Would this make you uncomfortable or come across as " clingy"?

[upnorth]

I posted a thread last month about an older gentleman I spend time with ( 34, 55)...started out as casual hook ups, he dissapeared for a month ( november), started hooking up again, he put an abrupt end to the sexual part of it. We started spending more time together though, just talking and getting to know each other outside the bedroom. At least once a week, but I would 2-3 times a week on average.

 

He talks a lot about future activities such as taking me out to the garage where he and his buddies store their cars and says things like " you could ride with me this summer when I show it", and mentions fixing things around my house when it gets warm and blah blah.

 

Anyhow...last weekend I was over visiting and he attempted to get physical...I said " I thought you didn't want this?" And he gave me a big speech about how he genuinely cared for me and liked me, but the age bothers him, he's trying to work through it. We did end up together that night, and then subsequently spent the next day, valentine's day together.

 

We spent Monday evening together, then another sleepover wednesday night/ part of day together on Thursday. ..we were intimate each time.

 

I had gotten to a point because of the time frame thinking it was all platonic that I didn't think about texting or what not, but you know it goes. I hadn't heard from yesterday so I texted asking how he was and he replied " so freaking sick". I replied " oh no what's wrong?" Then radio silence.

 

Which brings us to today...his band is playing tonight and one of my girlfriends wants to go...it's how I met him, albeit it was his other band playing at a place I go to regularly. My gf and I quite often go out to see music, and have gone to see this band play before, but with all the hot and cold behaviour, and the fact that I see how he pulls back after we spend some intense time together....would it freak him out if I showed up tonight? I would likely know people in the crowd, and would be going if it wasn't for the fact he was playing...so I don't know exactly how to handle this one , as I would like this where it is, enjoying each others company without freaking each other out.

[d0nnivain]

I would give him a heads up that you & your friend planned to show up to see his band. I wouldn't just show up. If you get anything other than an enthusiastic response I'd cut him out of your life.

[upnorth]

Well the answer was " well then come on down" and he then proceeded to text with me until he played...I ended up staying in due to gf having a sick child ( which I also told him) and woke up to a text saying he hoped I had a good night.

 

I also replaced my phone today and lost my contacts...so he will have to text again in order for us to touch base, so out of my hands.

 

I'm not sure how to handle it from here if he does...I do think I've put up with some behaviours that some women would not have, but I do enjoy his company, and I do live in a very small town and wanted to keep the bridge socially..I had thought it had turned into a platonic friendship and was okay with that.

 

I've seen his behaviours towards me do a 180 over the past couple of months..I don't know, can the way a man views a woman change?

[Popsicle]

Some guys like to sabotage things when they feel insecure, and make you break up with them. That's what I think he is doing.

 

I would just move on and let him go. I doubt this behavior will change. And yes go to the concert, but don't go for him, go to have fun with others.

Edited February 21, 2016 by Popsicle

[Versacehottie]

oh I wish I had seen this yesterday! I absolutely wouldn't have gone or contacted him under those circumstances. He is acting lukewarm and uninterested! Is it right that he is the one who is 55? If so, he really should have his sh*t together by now! Even if he says come on down, take that with a grain of salt. I think he does that because he doesn't dislike you. But the point is for any sort of relationship where you are going to feel good about your investment, he would need to be making EFFORT. He doesn't seem to be.

 

IMO, you have much bigger problems!! You lost all your contacts!!! OMG that's a pure tragedy. Ok, kidding but not kidding. Seems like fate is stepping in and taking over. Obviously the next move is his. Make sure he puts in some effort. If you aren't interested in casual, I think now would be as good a time as any to tell him so. There's in no point in operating under false pretenses because you will only hurt yourself and have regrets. Good luck

[Redhead14]

I posted a thread last month about an older gentleman I spend time with ( 34, 55)...started out as casual hook ups, he dissapeared for a month ( november), started hooking up again, he put an abrupt end to the sexual part of it. We started spending more time together though, just talking and getting to know each other outside the bedroom. At least once a week, but I would 2-3 times a week on average.

