Is She Still Too Hung Up on Her Ex?

[OverAnalyzer]

Hey there,

 

I've been in a relationship with a girl for a little over four months now. Things are going pretty well, all-things-considered. She says that I'm the best guy that she's dated and that I treat her well, and we both love each other.

 

The kicker is this: she still talks about her ex. Not too terribly frequently, but it happens enough to where I'm concerned. But the situation is far more complicated than your average one: she and her ex were on-and-off for about five years, until a few years ago when he committed suicide.

 

Now, I understand that it's an extremely complicated, touchy issue, but she's said things to the effect of: I was perfect for him (something she said while she was drunk), and she gets fairly affected by the thought of him. Which is completely understandable and I'm not saying she's in the wrong for that. People grieve in their own time.

 

Recently, the three year anniversary of his suicide happened, and she posted something on Facebook saying she thinks about him every day and that she cried when she saw something that reminded her of him, and it got me thinking: Is she even ready to be in a serious relationship with me? She says she is, and I know this kind of thing is happening a bit more frequently since it's close to the anniversary of his death, but is this is a sign? Should I be patient with her or move on to try and give her more time to process?

 

Any and all advice is welcome and appreciated, and thanks in advance.

[truth_seeker]

Sorry, dude but you're her emotional rebound. If I were you, I would cut ties now before you become too in love with her. She needs to see a therapist and work out these issues. That's some serious emotional baggage she is carrying.

 

You seem like a good guy trying to do the right thing. I hope it all works out for you.

[OverAnalyzer]

You think she still has the need for an emotional rebound after three years? Also, I'm not the first guy she's dated since his passing.

[Gaeta]

It will dissipate with time.

 

I can somehow relate to this. My ex-husband died unexpectedly 2 years ago. We were together 15 years and had been divorced for + 10 years. We have a daughter together so we remained on friendly terms.

 

His death hit me like a ton of brick. The first year was very emotional for me. Now after 2 years I still will cry sometimes when I am by myself and I come across something that reminds me of him. I just don't express it in public for respect toward his widow. My mourning is still not done even if our marriage ended 10 + years ago. One is not linked to the other.

 

I am older and wiser so I do my morning very discretely and I don't talk about this to the men I date. If every time I have a thought for my dead ex I'd mention it out loud my boyfriend would think like you do but it would be unjustified.

 

Mourning is a very complex process and it takes a long time, still it has nothing to do with still loving him.

[truth_seeker]

You think she still has the need for an emotional rebound after three years? Also, I'm not the first guy she's dated since his passing.

 

From what you're describing, I don't think she'll ever get over this guy. It seems she can't stay with a guy if she's dating other guys and it's not working out... probably because she brings up the ex a lot.

 

For your own sanity and heart, let her go.

 

I was with a divorced woman for awhile. She kept bringing up her ex. It got to the point I broke up with her. I was sick of her baggage becoming mine.

 

Don't let your girlfriend's past become your burden.

[Gaeta]

I was with a divorced woman for awhile. She kept bringing up her ex. It got to the point I broke up with her. I was sick of her baggage becoming mine.

 

Don't let your girlfriend's past become your burden.

 

You cannot compare this situation to OP's situation. Completely 2 different situations with different mourning process.

[Timshel]

You cannot compare this situation to OP's situation. Completely 2 different situations with different mourning process.

 

I agree. I am both divorced and a widow. There is absolutely no comparison. One is walking around and the other is dead.

 

OP, have a talk with her and let her know your feelings. Three years is not too soon for most people to be in a healthy relationship after a death. I was ready to be with my current bf around 2 1/2 yrs. after my husband passed.

Everyone is different and there is no set time frame for mourning.

I would at least let her know how you feel and gauge an informed decision based on her response.

Oh, and maybe try to have some patience with her past the anniversary if you can tolerate it.

[Redhead14]

Hey there,

 

I've been in a relationship with a girl for a little over four months now. Things are going pretty well, all-things-considered. She says that I'm the best guy that she's dated and that I treat her well, and we both love each other.

 

The kicker is this: she still talks about her ex. Not too terribly frequently, but it happens enough to where I'm concerned. But the situation is far more complicated than your average one: she and her ex were on-and-off for about five years, until a few years ago when he committed suicide.

 

Now, I understand that it's an extremely complicated, touchy issue, but she's said things to the effect of: I was perfect for him (something she said while she was drunk), and she gets fairly affected by the thought of him. Which is completely understandable and I'm not saying she's in the wrong for that. People grieve in their own time.

