Jump to content

Smoking weed in dating


fitnessfan365

Recommended Posts

fitnessfan365

Has anyone ever been in a relationship where weed caused issues?

 

My GF and I are very much in love and in most areas we're VERY compatible. The one major difference is that I'm very anti-drug and she smokes weed habitually/socially w/friends. The two compromises we came up with were this. 1) She smokes on the 3-4 days per week we're not together. 2) She'll occasionally smoke outside a few hrs before bed to wind down so she can sleep better. I'm fine w/this because I've spent the whole day w/her straight and she's not smoking in front of me.

 

Her business has really started to take off. So now she's been having to see her friends and me on the same days more often. I get along with all her friends really well. But their main source of entertainment is smoking out together. When my GF is straight she's funny, engaging, social, and full of energy. But when she's baked, she's lethargic, quiet, and doesn't want to get off the couch. LOL So on days where I see her after she spends time with her friends, it's kind of a drag to be around her. So today I said to her "When you see you friends tonight, can you skip the weed? I want 100% of you tonight". This lead to an argument between us. My mindset is that she's got plenty of other days she can smoke on, and can spend time with her friends once and awhile w/o smoking. But she doesn't want to be a drag around them.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You're trying to change her. Think of something you like to do or eat or something and imagine her suddenly trying to take that away from you. The issues are in your head, you chose to date her and that's who she is.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites

FF : it's one thing to smoke pot occasionally and a different one when you are at the pointed of "needing" it. Thaf's where your gf is. She's definitely at a point we can call her a pot-head. I'm kind of surprise you put up with this.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

ff.... would you have an issue with her drinking with her friends too? And coming home a lil tipsy?

 

Just curious.

 

Buy hey, congrats on being in love! :love::love:

Link to post
Share on other sites
You're trying to change her. Think of something you like to do or eat or something and imagine her suddenly trying to take that away from you. The issues are in your head, you chose to date her and that's who she is.

 

Agree, you need to lighten up. If weed is a redline for you then break up, but don't try to reinvent her for your sake.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
So on days where I see her after she spends time with her friends, it's kind of a drag to be around her. So today I said to her "When you see you friends tonight, can you skip the weed? I want 100% of you tonight". This lead to an argument between us. My mindset is that she's got plenty of other days she can smoke on, and can spend time with her friends once and awhile w/o smoking. But she doesn't want to be a drag around them.

 

So what's HER mindset? When you ask her nicely if she could skip the week this one time... what's her justification for not doing so and arguing with you about it? Your request is not out of line....and hey you were just asking!

 

Again just curious.... cuz frankly that just seems unreasonable to me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Agree, you need to lighten up. If weed is a redline for you then break up, but don't try to reinvent her for your sake.

 

I think a little compromise is in order here.

 

ff offered one (a very reasonable one)....but it doesn't appear she wants to compromise.

 

She just wants it HER way....and I don't think that's right.

 

JMO

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Where I'm moving to I'll be facing this since marijuana is legal there.

 

I'd view it like any other legal product and choice. If things work, they do. If not, not.

 

Unless things change, my historical experience is that women who are into vices like MJ, smoking, alcohol, etc, don't really find relatively 'square' guys like myself attractive so they do the deciding for me. I've traditionally been pretty open-minded as long as stuff is legal. Drawing experience from a relationship with someone who both uses MJ and smokes, what I noticed is she tends to do both only when in 'party' mode, which is infrequent, as opposed to being a habitual user or smoker. That dynamic would likely be at or near my boundary for anything long-term.

 

Yeah, I get the health stuff. I've yet to meet an adult who had a vice who didn't comprehend the effects on their health, both negative and positive. We all make choices.

 

Hence, in Oregon, after Q4, 2016 when we can buy MJ at 'the store' as it were, if my girlfriend or wife wanted me to 'pick some up' for her, I'd see it the same as her 'picking some' beer or vodka up for me. No different. Part of adult life. If our behaviors were or became an issue, that would be separate.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
fitnessfan365
You're trying to change her. Think of something you like to do or eat or something and imagine her suddenly trying to take that away from you. The issues are in your head, you chose to date her and that's who she is.

 

I'm not trying to take it away from her though. I knew it was a part of the deal when we met, and have never once asked her to quit. All I've ever asked if that she consider the timing.

 

Like I said, I'm good with - smoking on days we're apart, smoking at the end of the night before bed to wind down, and even smoking with friends before we see each other as long as there is enough time for her to level out a bit.Hell, just last week I was even accommodating w/my GF's best friend. The three of us went out to dinner and to see Revenant. The movie is INTENSE, so they wanted to smoke out after. I knew my GF needed groceries and had a busy week ahead of her. So she gave me some money, and I ran to the store for her while they smoked. I wasn't around it and got a whole night with her straight so it was all good.

 

The ONLY real issue I have is when she smokes RIGHT before we get together.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If that's disturbing to you I think it's better to dump her than to try change her. Changing people causes all sorts of issues, that's what is problematic and not the reason for change.

