Jealousy and Where it Comes From

[cottom]

For the TL DR crew skip to next comment i sum it up

 

When she was at uni she made friends with a girl (complete drug addict, alcoholic, daddy in jail wreck) she got into this drugs and drinking every night going clubbing and staying out 24 hours, festivals of drugs and black out drinking etc. They both said when they leave uni they will move in together in London so they can carry on this life and be in the capital city.

 

She then met me, i moved to a new town 2 years ago for work, life is literally just work and then home on the weekends to see friends. We met a month or so after she finished uni. Ive always been chill with mates and drink and have a laugh watch a film or chat. I cant stand the drug crowd cause its just idiots in clubs standing in a toilet cubicle grinding their jaw off thinking theyre dancing to the music but just looking like idiots (plus a few people i know overdosed). With past gfs ive enjoyed going out on occasion but i also really enjoyed the chill at home, make some cocktails and have a fun saturday night watching crappy films with snacks.

 

We met and have been together 6 months, i told her what i thought about drugs and she went from im being controlling saying its a huge turn off, to she doesnt do them and has no interest in them. I also said it clearly, she wants to move to London and live their forever, i live 200 miles away and my job is a permanent job, it cost £100/$160 to get to each other on the train. Our relationshio for the rest of our lives will be over text and never seeing each other. There is no relationship if she moves its over.

 

She said she would stay here and choose me over them because she doesnt want to lose me. She never told her friend this plan change "because she didnt want to hurt her feelings" so they still talk about moving etc and looking a place. Last week i saw a message to her friend after we argued saying "i cant wait to move, i miss drugs, i miss clubs". This added to whenever she sees any friends she gets absolutly wasted and stays out all night, despite having work early or having to be up early the next day.

 

Where i live and work there is a few clubs but a £50/$80 taxi ride away. There is also a local pub attached to a supermarket that is full of families eating etc so cant really go out get drunk etc. I see what she does with her friends and all the fun times she goes on about while drinking in the past and think thats what she wants so when i see her i suggest we have a drink and chill or something. She always says no and she just sits there and i sit there paranoid that shes bored because 2 days prior she was out till 5am with friends despite having to be up at 8 for a train. All im trying to do is give her a bits of this life that she lived with her friends that she doesnt have now without travelling 200 miles to visit them at their homes in London.

 

She is so hostile to me now though ever since she chose me over moving away, she argues over every little thing, she calls me a bully and controlling because i said it wont work out if she moves to London between us. When i point out that we would have an entirely online relationship texting each other only and never seeing each other for the rest of our lives. I tell her that since growing up ive wanted the normal life, meet a girl, make her my wife, get a pet, start a family, buy a house and grow up having a happy life. She goes off saying "exactly, you dont want me, you want someone to live like that with" and "you just want a gf close by, you dont care if its me otherwise youd stay with me while i live and work in london"

 

Earlier today she said she resents me because its my fault shes lost friends and lost all those job opportunities for a graduate (she failed her photography degree due to drink and drugs instead of attending).

 

I literally dont know what to do, i try and bring reason to it and say were not children running away and if it fails im waiting with arms open wide. Thats just a case of GIG syndrome. I try and bring the life of what she always said was fun to her and she has a go saying we should just break up because i cant stand being around her sober, i try and explain that im trying to give her the fun she used to have before and isnt living now im around, she argues saying to end it because i clearly cant get over her drug abuse in the past (i didnt even mention drugs, i simply said everything you miss in the past).

 

Im at a loss herr

[cottom]

Gf was gonna move to London with her alcoholic deug addict best friend to carry on living that life like they did at uni till she finished last year. Its 200 miles from me and she didnt plan on returning, i told her itd be the end of us. She chose me, i try to go have some fun, drink etc with her like she did 24/7 at uni or everytime she ever sees her friends (im all alone here, i moved here on my own for work so she is all i have to do stuff with to). She just argues over everything 24/7 since saying she chooses to stay with me. She told me earlier she resents me for losing her friends and job opportunities. She has no job opportunities there she failed her degree in photography because of drug and drink abuse. She is losing a friend that uses her to justify her own drug addiction and alcoholism and by moving their she was walking straight back into that lifestyle so there are no job opportunities.

