GF mad because no BD present.

[Protec]

So i am dating this 32 yr old single mother. She had a birthday at 17th, i had mine at 3rd.

 

Now my GF is now complaning that i am not romantic etc. since i had no present for her. I suck at buying presents.

 

I won't say i have been busy. But i just don't want to get some crappy stuff for her that i know she won't need. I don't want to buy her a movie (bluray / dvd).

I have no idea about her size so clothes are out and i will not get a gift card.

 

I wanted to take her out for a nice restaurant on her birthday, but i was late at work and after that i had to drive my father home so i had no time to go home and even go to shower or change clothes when i went to her place.

So i just got her some good redwine and bunch of roses.

 

Apparently she wanted more.

 

She baked me a batman cake and offered me a movie in cinema. I was satisfied with that. And now she said she also had a gift for me but was waiting to give it to me...

 

Are gifts really that important? I was so happy about that cake and movie. I was able to spend a nice day with my GF.

 

Unfortunately i cannot bake a cake and NO i will not try.

 

I feel bad now that she thinks i am not romantic and i think only about me.

And we went on a cruise ship between our birthdays!

[JamesM]

Gifts are important because what you give her shows how much you think of her and how much you observe her.

 

Getting one woman roses and wine might be perfect, but for your gf this is not who she is.

 

In order to get the right gift for her, you would need to know her dislikes and likes. This shows that you care enough to listen to her and watch her.

 

What she wants is something special and different that is "custom made" for her.

[Protec]

I want to get her something special...something that means something. Not a movie, not a book, not kitchen appliances. I am financially in a bad situation right now so i cannot get her any expensive jewellery. I would love to get her a necklace or earrings.

 

I love her and now i feel bad for all this...

 

I could make her a song...i make music. But maybe that is not something she would appreciate.

[JamesM]

It is not about the dollar amount. A batman cake? lol That would be totally not me yet for you it must have applied.

 

Recently for VDay I got my wife a perfume. It wasn't expensive but she loved it. Why? Because it was one that she wanted. It showed that I actually listened to her.

 

If she dumps you over this, then your relationship wasn't strong. My guess is that she is hurt more than anything else. She feels that you didn't care about her enough to find something special for her.

[d0nnivain]

You got her wine & flowers. That is a nice gift. What did she want? It's not like you ignored the occasion.

 

I think what you offered was lovey & romantic. She may have unreasonable expectations.

[introverted1]

I want to get her something special...something that means something. Not a movie, not a book, not kitchen appliances. I am financially in a bad situation right now so i cannot get her any expensive jewellery. I would love to get her a necklace or earrings.

 

I love her and now i feel bad for all this...

 

I could make her a song...i make music. But maybe that is not something she would appreciate.

 

I think a song sounds great, although it would have been even better had you done it straight out of the gate. If she doesn't like it, well, then that is something good to know, yes? A song is giving her a piece of yourself.

[JamesM]

You got her wine & flowers. That is a nice gift. What did she want? It's not like you ignored the occasion.

 

I think what you offered was lovey & romantic. She may have unreasonable expectations.

 

Some women would have loved it. She may have thought that it didn't take much thought because maybe SHE doesn't really like red roses.

 

That is what makes dating so hard.

[Protec]

It is not about the dollar amount. A batman cake? lol That would be totally not me yet for you it must have applied.

 

Recently for VDay I got my wife a perfume. It wasn't expensive but she loved it. Why? Because it was one that she wanted. It showed that I actually listened to her.

 

If she dumps you over this, then your relationship wasn't strong. My guess is that she is hurt more than anything else. She feels that you didn't care about her enough to find something special for her.

 

Perfume would be good...but she has so special taste in scents. I am afraid i will get wrong one. Since she likes various scents and i cannot remember the names of those.

 

And funny she said at the cruise ship "you get yourself a nice perfume so that could be my present at the same time, best gift you can give me is that you smell nice". She said that. I bought my self a perfume i was running out of. So now i smell nice.

 

She has dated some wealthier guys in her past... unfortunately i've been unemployed for 2 years (i have a 3 month job now). So i really cant get anything expensive...

