I've been doing most of the initiating...say something or let it be?

[ThisisIt606]

My bf of 8 months has a new and stressful job. He works long hours and sometimes has to pull all nighters. He travels for it too, so far only a few days at a time, but his schedule is jammed packed and he said he doesn't even have time to explore the city.

 

I feel as though I have been doing most of the texting initiating since this new job. He will respond pretty quickly still, but won't ask a lot of questions. I'm currently searching for a new job, so he will ask questions about that when I give him updates. However if I tell him I'm online shopping for x product he will just say something like "oh that's a good thing to have" and not talk about it more/ keep convo going.

 

He was traveling for work last week and texted when he was in the airport on the way home (we texted some while he was away too). I told him " I know you've been busy with work, but it would be great to see you this weekend"

 

He replied quickly and said "Oh definitely, saturday?" (This was the day before VD) I said it sounded great. He said he would think of something and he honestly hasn't had time to think of anything yet (due to his work trip). I said I was fine with just staying in making dinner/ watching a movie.

 

He volunteered to cook and said it was his "turn to make dinner anyways ;)" as i've cooked for him a couple times recently.

 

Our in person time seems fine. He made a nice home cooked VD dinner (some of my fav dishes) and got me a sweet card and nice piece of jewelry. Both the card and jewelry were very tailored to me. I could tell he put good thought into it/ how was personalized.

 

I got him a nice card and gift too and he said he loved it. Neither one of us mentioned VD beforehand but we both automatically did something for each other, which I was relieved about.

 

Basically in person hang outs= good. As I was leaving he said he should cook for me more and he'd see me later. (I have a party this weekend that I invited him to)

 

However in the days past VDay/mostly since he got this new job (little over a week now). I've been initiating most of the texting. If he does initiate it's along the lines of "I hope you day was better than mine, I was.....(complaints about work/stress)"

 

After writing this out I feel a bit silly asking him to text me more, bc I know he is busy/stressed and he gets VERY focused/ tunnel vision when it comes to work.

 

Is my best strategy just to text him as I normally would (ask how his day went and good night texts) or just to stop texting and see how he reacts?

[Satu]

1 telephone call is always worth more than any number of texts.

[Redhead14]

My bf of 8 months has a new and stressful job. He works long hours and sometimes has to pull all nighters. He travels for it too, so far only a few days at a time, but his schedule is jammed packed and he said he doesn't even have time to explore the city.

 

I feel as though I have been doing most of the texting initiating since this new job. He will respond pretty quickly still, but won't ask a lot of questions. I'm currently searching for a new job, so he will ask questions about that when I give him updates. However if I tell him I'm online shopping for x product he will just say something like "oh that's a good thing to have" and not talk about it more/ keep convo going.

 

He was traveling for work last week and texted when he was in the airport on the way home (we texted some while he was away too). I told him " I know you've been busy with work, but it would be great to see you this weekend"

 

He replied quickly and said "Oh definitely, saturday?" (This was the day before VD) I said it sounded great. He said he would think of something and he honestly hasn't had time to think of anything yet (due to his work trip). I said I was fine with just staying in making dinner/ watching a movie.

 

He volunteered to cook and said it was his "turn to make dinner anyways ;)" as i've cooked for him a couple times recently.

 

Our in person time seems fine. He made a nice home cooked VD dinner (some of my fav dishes) and got me a sweet card and nice piece of jewelry. Both the card and jewelry were very tailored to me. I could tell he put good thought into it/ how was personalized.

 

I got him a nice card and gift too and he said he loved it. Neither one of us mentioned VD beforehand but we both automatically did something for each other, which I was relieved about.

 

Basically in person hang outs= good. As I was leaving he said he should cook for me more and he'd see me later. (I have a party this weekend that I invited him to)

 

However in the days past VDay/mostly since he got this new job (little over a week now). I've been initiating most of the texting. If he does initiate it's along the lines of "I hope you day was better than mine, I was.....(complaints about work/stress)"

 

After writing this out I feel a bit silly asking him to text me more, bc I know he is busy/stressed and he gets VERY focused/ tunnel vision when it comes to work.

 

Is my best strategy just to text him as I normally would (ask how his day went and good night texts) or just to stop texting and see how he reacts?

