Jump to content

issues with my BF ugh


tuxedo cat

Recommended Posts

I was super into him but we had a conversation last night that kind of repulsed me and makes me wonder if I should break it off. We've been together a month and a half. It was one of those moments where I thought to myself, "whyyyy, dude...I was liking you so much." He confessed that he has/had a porn addiction which has desensitized him a little to sex. :sick: Also, two of his exes were what he calls "tramps" - one was a stripper, the other he claims was just really slutty. I'm not sure if they could be called exes because he said he never committed to them but they dated for a few weeks-months. From what he's told me about them I don't doubt that they were slutty but a few things bother me: the way he talks about them and says that he just saw them as objects, that he even finds that kind of girl attractive if what he's saying about them is true, that he confesses to having a madonna-whore complex. He claimed it was a "phase" for him that grew out of his porn addiction and he's no longer into that type. :rolleyes:

 

To be fair I pulled all of this out of him because I had suspicions. He wasn't exactly volunteering stuff. It was depressing because the more he told me, the more turned off I felt. It was like a bottomless pit of depravity.

 

The whole time he was telling me he loved me and begging me not to leave him. He says he puts me on a pedestal and doesn't see me that way, that I'm marriage material and he's very serious about me, that he only wants me and can only cum to me now. I told him that I have to think it over.

 

I don't want to paint him in simplistic terms because there's so much I love about him. He's smart, funny as hell and warm. He's really, really sweet to me, better than any guy has been. I had a boyfriend who was that way from a distance but not when we were together in person. J is totally consistent with both actions and words. He dotes on me. When I was sick he took care of me, he remembers everything I say and gives me little things that I've mentioned offhand that I like, he takes me out to cultural events he knows I'll appreciate. When we're touching I get overwhelmed with warmth and connection and the second one of us pulls away I miss him and want more.

 

I understand why he's such a mixed bag of traits. He has two siblings, an older brother and little sister (he's 34). Growing up his mother, sister and grandmother adored him, favored him and treated him like a star. He was always trying to make them happy and laugh, do impersonations for them. His father was verbally abusive and jealous of how much attention he got from the women in his family and would always cut him down, favoring his older brother. J took care of his mom for a year when she was dying of cancer because his father was absent. He still has a really close relationship with his younger sister, who he says is like a best friend to him. So I get that he absorbed his mom's sweetness and his dad's cynicism. But I really believe he'd treat me well long term if I stayed with him. It's more that I don't know if I can handle his comments about other women, or the fact that he categorizes them so harshly, or that he has this kind of depraved side. I also worry that I'll never be enough for him sexually since he throws me in the Madonna category.

 

I don't know what to do. It's going to be hard for me to break it off because I feel very attached to him already.

Link to post
Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes

I feel that you should view this as him opening up,

Rather than omitting the bad and keeping the good stuff,

He feels comfortable enough to open up completely, the good and the bad,

He may feel you won't judge him, in light of the discoveries he's had.

 

Of course you should protect yourself, of course you should always be wary,

But often times you read of guys never opening up, and that's just as scary!

If a guy opens up to you completely, and it scares you away forever,

Doesn't that just enforce the stereotype and why they should never open up in this endeavor?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Why would you want to break up with what seems to be an amazing boyfriend.

 

I would like to know why you put pressure on him to tell you these things? Do you have a problem?

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud

I don't know I find men who dislike women in general to be :sick::sick: and I would be super suspicious when they told me I was the "only one" because I am not "like that." He won't keep treating any woman nice for the long term I bet. But he pretty much made this clear the whole time except I guess about the slutty gf's.

  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites

There is one thing in this story that doesn't sound good to me:

 

Called exes tramps and saying you're different would be at least a yellow flag to me. This is often a flag of narcissism or abusive people.

 

This is often seen in things like calling the ex things like 'crazy'. The guy will say the new person is 'special' or 'different'. Then at some point the new person becomes just another one of the crazy, horrible exes.

 

Does he have any ex that he talks well of?

  • Like 14
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Why would you want to break up with what seems to be an amazing boyfriend.

 

I would like to know why you put pressure on him to tell you these things? Do you have a problem?

 

We've moved fast, and I'm looking for a serious relationship, so I need to make sure he is somebody I could see myself settling down with. He even said to me last night after our conversation that I shouldn't stay with him if I want something casual because he's too attached to me for that. For these reasons, I've been trying to get to know him better. We've both been opening up about our pasts.