[cottom]

Cottom: It was me or move to london there is nothing to compromose

Have an online relationship

And live in london

Thats the compromise

When will we see each other?

What will i have here except a gf that lives 200 miles away

 

Her: Yeah exactly

Youre never willing to compromise

You want me to give up everything cus you cant be ****ed to have a girlfriend that doesnt live under your nose

You just want me here or not at all

Maybe i wouldnt resent you if you werent so controlling about it. Youre so unwilling to compromise and anytime theres something you dont like you say dont do it or we break up

So yes you have basically forced me into doing nothing that i had always wanted to do

 

Cottom: So ive gone from growing up wanting a life with a wife, a family, a steady career and my own home

To having a gf i have to save up to visit with no family nothing to show for my hard work

And a relationship that is by text only

 

Her: Yeah exactly youre just proving my point

You want a wife

You dont care who that is

You might aswell pick someone else

[preraph]

Just tell her to go. Her staying is not going to work out. Sorry.

[Satu]

Her childish behaviour has pushed you into relating to her from the parent mode. She's an unruly teenager mentally, and you've become good old Dad trying to talk 'sense' into her.

 

Give it up, wrap it up, and move on.

[cottom]

Latest text conversation:

 

Her: At the end of the day you have to take responsibilty for what youve done. Im sorry that you dont like me saying i resent you but the truth of the matter is that anytime it comes to a big decision you threaten to break up with me until you get your way and then im the one left having to change what i wanted while youre happy as larry

 

Me: Theres only one big decision that was you moving away

I didnt threaten you i simply stated the fact we wont be together if you do

 

Her: Yeah as in youre only interested in me if im local to you

How thoughtful and caring of you

 

Me: You seem to have the opinion that i will always be standing here waiting for you in case it doesnt all work out for you and you come back

Like nothings changed

Except you gave up our relaionship to try and move away for ever

 

Her: Who said i gave it up?

Youre the one who wont even try and be with me if i dont live here

 

Me: By moving away you are

You havent told me how it will work out

What will we do yo try and make it work out

 

Her: Your happy to go off to portsmouth or reading and expect me to wait for yiu

****ing hypocritical

 

Me: You mean the job role i turned down where im home every weekend

Where i finish and return after 4 weeks

Not forever

Not gone for life and never seeing you again

[cottom]

Her childish behaviour has pushed you into relating to her from the parent mode. She's an unruly teenager mentally, and you've become good old Dad trying to talk 'sense' into her.

 

Give it up, wrap it up, and move on.

 

 

It is this, she seems she can have it all her way, play around and do what she wants and when she comes back jobless, broke and her life in ruins ill be sat there waiting at the train station like "its okay we all make mistakes come on back to mine ill take care of you"

[ExpatInItaly]

Frankly speaking, this relationship is already over.

[Redhead14]

She is a petulent child who wants to do whatever SHE wants to do. You were standing in her way????? In the way of what? -- watching her go down a drunken, drug ridden slide into a mental and emotional abyss that dragged you down with her.

 

Move on and don't look back.

[cottom]

And now shes calling me selfish for putting her in the position where she has to choose between me or moving 200 miles away by not saying ill stay with her and work it out as it happens

[cottom]

She is a petulent child who wants to do whatever SHE wants to do. You were standing in her way????? In the way of what? -- watching her go down a drunken, drug ridden slide into a mental and emotional abyss that dragged you down with her.

 

Move on and don't look back.

 

Shes making me out to be the petulant child having it my way of having a partner right here or ending it. And i keep letting myself think maybe shes right here, is she?

 

 

 

I wish i could but i have a holiday booked £1600 im not willing to lose her half of that money by ending it that 1600 is a month wages means ive slaved a month away for nothing

[ExpatInItaly]

Shes making me out to be the petulant child having it my way of having a partner right here or ending it. And i keep letting myself think maybe shes right here, is she?

