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GF asking her best guy friend to move in with her and her friend


thousandsuns

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thousandsuns

Hi All;

 

I'm in a lot of stress and agony while I write this post because I've just had a massive fight with my gf of 1 year and I didn't know who else to reach out for help.

 

So back ground on this situation. I have been seriously dating this girl for about a year now and things have been so far so well. We have had little fights here and there but she loves me and I love her. Last month I went overseas to visit my parents so we were basically a whole month apart from one another and as usual all we did was text as it is our main means of conversation. Having returned home just yesterday, I was talking to her about seeing her tomorrow and she kept telling me how much she missed me. During the conversation I brought up a question "did you find someone to move in with you and Natasha since your friend Anita is moving out?". Her answer was we did and that's Chris (her guy best friend who she has known for over 5 yrs). Now she already knows how I feel uncomfortable about how close she is with him. Like they go to gym together and they train together, she sees him more than me in a week (3-4 times). Any way, whilst I was away she had not mentioned anything about her asking him to move in and now she tells me she already organized it and that she was going to tell me in person.

 

I was infuriated since she hadn't told me. Out of all people I'm her bf and I deserve to be told about her decision and she should have asked if I was comfortable about her doing this. Now I know this is common across many places but the reason why I'm bothered by this is because Chris told her he had feelings for her in the past and she declined him respectfully. Yet they are very close still. I know her for 1 year and he knows her for over 5 yrs.

 

I'm most likely on the verge of breaking up with her because of how angry I got regarding this. She should have told me and she should have asked me how I feel regarding this. Her reasoning is that she's only helping a friend out. Nonetheless, I just can't bare the thought of them living together in the same house. I love her a lot and I don't know how I would be without her.

 

Can you please tell me what I should do here? Is there any way to fix this? I was thinking of speaking to Chris and giving him my view. Maybe this guy is an utter idiot who doesn't care but how else can I convey that I'm not comfortable about this and should he rather jeopardize her relationship with me over this?

 

I gave her a choice to other tell Chris to find another place to live or we would break up. She seems adamant that she can't tell Chris to find another place. In other words it seems like she is picking him over me.

 

I don't know what to do, please help?

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You need to trust her.

You need to believe her when she says she blew him off, and that he is just a friend.

you need to simply ask her to be honest with you, and that if he ever tries anything like it again, she will tell you.

You don't want to stand in the way of friendship, but as her BF, you deserve to know if he tries to compromise your relationship with her.

 

That's it.

 

Other than that, much as it hurts, you have to deal with this jealousy, because it could be your undoing.

 

Have a little faith.

The more you tighten the grip, the more likely you are to lose her.

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You don't trust her or Chris. I understand why you don't, but the fact remains that you don't

 

 

She doesn't make the best decisions because she is stringing Chris along at best. When you know an opposite sex friend has more than platonic feelings for you, and your SO is uncomfortable with that you put distance into the relationship, not move in with him.

 

 

I'd be miffed too but as the BF you are not entitled to notice of her decisions. You are not entitled to input & you certainly don't get to dictate her living arrangements.

 

 

You can end it now or you can sit back & see how things play out but I suspect, like you do, that she will eventually end up in his arms.

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Do you trust her, or not? If not, move on. After a year of dating, I have to wonder why you two aren't moving in together, instead. That's common if a couple thinks their relationship is serious and has a future.

 

 

This guy is a long-time friend. Chances are, he'll still be a friend long after you are history, which may be why she's helping him rather than caving to your jealousy.

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thousandsuns

How am I trust her and let her be if she couldn't bother telling me about this? What partner goes on to do something like that really? It's not that I'm just jealous I find it hard to trust Chris. He is a lonely sad guy who gets unlimited sympathy from my gf. Why I'm bothered more is because she once cheated on her ex to initiate a breakup which shows she can do it if she wants.

 

Anyways, I see the thought of her ending up in his arms. If I should let it be I should let her go. It's not just about faith and you're right. I don't dictate her living arrangements but I didn't know that means she can do whatever the hell she wants knowing it will upset me. To me it feels that way and to her it seems as if she is just helping this guy. This is absurd! You can help someone without offering them your place to live. To her it seems she thinks I'm opposed to her helping him which is not the case it just how she is deciding to do it.

