joeland Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 If you had a bad day is it ok to vent to your significant other or should you keep it to yourself so you don't look like you are always mad or annoyed? Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 Depends on the form of the vent. "argh this has pissed me off today. Can I talk to you about it to get it off my chest" doing that then listening to them is apropriate. Going off on a verbal tirade and going over the top and directing it at your partner then ignoring them and not changing the subject to more pleasant ones is not. The key is not being mad all the time rather than pretending you are not. To learn to vent then let it go and enjoy being with your other half. If its that bad that you are constantly fuming then you need to find another job. Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 I think it's ok to talk about things that bothers you but in a way that it doesn't pass the negativity on to your partner. The negative emotions you're experiencing shouldnt become their negative emotions. Being with your partner is a better place and what use would it be if you bring along all the bad things and ruin it. Time together is time to forget all the unfairness in the world, so talk it out and go on to having good time together. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author joeland Posted February 25, 2016 Author Share Posted February 25, 2016 so vent just not scream or nything Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 If you had a bad day is it ok to vent to your significant other or should you keep it to yourself so you don't look like you are always mad or annoyed? I'd tell them "I had a really bad day and am not good company". If they want you to share, then that's your invitation to share. If they don't say that, then I wouldn't dump that on them. Depending upon the day they had, they might not be in the best frame of mind to hold your sanity while you give the insanity its head. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 If you had a bad day is it ok to vent to your significant other or should you keep it to yourself so you don't look like you are always mad or annoyed? My ex had quite a few very stressful days and would often come home and vent about it. I always listened and tried to empathize.... after which he felt better and we carried on with our night as usual. Of course it's okay to vent to your girlfriend/boyfriend. If you can't express your feelings/emotions (positive AND negative) to them....who can you express them to? Our significant others should be a source of emotional support. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wewon Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 Yes, its okay to vent, but be mindful that you are venting YOUR negative experience to another person. I find that a lot of people see "venting" as using their SO as the emotional version of a toilet. Be mindful of how much time you're using (listening to a marathon is exhausting), keep the venting coherent, not stream of consciousness that they can't follow so they feel as thought they're drowning in information. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Jabron1 Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 Women do not like men that complain a lot. It's a huge turn off to them. When I want a woman to moan at, I call my mum. I suggest you do the same. Link to post Share on other sites
deckard11 Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 I say just keep it to yourself. People don't care about each other anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
SunnyWeather Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 Yes, its okay to vent, but be mindful that you are venting YOUR negative experience to another person. I find that a lot of people see "venting" as using their SO as the emotional version of a toilet. Be mindful of how much time you're using (listening to a marathon is exhausting), keep the venting coherent, not stream of consciousness that they can't follow so they feel as thought they're drowning in information. this ^ and: it's important to be aware that continuous venting or 'dumping' starts to set up a therapist/client dynamic between the marriage partners, and is not a healthy dynamic if it's a chronic state Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 And I personally find that her venting may make HER feel better, but then I feel worse. If it involves her work, okay, but if it involves our kids, then it bothers me and I can't forget it. So, hypothetically, if she complains about little Johny being a poor worker, then I begin to think that either he is or at the least that SHE always thinks that he is. Then she wonders why I don't want him working for me. And if I complain about work too much, then she begins to worry that I may lose my job or leave, which makes her insecure about the future. Venting is okay, but if it makes you feel better and her worse, then don't. Find a friend that can be objective and not feel involved. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 Hey, OP, welcome to LS. How often would you say these 'bad days' occur. Pick the last month. How does it go for you? Back when I was married, I only shared a few particularly low and frustrating moments and kept most of my sadness and occasional anger, mostly while caregiving, inside. IME, this can be a double-edged sword, in that, if there is too much complaining, that's a turn-off; if there is too little, then it is unexpected and also a turnoff. Basically, what I learned is it's OK to cry at a funeral, preferably not one's own, and to keep everything else quiet. This kinda rubbed me the wrong way so I got divorced and am a lot happier now. Sure, there's no one to share 'stuff' with but also there's no one's 'stuff' to share either, which is a blessing for anyone with a caretaker personality. Link to post Share on other sites
spriggan2 Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 My thoughts. Find a balance between being so moody that your SO has to walk on eggshells when you vent, vs not being taken seriously. Find an appropriate balance between venting all the time vs keeping it in all the time. Find some other outlets to express your frustrations (playing piano for me is incredibly soothing, other friends who you can vent to, physical activities) that way you don't only have one focus when you're upset. Also it always helps when you can see the humor in your issues and make it funny. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 When we both get home from work, we talk or vent about our day for about 15 mins. After that it's beers and TV. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 Women do not like men that complain a lot. It's a huge turn off to them. When I want a woman to moan at, I call my mum. I suggest you do the same. I never minded when my bf vented or complained to me, never turned me off. Nor did HE mind when I did. We were each other's emotional support system, which IMO is how a good healthy mutually-rewarding balanced, happy and passionate should be. Sharing good times and bad.... positive feelings and negative. Like smackie said, 15 minutes to vent about your day (when necessary). If he had not felt he could vent with me.... THAT would upset me as it would indicate he didn't trust me with his feelings (in this case negative).... so I actually preferred it when he did.... made me feel good and needed.... and cherished. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 If you can't vent to your SO who else is there? Make sure it's not every day. Do give the other person a chance to complain too. Also make sure the person knows when you have good days too. Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 If you had a bad day is it ok to vent to your significant other or should you keep it to yourself so you don't look like you are always mad or annoyed? If your significant other can't handle the fact you have normal human emotions then you should be re-thinking the 'significant' part. Any relationship in which you have to censure yourself isn't one worth having. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jabron1 Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 I never minded when my bf vented or complained to me, never turned me off. Nor did HE mind when I did. We were each other's emotional support system, which IMO is how a good healthy mutually-rewarding balanced, happy and passionate should be. Sharing good times and bad.... positive feelings and negative. Like smackie said, 15 minutes to vent about your day (when necessary). If he had not felt he could vent with me.... THAT would upset me as it would indicate he didn't trust me with his feelings (in this case negative).... so I actually preferred it when he did.... made me feel good and needed.... and cherished. I don't think that complaining is very attractive - especially not for men. It certainly isn't something that I consider doing as routine around a girlfriend. Growing up, I never remember my Dad being negative, stroppy, or complaining around my mother. I don't see any of the men in my family acting this way tbh. I'm not saying never speak to your partner about your problems, just that constantly complaining is a turn off. Stuff like that can quickly turn into a bad habit. When I want a really good moan, I do it with mates, or I ring my mum. Link to post Share on other sites
Author joeland Posted February 26, 2016 Author Share Posted February 26, 2016 Well i vented the other night and I caught myself wondering if it made me look bad Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 Yes it's absolutely ok to vent to your partner. There is a difference between venting and using them as a shrink on whom you shed all of your life frustrations. You have to find a balance. Example if someone cuts me off, gets my order wrong, if I lose data and I have to do the same job twice - type of thing I will have a 3 minute vent about it. The big stuff like ongoing conflicts at work, family discords, grudge towards friends and colleagues, that stuff I keep to myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Larryville Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 Yes, its okay to vent, but be mindful that you are venting YOUR negative experience to another person. I find that a lot of people see "venting" as using their SO as the emotional version of a toilet. In the early stages of “dating” 3 women who worked in education 2 elementary school teachers and 1 elementary school principal ALL would constantly talk about how screwed up their students were and the principal told me about several seriously screwed up student behaviors one time went into tears about it, days later lost it in a restaurant after finding out a former co-worker dies. 1 constantly talked about how screwed up her boss was. Keep in mind almost all started venting in the very early stages of getting to know each other. For some reason with me I have heard some amazing stuff and frankly I knew these women and several others told me stuff I know they did not tell close friends or family. Why the above quote rings so true.I don't mind hearing and listening but eventually it will get old if there is not balance. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 (edited) I don't think that complaining is very attractive - especially not for men. It certainly isn't something that I consider doing as routine around a girlfriend. Growing up, I never remember my Dad being negative, stroppy, or complaining around my mother. I don't see any of the men in my family acting this way tbh. I'm not saying never speak to your partner about your problems, just that constantly complaining is a turn off. Stuff like that can quickly turn into a bad habit. When I want a really good moan, I do it with mates, or I ring my mum. I hear ya ...my dad was the same too. Never ever heard him complain, moan, whine etc. Men have been taught to always be strong, never show weakness, essentially renounce their own emotional needs.... and "take care* of the woman. I loved my dad a lot, but boy did I watch him suffer emotionally. He worked too much, drank too much, etc. Was forced to repress his emotions and paid the price. He divorced my mom and eventually married a woman with whom he felt safe and not harshly judged for opening up emotionally. Not excessively so ... but no more suppressing negative emotions. And wow, what a transformation! Being able to vent in a safe environment resulted in him becoming closer with me and all my siblings (eight of us including step kids), and having a beautiful close caring mutually-rewarding relationship and marriage to my stepmom. Which he did NOT have with my mom. It was the happiest time in his life, and he finally felt at peace emotionally and otherwise. He died last year in a tragic accident.....rest in peace dad. Suit yourself Jabron, but I for one werlcome all emotional expression from my boyfriend (s). It makes me happy to provide emotional support....if doing so makes you uncomfortable or makes you feel less of a man, so be it. Again, I am not talking *excessive* whining, crying, complaining. Because yes that would be too much and a turn off. For men too when women do the same! But coming home from a stressful day and wanting to talk about it for a few minutes? Bring it on!!! Edited February 26, 2016 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 (edited) Also wanted to add that what I discussed in previous post is within the context of a committed LTR. In the early stages of dating, best to keep negative emotions to yourself. Women should too! Until such time trust is developed. ...on both sides! Edited February 26, 2016 by katiegrl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted February 27, 2016 Share Posted February 27, 2016 Also wanted to add that what I discussed in previous post is within the context of a committed LTR. In the early stages of dating, best to keep negative emotions to yourself. Women should too! Until such time trust is developed. ...on both sides! 100% whenever a woman i've only been out with once or twice starts with this kind of stuff I immediately wonder if she actually likes me or is just looking for an emotional tampon. I loose interest because I can't imagine a woman who doesn't want to scare me off unloading like that. Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted February 27, 2016 Share Posted February 27, 2016 I'm not saying never speak to your partner about your problems, just that constantly complaining is a turn off. Stuff like that can quickly turn into a bad habit. When I want a really good moan, I do it with mates, or I ring my mum. I think that's the key. If you become the kind of negative guy that complains every day when he gets home, she is going to start dreading your appearance because you will bring her down. If it's an occasional problem then it might be good, she might even like that you open up to her. Personally, for the more generally moany stuff I might have I prefer a pint with my mates. My mum wouldn't want to hear about it! Link to post Share on other sites
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