 

I feel stress. I feel so much stress over this. This reminds me about my ex relationship. I feel like ia m mentally abused again. "if you don't get me a present you don't love me and you're not romantic!"

 

One weekend i took her to birdwatching tower, we sat in the tower, eating sandwich. That was romantic, to me.

 

Oh and for the valentines day we were at cruise. And she said to me "this trip has brought us closer". Well, she seems to forget stuff pretty quickly.

 

I did not expect this to come up. I am super stressed right now.

Edited February 23, 2016 by Protec

[introverted1]

You got her wine & flowers. That is a nice gift. What did she want? It's not like you ignored the occasion.

 

I think what you offered was lovey & romantic. She may have unreasonable expectations.

 

Well, in fairness to the gf, this may not be what she likes. It doesn't necessarily mean she wanted something more expensive, but maybe something less generic (unless, of course, she is a flowers + wine fan, in which case this would be great).

 

She made him a batman cake which I'm assuming means he really likes batman. I'm guessing she would have enjoyed something similarly personal from him. Again, not necessarily something expensive, but something that tapped into who she is.

[d0nnivain]

Let go of the stress. When you bought the wine & roses did you do it thinking she'd like it? If so, be true to yourself. She has no right to be ungrateful. Especially if she is aware that you'd been unemployed & only recently started working, the problem lies with her not you. Cut yourself a break.

 

 

However if you know in your heart that the wine & roses were more like consolations & you got her them just to get something do make more of an effort but stop stressing.

 

Look at it this way, if she were to break up with you because she didn't like the birthday gift you gave her, doesn't that make her a shallow materialistic person?

[Protec]

She's used eating in fancy restaurants etc.

 

I haven't even been in a fancy restaurant. Normal yeah, but not in one with a dresscode.

 

I really really do like her...and about creativity. I can't force it out. I wish i could have written her a nice poem, or made that song. But my mind has been pretty empty lately, even my own music projects are standing still at the moment.

 

And she likes wines yes. I got her the best wine she likes, so yes, i thought about her. I admit the roses and wine were "last resort". But at least i got her some nice wine i knew she likes.

 

I've been almost every day at her place, and now that my job started, i've not been able to be with her so much, maybe that is why she acts like this. It has happened every time we have been apart. Every time she starts acting up.

 

And she made me the batman cake because i said as a joke "make me a batman cake!". And i loved it. I've never been so happy. But she has not said anything...at least i cannot remember. A jigsaw puzzle ...made from our picture..hmm. Would that be nice? She loves jigsaw puzzles.

 

I took a nice picture of her in a snowstorm so i could make that as a jigsaw puzzle. Or from picture where 2 of us are together....

 

Also i've been looking into wall pictures. I asked her "do you like scenery images?" as i thought i found a nice picture she could put on her wall. But she said "no". So atleast i tried

Edited February 23, 2016 by Protec

[Protec]

I took this picture of her (a snow picture, only her back shows) : Imgur: The most awesome images on the Internet

 

I think that is a pretty darn good picture so i thought that would make a nice picture on the wall...but maybe it's too sad so maybe something more happy? I know she loves roses. So maybe a rose painting?

[strow]

Flowers are usually dirt cheap in the grocery store. Cards are cheap at discount stores.

 

You don't want to buy her a card? It doesn't matter what you want.

 

It's about HER not you, it's HER birthday, not YOURS. Buy her a freaking card, girls love cards.

[LostOnes05]

You could have bought her an at-home spa set and a nice robe with a note in the pocket of the robe saying something like, "Can't wait to see this on you...so I can take it off". But every woman is different...some love flowers, some hate them. Take her out shopping one day so you can gauge the types of perfume she likes. You can even ask if you like a particular perfume she is wearing and go from there. Also depends on how long you've been dating though too. Don't want to overdo it too early in the relationship.

[smackie9]

Dude, you can never go wrong with jewelry........something with her birthstone.

[scooby-philly]

You got her wine & flowers. That is a nice gift. What did she want? It's not like you ignored the occasion.

