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How to handle upsetting my crush


Mjm1014

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About 10 years ago I returned to my hometown from college to take a community college course over the summer and met a girl I was really into. I had a huge crush on her during class and we interacted a bit during that time, but I was in the process of getting out of a bad relationship so I didn't really "make any moves" since I'm not into cheating. We ended up parting ways once the course was over, but we def seemed into eachother at the time..

 

Anyways for years, I always wondered what happened to her, and would think "what if"...lucky me received a friend request from her the other day and we started talking a bit and she basically told me she still thinks about me a lot too, and wishes she could see me.

 

Tonight we were texting, this is how the convo went:

 

Me-I really want to take you out when you get back into town

Her- that's what most guys say but they are too chicken to keep their word

Me-you were one of my biggest crushes, trust me I'll keep my word

Her- one? So you had many crushes? Wow thanks..

 

Never heard back from her since. When we talked tonight she just overall seemed put off by me compared to when we talked earlier in the day..She was my biggest crush but I didn't want to tell her that and come off over eager and turn her off. I could tell she was upset though. I'm planning on calling her tomorrow. I personally feel like this is a big red flag...I mean if she's truly upset over that text message. What do you think?

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All she's doing is teasing you and breaking your balls. The way you reply is by giving it right back to her.

 

When she asked "oh so you had multiple crushes huh?"

 

You just reply "yea... You were somewhere between Megan Fox and Adriana Lima... I have pretty high standards". Cool, funny, and let's her know you can't be rattled easily.

 

Furthermore... When you told her you'd like to take her out and she replied "that's what most guys say, but they always chicken out" ... That was a good thing. She's literally asking you to keep your word and take her out so she can see you.

All you have to do is follow through. "Well I'm pretty sure you'll find out quickly that I'm not like most guys. What day are you getting back to town?"

 

If you know when she's getting back, then a better move is to specify a date.

"You have any plans next Friday/Saturday?" If she says she's free... Then you tell her "well now you do... Dinner (or whatever activity you decide to do with her).

 

This girl likes you and told you that. You didn't piss her off so don't worry about that. She was just teasing you. If anything you should've just asserted yourself.

Some girls like to diminish the effort and compliments they get for whatever reason or insecurity they have.

If she continuously does that to you going forward, and makes you feel silly or stupid after complimenting her then you have every right to put her in her place for it.

"Wow.. You make it really hard to compliment you huh? My apologies, I'll try and hold back" .... That'll show her she's being unappreciative and make her realize she doesn't need to give you a hard time when you're just being a genuinely nice guy.

 

Go for it tho. But be specific about when you're gonna get together so it's not just a vague agreement.

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If she was truly upset by that, she is far too sensitive.

 

I am a woman and I can tell you she will be emotionally high-maintenance, if that comment bothered her so much.

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OP, based on the last paragraph of your original post, she was not teasing. If she were teasing, she would have placed LOL or an emoji after her "wow, thanks." Nor would she have seemed *put off* by you tonight.

 

No, as crazy as it sounds....... your comment pissed her off.

 

Sounds like she may have interpreted your comment as meaning you are some sort of a player, crushing on and juggling multiple women.

 

She has probably had some negative experiences with players over the years and was projecting.

 

Proceed with caution, she comes with baggage.

Edited by katiegrl
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OP, based on the last paragraph of your original post, she was not teasing. If she were teasing, she would have placed LOL or an emoji after her "wow, thanks." No, as crazy as it sounds....... your comment pissed her off.

 

Sounds like she may have interpreted your comment as meaning you are some sort of a player, crushing on and juggling multiple women.

 

She has probably had some negative experiences with players over the years and was projecting.

 

Proceed with caution, she comes with baggage.

 

 

All due respect I have to disagree here. Completely changing her emotional feeling/reaction to his text based of if "lol" or an emoji being involved just isn't logical.

 

The OP says in his post that she even told him flat out that she's thought about him and wishes she could see him. Nothing be said in those texts above was even remotely off putting or suggesting anything other than his interest in HER....

 

What I would agree on... Is that if in fact she some how was offput or pissed at any of his texts...then she's definitely a head case and will come with more headaches down the line.

 

At this point though I don't think that can be determined definitively. If he's had a crush on this girl this long then throwing it all away based on "lol" and "winking smiley face" is pretty brash and wasteful in my opinion.

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Plus the last paragraph of his post states that he literally talked to her today... Twice.

 

If anything, he's too invested and reading into things to deeply because of his long term crush on her and hoping he doesn't mess his chance up. Walking on eggshells isn't going to help, it's going to hurt.

 

If you felt she was offput the 2nd time you spoke at night then I'd ask what that conversation consisted of.