 

Recently, the three year anniversary of his suicide happened, and she posted something on Facebook saying she thinks about him every day and that she cried when she saw something that reminded her of him, and it got me thinking: Is she even ready to be in a serious relationship with me? She says she is, and I know this kind of thing is happening a bit more frequently since it's close to the anniversary of his death, but is this is a sign? Should I be patient with her or move on to try and give her more time to process?

 

Any and all advice is welcome and appreciated, and thanks in advance.

 

My fiance passed away going on three years ago a few months before the wedding. I think of him often but not every day now. I did talk about him some with my SO in the beginning of our relationship, but I didn't cry or become depressed or anything like that. Suicide is another can of worms. She likely could benefit from grief counseling if she is still affected so deeply. There are other layers of grief involved -- survivor's guilt and thinking they should have known or could have prevented it, among other things.

 

You will need to be very patient with her for sure. I think you should do as many special things with her that create new/present memories for her with you. Not to replace the old ones, but to simply help take the focus off her past with him. Take her places she's never been before, do some things that are different than usual. Try new things/activities.

[Maggie4]

I was dating a widower who'd talk about his diseased wife every other sentence, and say "my wife and I this or that", and he told me he was dating me because before she died, she told him that she wants him to date and not be alone after she's gone.

Honestly I was not put off by any of this and was rather touched by their love. However, the reality is that I was not able to fall in love with him because there was that barrier: him still grieving, and me knowing what I know. So the matter took care of itself.

I think the person who cannot accept a new love will have a barrier to prevent you from getting closer. Although s/he may behave like a lover on the exterior, if the emotions are not there, you would know.

You have to go by what you can feel she is giving, and also know what you need from a partner. Your gf is probably as involved with you as she can be with any man. The question is if that's enough for you.

[OverAnalyzer]

Thanks everyone for the replies. As of right now, I'm trying to be as patient as I possibly can. I've dealt with instances that weren't quite the same, but similar to what she's going through, so I'm trying to be as patient and as supportive as I can. For instance, I've dealt with a family member dying, another trying to commit suicide, and being broken up with after a few years of being in a relationship. Obviously, they are not the same, but I feel I'm able to somewhat empathize with her situation.

 

What I want to do is give her a bit of time. Since yesterday was the anniversary of her ex's death, things are probably a bit fresh. I want to give her at least a week before approaching the situation and asking her if she's ready to be in a committed emotional relationship with me, since she will have been somewhat distanced from the event. I don't want her to feel like she can't grieve, because I know, as people have said, that people take their time differently. But I do want to make sure that she's in a good enough place to be with me.

 

On a somewhat related note, she told me just a moment ago that she had a dream last night where we got married. She said she was scared at first and didn't want to do it, but she ended up doing it and she felt really, really happy as a result. I'm not one to read too deep into dream psychology, but it was an interesting thing to mention and to have happen considering what yesterday meant to her. Any thoughts?

[Redhead14]

Thanks everyone for the replies. As of right now, I'm trying to be as patient as I possibly can. I've dealt with instances that weren't quite the same, but similar to what she's going through, so I'm trying to be as patient and as supportive as I can. For instance, I've dealt with a family member dying, another trying to commit suicide, and being broken up with after a few years of being in a relationship. Obviously, they are not the same, but I feel I'm able to somewhat empathize with her situation.

 

What I want to do is give her a bit of time. Since yesterday was the anniversary of her ex's death, things are probably a bit fresh. I want to give her at least a week before approaching the situation and asking her if she's ready to be in a committed emotional relationship with me, since she will have been somewhat distanced from the event. I don't want her to feel like she can't grieve, because I know, as people have said, that people take their time differently. But I do want to make sure that she's in a good enough place to be with me.

 

On a somewhat related note, she told me just a moment ago that she had a dream last night where we got married. She said she was scared at first and didn't want to do it, but she ended up doing it and she felt really, really happy as a result. I'm not one to read too deep into dream psychology, but it was an interesting thing to mention and to have happen considering what yesterday meant to her. Any thoughts?

 

Given the fact that the anniversary of his death was recent, I'd discount this dream in terms of how she's feeling about you. The significance of this dream so close to the anniversary of his death, regardless of the fact she said it was about you, is nebulous without more information. However, the traumatized mind will replace people and objects from the past with ones from the present simply because, in this case, it's too difficult to think about it being with him, well, because -- he's dead.

 

Another aspect that would inhibit/make her healing process be "slow" is the method of his suicide and whether not she was the one who found him or it happened in her presence . . . it would be telling to know whether she still dreams about him when he was alive or whether her dreams are still mostly about his death, and if she is having dreams about him at all.