 

He talks a lot about future activities such as taking me out to the garage where he and his buddies store their cars and says things like " you could ride with me this summer when I show it", and mentions fixing things around my house when it gets warm and blah blah.

 

Anyhow...last weekend I was over visiting and he attempted to get physical...I said " I thought you didn't want this?" And he gave me a big speech about how he genuinely cared for me and liked me, but the age bothers him, he's trying to work through it. We did end up together that night, and then subsequently spent the next day, valentine's day together.

 

We spent Monday evening together, then another sleepover wednesday night/ part of day together on Thursday. ..we were intimate each time.

 

I had gotten to a point because of the time frame thinking it was all platonic that I didn't think about texting or what not, but you know it goes. I hadn't heard from yesterday so I texted asking how he was and he replied " so freaking sick". I replied " oh no what's wrong?" Then radio silence.

 

Which brings us to today...his band is playing tonight and one of my girlfriends wants to go...it's how I met him, albeit it was his other band playing at a place I go to regularly. My gf and I quite often go out to see music, and have gone to see this band play before, but with all the hot and cold behaviour, and the fact that I see how he pulls back after we spend some intense time together....would it freak him out if I showed up tonight? I would likely know people in the crowd, and would be going if it wasn't for the fact he was playing...so I don't know exactly how to handle this one , as I would like this where it is, enjoying each others company without freaking each other out.

 

I am going to give you the possible "down low" on this situation. Given his age and his behavior, he is exhibiting traits of the quintessential emotionally unavailable man.

 

he put an abrupt end to the sexual part of it

he pulls back after we spend some intense time together.

 

A man of his age who does this multiple times, is unable to handle closeness. He wants it, but he cannot handle it. It takes a very secure, independent woman who doesn't need much of, if any, emotional support from a man. If she isn't completely secure in herself, she lives a very lonely, unsatisfied life with him. He wants and needs the comfort/company of a woman, but only on his terms. If you do have a "relationship" with him (and I use the term loosely here), he will more or less disappear often -- when he is stressed or overwhelmed by anything.

 

" so freaking sick". I replied " oh no what's wrong?" Then radio silence. -- they don't want anyone to worry about them or try to nurture them. He told you he was sick to keep you at bay.

 

Tread lightly here. Radar up.

[upnorth]

I actually thought the same thing about him being ill..however, he invited me over this evening, and his neighbour stopped by with some food and made a comment about he sick he was the other day.

 

I agree however, about the unavailable part. He does do things that indicate he is interested, such as I asked him to get together after not seeing each other for a week and he said " let me check if I have plans"..later that evening I was showing him how to do something in his phone and I saw a text he had sent cancelling his plans with a lame excuse, and this is not during a period we were having sex.

 

I've noticed one thing, he is much more affectionate and seems more at ease around me if there's something he can "help" me with ie car stuff, or whatever.

 

Nothing physical this evening, he mentioned he's stressed out but didn't elaborate.

 

I think this is purely a situation where like someone else said, he doesn't dislike me, and to be honest, I think he's confused about how he feels about me. Which does not mean his behaviours will change, so the most that will come from this is some great sex on the odd occasion while I'm single.

[xcupid]

Does it really matter if you freak him out by going? Sounds to me like he has commitment issues. Be careful.

[Redhead14]

I actually thought the same thing about him being ill..however, he invited me over this evening, and his neighbour stopped by with some food and made a comment about he sick he was the other day.

 

I agree however, about the unavailable part. He does do things that indicate he is interested, such as I asked him to get together after not seeing each other for a week and he said " let me check if I have plans"..later that evening I was showing him how to do something in his phone and I saw a text he had sent cancelling his plans with a lame excuse, and this is not during a period we were having sex.