 

Keep in mind that just because people aren't psyched all the time when talking to you, doesn't mean it's because of you at all. That goes even more for texting.

If this communication was via text then you have no clue what she was really feeling. So many people misinterpret texts because they read them with how they hear it in their head. She might have typed it with a completely different demeanor. That's why sarcasm isn't great to use when you meet someone new and start texting. They have no clue if you're a sarcastic person or not.

 

Too much communication too fast will kill the spark and excitement before you even get that first date. You're not her boyfriend. She's not your girlfriend. Talking to her twice a day every day doesn't do anything but show her how available and into her you are. Maintain a little mystery and save some for when you see one another.

 

Set the date for when she's back in town. Then just talk sparingly leading up to it. Otherwise you're gonna show up and be wondering things like "was she mad at me the other day" "does she wanna be here?" Etc. don't ruin a good thing.

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All due respect I have to disagree here. Completely changing her emotional feeling/reaction to his text based of if "lol" or an emoji being involved just isn't logical.

 

The OP says in his post that she even told him flat out that she's thought about him and wishes she could see him. Nothing be said in those texts above was even remotely off putting or suggesting anything other than his interest in HER....

 

What I would agree on... Is that if in fact she some how was offput or pissed at any of his texts...then she's definitely a head case and will come with more headaches down the line.

 

At this point though I don't think that can be determined definitively. If he's had a crush on this girl this long then throwing it all away based on "lol" and "winking smiley face" is pretty brash and wasteful in my opinion.

 

She told him she liked him *before* his comment. I am telling you, his comment pissed her off. And her "wow, thanks" was not teasing, it was sarcasm....and not in a fun way.

 

Look I love bantering and teasing too, and if she were not so put off by him now, and clearly upset (his words), I would agree with you.

 

But I am a woman too and I know how some women think. The craziest things can set them off. One innocent comment meant as a compliment gets totally twisted completely out of proportion. Yes, crazy!

 

Like I said, I suspect she has had some bad experiences with players over the years .... juggling/crushing on multiple women.

 

When the OP wrote "you were *one* of my biggest crushes," she read it as *one of many* and alarm bells went off. Player! Based on her past experiences, I suspect.

 

I could be wrong, but I doubt it.

 

We can agree to disagree though.

Edited by katiegrl
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She told him she liked him *before* his comment. I am telling you, his comment pissed her off. And her "wow, thanks" was not teasing, it was sarcasm....and not in a fun way.

 

Look I love bantering and teasing too, and if she were not so put off by him now, and clearly upset (his words), I would agree with you.

 

But I am a woman too and I know how some women think. The craziest things can set them off. One innocent comment meant as a compliment gets totally twisted completely out of proportion. Yes, crazy!

 

Like I said, I suspect she has had some bad experiences with players over the years .... juggling/crushing on multiple women.

 

When the OP wrote "you were *one* of my biggest crushes," she read it as *one of many* and alarm bells went off. Player!

 

I could be wrong, but I doubt it.

 

We can agree to disagree though.

 

 

So then how do you explain her "that's what most guys say but are too chicken to follow through" comment?

 

That's a classic reverse daring technique a girl/guy would use to get something they want. "You won't kiss me" .... Umm yea I will actually.

She's messing around to keep him on his toes that's all.

 

You're making it sound like he said something so outlandish and insulting that she can stand behind as a reason to be mad. There's no shot she's that crazy based of 1 single text... A text that was literally a compliment towards her.

 

If a guy and a girl go out on a date and they each have an amazing time, food was great, convo was fun, they enjoyed each other's company. And at the end of the date the girl asks "so what do you think... Next week maybe we try margaritas". And the guy replies "I'll have to check my schedule... But I'm pretty sure we can make that work" .... Then she says "oh wow.. Thanks!" Or "pshh.. Cocky much? Forget it" .... Do you think that's the last time they'll speak and the attraction dies right there? That's flirting back and forth. Both of them like each other and were supporting getting together from everything that's been shown in the OP.

 

Nothing suggests she doesn't like him, want to see him follow through on the date.

 

If she is upset it's not because of the text. It's something else he said during the day or night conversation.

 

Keep in mind this all just happened in a matter of hours. I don't know why you want to suggest he write her off and definitively say she's pissed of because of prior relationships or issues in her life because of such a minute two worded response. If she was that pissed she wouldn't have talked to him the 2nd time.

 

 

If your crush of over 10 years was finally talking to you and showing you signs of interest... Would you let someone divert you from at least pursuing that 1 date if they gave the same advice to you that you have? I'd think after 10 years he's at least gonna give it a shot and set up a date with her in person before coming to a decision about her mindset and feelings about him.

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Qboro, I don't have time or energy to argue with you about it -- you are entitled to your opinion, as am I.