 

I think what you offered was lovey & romantic. She may have unreasonable expectations.

 

Ok - so some people gave great advice so far. @d0nnivain - yours was not reasonable. Yes, it's easy to look at the situation and say she wanted something unreasonable - but that's not what the situation here implies.

 

We all want to be recognized for who we are, and want to be with someone who loves us for who we are, what we like etc. The batman cake is a perfect example. I don't know if it fit him. I will say sometimes people will go to elaborate ends or buy expensive things THINKING it suits the person, but it may not be the "best" gift they could have gotten.

 

I'll give two examples from my own life.

 

One Christmas when I was 23/24 my HS/College friends decided to do a polyanna to help save money instead of buying everyone gifts. Who got me - my best friend. I mean I'd go onto be the best man at his wedding 5 years later. You know what he got me? A case of miller lite? Seriously? We're not friends anymore - not because of that - but it was like - we've been friends since grade school, good friends since HS, best friends since college and he gets me a case of miller lite. I don't even drink a lot - not even back then. I mean if it was a case of specialty beer or a mix pack from a small, regional brewery I couldn't get in my area - that would be appropriate - I love good beer - but that just showed either how little he knew me or how little he cared.

 

I was dating a woman for 1 year. I made the mistake of paying for a trip to her home country without listening to my head and my family that we weren't compatible and she was bat **** crazy. (you can look at my postings). I paid for the flights, paid for the hotel. On the way back we did a 12 hour lay over in Paris. Neither of us had been there before. She had a cousin who lived there and could pick us up from the airport and then spend the day driving us around - nice gesture on his part. Anyway, that day we flew (from SE Asia) to paris and did the layover, and then flew home to the States was my birthday. Do you know what she got me for my birthday? Nothing. Not even a goddamn card - when I threw her and one of her children a birthday party 2 months before - cooked, cleaned, invited people, bought stuff, etc. And her excuse? She didn't know? Like - you've lived here for 8+ years, you got me a card for Christmas and even a present, but you can't plan enough or even admit you're so self-centered that you didn't think to get me anything? I would have hated it if she bought me something expensive - but a card and a book would have sufficed if it was done with love.

 

That's what counts OP - do what you do out of love. If you know her, listen to her, and love her - what you get her will be beautiful in her eyes.

[Maggie4]

Don't stress. You two have a lot of good things going on.

But now the wine has been consumed, the roses have wilted, and you are not around because of work. She looks around and has nothing. Doesn't have to be greatest BD present ever. Just get her something small and lasting. Maybe a scarf to keep her warm?

One time a bf got me a flashlight for my birthday. It's great, I still have it.

[thecrucible]

It may not be the gift itself. It may be her perception of the amount of thought you put into it. You can just explain to her that you are planning a surprise (you don't even have to know what it is yet) and you always want to get her something she really likes and you think about it a lot (which you clearly do).

 

I like Maggie4's idea about something permanent. For instance my friends' partners have got them a pandora bracelet and every so often they buy a new charm for it as a gift. You could also just go shopping, let her see something she likes and get it for her. It doesn't even have to be anything particularly expensive.

 

I also think she shouldn't heap such expectations on you because it seems to be making you feel under a bit of pressure. Personally I would seriously love it if a guy bought me anything that showed he had thought about me. On of my exes once brought me a shell back from a beach where he traveled and he took a photo of me on holiday with him, and got someone to take a photograph of him holding that photo of me on a beach at sunset (I think his mum gave him that idea. It was totally sweet). You may come up with something cool if you use your imagination.

[basil67]

Interesting that you reject clothing and books. Surely you know that her size is written on the tags of her current clothes? And even if you can't manage that, there are plenty of clothes which are sized small, medium and large. Honestly, rejecting clothes because you don't know her size just sounds like a lazy excuse.

 

As for the books - if she enjoys reading, then she'd probably love a book. Putting thought into a book shows great deal of thinking about her and what she likes. Does she have favourite authors who have books which she hasn't read yet? Or a new author in a genre she enjoys? (The book seller can help you) What about non-fiction on a topic she enjoys reading about?