 

You only really have two choices and I can't tell you what to choose. Either you accept it the way it is or you leave her, anything outside of those options will cause a mess. You can ask her to change, but if she is unwilling you're back at the same two options.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
The ONLY real issue I have is when she smokes RIGHT before we get together.

 

Would you consider it okay if she smoked with her friends, but not so much that she gets zonked and unable to function when she gets home?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
fitnessfan365
A key part of dating relationships is to figure out compatibility. Are you compatible?

 

Oh yeah. We're very compatible. Communication styles, relationship beliefs, common interests, emotional needs, and sexual tastes. Overall it's a very supporting, loving, and healthy relationship. That's not to say we haven't had a few moments of bickeing and feeling out periods. Every couple does.

 

But the only real issue between us has been when she chooses to smoke weed. As I said, I've never asked her to quit and even encourage her to have fun with her friends when she wants. However, if she's seeing her friends and then me right after, then her showing up baked is kind of a drag. So the main compromise I'm looking for is just a bit better planning on her part.

Link to post
Share on other sites
If that's disturbing to you I think it's better to dump her than to try change her. Changing people causes all sorts of issues, that's what is problematic and not the reason for change.

 

You only really have two choices and I can't tell you what to choose. Either you accept it the way it is or you leave her, anything outside of those options will cause a mess. You can ask her to change, but if she is unwilling you're back at the same two options.

 

Am I the only one seeing his side here?

 

He's not asking her to change....he's asking her to compromise.

 

He's not asking her to STOP smoking....he asked ONCE if she could not smoke with her friends that night, so that when she got home, they could have some quality time together.... instead of her zonking out on the couch.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
fitnessfan365
Am I the only one seeing his side here?

 

He's not asking her to change....he's asking her to compromise.

 

He's not asking her to STOP smoking....he asked ONCE if she could not smoke with her friends that night, so that when she got home, they could have some quality time together.... instead of her zonking out on the couch.

 

EXACTLY.

 

Whenever she's mentioned that she'll be hanging with friends, I always tell her to have fun. Like I mentioned before, my GF, her best, and me all went out to dinner and then saw Revenant together. VERY intense movie. So they wanted to wind down a bit and smoke. My GF had a busy week ahead of her and hadn't done her grocery shopping. So I offered to run to the store for her. She gave me some money, I was gone like 30-40 minutes, and let them have their girl time.

 

So does that sound like I am trying to change her? Absolutely not. All I'm asking for is better planning with the smoking. Like if we're seeing each other that night, don't smoke an hour before hand and come home baked/lethargic. Smoke earlier to have time to level out. Or if she has to see her friends so close to when we're seeing each other, just to skip on that type of rare occasion.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Years ago, during a very conservative phase of my life, I date a guy for a while who, I found out on our second date, was pretty much a pot head. I told him around, I dunno, date three or four, that I wouldn't seriously date anyone who smoked weed and left it up to him to decide what he wanted to do. I never asked him to stop, I just stated my preference. If he'd said right then and there that he wasn't willing to give it up, we woulda called it a day. Well, he decided to curb his habit for me, even going so far as to smash his bong and bring me a shard of it in a jewelry box as a symbol of his devotion (shudder).

 

Anyway, that was a bad idea. His resolve lasted about a month and a half, until a New Years Eve party, where, under the social pressure of not knowing anyone, he got belligerently and broke up with me after midnight.

 

See, he really didn't want to stop doing drugs, and changing up his habit for anyone other than himself was a recipe for disaster.

 

I know you said you're not asking her to quit, and y'all have been together a year-plus, but my point is that when two people aren't on the exact same page about drugs and alcohol, it becomes a point of contention, and honestly, FF, I don't see this getting any easier between you two. I hope I'm wrong.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Ha, ha, I have a friend like this who's been married, whoa, over 30 years.... we'll be tossing back a few and his wife will appear with 'haven't you had enough?' Answer - 'no'. Door slams. Friend walks into garage and says 'Now you know why I put a fridge out here' and cracks open another one. :D

 

Women are the new men. We've been doing that stuff for awhile, actually a long while. We just don't see it that way. To us, it's 'normal' and the boundaries were 'nagging'. Wake up and smell the MJ, guys. Or not. The lady likes what she likes. And, like the lady here, the friend in my story, yup, married his wife in between six packs. There were no surprises. IDK if this is the OP's cuppa but IMO it's the current default for his partner, subject to change by her, so there it is.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it's reasonable to ask that she not come home too high just as much as I think it's reasonable to ask that she not come home too drunk. It seems like a reasonable compromise.

 

I also think on some occasions it should be okay for her to come home high or drunk.

 

I do agree there has to be some limits drawn. I don't know too many people that would put up with a partner coming home drunk 3-4 times a week. Why would getting high be any different?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Would you rather have her be a bit stoned and relaxed or would you rather she have a few shots of whiskey in her and goes postal on you over a small issue.

 

I am a recovering alcoholic/drug addict with 20 years of sobriety under my belt. OP, I am telling you right now that her smoking weed is the least of your worries. Believe me if all she is doing is smoking pot, you got a keeper.

 

You could do a lot worse.