 

I've noticed one thing, he is much more affectionate and seems more at ease around me if there's something he can "help" me with ie car stuff, or whatever.

 

Nothing physical this evening, he mentioned he's stressed out but didn't elaborate.

 

I think this is purely a situation where like someone else said, he doesn't dislike me, and to be honest, I think he's confused about how he feels about me. Which does not mean his behaviours will change, so the most that will come from this is some great sex on the odd occasion while I'm single.

 

Hey, he's not some evil guy. He's just giving "Scotty all he's got". He's not a bad man, he would be a nice guy to hang out with, but that's all it would be -- hanging out. If you want a guy who is "all in", he's not the one. He would be a good back burner guy for you though

[Redhead14]

I actually thought the same thing about him being ill..however, he invited me over this evening, and his neighbour stopped by with some food and made a comment about he sick he was the other day.

 

I agree however, about the unavailable part. He does do things that indicate he is interested, such as I asked him to get together after not seeing each other for a week and he said " let me check if I have plans"..later that evening I was showing him how to do something in his phone and I saw a text he had sent cancelling his plans with a lame excuse, and this is not during a period we were having sex.

 

I've noticed one thing, he is much more affectionate and seems more at ease around me if there's something he can "help" me with ie car stuff, or whatever.

 

Nothing physical this evening, he mentioned he's stressed out but didn't elaborate.

 

I think this is purely a situation where like someone else said, he doesn't dislike me, and to be honest, I think he's confused about how he feels about me. Which does not mean his behaviours will change, so the most that will come from this is some great sex on the odd occasion while I'm single.

 

more affectionate and seems more at ease around me if there's something he can "help" me with -- Of course he is, because it's not about him . . . he doesn't want to be the center of focus . . .

[yxalitis]

You know, despite the cliche that the younger femail partner is the one tha leaves and breaks the older guy's heart...

 

In fact it's often the opposite, which surprises and angers younger girls who think they've got all the advantages over their older partner.

[upnorth]

I'm not " surprised or angry" due to his age. That being said, I do think our initial hook ups were based on that. I don't think age is relevant at this point, a relationship has not been brought up and we are 7 months into this.

 

I date occasionally, he does not...I don't think he has an interest while laid off, which makes sense. We do discuss this, he's aware I do.

 

He had shared with me that he had been heartbroken last May due to a woman only slightly older than me leaving him after a brief relationship. At Christmas time, while out one evening at my regular spot ( where we met, he plays weekly ) she was there. I asked him later on if that was her and he looked surprised and said " how did you know? I didn't even talk to her" and I said " no not until the end, but I could tell because of your voice when you did and how you looked at her". He drove her home that night , and from his account it didn't sound as though it went well.

 

Anyhow, the same woman showed up again last week randomly...and left early. I think part of his " stressed out" this week was due to that. They did not speak but I did say to him after mentioning I had noticed " you could have approached her...if she blatantly didn't want to see you she wouldn't show up at a gig you're playing".

 

I think she accounts for a lot of his emotional unavailability, as well as just who he is as a person.

 

I think the only way age comes into play is that my libido is much higher than his.

 

Anyhow, I am a 24/7 single parent to a teenager , work as a nurse, have friends, interests, and day to day to obligations, so I tend to meet men like this and it works well provided both of us are on the same page.

 

I will admit that I was unsure what I wanted at first. I did ask him back then if he would even consider dating someone my age, and I think that freaked him out....the only other time I've brought something like that up was last Sunday while in bed I said " do you like me?" And his response was to pull me in for a hug , hesitate the say " you wouldn't be here if I didn't". Forgive me, it was V day.

 

To be entirely honest, while I was unsure before, our recent time of building a friendship with sex off the table had actually shown me a relationship is not something I want with this man, and where his behaviours changed so much recently, I was a little concerned that if we did venture back to the bedroom that it may be difficult to disengage from eventually. I think after reading people's advice and typing all this out, I don't think that will be a concern.