 

You're a 'normal' guy with no drama to feed her.

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Thank you for this info. I googled the condition, and some aspects do ring true with her. More than anything though, I think that she comes across as a "Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde" type. Im not sure if there is a disorder though, with this behavior.

 

That's also cluster B. Might have some bpd in the mix.

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That's also cluster B. Might have some bpd in the mix.

 

I think you are right!

 

Thank you everyone for the input! This was helpful insight. I have learned from this. I think in the future, I am going to be less tolerant to this type of abusive behavior.

 

Thanks again!

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She's immature, entitled and narcissistic.

 

YOU NAILED IT!

 

Now, I know not to let these type of people be abusive. Once someone reveals themselves to be like this, I will show them the door immediately.

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YOU NAILED IT!

 

Now, I know not to let these type of people be abusive. Once someone reveals themselves to be like this, I will show them the door immediately.

 

You'll find this policy maintains a peaceful head, home and heart.

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