 

 

 

I wish i could but i have a holiday booked £1600 im not willing to lose her half of that money by ending it that 1600 is a month wages means ive slaved a month away for nothing

 

You can't find a friend to take her place?

 

Because this isn't going to change and it's not going to work out for you two. You're so not right for each other at all.

[Redhead14]

Shes making me out to be the petulant child having it my way of having a partner right here or ending it. And i keep letting myself think maybe shes right here, is she?

 

 

 

I wish i could but i have a holiday booked £1600 im not willing to lose her half of that money by ending it that 1600 is a month wages means ive slaved a month away for nothing

 

Shes making me out to be the petulant child -- An the thought pattern/rationale/maturity level of a drug addled mind is giving you cause for pause?

 

And, either way, you will have wasted 1600 on a holiday spent with someone you're "fighting" with and who seems to have no regard for you and prefers getting drunk and stoned with her "friends" rather than attend to her education and boyfriend. I doubt you'll enjoy the trip anyway. She'd probably hook up with a bunch of other people there and ignore you anyway. Write the money off. Go on the trip and have a blast!!!!

[brothers343]

This reminds me of that song (drugs or jesus) most people choose drugs.....I have been there, early in my teens. Thanks god I went to the military. It saved me. This relationship already looks doomed. Your trying to put a stop on the inevitable train thats coming. You say yourself that you really have no relationship. Having a long distance relationship is not a relationship (my opinion of course ). Your paying 200 hundred dollars to see someone that you are not fully commited too. You need to understand that she's probably more commited to the dope than she is to you. I would use all that time and money your spending on meeting someone that doesn't treat you like a junkie having withdraws. And that's what you are right now.

[Chi townD]

Wow....dude, just let her go. It's obvious that she would rather choose London over you. And she hates the fact that you don't approve of it. And to be honest, I don't blame you. I love London, and I'm going to be there within the year for a Holiday. Nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there. WAY TOO EXPENSIVE! If you're not a banker or stock broker, then forget having a really nice place you can afford. Or you're going to have to get a place with 4 OTHER ROOMATES just to make rent!

 

 

So, just tell her to go! Her friend is going to get her strung out on drugs and the partying lifestyle, probably in trouble with the cops. But, that's what she wants! So, tell her if she resents you, then you'll relieve her of that burden and say goodbye. If she puts up and argument, just say, "Look, it's obvious we both want different things out of life. And if you're not happy, then go! I'm not stopping you."

[kgcolonel]

Cottom....I had a very similar situation many years ago....My GF of 18 months and i were celebrating my birthday...in my dorm room, if you get the picture. The phone rings and it is her GF asking if she wants to go get pizza with her and the soccer guys. She covers the phone and asks me, on my birthday mind you if i would mind if she goes (did not invite me). I thougth for a second and told her that she should be where she wanted to be....I am no charity case and did not want to hold someone against their will. She left and we broke up 2 days later.

 

When is your holiday scheduled? Could you find a replacement to go with you if she didn't go? What would you do if she were to come up sick and couldn't go with you? I can't really see you having that good of a time with here knowing that she is arguing constantly and resenting you.

 

If you didn't have the holiday paid for, what would you do here????

[Chi townD]

And now shes calling me selfish for putting her in the position where she has to choose between me or moving 200 miles away by not saying ill stay with her and work it out as it happens

 

 

I would just tell her that you're not being selfish, "This is a choice you have to make for yourself, I have nothing to do with that. If you want to go, then go! But, I have to get on with my life. Plus, why would you want to be with someone you resent? That doesn't make sense to me. And how am I being selfish if I'm telling you to go?"

[Satu]

No matter what happens, she's going to resent you.

 

Not because of you and anything you've done, but because of her, and who she is.

 

This is the perfect place to get off the bus.

[preraph]

Her childish behaviour has pushed you into relating to her from the parent mode. She's an unruly teenager mentally, and you've become good old Dad trying to talk 'sense' into her.

 

Give it up, wrap it up, and move on.

 

Satu makes a good point. Once you enter parent/child territory, it's no longer a romance.

