What to say about friend's hot/cold relationship with jerk?

[HansonGirl]

i have a friend who has had this on/off hot/cold relationship with this guy who can be a jerk. But by the same token, she completely overreacts sometimes too. but basically to sum it up, every single time this guy does something jerky- it is indeed jerky- she contacts me and tells me about it - forwards their text conversations to me, and tells me how she "hates" him. is it just me, but i certainly wouldn't want a relationship where i feel like i "hate" my partner. and honestly i think she can do better. she has dated other guys in between this "relationship"

 

so recently - this past week - he did something pretty jerky - I thought it was pretty mean, but apparently he was "joking". Seemed like a cruel joke. well her reaction to it was EXTREME. and of course i got to hear every detail. she then asked (as she always does) what she should "do". I don't know what to tell her anymore. I know she's going to keep going back to him no matter what I say, and i don't want her to blame me if it's what she doesn't want to do.

 

in fact she kept saying she wasn't going to see him this weekend, because she was SO mad at him and hated him and all these other things, but guess who she is with. she is posting photos with him on instagram with all these hearts

 

call me crazy but I just don't understand it. what do i do next time she gets mad at him and declares she is done with him? because it WILL happen again.

[Arieswoman]

HansonGirl,

I know it is difficult to see someone you care about making themselves unhappy but there is nothing you can do about your friend's behaviour, that's her choice. It appears she likes drama.

 

Your choice is that you don't have to be involved in it.

 

The next time she tries to involve you, say something around the lines of "I'm sorry you're having problems with X but I really don't want to be involved in that drama any more. "

 

If she asks for advice, say that your sorry but she needs to take responsibility for her own choices. That's probably not what she wants to hear but it will save your sanity.

 

You need to be very firm here and set boundaries otherwise she'll be bending your ear'ole from now til next Christmas.

[todreaminblue]

as aries woman said have your boundaries dont just say yay...when you want to say nay ....express your opinion and be that friend who is honest and forthright..unfortunately even though we see others make monumental mistakes.....sometimes they need to make them to grow..and we still love them anyway...because thats what we are supposed to do....be there for them hell or high water and pick up the pieces after the meltdowns...without a told you so .........i wish you well...deb

[scubasteve]

typical. girls always go for jerks and shun nice guys

 

Don't you even go there

[HansonGirl]

Update:

so my friend contacts me this weekend to tell me she is having a terrible time. so i say what's wrong, no response until the next day when i talk to her on the phone. it was "terrible" because the guy didn't want to go downtown with her, like she wanted to. so not to get into details but then she is saying how she is going to some other guy's house to spend the night - some other guy she used to hook up with - I asked if her boyfriend (let's call him "Mike") knows that, and she says oh no, he would die. And then she explains how she told him she is going to a mutual friend's place, and how she needs to call that mutual friend to tell her to lie for her.

 

Then i called her out on it - and I said, how come you get so upset, call Mike all these terrible things, hang up on him, call him the spawn of satan (i kid you not) and yet it is ok for you to spend the night at this guy's house who you used to hook up with. She also goes on Tinder dates

 

so at that point the line went dead - I suspect she hung up on ME now. Frankly I am so tired of this "friend" - i actually don't think Mike is as bad as she paints him out to be - i mean sure he can be a jerk - but she refers to him as "the a#$hole" instead of by his name and says all these bad things about him. I asked him what she likes about him and she said he is wealthy and good looking

 

This saddens me because I don't like the idea of losing friends. But i have thought about it lately, and I don't want to be judgmental but i really don't know how close i want to be with someone who has such double standards. there are a couple other things but i feel silly being a shoulder to cry on in this situation

[Gaeta]

She'll get back to you, you're probably the only one willing to listen to her non sense.

 

I have a friend like this. When she sends me messages complaining about her boyfriend I tell her: Hon, that's the man you picked for yourself. Then I follow with : you have a salsa recipe?

 

She gets the message.

[Redhead14]

i have a friend who has had this on/off hot/cold relationship with this guy who can be a jerk. But by the same token, she completely overreacts sometimes too. but basically to sum it up, every single time this guy does something jerky- it is indeed jerky- she contacts me and tells me about it - forwards their text conversations to me, and tells me how she "hates" him. is it just me, but i certainly wouldn't want a relationship where i feel like i "hate" my partner. and honestly i think she can do better. she has dated other guys in between this "relationship"

 

so recently - this past week - he did something pretty jerky - I thought it was pretty mean, but apparently he was "joking". Seemed like a cruel joke. well her reaction to it was EXTREME. and of course i got to hear every detail. she then asked (as she always does) what she should "do". I don't know what to tell her anymore. I know she's going to keep going back to him no matter what I say, and i don't want her to blame me if it's what she doesn't want to do.

 

in fact she kept saying she wasn't going to see him this weekend, because she was SO mad at him and hated him and all these other things, but guess who she is with. she is posting photos with him on instagram with all these hearts

 

call me crazy but I just don't understand it. what do i do next time she gets mad at him and declares she is done with him? because it WILL happen again.

 

what do i do -- Nothing, it's none of your business unless she asks you for advice. She is an adult (at least physically, I don't know her mental level of maturity, but it appears that is still a work in progress for her) but let her figure out and learn for herself.