Avoiding a communication catastrophe

[newheart]

Those of you who have read my posts know the background: me 39 w/ kids, him 42 no kids, both divorced, together 4.5 mos now. Me - anxious person, him secure. When we are together, everything is fantastic. (Scary good!) When we are apart, my anxiety issues kick in. We don't talk often on the days we don't see each other, which adds to my anxiety.

 

I am writing here to avoid creating a catastrophe, lol.

 

Wednesdays are our designated mid-week date night. I am sick (better now) but was sick enough for me to cancel Wednesday, which means pretty sick! However, I figured it was better to cancel since we had weekend plans that I wanted to be well for, and I didn't want to get him sick. Wednesday night we chatted on the phone briefly and we rescheduled to have dinner tonight. I went to bed about quarter to 9, woke up to see a text from him a little after 9 saying that he hopes I feel better soon and misses me.

 

Thursday morning, I text him back that I was sleeping, but it was a nice text to wake up to, ty. We texted back and forth a couple texts about how I was feeling, then he wrote:

 

"Meetings starting, will text you later...is you!" (Not sure what the "is you!" was, perhaps miss you)

 

I responded: "Is you??? lol ... okay, text me later!" That was 8:21 am.

 

He never texted back. Now again, we don't text all day/every day. But, really, would it have killed him to check in with me again later in the day, or even before bed? Ten seconds to see how I was feeling?

 

So, around 9:30 last night I sent him this text: "So, either you are still in a marathon meeting, or you forgot about me. Hopefully neither! Hope you had a good day. I am excited to see you tomorrow. Goodnight"

 

Okay, maybe I could have left out the part about forgetting about me, but I also want him to understand that I had an expectation and was disappointed while still trying to be playful. He didn't respond last night I figured he was sleeping and that I'd hear from him this morning when he got settled in at work. As expected, he did just text me: "Laundry, taxes, dogs ... I was already asleep when you texted me. Of course that means I woke up at 1. I hope you're feeling better." While I am not thrilled with this response, I did reply that was good and that I hoped he got a lot done, and was feeling better.

 

I am writing here to avoid further texting mistakes, lol. Because of my anxious attachment issues, it is difficult for me to communicate my needs effectively. In addition, I realize (as I said in another post) that some of my "needs" stem from my own insecurities, and I don't want to ruin a good thing by imposing this onto him. However, I don't think I am wrong in this situation.

 

I will see him tonight. If I address this, I need to be able to communicate that I am trying to adjust to infrequent communication while we are apart, but that I was disappointed since I expected to hear from him and I didn't. Am I being unreasonable again? How do you suggest I approach this, or do I not discuss it at all? I am in love with this man, and I am pretty sure he feels the same.

 

I know IF I discuss this, this warrants an in-person conversation, but on top of my own difficulties communicating, when I see him and he hugs me, everything goes away and seems wonderful, so I feel like an idiot even talking about it. Sigh. Or, is this still all on me and I shouldn't be talking about it?

[losangelena]

Hrm ... few things.

 

Since you know you have an anxious attachment style, you can understand that when you get like that, that it has less to do with him, and more to do with your own anxiety. You can't expect him to assuage that, that's work you have to do.

 

Now, that doesn't mean you can't vocalize a need or want for more consistent communication, or tell him that you were bummed about the fact that he SAID he'd text you later, and never did. There are better ways of getting your point across (in person, for starts), and not passive-agressively. Don't worry about doing it perfectly, but better to say something and have a conversation about it than suffer in silence.