 

I know this bugs you, however compared to the other vices she could avail herself to, I would not chuck the whole relationship over this. Relationships do take work. Who knows maybe in the future she won't be as enamored with getting stoned as she is now. Some people do grow out of it. It is not unheard of.

 

 

That being said, although I haven't smoked in many years it is the one thing I do miss. lol

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I wanted to add, in case it wasn't clear in my first post, that I do think you're within your bounds to ask her to curb her use before she sees you. But I think she may also start resenting you if she feel like she has to keep accommodating you.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Deal breaker/ incompatibility.

 

To me smokin weed a lifestyle not a "habit".

 

I'm a drinker, I could never date or have a relationship with someone who doesn't. it's something I enjoy, and I wouldn't make any provisions for someone because they didn't like me slightly buzzed after a few. It's my lifestyle.

 

If this is going to be a thorn in your side OP, it just might be YOUR deal breaker if she is not willing to make a compromise. Everyone one says to chill out, but if this is going to be a constant, it's not fair to either of you.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
I wanted to add, in case it wasn't clear in my first post, that I do think you're within your bounds to ask her to curb her use before she sees you. But I think she may also start resenting you if she feel like she has to keep accommodating you.

 

I agree... I am also remembering back to the thread discussing how she didn't want your help when she fell and hurt her ankle.... she actually got pissed off at you when you offered to help her!

 

She seems quite stubborn and when you request something from her, she may see it as a demand...and dig in her heels.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I think it's reasonable to ask that she not come home too high just as much as I think it's reasonable to ask that she not come home too drunk. It seems like a reasonable compromise.

 

I also think on some occasions it should be okay for her to come home high or drunk.

 

I do agree there has to be some limits drawn. I don't know too many people that would put up with a partner coming home drunk 3-4 times a week. Why would getting high be any different?

 

If someone routinely gets plastered 3-4 times a week, is it reasonable to expect them to not drink on the days they see you? Is it reasonable to expect that they would never push back and say no? Ditto for a cigarette smoker.

 

To me, if you're dating someone, you accept them as they are...or you move on because you can't. Yes, as presented in this instance, it's just this once...oops, actually it's been just every time you're scheduled to see me. Bottom line: the issue is that you don't like the effects of her lifestyle choice when she's with you. At some point, as the relationship develops, you will spend every day together. Either you can accept that she will be stoned some of the time she's with you or you can't. Ultimately, this isn't a one-time request. This is something that will be an ongoing negotiation/area of disagreement, at least until she decides to stop smoking regularly.

 

Accept her as is, or don't. Only you can decide whether you can. But stop trying to change her with these sequential requests.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
If someone routinely gets plastered 3-4 times a week, is it reasonable to expect them to not drink on the days they see you? Is it reasonable to expect that they would never push back and say no? Ditto for a cigarette smoker.

 

To me, if you're dating someone, you accept them as they are...or you move on because you can't. Yes, as presented in this instance, it's just this once...oops, actually it's been just every time you're scheduled to see me. Bottom line: the issue is that you don't like the effects of her lifestyle choice when she's with you. At some point, as the relationship develops, you will spend every day together. Either you can accept that she will be stoned some of the time she's with you or you can't. Ultimately, this isn't a one-time request. This is something that will be an ongoing negotiation/area of disagreement, at least until she decides to stop smoking regularly.

 

Accept her as is, or don't. Only you can decide whether you can. But stop trying to change her with these sequential requests.

 

Exactly, all of this.

 

FF, you say you're not asking her to stop, but you don't like it and you're putting conditions on it, which I think is why you're experiencing some pushback from her, because she probably feels like the goalposts are changing.

 

First it was just on the days that she didn't see you, except before bed, and if she's with her friends but has enough time to come down. Now you're asking her to curb her use with her friends—even if it's just this one time, she's probably wondering when the next request will come.

 

You don't like it and it sounds a bit like you judge her and her friends for doing it. That fact alone would make me uneasy if I were her. I can see your side of it, but I can see her side just as clearly, and like I said before, this is a slippery slope.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Has anyone ever been in a relationship where weed caused issues?

 

Yes. I got rid of him. As much as weed users will tell you its totally benign, less harmful than coffee and there's a big conspiracy out there about it etc etc. It's not as benign as they think.

 

If she's using it to sleep then she's creating a dependancy on it. Weed use actually messes around with the body's circadian rhythms and it's documented that people who use it as a sleep aid become dependant on it to sleep. When they go cold turkey insomnia is a huge issue and a major reason why they rescind.

 

As you well now, it depresses the natural expression of the person. Who really wants to be around that?

 

It's often a habit that masks a deeper problem with the person themselves. A problem they are failing to address in a healthy manner. I know a lot of anxiety sufferers turn to weed claiming it to be more effective and less harmful than prescription medications. And that effect is true. But what it's doing is suppressing the emotions which are fuelling the anxiety, not healing them. When they finally go off weed the first thing that hits them is the years of suppressed emotions and it can seriously throw people into suicidal states.

 

Three or four times a week is pretty heavy usage actually. I wouldn't call that casual at all. It's your call of course. My experience was I did not enjoy being in a relationship with a pot user. So I left it.

Edited by Buddhist
  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...