 

Something you should look for are signs of Post Traumatic Stress . . . especially if she found him or witnessed.

Edited January 28, 2016 by Redhead14

[lilmissjava]

Having been in her position, I know what and how she feels with picking up after being left behind. It takes years and years to be able to begin to move on.

 

This isn't like conventional relationships where you get to say goodbye or have some closure and you both move on. This situation is different because those left behind are always going to deal with the why, the how, the what would have been, the what could have been had that person not exercised their own free will. It isn't a clean break if you will, to be able to give yourself 100% to someone without some guidance along the way.

 

I took several years to myself after my fiance took his own life and got the therapy and counselling I needed to be able to move on. It was not an easy road. Almost a decade later I still think of him (not everyday), but on the anniversary of his death, and songs I hear, places we had been, movies we have watched. Simple things like that trigger thoughts of him.

 

I would tell you to stay and be as supportive as you can, but at the same time, not to stick around and in her eyes become the replacement of someone she will never see or hear from again (consciously anyway). Four months really isn't a long time. Perhaps she really does need more time, because not everyone heals at the same pace after something like this, if ever.

[OverAnalyzer]

Just to clarify, it's been three years since his passing, and we've been together for four months.

[lilmissjava]

Just to clarify, it's been three years since his passing, and we've been together for four months.

 

I realize that, and the time it takes to heal from something that traumatic could take years and years. That is why we are called suicide survivors. It takes an indefinite amount of time to feel whole and ready to love another.

 

You just need to know what you are up against if you want to continue with your 4 month relationship with this girl.

 

I wish you both the best.

[kendahke]

You think she still has the need for an emotional rebound after three years? Also, I'm not the first guy she's dated since his passing.

 

 

Could be they got sick of hearing about Saint Ex.

 

You need to ask her "are you aware how many times you mention your ex? I don't think you are ready to move on--you still seem to have a lot to process regarding his death and I don't think I have the training to get you through that minefield. I'm going to back off and let you go handle that. When you're at a place of peace, give me a ring. If I'm available, we'll chat".

 

People grieve differently, this is true; but that doesn't mean you have to have her ex brought up all the time, as if she's talking to one of her girlfriends. You're not her girlfriend. You're a guy who is developing romantic feelings for her and as long as he's occupying that space in her head and heart, there are 3 people in your relationship and she most likely will expect you to consider her ex the same way she does.

 

It's too soon for her to be dating, IMO. She's not ready to move on with her life.

[Miss Peach]

You cannot compare this situation to OP's situation. Completely 2 different situations with different mourning process.

 

Agreed. IME it really depends on the person. I know people several years out who are still a wreck. I know others who get their act together quickly.

[anna121]

Could be they got sick of hearing about Saint Ex.

 

You need to ask her "are you aware how many times you mention your ex? I don't think you are ready to move on--you still seem to have a lot to process regarding his death and I don't think I have the training to get you through that minefield. I'm going to back off and let you go handle that. When you're at a place of peace, give me a ring. If I'm available, we'll chat".

 

People grieve differently, this is true; but that doesn't mean you have to have her ex brought up all the time, as if she's talking to one of her girlfriends. You're not her girlfriend. You're a guy who is developing romantic feelings for her and as long as he's occupying that space in her head and heart, there are 3 people in your relationship and she most likely will expect you to consider her ex the same way she does.

 

It's too soon for her to be dating, IMO. She's not ready to move on with her life.

 

FWIW I think the bolded is too harsh, at least, if you really want her to contact you after she has healed some more. I would be very turned off if someone said that to me.

 

What she is going through is not a character flaw nor is it her fault. It may be that she is not ready for a relationship, but by your own description she doesn't mention him "too terribly frequently". Just more than you are comfortable with. Which are your feelings and that is fine. But what you describe doesn't sound like someone pining for someone else. Rather someone who is still hurting. And you are under no obligation to deal with her pain. But you can disengage (if that is what you want) with compassion.

[kendahke]

FWIW I think the bolded is too harsh, at least, if you really want her to contact you after she has healed some more. I would be very turned off if someone said that to me.

 

It's not harsh. It's direct. Harsh is "you never shut up about him. He's dead and gone. Get over it!"

 

But we're not talking about you. We're talking about someone who after 3 years is clearly not aware of how her behavior is impacting the guy she's now seeing--and more so, the other men who have stopped seeing her--to the point where he is questioning the wisdom in being with her. It must be enough to prompt him to come to a public message board and ask a bunch of strangers "Is she still too hung up on her ex?"

Edited January 28, 2016 by kendahke