UltimatePanacea Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Age old question yet challenges me every time. I've been dating many guys and after a certain amount of time spent together (without any drama or arguments) I notice my guy is pulling away a little, like for a couple of days to a week. Yet they may still call you sporadically during the "cave" time or even want to see you, but you feel that they're drifting away. I've been reading a lot about on the subject, several dating coaches had theories explaining the phenomena, "the rubber band effect" by Dr. Grey and how a wise woman just stays put while her man is rubber banding or pulling away and doesn't chase him or try to punish him for the distance. I've tried that and it helped, however, I've noticed that the pattern repeats itself with every guy I date. I don't know how to maintain my cool and not go bonkers when my guy seems like pulling away...days like this I start overthinking that maybe he's doubting the relationship or maybe he's just not that into me, or maybe it's just a man thing and they need some time away from their girl...anyone has dealt with this before? What are you coping methods with a guy who's pulling away besides sending him to hell? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 It's key to have a life outside the relationship to keep things fresh. Ignore him and go do your own thing, hang out with friends, get busy with life without him. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author UltimatePanacea Posted January 4, 2016 Author Share Posted January 4, 2016 It's key to have a life outside the relationship to keep things fresh. Ignore him and go do your own thing, hang out with friends, get busy with life without him. And that's exactly what I am doing and been doing all those times a guy would pull away from me, but it's like the more you try to distract yourself the more you think about him... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Age old question yet challenges me every time. I've been dating many guys and after a certain amount of time spent together (without any drama or arguments) I notice my guy is pulling away a little, like for a couple of days to a week. Yet they may still call you sporadically during the "cave" time or even want to see you, but you feel that they're drifting away. I've been reading a lot about on the subject, several dating coaches had theories explaining the phenomena, "the rubber band effect" by Dr. Grey and how a wise woman just stays put while her man is rubber banding or pulling away and doesn't chase him or try to punish him for the distance. I've tried that and it helped, however, I've noticed that the pattern repeats itself with every guy I date. I don't know how to maintain my cool and not go bonkers when my guy seems like pulling away...days like this I start overthinking that maybe he's doubting the relationship or maybe he's just not that into me, or maybe it's just a man thing and they need some time away from their girl...anyone has dealt with this before? What are you coping methods with a guy who's pulling away besides sending him to hell? I learned the hard way that the only solution for me is to dump them. I chose to be with a guy who doesn't do it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author UltimatePanacea Posted January 4, 2016 Author Share Posted January 4, 2016 I learned the hard way that the only solution for me is to dump them. I chose to be with a guy who doesn't do it. Well, I have dumped several of those guys, but looks like it's a pattern and it doesn't happen with just one guy...should I just dump everyone then? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Well, I have dumped several of those guys, but looks like it's a pattern and it doesn't happen with just one guy...should I just dump everyone then? Very few of the guys I've ever dated have done this. I wonder if you're unsubconsciously finding a pattern in the men you date. Link to post Share on other sites
Bigmess2 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 I've noticed the same thing and it really sucks. Guys seem to like the chase. Link to post Share on other sites
Redfisher Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 I'll admit it is exciting in the early days as a man and it does cool after a bit, but a real man who has feelings for said woman will not pull away or fade...Sometimes it can be a comfort thing for the guy and he feels he does not need to seem so eager, I sometimes do this until I catch myself and i will fix it right away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UltimatePanacea Posted January 4, 2016 Author Share Posted January 4, 2016 I'll admit it is exciting in the early days as a man and it does cool after a bit, but a real man who has feelings for said woman will not pull away or fade...Sometimes it can be a comfort thing for the guy and he feels he does not need to seem so eager, I sometimes do this until I catch myself and i will fix it right away. thanks for the insight, and yes it happens exactly when I get more attached to them and maybe even a little needy. But it's really frustrating, not hearing from the guy you like so much... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sweet honeydew Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Is it possible that what you call "drifting away" is actually the normal relationship mode for them? New relationship is often exciting and consuming, but it can't stay at peak and shouldn't. If a guy's normal mode doesn't satisfy your core needs, then you are not truly compatible. Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 I'm not a man, but I have a tendancy to pull away. I know why I do it, and it has nothing to do with any rubberbands. You are probably attracted to a certain type. You have to just take the good with the bad. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thecrucible Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Sometimes it's just settling into a new relationship that leads to that. At least in my experience, I've spent a lot of time with the guy at the beginning when we just start going out. But then you begin to feel that you both need your space and probably have a few things you need to do. I wouldn't worry if the time you do spend together is fulfilling. Obviously as you get to know each other, you'll learn how much personal space each person needs and whether you are compatible in that regard. The worst thing is when you are in a relationship where you spend time in each other's company fairly often but the guy is emotionally distant from you. I can tell you from experience that that's an absolutely horrible situation to be in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zippy2000 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Difficult to answer tour question why men pull away as it covers wide range of reasons. He`s no longer in love with you You got fat You`re difficult to communicate with Things have started to cool off He`s become comfortable in the relationship He`s having an affair He`s at the gym You can ask your question and expect over a million replies. Each man is different. Men dont always pull away. They focus on other things in their lives, cars, football and ultimately women. However if we are with you we dont need the chase so sometimes you have to come to us and give us the "green light" for attention. Link to post Share on other sites
anonymousbear00101100 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 I guess it depends on how long you've been dating these guys who pull away. If it's after a month, maybe 90 days when they start to pull away, I would just say the overall excitement of a new relationship is gone and they aren't invested in going forward. Nothing you did wrong. Maybe you were a rebound or maybe it just didn't develop. I would suggest being friends with a guy before you start to date. Get to know him and what he's like! Figure out if he is as serious about being in a relationship as you are so you know he isn't just because he's bored. But if these relationships are long-term, I would seriously evaluate the types of guys you are going after and how you relationships play out in each stage. There might be a breakdown of communication after you both are well into the comfortable stages of your relationship. Knowing what your partner wants and needs is important, and if he doesn't feel like he is getting that, he might start to lose interest/get GIGS. As for how to cope? Well my girlfriend started to pull away after two years and I did everything wrong. I chased, became needy and desperate, and put all of my self worth into her opinion towards me. This only pushed her further away and we broke up. Just remember to be strong and look out for you first. The right guy is out there for you, and he will never pull away or lose interest! Link to post Share on other sites
11012015 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Well, I have dumped several of those guys, but looks like it's a pattern and it doesn't happen with just one guy...should I just dump everyone then? Is it possible this has nothing to do with dating games (push/pull/chase/bechased) and that guys just learn something about you ... and then decide you are not for them? Many times people put on their best behavior at dates but you eventually find out who they really are. Stuff that didn't matter before starts to matter. Are they selfish? Are they messy? Are they x, y, z? The reality is if this is happening time and time again, maybe it is not the guys but it is you (the common denominator)? Analyze when they are leaving (i.e., 4 weeks/dates or 6 months) and try to live back and remember what really happened during that time and before. My experience is that some girls are really good at being a good date but have no idea how to be a good long-term girlfriend (cuz they never developed those skills). Maybe try to develop the skills and what it takes to be with a guy after that said period of time. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 It's quite possible they get bored of you....boredom is a guy's biggest fear when committing to a relationship, it does freak them out. I'm just saying because....IMO no one has that much bad luck picking the wrong type of guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Hm. If it's pattern, perhaps do an inventory of your relationship behaviour and patterns too. Maybe there's something you're doing or saying (or not doing/saying) that puts them off. I don't mean to say that you're in the wrong in every case but it would be a good opportunity for self-reflection. I have a friend who sees the same pattern. Guys come on strong and then seemingly fade out after a few weeks. However, I also know how strongly she comes on and she tends to rush things and get quite attached early on. She's the type who needs lots of attention and panics a bit when she's not getting so she comes up with ways to get it. (ie. posting quotes about love and relationships on FB where they can obviously see it, texting them that she is sick so she gets sympathy, etc. )This is when the guys typically back away. I'm not saying you're the same as the above friend or that you behave in similar fashion. But what I am saying is that there is often a reason patterns show up in our relationships. Can you think of any way you might be contributing to this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author UltimatePanacea Posted January 5, 2016 Author Share Posted January 5, 2016 Hm. If it's pattern, perhaps do an inventory of your relationship behaviour and patterns too. Maybe there's something you're doing or saying (or not doing/saying) that puts them off. I don't mean to say that you're in the wrong in every case but it would be a good opportunity for self-reflection. I have a friend who sees the same pattern. Guys come on strong and then seemingly fade out after a few weeks. However, I also know how strongly she comes on and she tends to rush things and get quite attached early on. She's the type who needs lots of attention and panics a bit when she's not getting so she comes up with ways to get it. (ie. posting quotes about love and relationships on FB where they can obviously see it, texting them that she is sick so she gets sympathy, etc. )This is when the guys typically back away. I'm not saying you're the same as the above friend or that you behave in similar fashion. But what I am saying is that there is often a reason patterns show up in our relationships. Can you think of any way you might be contributing to this? Honestly, I've been always trying to be the best gf possible...never been too needy, never been a drama queen, always trying to look my best, tried to share their interests, be emotionally supportive...no matter what I do there's a point in the relationship when they all start pulling away and get distant. Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted January 5, 2016 Share Posted January 5, 2016 Honestly, I've been always trying to be the best gf possible...never been too needy, never been a drama queen, always trying to look my best, tried to share their interests, be emotionally supportive...no matter what I do there's a point in the relationship when they all start pulling away and get distant. Maybe playing perfect girlfriend isn't the way to go then? The most likely explanation is they keep looking for the real you, but you're so busy being their ideal mate that they can't find her. It's irksome to meet someone who appears to have no identity beyond being your partner. They are probably looking for that little bit of tension and resistance that comes from meeting another person. No matter who we are, no matter who they are. It's a normal part of human relationships to have some friction and points of disagreement. When that's missing the natural thing to do is become suspicious of it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author UltimatePanacea Posted January 17, 2016 Author Share Posted January 17, 2016 Well with my current boyfriend things are a little different and he has different reasons to pull away I guess ( I am afraid he has some health issues and is worried about it). But in this case I don't know what I am supposed to do, try to reach out or just wait until he contacts me? We've already talked about our situation and he said that he feels uncomfortable right now with me and he will have to see how it goes in time.After that we still talked for a few days and he said he missed me and sent a crying emoji. But then it's been almost a week and I haven't heard from him...I am not sure whether it's the health issue that keeps him from contacting me or he decided to end it? Link to post Share on other sites
testmeasure Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 (edited) First, make it clear up front that you are looking for a long term relationship and don't start the process with anyone who is looking for anything less. Early in the dating process start to talk about what you want out of a long term relationship, what kind of a priority you want to be in each other's lives. Then try to treat each other with that level of priority so that the dating is a valid test for the relationship. As the dating unfolds, start to talk about when you might transition from dating to a long term relationship. Try to make that transition before you reach the point where they normally start fading. Maybe this is more of a guideline, but I always followed it. I was never comfortable dating multiple people at a time. Dating one at a time shows you want to focus on them and be serious about this potential relationship and that you are serious about wanting an exclusive relationship. So I looked for people who weren't comfortable dating multiple people at a time. It shows the desire to pick one person and hopefully try to make it stick. It probably also filtered for people who had a lower overall comfort for dating. That may have resulted in finding people who get less enjoyment out of dating, and put more value on a relationship once they have one. Edited January 17, 2016 by testmeasure Link to post Share on other sites
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