 

You don't need to spend a lot of money - she just wants a thoughtful gift.

[Gaeta]

I wanted to take her out for a nice restaurant on her birthday, but i was late at work and after that i had to drive my father home so i had no time to go home and even go to shower or change clothes when i went to her place.

 

What hurts her is that you didn't put any thought or minimal organization into his. You had plenty of time to think about what to get her, you didn't start dating her yesterday.

 

This above tells me you were lazy and at the very last minute decided you could take her out for dinner but didn't put up much of a fight to make it happen.

 

Next time get organize ahead of time. You have 1 year now to make her next birthday right. Get ideas, make a plan, make reservations.

 

You didn't need her size to buy her nice gloves and a scarf. You could have gotten her beauty products, or fancy soaps and spa products. You could also come on here and ask us ideas. But you didn't. You were too busy 'not being busy'.

[Protec]

I did not get bd card from her.

 

Anyway i don't want to buy clothes because she has quite expensive taste. Dolce gabbana, Tommy Hilfiger..guess, you name it. I just don't have that kind of money to buy her over 100 euro shirt.

 

She does not even respond to my messages anymore.

I sent her good morning. So this I it?

 

I don't want love to be something I need to buy from other person.

I feel now I have to spend lots of money or else she does not like me.

 

I feel bad not having her a present but I will get her one once I figure it out what to give.

Also she does not read books.

 

Maybe I jut get her one of those designer glass items. She likes them.

 

I am so stressed out I could not even sleep. I feel horrible.

 

I am a person who does not need items to be happy.

 

I have known her for about 2 months now and she even dumped me once at

New years eve because she took her ex back for a day and then dumped him and wanted to be with me again.

[MidwestUSA]

You know, if I truly cared about a guy who wasn't doing all that well financially, had just came back from a cruise with me, and had managed to scrounge up wine/roses, I'd give him a pass on my birthday.

 

What's enough? It's just material goods.

 

I'd take into account that he was thrilled with a Batman cake, and realize our love languages are different.

 

Unemployment is stressful, I know, OP. My husband and I are dealing with it now. Sounds like this girl is playing passive/aggressive with what she wants, and is spoiled.

[anika99]

"She baked me a batman cake and offered me a movie in cinema. I was satisfied with that. And now she said she also had a gift for me but was waiting to give it to me..."

 

Oh she bought you a gift for your birthday which was on the third but she was waiting to give it to you? What was she waiting for? She is lying, she never bought you any gift. She is just trying to ramp up the guilt trip she is laying on you.

 

And now she is ignoring you? I think good riddance. You have only been dating her for 2 months. You barely know each other and I think a bottle of wine and flowers is appropriate for someone you have have only known for 2 months. I think she has a certain ideal that has little to do with who you are. She is expecting too much too soon and the fact that she is playing games with you by lying about this supposed gift she got you and now ignoring you should make you take another look at her and who she is. You are still in the phase of getting to know each other and she just told you a lot about herself. Time to move on.

[MidwestUSA]

I was just going to add this to my post:

 

 

Hmmm, just read that it's only been two months. AND about the NYEve incident. Let THAT guy buy her a gift.

 

But Anika nailed it for me. Yea, she doesn't have a gift that she's sitting on.

 

Good riddance!

[salparadise]

Dude, Midwest and Anika got it right in the last posts. This woman has an unbelievable entitlement mentality. Wine and roses meets the minimum requirement for having been thoughtful- they are gifts.

 

Someone who has this attitude that your gift needs to meet high standards and overblown expectations, esp.at two months dating, is someone who will have you constantly on edge trying keep them happy. That is NOT a dynamic you want to engage. In fact, I'd say that under the circumstances the wine and roses were perfect- it caused her to reveal who she is... a non-reciprocal, self-focused ****.

 

Saying she has a present for you and is holding it back is laughable. Throwing you over to shtup her ex-bf on New Year's and then coming back the day after is eh, well, humiliating (why did you take her back?). And now she's giving you the silent treatment over the b-day BS... if you act quickly you could be the dumper rather than the dumpee.