 

Don't put so much emphasis on texting. It's impersonal anyway. What about just picking up the phone and calling him now and again and observing whether he starts to follow suit. If you'd like better communication, start doing it better yourself. During one of your calls, you can say something like, "gosh, I like this so much better. I'd like it if you called me once in a while too. It would make my day :)"

[basil67]

1 telephone call is always worth more than any number of texts.

 

I couldn't agree more. For a person who's time poor, a 5 minute chat is far easier than fielding texts.

[Redhead14]

or just to stop texting and see how he reacts? -- Be very careful with this line of thinking/attitude. That is passive-aggressive. He doesn't know what's on your mind, doesn't know it's bothering you. It's not fair to put him to some kind of test. It's an unhealthy way of dealing with things in a relationship. Deal with things that are troubling you or you're not quite happy with in a direct way. And, do it before it becomes so frustrating, annoying, unsatisfying that is starts causing resentment for you. Women are notorious for not addressing something and stewing about it and it comes out in a way that is less than proactive by that time. And, it's not about what you are saying or asking for, it's about how you do it as in the example I gave you at the end of my last post.

[katiegrl]

Sounds like he has become very accustomed to your taking the initiative.... so in his mind, he may be thinking, why change what's obviously working?

 

If it were me I would simply pull back on doing all the initiating/texting and see if he steps up.

 

He probably thinks you enjoy being the initiator.... so again, in his mind....why change what's working?

[ThisisIt606]

As odd as this may be... we haven't really called eachother before. Phone calls to try to locate eachother when out meeting somewhere mostly... The only real phone call he had was when HE called ME after he was shaken up about something.

 

I've never been a huge fan of talking on the phone, but mostly bc my work involved a lot of this and I've told him that.

 

then obv talk about our days/have a legit phone convo and use was red head suggested as a means of further phone calls.

 

I'm thinking of texting him tonight asking if he has a few mins/i'm going to call bc I need his advice on some job things and it's too long to text

 

( this is true.. it WOULD be too long/annoying to text... also sending this text first as a way for me personally to ease into calling/ won't seem so out of the blue)

Edited February 17, 2016 by ThisisIt606
clarification

[Redhead14]

Sounds like he has become very accustomed to your taking the initiative.... so in his mind, he may be thinking, why change what's obviously working?

 

If it were me I would simply pull back on doing all the initiating/texting and see if he steps up.

 

He probably thinks you enjoy being the initiator.... so again, in his mind....why change what's working?

 

You must have been posting as I uploaded my last post. But If it were me I would simply pull back on doing all the initiating/texting and see if he steps up.

 

That is passive-aggressiveness. Not cool in an established relationship. I might use that line of thinking in an early dating scenario but I'd still think twice about it. It would depend on the guy I was dating probably.

[katiegrl]

You must have been posting as I uploaded my last post. But If it were me I would simply pull back on doing all the initiating/texting and see if he steps up.

 

That is passive-aggressiveness. Not cool in an established relationship. I might use that line of thinking in an early dating scenario but I'd still think twice about it. It would depend on the guy I was dating probably.

 

Okie doke I will keep that in mind if it ever happens.....

 

Most of the time in my RLs, he was the one texting me too much....so it was never an issue.

[Redhead14]

As odd as this may be... we haven't really called eachother before. Phone calls to try to locate eachother when out meeting somewhere mostly... The only real phone call he had was when HE called ME after he was shaken up about something.

 

I've never been a huge fan of talking on the phone, but mostly bc my work involved a lot of this and I've told him that.

 

then obv talk about our days/have a legit phone convo and use was red head suggested as a means of further phone calls.

 

I'm thinking of texting him tonight asking if he has a few mins/i'm going to call bc I need his advice on some job things and it's too long to text

 

( this is true.. it WOULD be too long/annoying to text... also sending this text first as a way for me personally to ease into calling/ won't seem so out of the blue)

 

Absolutely. Texting is not for having entire conversations. It leaves room for misunderstanding/misinterpretation, etc. I think people need to get out of the habit of using texting for developing or even maintaining a relationship. It's kind of an invisible wall between you IMO. It's impersonal, lacks texture and color. It's nice to hear the voices of our loved ones when you can't be together. It fosters closeness.

