Date has never flown... or really been anywhere

[jdubinva]

I went out on a date with a woman that I had connected with on the phone and we met last night for dinner. One of the things she said is that she's never flown or been outside of the east coast. I'm kind of adventurous and thought that at 39 it was a little unusual. Also, she's never been married and no kids. She is smart although a little introverted, cute and kind of fun. I was trying not to be judgmental but in the back of mind I'm thinking, what a hermit. Do you all think I'm being overly harsh in my assessment.

[soleilesquire]

Yes I think you are.

[losangelena]

Maybe a little bit. I grew up in rural Oregon, and know quite a few people who have never ventured much past central Idaho.

 

Also, FWIW, my ex, who's from India, is actually pretty provincial, despite having had a lot of travel experience. Go figure.

[SwordofFlame]

As not being a well traveled person myself. (I've only been around the country from coast to coast.) I would certainly hope my date wouldn't judge me for it. I'm certainly open to travel more.

[jdubinva]

I want someone that is up for trips and doing fun things. She has a masters in Psychology so is not stupid. I thought we had more in common but after talking at dinner and visiting her house I think she's content with her close by family and her dog.

[RecentChange]

I wouldn't be too judgey.

 

I really enjoy traveling, been all over the US, even have lived abroad before. But I also know many people that haven't traveled much. Sometimes its is a lack of desire too... but often its a lack of opportunities etc.

 

Thinking of my cousin. Smart girl, well educated, great career - never been past the Mississippi. Growing up family never had the funds to travel, and constant responsibilities made it hard for her to ever travel much. Plus, its not a top priority for her.

 

Now, I have also met people from my area, that have hardly left their neighborhood! One had NEVER been to the beach, or seen the ocean, despite the fact it was just a 40 min drive away. I was mind blown! I couldn't deal with someone like that...

[Jejangles]

I think only you can decide if it's a deal breaker... It kind of is for me. I have done a ton of travel (lived abroad for a few years, backpacked for 5 months, etc) and I am always more interested in others who have done at least some travel. I just find we have a more similar worldview and also that I wouldn't have to hold their hand or lead the way if we did travel together.

 

It's not set in stone or anything, but it is a preference. The same way I would struggle with a non adventurous eater as I love different types of cuisine.

[jdubinva]

I guess it's not all about the traveling but I really like to. She did tell me on the phone that she's kind of introverted and I'm more of an extrovert and she said that would probably be a good thing - to balance things out. I really didn't know how introverted she was until the date. And then that threw me for a loop because I love road trips, visiting different places and experiencing the world. We're probably not a good connection.

Edited February 25, 2016 by jdubinva
typo

[katiegrl]

I guess it's not all about the traveling but I really like to. She did tell me on the phone that she's kind of introverted and I'm more of an extrovert and she said that would probably be a good thing - to balance things out. I really didn't know how introverted she was until the date. And then that threw me for a loop because I love road trips, visiting different places and experiencing the world. We're probably not a good connection.

 

Maybe she would too....but never had the opportunity?

 

And by the way, how old are you and have you ever been married?

 

How do you feel about this girl? Do you feel chemistry with her.... do feel any sort of an emotional connection?

 

Sounds like you're looking for an excuse to end it.

Edited February 25, 2016 by katiegrl

[jdubinva]

I'm 46 and she's 39 and I have been married. Yes, I'm attracted to her - or I wouldn't even be bringing this up.

As far as resources to travel - as I said - she has a masters and is employed. Her dad is a lawyer so I don't think they're lacking in being ABLE to travel or do fun things.

Our phone conversations were great but I just thought she was kind of boring in person although very attractive. And she did invite me back to her house after dinner so there was some mutual physical connection. It was a PG rated visit, which was fine.

I did think she spent too much time talking about her dog on the phone in each conversation but I chalked that up to nerves - plus I have one so it was an easy topic.

Don't think this is worth pursuing.

[angel.eyes]

To each his own. My boyfriend has lived in the same county his entire life. I've lived all over the globe. One of the things I find most attractive about him is the fact that he has deep, stable roots where he lives.

 

He's always been up for any adventure or out-there experience I suggest, but then again I didn't pre-judge him the way you are your date after a couple of surface conversations. You seem fairly parochial and narrow-minded in your thinking. Just because someone hasn't done something yet, doesn't mean they wouldn't leap at an opportunity to do so.

[d0nnivain]

You were bitten by the travel bug. If it's something she has never done, think about how much fun you can have introducing her to the world. If she refuses to go with you, then you know you are incompatible.

 

DH & I hadn't really been that many places so now we travel together.

[jdubinva]

To each his own. My boyfriend has lived in the same county his entire life. I've lived all over the globe. One of the things I find most attractive about him is the fact that he has deep, stable roots where he lives.

 

He's always been up for any adventure or out-there experience I suggest, but then again I didn't pre-judge him the way you are your date after a couple of surface conversations. You seem fairly parochial and narrow-minded in your thinking. Just because someone hasn't done something yet, doesn't mean they wouldn't leap at an opportunity to do so.

