Is friends with benefits a good idea?

[flowerpower22]

I've known this guy since we were at school (10 years) we recently reconnected and went out of about 5 dates. He was lovely and gentlemanly and we slept together once.

 

After we slept together he asked me what the situation was and I was honest saying I didn't know. He told me he enjoyed hanging out with me and had fun when we slept together so didn't want to stop either but wasn't looking for more in the immediate future.

 

I responded and agreed with what he said but added that i thought eventually I would start to develop feelings and maybe we should stop before someone got hurt. He was very kind and said he only wanted me to be happy and comfortable and maybe we should stop, but if I changed my Mind to let him know.

 

I think I changed my mind. I've read this as him wanting a FWB situation, which I'm guessing is right? Any other thoughts on this would be good too! If I change my mind will I make the situation worse? Is FWB ever a good idea?

[TaraMaiden2]

I've known this guy since we were at school (10 years) we recently reconnected and went out of about 5 dates. He was lovely and gentlemanly and we slept together once.

 

After we slept together he asked me what the situation was and I was honest saying I didn't know. He told me he enjoyed hanging out with me and had fun when we slept together so didn't want to stop either but wasn't looking for more in the immediate future.

 

I responded and agreed with what he said but added that i thought eventually I would start to develop feelings and maybe we should stop before someone got hurt. He was very kind and said he only wanted me to be happy and comfortable and maybe we should stop, but if I changed my Mind to let him know.

 

I think I changed my mind. I've read this as him wanting a FWB situation, which I'm guessing is right? Any other thoughts on this would be good too! If I change my mind will I make the situation worse? Is FWB ever a good idea?

 

No, you haven't changed your mind.

You DO have feelings for him, and they're blooming.

So you want to keep connected with him in the hope that the FWB situation will develop into something more.

 

FWB is a disastrous idea - if one party has even the slightest, remotest feelings for the other.

The whole point of a FWB thing is that it is NOT EXCLUSIVE.

 

He could date and 'get up close and personal' with any other gal he wants. Any time.

With no nod, or permission from you.

 

How would you feel about that?

 

And how about you 'Netflix 'n' Chill' with some random guy, for the heck of it?

Would you?

 

Based on what you say, I don't think you would...

 

FWB means you're free with your bodies and minds to do whatever you want...

 

I would strongly advise against entering into any form of contact with this guy, on any intimate or personal level.

[Toodaloo]

FWB is very difficult to get right and someone always ends up hurt.

 

Like Tara says you have feelings now. He doesn't.

 

Do not do this to yourself.

 

Tell him nope you want to break it off as you do want more and you are not happy with things as they are. Be nice and kind about it then (here is the important bit) stick to it. Hang out, be friends, do not sleep with him. Do not get drunk around him (as that is when these things so often happen!).

 

Look after yourself and it will be fine. You will meet someone who does want more and feels just as strongly about you as you do them.

[smudge21]

Being friends with anyone you have feelings for is a bad idea and never seems to work out, as there always comes that point when the one who isn't emotionally invested turns around and tells their "friend" that they just met someone and are going get serious with them. The friend, the one who was in love, the one who thought that if they stay around then eventually get what they want, is left destroyed as suddenly they realise all their investment has turned to nothing and the person they thought would love them back, if loving someone else.

[Redhead14]

I've known this guy since we were at school (10 years) we recently reconnected and went out of about 5 dates. He was lovely and gentlemanly and we slept together once.

 

After we slept together he asked me what the situation was and I was honest saying I didn't know. He told me he enjoyed hanging out with me and had fun when we slept together so didn't want to stop either but wasn't looking for more in the immediate future.

 

I responded and agreed with what he said but added that i thought eventually I would start to develop feelings and maybe we should stop before someone got hurt. He was very kind and said he only wanted me to be happy and comfortable and maybe we should stop, but if I changed my Mind to let him know.

 

I think I changed my mind. I've read this as him wanting a FWB situation, which I'm guessing is right? Any other thoughts on this would be good too! If I change my mind will I make the situation worse? Is FWB ever a good idea?

 

If you are looking for a long-term, committed relationship for yourself, it's absolutely not a good idea. You said yourself, you were concerned about developing feelings for the guy. Women generally do develop feelings for a guy when they are sleeping with them. It's just the way we are "wired". Some very strong, secure, independent women can be "successful" with an FWB situation, but you gotta really know yourself well.

 

Some women will accept this scenario while deep down they are hoping the guy will fall for her in spite of himself and what he said. But guys are more pragmatic and focused in terms of what they want and when they say this, it's not very likely to change.

 

I'd recommend moving on.

[VJ84]

If you've changed your mind because you are missing him then the feelings are already developing and FWB is entirely a bad idea. I started to go there at one point and am very happy that circumstances caused it to stop when it did. I quickly realized that I would not have been able to handle it and would have ended up hurting myself. My advice is is to spare yourself the future heartbreak unless you really have a good talk with yourself about what you are getting into and make the boundaries very clear.

