Teknoe Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 I met a really sweet, nice girl today for a first date. She's down to earth and gentle, although sure first impressions can be deceiving. But I got pretty good vibes from her. There are, however, a few quirks about her that could be identified as flags. Just not sure how much of a dealbreaker they are. At the very least, I'd like to date her again. First of all, she lives about 90 minutes away. Which isn't exactly the worst thing in the world (hey it could be 3 hours, or 6, right?) but when you factor in the fact that she feels uncomfortable driving on the freeway (she's early 30s BTW), that means if I want to see her I'd have to drive up 90 minutes. Or at least, drive 45-50 minutes if we want to meet halfway and she takes public transportation. The reason for her fear she said is she reacts slower than normal and thus driving on 3+ lane highways can easily trigger anxiety attacks. Other things to note: -Super cautious (a product of how she was raised) -Admittedly not ambitious I feel like I can deal with the two things above, but the driving thing and the distance is what's bugging me right now. I'm not sure she has long term potential but a 2nd date never killed anyone, right? Anyway, thoughts or comments are welcomed. Other than these quirks, I enjoyed the date and she really is a sweet little lady. We seemed to have pretty decent chemistry, and she has a cute smile. She felt at ease around me and vice versa. I could see us, at the least, as being very good friends. Link to post Share on other sites
TheFinalWord Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 I met a really sweet, nice girl today for a first date. She's down to earth and gentle, although sure first impressions can be deceiving. But I got pretty good vibes from her. There are, however, a few quirks about her that could be identified as flags. Just not sure how much of a dealbreaker they are. At the very least, I'd like to date her again. First of all, she lives about 90 minutes away. Which isn't exactly the worst thing in the world (hey it could be 3 hours, or 6, right?) but when you factor in the fact that she feels uncomfortable driving on the freeway (she's early 30s BTW), that means if I want to see her I'd have to drive up 90 minutes. Or at least, drive 45-50 minutes if we want to meet halfway and she takes public transportation. The reason for her fear she said is she reacts slower than normal and thus driving on 3+ lane highways can easily trigger anxiety attacks. Other things to note: -Super cautious (a product of how she was raised) -Admittedly not ambitious I feel like I can deal with the two things above, but the driving thing and the distance is what's bugging me right now. I'm not sure she has long term potential but a 2nd date never killed anyone, right? Anyway, thoughts or comments are welcomed. Other than these quirks, I enjoyed the date and she really is a sweet little lady. We seemed to have pretty decent chemistry, and she has a cute smile. She felt at ease around me and vice versa. I could see us, at the least, as being very good friends. Nobody's perfect. You barely know anything about her. Go on a few dates. Recommend to focus on trying to have fun instead of looking for reasons to reject her. Don't take the early stages so seriously. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetgirl28 Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 Other things to note: -Super cautious (a product of how she was raised) -Admittedly not ambitious I feel like I can deal with the two things above, but the driving thing and the distance is what's bugging me right now. I'm not sure she has long term potential but a 2nd date never killed anyone, right? Anyway, thoughts or comments are welcomed. Other than these quirks, I enjoyed the date and she really is a sweet little lady. We seemed to have pretty decent chemistry, and she has a cute smile. She felt at ease around me and vice versa. I could see us, at the least, as being very good friends. Are you willing to be with someone who is super cautious and who is not ambitious? If the answer is yes, then go for it. However, remember that these are quite fundamental character traits that may cause friction later on. She has already made it clear that she doesn't want to drive far to see you. Maybe meet somewhere in between? Are you willing to drive to her town for every date? Just some thoughts. If this doesn't work out romantically, at least you'll have a new friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Teknoe Posted January 25, 2016 Author Share Posted January 25, 2016 Are you willing to be with someone who is super cautious and who is not ambitious? If the answer is yes, then go for it. However, remember that these are quite fundamental character traits that may cause friction later on. She has already made it clear that she doesn't want to drive far to see you. Maybe meet somewhere in between? Are you willing to drive to her town for every date? Just some thoughts. If this doesn't work out romantically, at least you'll have a new friend. I'm okay with her being not overly ambitious. The super cautious trait is more worrisome to me although better super cautious than reckless. Her friends are currently helping her to battle her freeway driving fears. I am unsure if I want to drive 185 miles both ways each time to see her. Halfway is our second date. She will be using public transportation. Yeah, get to know her slowly and enjoy the process. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Teknoe Posted January 25, 2016 Author Share Posted January 25, 2016 Nobody's perfect. You barely know anything about her. Go on a few dates. Recommend to focus on trying to have fun instead of looking for reasons to reject her. Don't take the early stages so seriously. I'm really trying not to. I like her and want to give her a legit chance. As she opened up on the date she seemed cuter and cuter. Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 If you're already worried about the distance a date in (amongst other things), a cute smile, even one that gets cuter as dates go by, won't cut it. No point in giving her a fair chance if your heart's already not in it, IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