 

Also, just to add I don't care if she is friends with her but the way I see it, 5yrs of him as opposed to 1yr of me easily outweighs my impact in her life. She would choose him over me. That hurts but is true?

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You don't trust her or Chris. I understand why you don't, but the fact remains that you don't

 

 

She doesn't make the best decisions because she is stringing Chris along at best. When you know an opposite sex friend has more than platonic feelings for you, and your SO is uncomfortable with that you put distance into the relationship, not move in with him.

 

 

I'd be miffed too but as the BF you are not entitled to notice of her decisions. You are not entitled to input & you certainly don't get to dictate her living arrangements.

 

 

You can end it now or you can sit back & see how things play out but I suspect, like you do, that she will eventually end up in his arms.

 

 

I disagree with the "notice" part. I think a gf/bf of a year IS entitled to some notice on a pretty big change in the status quo. OP, I think you are right to be upset. I doubt many women would just "accept" their bfs having a female roommate, especially a roomie who had previously admitted having romantic feelings. That being said, she's already made the decision so you'll have to either have to accept it or treat it as a deal breaker.

 

And having a roommate of the opposite sex CAN raise questions - just ask George and Jerry!

 

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thousandsuns

Thanks! I'm glad someone understands my view. I believe in a relationship you don't do thinks that could potentially hurt your significant other especially if you truly love them. She knew this would upset me because previously I had expressed my concerns towards how close he was being with her but I did let it go eventually. Now this happens.

 

If I did mean that much to her she should have compromised or haven't done something that would hurt me. Chris not moving in with her doesn't mean they can't be friends or let alone the guys life will be miserable. It just means there's an optional way to handle this like helping him find a place to stay.

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Have you tried discussing a compromise of the kind, with her, rather than giving an "Either him or me" ultimatum?

Have you explained that you feel you can't trust him?

 

Talk to her, calmly.

If she's obstinate or won't budge, then really I see you have little option....

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thousandsuns

I'm planning to do that. As in try to give her my view and justification around this. However, given how heated things got I may have come across in saying it's either me or Chris. I did say I didn't want to break up with her over text so we have sometime to talk. I sent her a final msg telling her about how I wanted a future with her like marriage and kids and how I was thinking of proposing to her but at the end of the day things can't happen if her thoughts are far and different from mine.

She doesn't think it's an issue and she assumed I would be supportive. I'm afraid of I tell her I'm jealous it will make her hate me even more not that I have anything else to lose at this stage. I still don't see a point in it anyways as she will keep saying I don't trust her and that she can't change her mind.

I did ask if I can speak to Chris and she said yes. Maybe I can tell this jackass that he is jeopardising our relationship. As a best guy friend would you really do that? She doesn't have the guts to lay him off because she's too nice and is a pushover.

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You are only dating, you have no saying on a decision she is making regarding her living situation. If she can't find a 3rd tenant are you the one that will pay the extra rent money? I didn't think so.

 

Women are not ragga-die dolls that can't say no. It's not because a man is into us that we will turn into him or cheat with him. I would find your lack of trust pretty insulting. You are thinking like a man.

 

You need to understand women better. We're wired differently than men. A man is wired to jump pretty much everything that moves and has to work hard at avoiding 'opportunities'. Not us, once we've put a man in the friendzone you're there for life and no amount of pursuing us will change the fact you leave us indifferent. Your girlfriend probably has a 'yuk' feeling if she thinks of this friend kissing her.

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Gaeta makes good points.

And as I said, it's not so much your jealousy, but your lack of faith in her, and to an extent, your insecurity.

 

She's already turned him down once.

I reiterate what I said before.

By all means talk, but believe her when she insists it's nothing to get hung up about.

The problem, sadly, is more yours than hers...

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thousandsuns

Every once in awhile someone has to come in and make things personal. This is no situation and this my view on things. It's not about how women are wired. I don't only speak for myself but perhaps on behalf of a lot of guys out there who may feel the same way. It is a serious relationship where there are motives and plans. It isn't a casual dating relationship even if it's a year.

You are entitled to your opinion but when a girl knows how to cheat once she can cheat again. Same goes for guys. So your points somewhat vague here regardless of how they perceive their friendship.