[cottom]

Ive had many gfs in the past ranging from a few months to a couple years, im 23 now they all ended in cheating on the girls part. The standard way, get chatting to a guy online or get stupid drunk in a club or meet up with a mate and she brings some guys over and then a fling starts.

 

Ive never cheated and i never would, it has destroyed me and my confidence and my trust so much before and i know how much it takes to build it back up.

 

Anyway, forgetting what happened in my other thread, pretending that never happened. A gf of half a year who i spend practically my whole time when im not in work has massive trust issues.

 

She had a bf for 6 months when she was 17 and then throughout uni met a load of guys and that was it. Im her second proper bf and her first bf since being an adult.

 

Once a fortnight i go home to my parents for the weekend one night. I get my washing done and deal with any business down there, ill occasionaly see my friends (i have no friends where i live, just work) and we go out on the night.

 

A few months ago when discussing someone i know cheating on his gf i said i"ts sad that so many people goes out cheating and nobody would find out. Like you could kiss a guy in a club but all your friends will keep it secret from me to protect you" to which she responded "yeah and so could you" "yeah i know but ive never cheated ive had it done so much i couldnt put someone through that pain". End of conversation. That conversation has now been the base of every argument we have revolving around trust issues.

 

1) im planning to stay in, i get a call from a mate who had booked a limo for his gf who broke up with him and asking if i wanted to go for a ride. I do. We get out in the town where i bump into 2 really old friends and 2 girls they work with. I spend the night with them in a bar, we have a group photo taken together on my phone.

 

Result- gf still brings this up to this day saying how its because of this she doesnt trust me. I told her exactly what was happening but because these girls followed me on instagram and i followed back it meant im cheating.

 

2) i was in a department store and saw two dancing toys in a club a man and a pig, i put the two together and recorded them with the caption (guys in a club when the lights come on). A friend commented on it saying "haha its you mate :')"

 

Result - this is obviously what i do in clubs and is still argued about 2 months later over how unfaithful i am because why else would my friend message that.

 

3) christmas eve, im ridiculously ill in bed but all my mates decide to go for a meal last minute, i tag along.

 

Result - im a blatant liar because i said i was staying in not going out. Clearly because girls are involved etc.

 

4) after the meal one of my mates who is driving decided we should go to a bar against everyones wishes so pulls up. It turns out this girl he is obsessed with was in there and he was just trying to cosy up to her.

 

Result - i clearly wanted to go out to stalk this girl (who 2 of my friends ****ed, another kissed and another is desperate for).

 

5) I bumped into my old gym partner in a club, she lives on the back of my parents house. I say hi but i gotta run my mates calling me over. Later on i lose all my mates and end up walking around on my own, i find they all went to get some drugs so i fb message this girl to see if shes still out so im not standing along. She never replied.

 

Result - just at seeing the message she flipped out that i had messaged a girl in a club and started screaming, i knew it would get worse if i told her the truth so i said its a girl my mates seeing to get hold of him (that was with me in the club who didnt have a phone with him which is true). Just the fact that i messaged a girl my mate was seeing to get hold of him was enough to send her into a massive rage, god forbid she knew it was an old friend of mine who i used to train with.

 

6) I apparently liked a girls photo that im friends with on instagram before i had even met my gf

 

Result - screaming at me, i purposefully avoid liking any girls photos so i dont look like a beg but the fact its a girl who is obseased with me made it worse that she went through all this girls photos and found a bikini photo and went on all the likes and saw my name in their, a picture from before i met my gf, next time she went on the like wasnt there which made it worse for me because id so obviously removed it.

 

7) a girl that is in our friend group back home who fancied me but went out with my mate who i think is really ugly invited me and my gf to her birthday, we was going on holiday the day after so turned it down.

 

Result - im clearly doing it because i dont want my gf to meet girls i had a "thing" with at home because there is clearly something going on. This girl is going out with another of my good mates!

 

I dont know where any of this comes from, she left a guy she was seeing at uni because he wasnt all that she thought he was apparently because he wore a t shirt saying show us your boobs or something similar.

