What do i do??

[ben_smith]

I met this girl (22) two years ago and our relationship was perfect in the beginning. Then I found out that she was cheating on me the whole time. I was so disappointed as my ex cheated on me also. I felt mad and upset. I even checked her phone after that because it was always on my mind. Not too long after, she cut contact with me. I kept messaging her and calling but no reply. Then I found out she changed her number. I tried to look for her on facebook and social media but no luck.

 

6 months later, I look on facebook again and find her ( I was looking actively). I guess she re-activated her account. I then sent her a friend request and messages saying I really want to talk to her again and know shes ok. She responded kindly but then said she doesn't know if she should talk to me. Now she is always giving me mixed signals, saying she wants me then backing out. I wonder why she does this as she didn't do it before in our relationship. Anyways, after days of begging her, she finally gave in and gave me her new number. She told me she could only talk to me "innocently" and "only as a friend" I asked about where she works now and if shes dating anyone new, she said "no I am single and I don't want a boyfriend". I was respectful and everything, sending her daily text messages asking how shes doing and letting her know that I genuinely care for her. I really do or I wouldnt even bother contacting her again after she cheated on me and disappeared.

 

However, when i asked her what she is doing for new years she said she might go to her friends party and a guy there is calling her over to "have fun in his hot tub" I was so mad about this but I didn't show it I just said "you shouldn't go, that guy is bad for you" I didn't know what to say. After this, she ignored me and disappeared for a couple of days yet I was messaging her daily. She kept ignoring me (she does that a lot now)

 

Then, a week after, she finally replied and I began flirting with her and began sexual over the phone. to be honest, I was jealous when she mentioned the "hot tub" things with the guy .I want her only for me. She kept giving mixed signals, one day she flirts with me the other day she wants nothing to do with me. But she wasn't like this before. So I finally told her I really like her and I want to be good friends with her. But she said no after flirting with me and giving me hope. I ask her to go out for coffee every day but she flirts with me all day then tells me "no, i wont even go out for coffee with you" I am so confused. I still have feelings for her but my heart is breaking again. What do you think is going on with her? Do I have a chance with this girl? Should I keep pursuing her?

[VeveCakes]

Why?

 

She cheated and is not interested in you.

 

Have some self respect and forget this person.

 

You deserve better.

[ben_smith]

Its not easy. I like her a lot.

 

 

Should I try "friends with benefits" with her at least?

Edited January 7, 2016 by ben_smith

[Toodaloo]

No.

 

You walk away and don't look back.

 

You find yourself a girl who is honest and caring and can keep her coochie in her pants.

 

Get off the computer and out of the past.

 

Get out into the world and look for the future.

[Radarsat]

Its not easy. I like her a lot.

 

 

Should I try "friends with benefits" with her at least?

 

Listen man, no disrepesct at all. I know it's hard to hear other's opinions on this site when you're in the state your in. However, you are obsessed with her. And really, if anything it should be the other way around. You didn't cheat on her. Do you really want to be with someone who did that to you? On top of it, she doesn't even want a coffee with you.

 

Look, if she's just into sex with you (if she even wants that), and you're cool with it, then go for it. But I'm guessing it's probably not the best thing for your mental health at this point in your life.

 

Keep looking. Lots of gorgeous, intelligent, and LOYAL woman out there for you. Just you wait and see bud. All the best.

[smudge21]

Crikey, you got it bad. You're not just crazy for this girl, you're addicted to her. She is your drug and you can't get enough, no matter how it kills you inside. I'd say run, don't walk, away as fast as you can, but it's pointless whilst you're like this. Not only that, but the only response you'll listen to here is one that says "yeah, go for it, she clearly wants you" when in reality she clearly sees you as a doormat to be walked all over... and worse, you not only let her, you encourage her.

 

 

She cheated, never showed any affection and walked away. Now you come back "begging" her. Do you honestly expect this girl to have any respect for you ever again? Even if you two did get back, she would just carry on sleeping with other people and you would be just her plaything when she feels like it. This should be in the coping section, not the dating one. There's no dating her, only ownership.

 

 

You also say you'd like to have a FWB deal - no way, because you're not friends. You are addicted to her and she doesn't even treat you like a friend.

 

 

As hard as this is to hear, you need to hear it. She doesn't love you and never will. What you want from her will never be. The person you believe she is only exists in your mind, in your dreams and fantasies. You're young and have your whole life to meet someone who will love, respect and treat you with dignity. Go find them and get your self respect back. Believe me, the longer you hold on to this rope the further you'll have to fall.

 

 

Move on my friend.

[truth_seeker]

The problem with you OP is that she got one over on you. She screwed you over and you're having a hard time dealing with it and letting it go. I look at it like a woman scorned but in this case, a man scorned.

 

I worry about people like this as they never let go and then misdirect their anger on innocent people as a way to lash out at the person who hurt them.

 

Go see a therapist to work through this.

[Glitters]

How is FWB going to help you ?

[ben_smith]

I know she cheated on me and I can't forget that. Its always on my mind. I still like her though. Can't I at least try being good friends with her to get her back by not being too upfront and scaring her off or maybe I can get her back if I perform well sexually because I know she loves sex and she cheated on me sexually with another guy. Anyways, I ask her out for coffee every day and she flirts with me all day, sends me pictures of her, then says no when I tell her im on my way to come get her. Why the mixed signals? she tells me she wants to talk to me, is into me then disappears and ignores me for days and even weeks. How can I get her back? Is there any hope for us?

[Toodaloo]

No - you don't like her.