soph-walker Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 If you're already worried about the distance a date in (amongst other things), a cute smile, even one that gets cuter as dates go by, won't cut it. No point in giving her a fair chance if your heart's already not in it, IMO. I disagree with this. So much dating nowadays involves writing someone off before you even know them a halfway decent amount. We expect to base relationship compatibility on being in someone's company for a couple of hours? C'mon... Granted, there's 90 minutes between you..meet at a halfway point? I wouldn't be looking too deeply into how compatible you are just yet, not until you've been around her a few times; take into consideration that there are many factors in getting to know a person properly. To me, super cautious = she thinks before she leaps - this is often a good trait and like you say, much better this than irrational/acting on impulse. Lack of ambition...in what way? Financially/job-wise? Not bothered about leaving the house? She will have a subject of passion...find out what this is and I'm sure this would change your mind. Wishing you luck... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Teknoe Posted January 25, 2016 Author Share Posted January 25, 2016 I disagree with this. So much dating nowadays involves writing someone off before you even know them a halfway decent amount. We expect to base relationship compatibility on being in someone's company for a couple of hours? C'mon... Granted, there's 90 minutes between you..meet at a halfway point? I wouldn't be looking too deeply into how compatible you are just yet, not until you've been around her a few times; take into consideration that there are many factors in getting to know a person properly. To me, super cautious = she thinks before she leaps - this is often a good trait and like you say, much better this than irrational/acting on impulse. Lack of ambition...in what way? Financially/job-wise? Not bothered about leaving the house? She will have a subject of passion...find out what this is and I'm sure this would change your mind. Wishing you luck... Thanks. I generally agree with you. Besides, a few dates never killed anyone. I believe she's worth seeing again because we did connect on a pretty decent level. She's been using online dating for a year but saying no to most guys out of fear of meeting up (super cautious) but said yes to me because of my friendly smile. I felt pretty honored that I am the first online person she's felt comfortable enough to meet up with. She lacks ambition in the job area. She works admin at the local college and is fine doing that. Her previous ex pushed her to get her Ph.D. but she was content doing admin work. As for a point of passion, she admitted to me she's never had that one thing she's been passionate about. So yeah. The last girl I dated was a bit insane. It's at least nice to meet someone sane and gentle, at the very least. Link to post Share on other sites
Httm Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 I'd never date someone anywhere near that far away. I'd want someone who could eventually be in my life on a regular basis. 90 minutes is insane. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
soph-walker Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 Thanks. I generally agree with you. Besides, a few dates never killed anyone. I believe she's worth seeing again because we did connect on a pretty decent level. She's been using online dating for a year but saying no to most guys out of fear of meeting up (super cautious) but said yes to me because of my friendly smile. I felt pretty honored that I am the first online person she's felt comfortable enough to meet up with. She lacks ambition in the job area. She works admin at the local college and is fine doing that. Her previous ex pushed her to get her Ph.D. but she was content doing admin work. As for a point of passion, she admitted to me she's never had that one thing she's been passionate about. So yeah. The last girl I dated was a bit insane. It's at least nice to meet someone sane and gentle, at the very least. Welcome:) Could it be she genuinely enjoys her job? Ambition/drive is something important to me so I can identify with your mention of it...but I don't see how it would adversely impact on any romantic involvement, unless you're looking for a sugamama:cool: (I jest) Stay open minded, if after a couple more dates you genuinely feel you're not interested, then you can act accordingly. No time wasted. Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 I have always disliked the use of ambition in relationships if she likes her job just how it is then good for her, it took abmitibion to get there she doesnt need to change it for anyone. But when ppl date and say oh they lack ambitions after barely knowing them to me its secretly"oh so they won't be making more money later" if shes happy in her work why does she need to change her status. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 I'd never date someone anywhere near that far away. I'd want someone who could eventually be in my life on a regular basis. 90 minutes is insane. I question the distance. OP is the one to make the effort to go see her. For all we know she could be dating guys around town and he has no idea. She can have her cake and eat it, too. I'm not a fan of LDR. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 (edited) I disagree with this. So much dating nowadays involves writing someone off before you even know them a halfway decent amount. We expect to base relationship compatibility on being in someone's company for a couple of hours? C'mon... Granted, there's 90 minutes between you..meet at a halfway point? I wouldn't be looking too deeply into how compatible you are just yet, not until you've been around her a few times; take into consideration that there are many factors in getting to know a person properly. To me, super cautious = she thinks before she leaps - this is often a good trait and like you say, much better this than irrational/acting on impulse. Lack of ambition...in what way? Financially/job-wise? Not bothered about leaving the house? She will have a subject of passion...find out what this is and I'm sure this would change your mind. Wishing you luck... Ambition + super cautious are side issues but while feelings develop, the distance won't change. Bypassing the issue now is naive at best, inconsiderate at wirst. Someone will need to move closer to the other one eventually, and the fact that OP has already raised the issue himself is, both IME and IMO, something to think about both for her sake and his. People have handled bigger distances for a long period of time because it never mattered to them from the start. That isn't the impression OP is giving. Edited January 25, 2016 by PrettyEmily77 Link to post Share on other sites