[katiegrl]

You must have been posting as I uploaded my last post. But If it were me I would simply pull back on doing all the initiating/texting and see if he steps up.

 

That is passive-aggressiveness. Not cool in an established relationship. I might use that line of thinking in an early dating scenario but I'd still think twice about it. It would depend on the guy I was dating probably.

 

So what would you suggest then? Discussing it?

 

On a different note....many many people actually prefer texting..... so if that is how they've been communicating and they are both comfortable with that, why switch it up to calling?

 

The only issue I see is that OP doesn't like being the initiator all the time. Not that she has an issue with their texting instead of calling.

 

I could be wrong though.

Edited February 17, 2016 by katiegrl

[trippi1432]

So what would you suggest then? Discussing it?

 

On a different note....many many people actually prefer texting..... so if that is how they've been communicating and they are both comfortable with that, why switch it up to calling?

 

The only issue I see is that OP doesn't like being the initiator all the time. Not that she has an issue with their texting instead of calling.

 

I could be wrong though.

 

Perhaps it's just me, but I read a lot of things through body language....it's sort of my job. Even on the phone, you can get a conjecture to a person's stance, what they are saying or not saying (yes, this is my job too). In text, A LOT is left to the interpretations of the receiver and the mindset they are in (email, the same way...however, I have noticed that people put forth more effort in an email than they do in text). Text is the worse way to have a relationship and have any understanding of each other ........except in how the receiver interprets it.

[Redhead14]

So what would you suggest then? Discussing it?

 

On a different note....many many people actually prefer texting..... so if that is how they've been communicating and they are both comfortable with that, why switch it up to calling?

 

The only issue I see is that OP doesn't like being the initiator all the time. Not that she has an issue with their texting instead of calling.

 

I could be wrong though.

 

This is what I advised a few posts ago:

 

"Don't put so much emphasis on texting. It's impersonal anyway. What about just picking up the phone and calling him now and again and observing whether he starts to follow suit. If you'd like better communication, start doing it better yourself. During one of your calls, you can say something like, "gosh, I like this so much better. I'd like it if you called me once in a while too. It would make my day :)"

 

many many people actually prefer texting. -- that doesn't mean it's really a healthy, satisfying way to foster/maintain a relationship. And the more you do it, the more likely a misunderstanding will occur.

 

I'm not saying they should eliminate it all together either if they are comfortable with it, but don't make it the main method of communicating. You can cover a lot more with a real conversation and it just fosters closeness.

 

She's initiating a lot likely because it's just not as satisfying so she needs more and more. I think if there were a few more phone calls, she may not feel the need to do it so much. Her need for connection will be filled with quality instead of quantity.

[preraph]

I don't understand why you want him to text you more. Are you that insecure that you need constant assurance? You say everything in text, what's left to talk about in person that you haven't already talked about? You'll have nothing left to say that isn't repetitive. If you keep pressing him for more texting time, he's going to get sick of it. Anyone would. Because there's no good reason for it except to keep you calm, I guess.

[katiegrl]

Perhaps it's just me, but I read a lot of things through body language....it's sort of my job. Even on the phone, you can get a conjecture to a person's stance, what they are saying or not saying (yes, this is my job too). In text, A LOT is left to the interpretations of the receiver and the mindset they are in (email, the same way...however, I have noticed that people put forth more effort in an email than they do in text). Text is the worse way to have a relationship and have any understanding of each other ........except in how the receiver interprets it.

 

I agree with you trippi.... actually I am not a big fan of texting either -- l prefer spending time together in person.

 

But in between dates I love a quick text saying "hi," "miss you," that type of thing.... my ex and I did that all the time -- it really helped to keep the connection alive in between our dates.

 

If either one of us had to go out of town and couldn't spend time, then yes we would call.

 

I just got the impression that the OP and her BF were both comfortable with the texting, and that the OP's issue was that she didn't like always being the initiator, which I wouldn't like either.

 

My first instinct would be to stop doing all the initiating and see if he steps up, but Redhead said that was wrong.... it's passive-aggressive, so if that ever happens I will have to rethink that approach I guess.