 

You just fancy her and want to poke your penis into her.

 

Go out and look around.

 

There are a ton of gorgeous girls who don't cheat.

 

Upshot is:

Your less likely to catch an STD

Your more likely to be happier

Your less likely to waste your "good" years

Your more likely to end up happier

Your less likely to be used or hurt by her

Your more likely to end up happier

 

Leave the cheater alone and get out and meet new people.

[ben_smith]

But I only want her and I told her I want to sleep with her only. I am not interested in finding another girl or else I wouldn't find her on facebook after she disappeared on me. I think I can get her to come out with be if I am just more persistent.

[Mrin]

Dude.... pull yourself together.

 

No, there is no hope for you guys. Also, in the future, don't beg and blow up women's phones. It is a total turn off. She has no respect for you. You are a doormat and a plaything to her. Not to beat a dead horse but:

 

- she cheated and you didn't throw her out

- she broke up with you

- you blew up her phone with lots of begging

- she changed her number

- you found her again and begged to be FB friends

- you begged her for her number

- you begged her to go to coffee

 

Why would she respect you?

[Toodaloo]

But I only want her and I told her I want to sleep with her only. I am not interested in finding another girl or else I wouldn't find her on facebook after she disappeared on me. I think I can get her to come out with be if I am just more persistent.

 

Ben she is just going to get irritated by you.

 

Nasty as this sounds you are going no where with this girl.

 

GIVE IT UP.

 

You only want her because you are blinkered. Open your eyes and see the world. There is no such thing as "the one". People find love again after their loved ones pass away or divorce all the time. This one? Well it was hardly anything to write home about in comparison!

 

What you do is recognise that you are being a bit of an idiot at the moment. Go No contact (don't worry she will not notice), stay no contact.

 

Carry on like this and you will make yourself ill. That will be no ones fault bar your own. Stop it right now.

[ben_smith]

But what if I keep contacting her again? Guys, I have strong feelings for her. I can't explain it. I try not to show it, but I think she knows. My buddy said I should just try pretending im not into her as much, or just being "only sexual" with her to hide the fact that I care so much for her.

[ben_smith]

Maybe being sexual with her will bring us closer. I know for a fact that she loves sex and this is one of the reasons she cheated on me.

[truth_seeker]

 

Go No contact (don't worry she will not notice), stay no contact.

 

This is the problem he is having. He wants her to notice. He wants to feel that he got the upper hand so he can move on.

 

I met a girl who I thought was nice, but once I realized she really wasn't that nice of a person, I backed off. She got so angry that she did anything she could to get me in position so she could have the last word and slam the door in my face. I believe this is what OP wants. He needs to get in that last word so he can walk away feeling he has the upper hand on her.

[Toodaloo]

Ben.

 

No.

 

That is the simple answer.

 

All you are doing is making yourself look like an absolute muppet in her eyes and its getting worse.

 

Just stop.

 

No contacting her.

If you write an email delete it before you send it.

Delete her off of facebook.

Delete her number from your phone.

 

Carry on like you are and you will end up with a restraining order.

 

Just stop.

 

Your mates advice sucks like a dyson.

[truth_seeker]

I agree with Toodaloo.

 

You're going to have to suck it up that it's over and move on. You're going to look back on this many months from now and feel embarrassed you behaved this way.

 

Not to worry, myself and others have been there. Hopefully, you'll learn from this experience.

[smudge21]

Ben, are all your replies going to start with "but..." as you try to argue against what everyone is saying here. You will never make any of us say she is right for you, or you for her. The fact is, she is enjoying the attention and keeping you sweet but totally 100% not interested in anything else. She teases you then tosses you aside, and loves it. Move on, please.

[Satu]

You can't make someone feel what you want them to feel.

 

You can't make them think what you what them to think.

 

You can't make them want something you want them to want.

 

 

The only person you can change is yourself.

[ben_smith]

I understand what you guys are saying, but maybe I can have a friend's with benefits thing with her now that she doesn't want to be my girlfriend. I can at least have my way with her sexually. Why would a woman tease, send me hot pictures of herself, flirt on the phone all day, then say no when it's time to meet? I told her I like her twice yesterday, but I also said we could be good friends, since she told me she doesn't want a boyfriend. I am trying not to contact her today but I really want to, and I know I will soon.

[ben_smith]

When she said no to meeting up, I begged her to come out with me and I told her I won't even touch her, I told her if I do touch her, she can smack me or punch me. That I genuinely care for me and just want to go for coffee and talk. She keeps saying no but prior to that, flirts non stop with me.

[ben_smith]

I've asked her to come out with me 3 or 4 times within the past week and she rejected me every time, but acts all nice when I message her the next day. Plus she sexually flirts with me as well. But I'm the one always initiating contact with her, she never initiated contact first, not even during our relationship before.

[Robratory]

I am so confused. I still have feelings for her but my heart is breaking again. What do you think is going on with her? Do I have a chance with this girl? Should I keep pursuing her?

 

Walk away, man. That's now how love works, and it's not anything you're doing.

[Emilia]

But what if I keep contacting her again? Guys, I have strong feelings for her. I can't explain it. I try not to show it, but I think she knows. My buddy said I should just try pretending im not into her as much, or just being "only sexual" with her to hide the fact that I care so much for her.

 

What you have is a massive problem with boundaries. That's not love. You don't know how to separate yourself from her. Did you grow up with a distant parent, OP? Are your parents divorced?

 

She recognises that you are a vulnerable person that can be exploited. This is what drew her to you. Again, it's not love.