 

Yes, she thought about him over the years, she sent him a friend request, she obviously likes the guy, and told him that. ...but then he made the comment, which she completely misinterpreted .... felt insulted by it (like she expected that she should have been the only one he ever crushed on)...which makes absolutely NO sense to us and yes IS very crazy..... ......but given her actions *immediately* after he made the comment, not to mention her dry response thereto ..... she felt put off by it, probably assumes he is some sort of a player who crushes on multiple women ......and is proceeding with caution which includes acting cold and indifferent, just as the OP said she is behaving NOW.

 

Again, if you have a different opinion, that is fine! I respect your opinion and would appreciate your respecting mine.

 

Let's see how this all plays out ....we both could be wrong! :)

Edited by katiegrl
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I just read her response again.

 

"One? So you've had many crushes? Wow, thanks." With an ::eyeroll::

 

That was sarcasm, not teasing.

 

As I suspected the first time I read it, she was insulted. Yes I do believe she actually thought she should have been the only one he ever crushed on.

 

As CRAZY as that sounds! But some women are just weird, what can I say.

 

JMO!

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I just read her response again.

 

"One? So you've had many crushes? Wow, thanks." With an ::eyeroll::

 

That was sarcasm, not teasing.

 

As I suspected the first time I read it, she was insulted. Yes I do believe she actually thought she should have been the only one he ever crushed on.

 

As CRAZY as that sounds! But some women are just weird, what can I say.

 

JMO!

 

First of all I don't know why there can't be a back and forth of different opinions and views on a subject without you feeling like it's an argument. I preceded my first comment with a respectful tone even to establish that from the start. Nor have I said anything about you personally that would be taken negatively.

 

If I'm asking you to explain the sense behind your stance or pose a question about what you would do if you had the chance with a 10 year crush it's in order to 1. Try and see the logic in what you're saying 2. Point out that throwing it all away and deciding she's definitely crazy because she didn't say "Lol" and wasn't as energetic/psyched during their later convo... Might not be in the OP's best interest. After all... It's his life, his crush, his decision to make.

 

And if you read the OP again then you'd see there no "eyeroll" there. It ends with "wow thanks"... The eye roll is how you're reading it and hearing it in your perception. Could she have just as easily been smirking when she wrote it?

 

Plus you haven't explained how she could be teasing him with the comment before about "most guys chicken out in my experience" , yet then the last comment is the complete opposite. If she were irrationally crazy as you allege and expects him to only have had 1 crush on her this whole time, then how do you explain her being totally fine bringing up "most guys" when she references them chickening out after asking her on a date? It can't be both ways.

 

She very well could be mad or offput. All I'm saying is that it wasn't this text exchange that caused it. There's no information about what she said or why he feels she was feeling different in their later convo. No info about if that was via text or a phone call. Go with the info that's provided. If there was more evidence to support what you're saying other than "this girls completely crazy and flipped out because she's irrational over 1 text, trust me , I'm a girl" then I'd be all on board to believe it.

On the other hand I'm giving the Op and you things to consider before making such definitive conclusions. I don't know why it's so black and white and so absolutely sure to you that she's nuts and her should walk away... Where is the downside to following up with her and seeing how 1 in person date goes in your mind?

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Oh geez ....lol ....I interjected the eyeroll to suggest *that* was what she was thinking while responding the way she did.

 

Again, respect your opinion Qboro, but disagree. To me it's clear she was insulted, put off.

 

Him saying (or her interpretation thereof) that she was *one of many* crushes he's had, in her mind, did not make her feel *special*. To say she is over-sensitive is an understatement!

 

Yes OP, red flag for sure. High maintenance, over-sensitive among other things.

 

Looking forward to seeing how this plays out though....let us know!

 

Hopefully she will realize how silly she was acting, and y'all can start over.

 

Good luck!

Edited by katiegrl
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About 10 years ago I returned to my hometown from college to take a community college course over the summer and met a girl I was really into. I had a huge crush on her during class and we interacted a bit during that time, but I was in the process of getting out of a bad relationship so I didn't really "make any moves" since I'm not into cheating. We ended up parting ways once the course was over, but we def seemed into eachother at the time..

 

Anyways for years, I always wondered what happened to her, and would think "what if"...lucky me received a friend request from her the other day and we started talking a bit and she basically told me she still thinks about me a lot too, and wishes she could see me.

 

Tonight we were texting, this is how the convo went:

 

Me-I really want to take you out when you get back into town

Her- that's what most guys say but they are too chicken to keep their word

Me-you were one of my biggest crushes, trust me I'll keep my word

Her- one? So you had many crushes? Wow thanks..