 

She's 39... if not by now, when.

[jdubinva]

Maybe she would too....but never had the opportunity?

 

And by the way, how old are you and have you ever been married?

 

How do you feel about this girl? Do you feel chemistry with her.... do feel any sort of an emotional connection?

 

Sounds like you're looking for an excuse to end it.

 

As far the marriage thing goes, my ex wife does stand up comedy on the side from her daily grind. It came up once in a conversation and I think that's what led her to say she's introverted. As if I had expected that from everyone. The meet proved it to be true. Physical intimacy only goes so far in a lasting relationship.

[Chris2016]

Can you try to find out why? If you're interested in finding out. Without I guess making her feel bad, since your thinking she's a hermit.

 

Maybe someone can chime in on how to do that?

[Zapbasket]

She's 39... if not by now, when.

 

I think you're using the "she hasn't traveled" complaint as an excuse when the real issue is that overall you found her boring. That right there is the deal-breaker, not whether she has traveled or how much or where.

 

I've learned over the years that you have to expand the definition of "travel." Travel to new countries, etc. doesn't necessarily open a person's mind by definition; for that to happen, they have to have a mind that is already primed for being open. It's a characterological trait. I've known many people who are very proud of all their travels, but it proved a superficial bragging right when in fact they were very provincial people, set in their beliefs and ways and frankly, boring to be around. Beyond where a person has gone geographically, "travel" can also mean what someone has done, or where someone has been intellectually, or what kinds of experiences they have gone THROUGH. Likewise, being rooted in one place doesn't mean someone is ignorant, or unaware; perhaps that one place provided kinds of experiences (socially, climate-wise, type of geography, politically) against which the person had to hone her critical-thinking skills, self-awareness, humility, and openness to other people's differences. THESE traits are what make a person interesting.

 

You are not into her because she doesn't interest you. I am sure that if she had an amazing and interesting mind, or a captivating je ne sais quoi, her lack of travel wouldn't matter a whit to you, if you aren't a superficial and boring person yourself.

[thecrucible]

I think GreenCove is probably right. There may be other reasons she doesn't appeal and the travel aspect is only part of it.

 

Personally lack of travel would be a turn off for me since I'm European and it would be really surprising to me if someone hadn't been abroad since it is cheap to do so these days. I've lost count but been to about 17 countries in Europe over my lifetime. Saying that, it's more the thirst for knowledge and exploration which appeals to me about new places - I'm not someone who turns up at a place and spends most time on the beach and so that type of person wouldn't appeal to me so much, although there is nothing intrinsically wrong with that. Anyway I digress. But I see what you are getting that - imo travel broadens the mind and if it's a passion for you, it's one you may want to share with a partner.

 

It really depends on how important it is to you. But if she wants to travel but never had the chance, maybe you can travel together? I don't see how you can rule her out yet as long as you have plenty of other topics to discuss.

[carhill]

OP, sounds like she's a pretty content homebody who has a comfort zone and hasn't ventured much out of it in life. If you're looking for something long-term, my take as an old guy is that folks are pretty settled in their ways by that age and likely won't change much and that's just fine. Either you accept her as she is, in the now, or move on. If this is a transient social milieu, then enjoy the now and do your own traveling.

 

I did a lot of solo travel in my 30's and, fortunately, the lady I married enjoyed it as well. She might have not liked much about me when we divorced but she did lament a time or two since that she definitely missed her 'travel buddy', as she put it. That's how it goes!

 

If it flows, go. Otherwise, not.

[jdubinva]

I think you're using the "she hasn't traveled" complaint as an excuse when the real issue is that overall you found her boring. That right there is the deal-breaker, not whether she has traveled or how much or where.

 

I've learned over the years that you have to expand the definition of "travel." Travel to new countries, etc. doesn't necessarily open a person's mind by definition; for that to happen, they have to have a mind that is already primed for being open. It's a characterological trait. I've known many people who are very proud of all their travels, but it proved a superficial bragging right when in fact they were very provincial people, set in their beliefs and ways and frankly, boring to be around. Beyond where a person has gone geographically, "travel" can also mean what someone has done, or where someone has been intellectually, or what kinds of experiences they have gone THROUGH. Likewise, being rooted in one place doesn't mean someone is ignorant, or unaware; perhaps that one place provided kinds of experiences (socially, climate-wise, type of geography, politically) against which the person had to hone her critical-thinking skills, self-awareness, humility, and openness to other people's differences. THESE traits are what make a person interesting.

 

You are not into her because she doesn't interest you. I am sure that if she had an amazing and interesting mind, or a captivating je ne sais quoi[/I], her lack of travel wouldn't matter a whit to you, if you aren't a superficial and boring person yourself.