[katiegrl]

I don't understand why you want him to text you more. Are you that insecure that you need constant assurance? You say everything in text, what's left to talk about in person that you haven't already talked about? You'll have nothing left to say that isn't repetitive. If you keep pressing him for more texting time, he's going to get sick of it. Anyone would. Because there's no good reason for it except to keep you calm, I guess.

 

I don't think her issue is that she wants him to text more often.... her issue is SHE doesn't like being the one always initiating the texting.

 

She would like him to initiate sometimes too.

[Satu]

I texted one of my friends the other day.

 

"Sorry, I'm going to be ten minutes late."

 

He didn't reply, and when I got there, all he said was "Hi."

[trippi1432]

I agree with you trippi.... actually I am not a big fan of texting either -- l prefer spending time together in person.

 

But in between dates I love a quick text saying "hi," "miss you," that type of thing.... my ex and I did that all the time -- it really helped to keep the connection alive in between our dates.

 

If either one of us had to go out of town and couldn't spend time, then yes we would call.

 

I just got the impression that the OP and her BF were both comfortable with the texting, and that the OP's issue was that she didn't like always being the initiator, which I wouldn't like either.

 

My first instinct would be to stop doing all the initiating and see if he steps up, but Redhead said that was wrong.... it's passive-aggressive, so if that ever happens I will have to rethink that approach I guess.

 

If in the initial stages of a new relationship that might have some merit, the wait and see approach. In an established relationship, it's passive aggressive.

[katiegrl]

If in the initial stages of a new relationship that might have some merit, the wait and see approach. In an established relationship, it's passive aggressive.

 

Why would it be passive-aggressive though?

 

I am not mad at him or punishing him nor do I feel any hostility towards him, which is the essence of passive-aggressive behavior.

 

I'm simply pulling back so as to give HIM an opportunity to step up.

 

I mean, if a woman is doing all the work .... there is nothing compelling or motivating him to do any work.

 

So common sense tells me if I want HIM to do some of the work, then I stop doing all the work.

Edited February 17, 2016 by katiegrl

[Redhead14]

I agree with you trippi.... actually I am not a big fan of texting either -- l prefer spending time together in person.

 

But in between dates I love a quick text saying "hi," "miss you," that type of thing.... my ex and I did that all the time -- it really helped to keep the connection alive in between our dates.

 

If either one of us had to go out of town and couldn't spend time, then yes we would call.

 

I just got the impression that the OP and her BF were both comfortable with the texting, and that the OP's issue was that she didn't like always being the initiator, which I wouldn't like either.

 

My first instinct would be to stop doing all the initiating and see if he steps up, but Redhead said that was wrong.... it's passive-aggressive, so if that ever happens I will have to rethink that approach I guess.

 

Passive-aggressiveness is a big relationship killer. Women use it a lot and is actually the reason you will hear men say that some women play games . . . it's **** testing. It's almost a cowardly way of addressing something that's bothering them. They are trying to send a message in a way that usually only causes resentment/confusion from the person it's being used on.

 

One of the top things a woman will say to a man when she's upset about something that causes a huge problem is this: "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you! Classic passive-aggressive statement women are well know for.

[katiegrl]

Passive-aggressiveness is a big relationship killer. Women use it a lot and is actually the reason you will hear men say that some women play games . . . it's **** testing. It's almost a cowardly way of addressing something that's bothering them. They are trying to send a message in a way that usually only causes resentment/confusion from the person it's being used on.

 

One of the top things a woman will say to a man when she's upset about something that causes a huge problem is this: "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you! Classic passive-aggressive statement women are well know for.

 

RH....read my last post (right before this one).

 

Why is it passive-aggressive? Again, I am not mad at him nor do I feel any hostility towards him -- which is the essence of passive aggressive behavior.

 

Anyway, my last posts explains my position in more detail.

[Satu]

It's a common belief that everything has to be equal in a relationship, but it doesn't.

 

If I text you three times, that doesn't mean that you owe me three texts,

 

If I give you two shoulder massages, that doesn't mean that you owe me two, or that they can be converted into X number foot massages owed, according to the current rate of conversion.

 

If you do something because you want to, nobody owes you anything.

 

Some things have to be equal, but lots of things, especially something as vapid and trivial as texts, don't have to be.