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thousandsuns

I agree it's my problem but I can't be blamed for having trust issues. Is it that much fair for me to go through this knowing he could come onto her again or they end up doing something together when drunk?

There are reasons why I feel the way I do of which one is because he still has feelings for her and two she cheated before. I simply don't feel comfortable Le about the situation no matter how you would like to justify it. Things can be deal breakers and this is one of them to me. I accept everything else.

Thank you for your advice though I appreciate, I understand that all of you are just trying to help me.

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It's a deal-breaker, huh?

 

You do need to sit down and have a good talk with her.

 

If you have 'trust' issues she has to know, and also why.

 

But if this is something that eats at you, maybe you need to cut your losses.

How much is it, totally, worth fighting for?

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and two she cheated before.

 

Why did you leave such important information out of your original post, really?

 

So she's a cheater and that's the woman you want to marry? Good luck with that. You have a life long of not trusting her in front of you. I hope you know you will never be at peace ever.

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thousandsuns

I love her but as soon as I heard this I felt like things ended already. I will admit I'm an emotional guy. I love wholeheartedly and I'm very passionate. Ultimately, I have doubts of whether I will even be with her in the future due to the nature of our relationship but a part of me begs to differ and thinks she's the one for me?

Maybe I'm too blinded by the idea of being "in love" that I have lost all thoughts and rationality here?

I don't want to lose her over this anyways. If I have to assess my feelings towards that will open up another can of worms. There will be more reasons to let her go than be with her but my heart still wants her.

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thousandsuns
Why did you leave such important information out of your original post, really?

 

So she's a cheater and that's the woman you want to marry? Good luck with that. You have a life long of not trusting her in front of you. I hope you know you will never be at peace ever.

 

If you had read the thread you'd see that I had clearly mentioned she had cheated before and this is purely to just get out of a relationship. That is an extremely hurtful move in my opinion. If you don't want to be with someone just end things in any way you can. Don't cheat and hurt them even more as if the part about breaking up wouldn't have hurt them already.

 

Also, thank you for making me not trust her even more. Tell me though, would you cheat more before or after your married with kids?

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The fact that she cheated on a previous BF as a way to end that relationship shows immaturity more than anything. What she did when she was younger is not an automatic that she will cheat on you with Chris. But you raise a valid point: proximity plus alcohol creates opportunities.

 

 

All you can do at this point is talk to her about how you feel. Failing to tell her you are hurt & jealous is a lie of omission. It's pretending you are OK with a situation you clearly find intolerable. If you don't tell her, she may think it's no big deal.

 

 

So start talking but if you don't like what you hear & you don't think she is giving your perspective meaningful consideration, then you have to recognize that she means more to you then you do to her.

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If you had read the thread you'd see that I had clearly mentioned she had cheated before and this is purely to just get out of a relationship. That is an extremely hurtful move in my opinion. If you don't want to be with someone just end things in any way you can. Don't cheat and hurt them even more as if the part about breaking up wouldn't have hurt them already.

 

Also, thank you for making me not trust her even more. Tell me though, would you cheat more before or after your married with kids?

 

I apologize I did not read properly. It was in your second post and I went straight to answering the thread starter.

 

Marriage and children are not an incentive to not cheat. People cheat because of lack of integrity. If you lack integrity before marriage you will lack it after as well.

 

Cheating to end a relationship is an excuse. What grounded adult does that?

 

You also mentioned you're worried they're gonna get drunk and cheat. So on top of being unreliable and a cheater should we add she has problems controlling her alcohol consumption?

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thousandsuns
The fact that she cheated on a previous BF as a way to end that relationship shows immaturity more than anything. What she did when she was younger is not an automatic that she will cheat on you with Chris. But you raise a valid point: proximity plus alcohol creates opportunities.

 

 

All you can do at this point is talk to her about how you feel. Failing to tell her you are hurt & jealous is a lie of omission. It's pretending you are OK with a situation you clearly find intolerable. If you don't tell her, she may think it's no big deal.

 

 

So start talking but if you don't like what you hear & you don't think she is giving your perspective meaningful consideration, then you have to recognize that she means more to you then you do to her.