 

As a side note, her parents got together at 14 and 17. They had a daughter at 15 and 18, they had this daughter at 16 and 19 and then a son at 34 and 37. The mom is apparently jealous and argues with her husband even if he is going to his moms house to visit.

 

Thoughts?

[cottom]

On her side of things i dont care at all about that come to mind right now

 

I looked over when she was on her phone and saw a fb message to a guy saying haha "i can see you" and then a crafty shot from a window of a guy standing on a street corner. I didnt care who he was or what the message said but she saw me look and said "hes gay" in a defence. Meh not bothered im not threatened.

Next time im with her she shows me this guys fb to show me his really ugly gf. Still not bothered she said he was gay but apparently hes not and shes judging his gf as really ugly. Who cares, i dont i trust it.

 

She told me she couldnt be bothered to go out we was going out at 8am the next day she wanted a full night sleep but her friend invited her, she said she may aswell go for one. The next day i find shed been out till 5am and she was telling me about all theae guys that was there such as the guy who really thinks hes a model and the guy who keeps adding her on facebook, she went out and met this group of guys her friend knows and spent till 5am in a bar with them all and her mate and her mates bf. I don care im not threatened by them.

[Robratory]

Well, she has issues. Maybe she'll be a different person at forty, after five years of therapy. As you noticed, at least some of her behavior is modeled after her mother's.

 

You're not going to change her. In your case, I would sit down at talk with her. I would make sure she understood I was not the cheating kind, and that if I become unhappy, I'll break up with her before going after another girl. I would then lay it down that I would tolerate no more drama, no more scenes, no more screaming. Sadly, this is only so she can't call herself blindsided when you break up with her six weeks later after she throws another tantrum. You can then say without any qualms, "I told you I'd break up with you if you screamed at me again, and so I'm breaking up with you."

 

Edit: after reading your second post, my advice is that you should dump her. Life's too short to be around women like that.

[cottom]

Everytime i try and talk to her and explain that i dont cheat and i wouldnt, even in revenge i wouldnt lower myself to cheating. Shealways replies with those examples i used above as to why she doesnt trust me.

 

 

Edit: i know i shouldnt have lied about the gym girl and passed her off as a friends gf but it caused an argument like that imagibe the argument it would have cause if she knew the truth.

 

Shes coming to another mates gf party at my home in 2 weeks and this mate will be there with his actual girl hes meeting. So i said that the two of them had broken up like a few weeks ago because he wanted to be more serious with this other girl. Just so when she meets her the lie doesnt become exposed. She flipped out that i clearly only messaged this girl hes not even serious with because i want to talk to girls behind her back. She then told me to not talk to her for a few days, she then called me while i was in the shower, i came out to a text saying how im a coward and cant face talking to her about it. I simply said "im not going to talk to you until you calm down and we can talk properly, ill speak, youll shout over me because youve convinced yourself im cheating, ill shout over you to get you to listen and then lose my temper being accused constantly. Ive never cheated, id never cheat. Ill talk to you when your calm."...no reply as of yet.

[preraph]

Well, plenty of guys will swear on their mothers' graves they won't and don't cheat -- and then expect you to wait patiently at home while they're out doing just that. Jealousy is about lack of trust and insecurity. If you're with someone long enough and there's nothing to put your antennae up (like those disappearing acts you keep doing with your buddies), then trust should develop. But if a person has a lot of insecurity, it is very hard to get their trust. I think what you have here is both problems. Not sure you can get past it. Doesn't sound like much fun. Love shouldn't be that hard.

[cottom]

If you're with someone long enough and there's nothing to put your antennae up (like those disappearing acts you keep doing with your buddies), then trust should develop.

 

Those disappearing acts with my buddies are me going to my parents for the weekend like i do every 2 weeks 100 miles away while she cant because she works. She went to London with her mom on tuesday, met a friend, was going to have a quick chat then come home, ended up getting absolutly wasted and didnt get home till the next day. I found out half hour after she should have been on the train home but i didnt complain i said i hope she has fun. I cant stand this friend, she constantly tries to force us apart from her home 200 miles away to keep my gf single so shes not the only one alone. But i dont complain.