 

That is one of my favorite sayings as far as what attracts two people to each other. I'm looking for that but I'm also looking for someone that I share common interests with. We watched the movie Once and she didn't get into it - that is not a dealbreaker but it's not a painful movie to watch.

[jdubinva]

I think GreenCove is probably right. There may be other reasons she doesn't appeal and the travel aspect is only part of it.

 

Personally lack of travel would be a turn off for me since I'm European and it would be really surprising to me if someone hadn't been abroad since it is cheap to do so these days. I've lost count but been to about 17 countries in Europe over my lifetime. Saying that, it's more the thirst for knowledge and exploration which appeals to me about new places - I'm not someone who turns up at a place and spends most time on the beach and so that type of person wouldn't appeal to me so much, although there is nothing intrinsically wrong with that. Anyway I digress. But I see what you are getting that - imo travel broadens the mind and if it's a passion for you, it's one you may want to share with a partner.

 

It really depends on how important it is to you. But if she wants to travel but never had the chance, maybe you can travel together? I don't see how you can rule her out yet as long as you have plenty of other topics to discuss.

 

Her dog, who is great, but she talks about him endlessly and he seems to be her life outside of work.

[katiegrl]

Her dog, who is great, but she talks about him endlessly and he seems to be her life outside of work.

 

Do her a favor, and stop seeing her.

 

You're just not into her ...nothing wrong with that....or HER.

 

All this nit-picking about travel, her dog, come on.

 

Just move on.

[RRM321]

Flaying and travel are as much economic as anything else. Not everyone can afford to see the world.

 

Also, not everyone cares to see the world. I've traveled but frankly, no matter where I go - there I am. Changing the scenery doesn't change my life in ways that matter to me. I live where I do because I love it here.

[jdubinva]

Flaying and travel are as much economic as anything else. Not everyone can afford to see the world.

 

Also, not everyone cares to see the world. I've traveled but frankly, no matter where I go - there I am. Changing the scenery doesn't change my life in ways that matter to me. I live where I do because I love it here.

 

I am not even talking about world travel. Some of my best experiences in life have been on adventures within the states with girlfriends and my ex wife - love the Southwest and then also Seattle and that area - and for someone to not want to open their horizons is kind of sad in a way. Maybe I am making too big of a deal out of it but that's how I feel. Sooo.. as pretty as she is it probably won't work. To have to sit there and talk about flying for many minutes and what's it like on a first date was silly. Just have never run into that.

[MissBee]

I went out on a date with a woman that I had connected with on the phone and we met last night for dinner. One of the things she said is that she's never flown or been outside of the east coast. I'm kind of adventurous and thought that at 39 it was a little unusual. Also, she's never been married and no kids. She is smart although a little introverted, cute and kind of fun. I was trying not to be judgmental but in the back of mind I'm thinking, what a hermit. Do you all think I'm being overly harsh in my assessment.

 

I don't think it's judgmental so much as this is one of those things that may signal mismatch.

 

For me, most of my friends are international, i.e. they're from another country and reside in the US now (like me), or they are simply here for school and go back home often. But basically, all my friends, even the American ones are well traveled and more than traveling for vacation, most of my friends have lived in other countries and most of us speak more than one language so they are very culturally diverse and just very interesting people with a range of experiences to draw on because of it. So this is what is simply the norm among the people I know. It makes your perspective on the world just vastly different and more open and I do think whether or not you like to travel is also very much an orientation in the world, which is why it can be a deal breaker as I think those who care about seeing the world are a different type of person than those who have no desire for it. I usually find men who have lived elsewhere or at least who travel we tend to have more in common and our ideas about the world tend to be more similar, our goals, our views...we also tend to have similar types of schooling, education or careers, all things which make you more compatible.

 

In any case, if you like her otherwise, see how it goes, see if she is open to it etc. For me, simply based on my career, my friendship and social circle, the type of men I like it's probably highly unlikely that I'd end up with a man who had never left the county or worse state....and yes I would also be surprised if I met a man who said this, but I'd be open to learning more and seeing if this was the sign of greater incompatibility or just a small thing that could be remedied.

Edited February 25, 2016 by MissBee

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I went out on a date with a woman that I had connected with on the phone and we met last night for dinner. One of the things she said is that she's never flown or been outside of the east coast. I'm kind of adventurous and thought that at 39 it was a little unusual. Also, she's never been married and no kids. She is smart although a little introverted, cute and kind of fun. I was trying not to be judgmental but in the back of mind I'm thinking, what a hermit. Do you all think I'm being overly harsh in my assessment.

 

 

 

Yes!

 

 

Since you don't offer much specific data about her... we are left to imagine the scores and scores and scores of people who live on the east coast (of America???)... and the astronomical chance that some of them have never flown before (gasp!).

 

I mean, firstly, you can cover several states in a few hours back there... secondly, there are zillions of people and zillions of interests along many of those would-be routes. So why the heck would this lady need to have seen Wyoming in the face of all that?

 

 

So it's no big deal without you giving us far more data...