 

Thanks for this post. It's fairly insightful and you do have a point that she was immature back then. Last time I had brought this up she got upset at me because she said she was just being honest with me and that's why she told me about the cheating incident. Nonetheless, it didn't make me feel all that good about it no matter how you look at it.

 

I believe I have already told her everything very openly and in a forward manner but the way I said it was very aggravated because you could imagine how upset I was about this. I will try to speak to her again in person one more time and just see if I can get it into her moronic head that it is a big deal to me if I my texts hadn't done that already. To her it's just "helping a friend". Bloody hell go help who ever the hell you want even if it's homeless people for all I care but don't help them by bringing them in to live with you. Surely she could have thought about other ways to help Chris than kick me in the nuts with this abrupt move.

 

However, you're correct. If she doesn't want to listen or compromise I don't mean to her as I thought I did.

 

Could you please tell me though what the solution is around this? Even if I talk to her what do we do moving on? Obviously I'm not ok with them living together. Should I speak to Chris myself?

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thousandsuns
I apologize I did not read properly. It was in your second post and I went straight to answering the thread starter.

 

Marriage and children are not an incentive to not cheat. People cheat because of lack of integrity. If you lack integrity before marriage you will lack it after as well.

 

Cheating to end a relationship is an excuse. What grounded adult does that?

 

You also mentioned you're worried they're gonna get drunk and cheat. So on top of being unreliable and a cheater should we add she has problems controlling her alcohol consumption?

 

When you put it that way. There's really nothing positive going for her in this situation. I am being more pessimistic slowly. This should raise the question of even if I should be with her then? Regardless, of all this she has been loyal to me for this long but she does have a drinking problem. She doesn't drink often but when she does she gets drunk as she possibly can. No matter how much self control you have I just don't see how a guy can't hook up with a girl when they're drunk together. It is a high chance! Especially given their history.

 

However, the point you make regarding cheating is true. It doesn't mean though that the person is a cheater for life?

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Wouldn't you want to know if she is still a cheater before you embark in a life with her?

 

Let Chris move in, lets see if she is marriage material.

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I don't know what the answers are. I doubt she is going to ask Chris not to move in. I think the best compromise would be for her to show you with her actions that she cares about you. You asking Chris what his intentions are is an option. Understand he's gonna run straight to her as soon as the conversation is over.

 

 

If you can't handle this, you can't.

 

 

I suppose I'd try to deal with it but keep your eyes open. If her behavior signals that she is pulling away from you, just end it.

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However, the point you make regarding cheating is true. It doesn't mean though that the person is a cheater for life?

 

After everything I said you will be surprised to hear that no, I don't think a person is a cheater for life but there is a need to mature that I doubt she has done because of the way she's handling alcohol still.

 

People that want to change will get ride of all the bad stuff that made them fall in the first place.

 

If she cheated 10 years ago I am open to trust her again.

 

How long ago she cheated?

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thousandsuns
Wouldn't you want to know if she is still a cheater before you embark in a life with her?

 

Let Chris move in, lets see if she is marriage material.

 

How will I even know if she does cheat on me? I can't keep a tab on her 24/7. How ever, you've given me more reason to think she isn't marriage material than she is. In reality she is loving. She cooks me dinners and does her best to keep me happy and it's the love that makes me feel like it's worth fighting for.

 

I don't know what the answers are. I doubt she is going to ask Chris not to move in. I think the best compromise would be for her to show you with her actions that she cares about you. You asking Chris what his intentions are is an option. Understand he's gonna run straight to her as soon as the conversation is over.

 

 

If you can't handle this, you can't.

 

 

I suppose I'd try to deal with it but keep your eyes open. If her behavior signals that she is pulling away from you, just end it.

 

Same question here, I wouldn't be able to tell even if she does cheat. Please elaborate though how she can show she cares about me if she goes ahead and brings this guy to live with her?

 

I think she will have told him about this anyways briefly but if I do speak with Chris I will politely tell him this is what you're doing to your friends relationship with me if you decide to ultimately move in. If he feels any empathy and doesn't want to hurt his so called friend he will back off. He isn't homeless he can find another place to live I imagine. Only reason he's even here is because my gf felt sympathy for him and tried to help him out.

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