Link to post
Share on other sites
We've moved fast, and I'm looking for a serious relationship, so I need to make sure he is somebody I could see myself settling down with. He even said to me last night after our conversation that I shouldn't stay with him if I want something casual because he's too attached to me for that. For these reasons, I've been trying to get to know him better. We've both been opening up about our pasts.

 

You mean you have been asking him question about his sexual past? That's why it came up?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
There is one thing in this story that doesn't sound good to me:

 

Called exes tramps and saying you're different would be at least a yellow flag to me. This is often a flag of narcissism or abusive people.

 

This is often seen in things like calling the ex things like 'crazy'. The guy will say the new person is 'special' or 'different'. Then at some point the new person becomes just another one of the crazy, horrible exes.

 

Does he have any ex that he talks well of?

 

Yeah, and I told him that. I don't think he gets it. One girl in college which was over ten years ago.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You mean you have been asking him question about his sexual past? That's why it came up?

 

No, it was more that he mentioned something offhand about his sexual past and I asked him to elaborate and that led to a conversation.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
There is one thing in this story that doesn't sound good to me:

 

Called exes tramps and saying you're different would be at least a yellow flag to me. This is often a flag of narcissism or abusive people.

 

This is often seen in things like calling the ex things like 'crazy'. The guy will say the new person is 'special' or 'different'. Then at some point the new person becomes just another one of the crazy, horrible exes.

 

Does he have any ex that he talks well of?

 

When I told him this he said he doesn't think all women are crazy, just that he's had a couple of bad experiences. I'm not sure if I believe him. On the other hand when he mentions his (deceased) mom or his sister, it's all in exalted terms. He seems to view women in black and white.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I don't know I find men who dislike women in general to be :sick::sick: and I would be super suspicious when they told me I was the "only one" because I am not "like that." He won't keep treating any woman nice for the long term I bet. But he pretty much made this clear the whole time except I guess about the slutty gf's.

 

My gut is that if I really crossed him or rejected him I'd be thrown into that category but that it would take a lot to make him turn on me. I dated another guy who only had negative things to say about other women but he was different - he wasn't close to his family and had never fallen for any girl. He was a cold guy, while this one is really affectionate and warm with me. But who knows; I could be wrong.

 

The larger problem for me is that I just find his lack of enlightenment a turn off.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If he dates strippers and tramps I'd be wondering what he thinks you are...

 

I think he just told you you are going to be dealing with porn addiction and not being all like a porn actress in bed.. you might want to consider how deep you want to go with this guy and most certainly go veryyyyy slowly...

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I think he just told you you are going to be dealing with porn addiction and not being all like a porn actress in bed..

 

Can you elaborate on what this would entail. :sick:

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
If he dates strippers and tramps I'd be wondering what he thinks you are...

 

I think he just told you you are going to be dealing with porn addiction and not being all like a porn actress in bed.. you might want to consider how deep you want to go with this guy and most certainly go veryyyyy slowly...

 

I actually had a suspicion he was addicted before he told me. In bed the sex feels very porn-style: lots of positions and specific directions. Actually really a turn off to me. All the guys I've met who were heavily shaped by porn have been worse in bed and harbored strange ideas about women.

Edited by tuxedo cat
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I think I need to end it. It makes me really sad because I feel such a strong bond with him in other respects.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
He seems to view women in black and white.

 

I still say be careful. You've now mentioned a few signs of narcissism and possibly an abusive man. In addition to putting the current person on a pedestal, trying to say I love you and push for a relationship early on can be a sign. These guys are not bad at the beginning - often times they are wonderful. But over time you'll start seeing things change; often slowly. You haven't been with him long enough for the real guy to show yet. He is still in honeymoon mode and on his best behavior.

 

If you want to stay in this I would keep a 'we'll see' attitude.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
I still say be careful. You've now mentioned a few signs of narcissism and possibly an abusive man. In addition to putting the current person on a pedestal, trying to say I love you and push for a relationship early on can be a sign. These guys are not bad at the beginning - often times they are wonderful. But over time you'll start seeing things change; often slowly. You haven't been with him long enough for the real guy to show yet. He is still in honeymoon mode and on his best behavior.

 

If you want to stay in this I would keep a 'we'll see' attitude.