Reitteg813 Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 I'd never date someone anywhere near that far away. I'd want someone who could eventually be in my life on a regular basis. 90 minutes is insane. Last girl I was with lived 90 minutes away. I didn't mind it, but on the drive home after only our second date I was really questioning whether I could see my self making that drive regularly. And prior to that date she was pretty unsure about it. She said its far less than ideal but we can give it a shot. And we did, when she came to my house I think it took her even a bit longer. Based off the distance, her future job, my upcoming job, and how busy we'd be, the distance would have highly likely ended things anyways Just to relate to the OP, red flag I saw on that first date with her is that she said she curses a lot. Which is a HUGE turn off for me. Makes the person, male or female, look so trashy and unintelligent. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 I personally wouldn't date someone who lives that far away, especially if I was always going to have to be the one to make the trip. That's a lot of driving. And you will only get to see her on the weekends because after work on week nights will not be feasible. Nope. Link to post Share on other sites
Reitteg813 Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 I personally wouldn't date someone who lives that far away, especially if I was always going to have to be the one to make the trip. That's a lot of driving. And you will only get to see her on the weekends because after work on week nights will not be feasible. Nope. True. When I was seeing this girl that lived 1.5 hours away it was already tough. Second time we hung out I didn't get to her house till like almost 9PM, stayed till about 1 AM, she had to be up at 5 AM so it was rough. Sometimes I'd spend almost just as much time driving as the amount of time we did hanging out. Only way it would really work is if we spent an entire weekend together and slept over at one anothers houses. And with our work schedules, that wouldn't even work. I'll never attempt to date someone that far away again. When I punched her address into my phone I literally said "shiit" out loud when I saw the time of arrival lol Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 If you think she might be worth it go on another date and get to know her more. My personal rule is I don't date long distance (that would be for me) as I want to see the person on a day to day basis and how they handle things life throws at them. I believe if I had done this with an ex I wouldn't had moved to be with him or stayed with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Reitteg813 Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 If you think she might be worth it go on another date and get to know her more. My personal rule is I don't date long distance (that would be for me) as I want to see the person on a day to day basis and how they handle things life throws at them. Very very good point I never thought of. But if you think shes worth a shot go for it. I actually would say go for it. Since I'd hate to look back on a situation you're in and think "what if" Link to post Share on other sites
Robratory Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 Ninety miles is a long way to drive, but if you don't live in a densely populated area, that's just how it is. If you get into a weekend routine, where you drive up Friday after work and return Sunday afternoon, it shouldn't feel too burdensome. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Teknoe Posted January 27, 2016 Author Share Posted January 27, 2016 So I texted her about a second meeting and she said sure. I offered a date and 12 hours later she responds: Hi, sorry who is this? Just kidding I can't, I will be hanging with my friends. Let me get back to you on our next meeting. Been running around all day, still running. Ttyl So that's that. I said someone got jokes, haha. Ok no prob ttyl. So the ball is in her court. Link to post Share on other sites
Reitteg813 Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 So I texted her about a second meeting and she said sure. I offered a date and 12 hours later she responds: Hi, sorry who is this? Just kidding I can't, I will be hanging with my friends. Let me get back to you on our next meeting. Been running around all day, still running. Ttyl So that's that. I said someone got jokes, haha. Ok no prob ttyl. So the ball is in her court. Don't text/call her at all until she initiates contact. If she wants to see you, you will hear from her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Teknoe Posted January 27, 2016 Author Share Posted January 27, 2016 Don't text/call her at all until she initiates contact. If she wants to see you, you will hear from her. Yup already had that planned. Not sure if she is still interested or genuinely busy, but her actions going forward will tell the tale Link to post Share on other sites
Author Teknoe Posted January 28, 2016 Author Share Posted January 28, 2016 So I got out of the gym last night and saw she texted me. The preview said hey tek, I thought about... And I knew she was going to end things. Sure enough she said she has her doubts about meeting new people and dating and if it's the right timing. She didn't want to waste my time and said we should cancel a second meeting. She then said it was nice meeting and talking and she wishes the very best for me. I feel a bit stung but also relieved. Wasn't massively attracted to her, she seemed overly conservative and can't drive on the freeway. She lives 90 minutes away. So it all works out in the end. I am a bit perplexed though in that our date seemed to go pretty well. Not sure why she really didn't like me enough to want to see again. Is it my hang ups or hers? Does this reflect on me? Or on her? Oh well. Dating can be so dang hard... Link to post Share on other sites
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