 

Never heard back from her since. When we talked tonight she just overall seemed put off by me compared to when we talked earlier in the day..She was my biggest crush but I didn't want to tell her that and come off over eager and turn her off. I could tell she was upset though. I'm planning on calling her tomorrow. I personally feel like this is a big red flag...I mean if she's truly upset over that text message. What do you think?

 

Keep trying. She sounds like she has trouble trusting you, probably because she's not used to you yet, and doesn't know you.

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About 10 years ago I returned to my hometown from college to take a community college course over the summer and met a girl I was really into. I had a huge crush on her during class and we interacted a bit during that time, but I was in the process of getting out of a bad relationship so I didn't really "make any moves" since I'm not into cheating. We ended up parting ways once the course was over, but we def seemed into eachother at the time..

 

Anyways for years, I always wondered what happened to her, and would think "what if"...lucky me received a friend request from her the other day and we started talking a bit and she basically told me she still thinks about me a lot too, and wishes she could see me.

 

Tonight we were texting, this is how the convo went:

 

Me-I really want to take you out when you get back into town

Her- that's what most guys say but they are too chicken to keep their word

Me-you were one of my biggest crushes, trust me I'll keep my word

Her- one? So you had many crushes? Wow thanks..

 

Never heard back from her since. When we talked tonight she just overall seemed put off by me compared to when we talked earlier in the day..She was my biggest crush but I didn't want to tell her that and come off over eager and turn her off. I could tell she was upset though. I'm planning on calling her tomorrow. I personally feel like this is a big red flag...I mean if she's truly upset over that text message. What do you think?

 

Well, on the surface, it's not such a big deal IMO. But,

 

She was my biggest crush but I didn't want to tell her that and come off over eager and turn her off. -- Tempering the statement the way you did, turned her off too. Either you tell her you had a big crush on her way back when or you don't mention it. I personally wouldn't want to be lumped in with a "herd" of crushes either. If you are trying to point out that she made an impression on you and to this day, you still think about her, say that. I kinda get why it put her off a little. But, I do think she's over reacting.

 

I'm just saying, you were trying to be honest while manipulating it and it came off as insincere and, in a way, maybe, back handed. I can't put my finger on it, but it made me cringe a tiny bit.

 

I don't see any harm in calling her, but I wouldn't mention it first. Just talk a little and see how things go. If she seems calmed down, ask her out for a drink. She did say she wanted to see you before all this. It's really just a misunderstanding and a tiny faux paux that should be forgiveable. She just had a knee jerk reaction.

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Eternal Sunshine

That sounds like something I would teasingly say.

 

NO way she was offended by that. Maybe she is disappointed because she expected a funny comeback but you failed to deliver :lmao:

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MJM

 

Its life. You can't go through not pissing anyone off. More so the people you date and live with. It might be you leave the loo seat up or put the milk in the wrong spot in the fridge...

 

Just let it go. Tell her when you are taking her out, take her out, see how you get on then go from there.

 

Do not worry about annoying people when you were obviously trying to pay a compliment! Just let it waft over your head and don't worry about it. If she takes stuff like that to heart then I am afraid there is a reason why she is single and its because she is overly demanding and emotional...

 

She was challenging you and her response was not very mature or lady like... Just saying. But what the heck. We all make mistakes...

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She likes him to the point that any hint or mention of other women will get to her. "Wow thanks" She was both playing and being slightly upset at the same time. She'll get over it. If she doesn't, then she's the type of crazy you don't want to deal with...

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This is a case that demonstrates that texting is just bad form for developing a relationship. A couple of simple words from both parties, without seeing/hearing inflection/intent, etc., can be interpreted a couple of ways and depending on the person, could be interpreted negatively and thus sets off perhaps an unnecessary odyssey of "repair" and mental and emotional gymnastics. Pick up the damn phone and use your voices . . . texting is for pussies :)JMO

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That sounds like something I would teasingly say.

 

:

 

Yeah I hear ya ....me too!

 

Cept my response (and I would think most women who were teasing) would have made it clear I was teasing...

 

"Hmmm, I was *one* of your biggest crushes? Wow, you get around, I guess, huh...thanks a lot!! :) Lol"

 

And I would have kept the banter going, not cut it off, and then acted all put off when I talked to him again.....as she is doing now.

 

Agree with truth seeker. She *really* likes him, and got a bit jealous at the thought he actually crushes on other girls besides her (oh the horror!)....threw in some sarcasm to reflect that.

 

Texting is so ambiguous! It is really hard to detect humor, teasing and even sarcasm via text messaging, which is why they invented the LOL, hehe, emojos, emoticons, etc.

 

To reflect our emotions via text.

 

When there aren't any of those things present reflecting emotion, a response sounds flat and often hard to read.

Edited by katiegrl
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