 

Why does having had crazy exes make you necessarily a narcissist or an abuser? Genuinely curious.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I wouldn't be able to stay with someone like that, primarily because I dated a guy for 2.5 years (1 year long distance) and within 4 months living together found out about his porn addiction. The year we were together we maybe had sex once a month, because he would rather watch porn and meet his own needs, then make love. He said he wanted to change, but it just got worse. To the point that he would get off in his car watching porn on his cell in the parking lot after coming home from work, before stepping in the house. I found out because he left "evidence" all over his t-****. It just kept getting worse and I felt neglected.

 

 

I wouldn't blame you if you split. I wish I had split sooner than when I did, before I was so emotionally invested.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
I wouldn't be able to stay with someone like that, primarily because I dated a guy for 2.5 years (1 year long distance) and within 4 months living together found out about his porn addiction. The year we were together we maybe had sex once a month, because he would rather watch porn and meet his own needs, then make love. He said he wanted to change, but it just got worse. To the point that he would get off in his car watching porn on his cell in the parking lot after coming home from work, before stepping in the house. I found out because he left "evidence" all over his t-****. It just kept getting worse and I felt neglected.

 

 

I wouldn't blame you if you split. I wish I had split sooner than when I did, before I was so emotionally invested.

 

The porn thing is messed up but I still think people are reading too much into the comments about his exes.

 

This guy is a ladies man. described two girls/women he's been with as crazy. As far as we can tell, these exes might have been a decade ago.

 

Say he's got 20 "exes". How hard is it to believe that 1 in 10 of the women he's dated could have been OBJECTIVELY characterized as crazy?

 

I'm not saying OP shouldn't break up with him (the porn thing is weird) but if he says he dated 20 people, and 2 of them were batsh*t insane, I can buy that.

 

That's 10%. You don't think if you picked random people out of the population at large of either gender, that 1 in 10 would be miserably dramatic, or controlling, or manipulators, or have a problem with drugs, or emotionally unstable, or have an unhealthy kink like the porn obsession?

 

Maybe some things are better left unsaid. But at face value, 1 in 10 exes being 'crazy' isn't an unreasonable thing to suggest. Its quite probable.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I think I need to end it. It makes me really sad because I feel such a strong bond with him in other respects.

 

Listen to your gut.

 

Some people rush the connection because they can't manage good relationships. THey need to get all the connection in before it inevitably implodes.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

I dunno....I think you could work with this, just by giving him some guidance, like telling him he needs to be more respectful when he refers to other women, and how it's unacceptable to use such words like whore or slut. He needs to be more enlightened. And please do not hold back how this makes you feel....he needs to know, it needs to be in his face before he can move forward.

 

just my 2 cents.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah, gut check - fail is all that really matters here.

 

I can't think of a single time where someone said "I have a really bad feeling about this" and then later "but holy s**t turns out it was nothing," and I can think of plenty of times where dismissed bad feelings ended up with very bad situations or even disasters. We hear that voice for a reason.

  • Like 9
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Yeah, gut check - fail is all that really matters here.

 

I can't think of a single time where someone said "I have a really bad feeling about this" and then later "but holy s**t turns out it was nothing," and I can think of plenty of times where dismissed bad feelings ended up with very bad situations or even disasters. We hear that voice for a reason.

 

Right. It was like I could feel the exact moment it imploded when we had this conversation. Something is off with him. I don't think I can return to the way I felt before.

 

The other thing I didn't mention that's pushing me over the edge is that, although he knows I'm really sick tonight and want to be left alone, he is urging me to come to his apartment where he can take care of me. I keep telling him I'm not up for it but he won't let it go. It's giving me flashbacks to a controlling ex I had who once insisted I stay up two nights in a row to chaperone him around town. I think BF senses me pulling away and is freaking out.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

The percentages listed above, 10%, being a realistic situation is true. But, why make that 10% the focus of the conversation? Plus, he admitted he objectified them and had a 'madonna' complex, which is opposite of happenstance.

 

Add to that his admitted porn addiction.

 

You're sick and he wants you to travel to him so he can take care of you...um, no, he needs to come to you unless that's not a workable situation because of your living arrangements. (And, you've told him you want to be alone.)

 

I applaud you, tuxedo, for acting on your gut intuition and probing for answers. Now follow thru with your gut intuition...(it served you well initially ;)).

Edited by Methodical
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...