Edited February 17, 2016 by Satu

[katiegrl]

Passive-aggressiveness is a big relationship killer. Women use it a lot and is actually the reason you will hear men say that some women play games . . . it's **** testing. It's almost a cowardly way of addressing something that's bothering them. They are trying to send a message in a way that usually only causes resentment/confusion from the person it's being used on.

 

One of the top things a woman will say to a man when she's upset about something that causes a huge problem is this: "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you! Classic passive-aggressive statement women are well know for.

 

Well hell yeah THAT is passive-aggressive for sure!

 

But if I were to pull back so as to give him an opportunity to step up....and he asks me what's wrong.... I am certainly going to tell him the truth.

 

Not withhold my feelings and make him guess or anything of the sort.

 

But what if he doesn't ask? And since I have stopped doing all the initiating, he just lets it fade out?

 

Well....that's my answer -- he's not into it..... and I move on.

 

Seems pretty straightforward to me -- what am I missing?

 

Again, we are talking about early stages wherein we are both trying to determine compatibility and whether we are right for each other - on the same page.

[TunaInTheBrine]

My bf of 8 months has a new and stressful job. He works long hours and sometimes has to pull all nighters. He travels for it too, so far only a few days at a time, but his schedule is jammed packed and he said he doesn't even have time to explore the city.

 

I feel as though I have been doing most of the texting initiating since this new job. He will respond pretty quickly still, but won't ask a lot of questions. I'm currently searching for a new job, so he will ask questions about that when I give him updates. However if I tell him I'm online shopping for x product he will just say something like "oh that's a good thing to have" and not talk about it more/ keep convo going.

 

He was traveling for work last week and texted when he was in the airport on the way home (we texted some while he was away too). I told him " I know you've been busy with work, but it would be great to see you this weekend"

 

He replied quickly and said "Oh definitely, saturday?" (This was the day before VD) I said it sounded great. He said he would think of something and he honestly hasn't had time to think of anything yet (due to his work trip). I said I was fine with just staying in making dinner/ watching a movie.

 

He volunteered to cook and said it was his "turn to make dinner anyways ;)" as i've cooked for him a couple times recently.

 

Our in person time seems fine. He made a nice home cooked VD dinner (some of my fav dishes) and got me a sweet card and nice piece of jewelry. Both the card and jewelry were very tailored to me. I could tell he put good thought into it/ how was personalized.

 

I got him a nice card and gift too and he said he loved it. Neither one of us mentioned VD beforehand but we both automatically did something for each other, which I was relieved about.

 

Basically in person hang outs= good. As I was leaving he said he should cook for me more and he'd see me later. (I have a party this weekend that I invited him to)

 

However in the days past VDay/mostly since he got this new job (little over a week now). I've been initiating most of the texting. If he does initiate it's along the lines of "I hope you day was better than mine, I was.....(complaints about work/stress)"

 

After writing this out I feel a bit silly asking him to text me more, bc I know he is busy/stressed and he gets VERY focused/ tunnel vision when it comes to work.

 

Is my best strategy just to text him as I normally would (ask how his day went and good night texts) or just to stop texting and see how he reacts?

 

I think it's okay to be vulnerable and share with him your emotional reactions, as long as you're not being accusatory or attacking. Who knows? Maybe he'll even attempt to reassure you in the future with texts or in some other way when you talk it through. If it's bothering you enough to post about it on the internet, I wouldn't just let it fester inside.

[Redhead14]

RH....read my last post (right before this one).

 

Why is it passive-aggressive? Again, I am not mad at him nor do I feel any hostility towards him -- which is the essence of passive aggressive behavior.

 

Anyway, my last posts explains my position in more detail.

 

Passive-aggressiveness doesn't always contain hostility. It's about an unspoken want or desire and expecting the person to be a mind-reader. And, I might do what you're saying above if my spoke message wasn't being understood or accepted. I would use that as establishing the new boundary. In other words, she talks to him, he says he'll do that but doesn't. So she goes back to doing it. If he doesn't respond to her spoken request, then she does that to reinforce her position. Talk first, observe and then set the boundary, emphasize, create consequences. He doesn't do his part, she stops doing it herself. That's the consequence. Guys give lip service all the time and then don't do what's been asked, knowing she'll drop it and go back to the old way because there was no consequence. But, don't make them try to guess. Give them a heads up.