[scooby-philly]

Ok,

 

So as a guy I would have to say - read the other posters' comments. FWB is not a good idea if you are not the serial dater/lover type. IF you're even close to wanting a LTR your feelings will only get hurt.

 

I just ended a FWB because the woman was getting feelings and the way and speed she transitioned from being a FWB in her mind to acting / subconsciously thinking we were more was amazing. And this wasn't with someone I knew beforehand - we met online, hit it off quickly and while she's got most of the characteristics I would want the age difference, income, and other factors really won't make it work.

 

Honestly, I don't think - even as a guy - I would set one up again unless we spent a lot of time talking about ground rules, expectations, etc. If you're not clear going in someone is going to get hurt.

[smackie9]

To me FWB just leaves fuzzy boarders. It's a relationship without a title as far as I'm concerned. IMO you don't have value to them like you think you do....that's when feelings get hurt when you do finally realize that it's just about sex and nothing more.

[Methodical]

I'm agreeing with everyone else, bad idea. It appears you have developed some feelings and perhaps subconsciously you're hoping a FWB will develop into something more with him.

 

I posted a thread recently about an acquaintance who thought a FWB's situation had faded with no warning. It turned out there were assumptions made due to miscommunications and neither one wanted to address the elephant in the room.

 

I finally suggested she approach him with her concern. She did and they've rekindled their arrangement. (Twice this week.) True be told, they both have some emotional ties, otherwise, broaching the subject wouldn't have been an issue for either one.

 

According to her, they have set more boundaries and agreed to not fade if they decide to change their arrangement. As I said in that thread, time will tell. For now, I know that she's happy and I wish them luck .

[Grewd]

There's a chance it can progress to a relationship, this dude seems laid back in a good way. It's at least a good sign he wants you to be happy and comfortable, that's the exact thing I want for my girlfriend to be and I'm giving her the choices the same way you got them.

 

What's certain is that you can pull out now and be safe without ever finding out or take a risk. The risk is that it may never get beyond FWB or it could get beyond it because he just want you to be happy and comfortable (which you obviously seem to want). Personally I would take the risk, I would rather want to know for sure than to keep wondering and even worse regretting the chances I didn't take.

[soph-walker]

Would not advise fwb.

 

There's always one party that ends up feeling dissapointed/hurt.

 

I don't care what anyone says, there's no such thing as 'no strings'.

[Redhead14]

There's a chance it can progress to a relationship, this dude seems laid back in a good way. It's at least a good sign he wants you to be happy and comfortable, that's the exact thing I want for my girlfriend to be and I'm giving her the choices the same way you got them.

 

What's certain is that you can pull out now and be safe without ever finding out or take a risk. The risk is that it may never get beyond FWB or it could get beyond it because he just want you to be happy and comfortable (which you obviously seem to want). Personally I would take the risk, I would rather want to know for sure than to keep wondering and even worse regretting the chances I didn't take.

 

It could happen that the guy develops more feelings towards her, but those cases are so few and far between -- they are the exception. I wouldn't hang my hat on an exception. The high road/safe road for her is to avoid the situation all together.

 

regretting the chances I didn't take -- Regretting the chances you do take cause the most pain (I'd rather be wondering than suffering for a few months or more) . . . And, you have to weigh the risk. This is not a minimal risk scenario. It's a huge risk . . .

[Timshel]

I've known this guy since we were at school (10 years) we recently reconnected and went out of about 5 dates. He was lovely and gentlemanly and we slept together once.

 

After we slept together he asked me what the situation was and I was honest saying I didn't know. He told me he enjoyed hanging out with me and had fun when we slept together so didn't want to stop either but wasn't looking for more in the immediate future.

 

I responded and agreed with what he said but added that i thought eventually I would start to develop feelings and maybe we should stop before someone got hurt. He was very kind and said he only wanted me to be happy and comfortable and maybe we should stop, but if I changed my Mind to let him know.

 

I think I changed my mind. I've read this as him wanting a FWB situation, which I'm guessing is right? Any other thoughts on this would be good too! If I change my mind will I make the situation worse? Is FWB ever a good idea?

 

*You and this guy went out on *5* dates.

*You and this guy had sex.

*Dude tells you that he does not want a relationship with you.

*Dude is willing to have sex with you until he meets someone else he does want a relationship with/or meets a new FB.

 

Assuming that you fully understand this and accept this as the truth, is this acceptable to you?

He is not being hard to get or mysterious, he has told you exactly what will happen and what he is willing to give you.

Don't get it twisted and think he isn't sure or might change his mind.

 

The deal is laid straight out on the table, take it or leave it. If it isn't what you truly want and will compromise your standards, don't do it.