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We're officially dating but he doesn't call/text every day. Is this normal?


misty1114

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I've been casually seeing a guy I met off of a dating app for about 3 months. He and I are both 23 years old and we're both busy students and we go to different colleges, but we live about 30 minutes from each other. About a week ago, I initiated the "what are we" conversation with him and he said he hasn't been seeing anyone and he wants to be official. Prior to this, we were seeing each other about once a week, we texted maybe every 2-3 days. He was slow with responding to texts and he never called me. Our communication was mainly to set up dates. We still haven't been intimate yet but I have spent time at his place a couple of times and met his roommates.

 

I'm used to having guys texting or calling me on a daily basis. Therefore, after the exclusive talk, I told him that it's nice to hear from him everyday and asked how often he would like to communicate. He said that he's fine with texting anytime and we can try to talk on the phone every other day. The following week, he was on his holiday break while I had to work. I ended up initiating text and phone call the first two days. His texting speed has improved but he still doesn't initiate much. Then I let him take his turn, but he didn't text or call me at all for two days straight. I know he was busy with Christmas Eve parties but it was still weird. It made me feel like he didn't care enough to talk to me or he didn't think about me at all. Am I overreacting in this situation or does it all sound normal in this early relationship?

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Everyone is different. It may be he doesn't text much except for logistics. It may mean he isn't interested. I think if you let the relationship carry on (especially past the holidays) which of those two options it is will become apparent in his other actions. At this point I would just roll with it.

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I'm old enough to be your mom & dated before technology. I never had daily contact with somebody in the early stages of dating. Usually it took several months for me to want that. About 12 years ago I dated a guy who texted me every morning. After 2 weeks of that I had to tell him to stop because he was smothering me.

 

 

You told your guy you want daily communication. He's not giving it to you. His behavior has been pretty consistent including the slow speeds but you say he's a little better. He may simply not be a guy glued to his phone. If everything else about the relationship is good, work to accept this is how he is while encouraging him to give a bit more. Compromise. Meet in the middle. You get more communication but you accept less then daily texts.

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I would call it dating incompatibility. You have different dating styles. Some adjust just fine others can't make it a viable relationship.

 

I am the type of woman that wants regular communication. I don't need to hear from him during the day but I want to touch base each day.

 

I was dating 30 years ago and my ex-husband use to call me each day for a few minutes - and it was long distance, back then it meant a lot of money. When he was away on mission he'd write me a letter each day. I don't think things have changed that much. You like regular communication or you don't.

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I guess my main concern is his level of interest at this point. To me, I miss him when we're not together so it's natural for me to want to talk to him. When he doesn't text or call me, it just feels like he isn't that invested in me yet because if you really like someone, would you not want to talk to that person all the time

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When he doesn't text or call me, it just feels like he isn't that invested in me yet because if you really like someone, would you not want to talk to that person all the time

 

Would you say he's an introvert?

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I guess my main concern is his level of interest at this point. To me, I miss him when we're not together so it's natural for me to want to talk to him. When he doesn't text or call me, it just feels like he isn't that invested in me yet because if you really like someone, would you not want to talk to that person all the time

 

When you first met did you go over what you were looking for ?

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He said he's looking for a long term relationship but he hasn't dated anyone in a couple of years. He has told me he likes me but I still can't tell by his actions. On Monday I called him, he didn't seem interested in talking to me and got off the phone after about 5 mins.

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He said he's looking for a long term relationship but he hasn't dated anyone in a couple of years. He has told me he likes me but I still can't tell by his actions. On Monday I called him, he didn't seem interested in talking to me and got off the phone after about 5 mins.

 

And if I understand well you are now official bf-gf?

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If I were you, I would just pull back and let him contact you. Let him set the pace and see what he does.

 

I personally think a lot of guys just are not great with texting/the phone, and I wouldn't necessarily equate his phone behavior with his level of interest. I also don't think that your anxiety over his potential lack of caring will be alleviated by more texting. I used to think that about my ex, too.

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For me his behaviour is perfectly OK and something I wish for one day.

As yet I haven't met a guy who won't blow my phone up.

But this is not for you so either talk or leave.

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He said he's looking for a long term relationship but he hasn't dated anyone in a couple of years. He has told me he likes me but I still can't tell by his actions. On Monday I called him, he didn't seem interested in talking to me and got off the phone after about 5 mins.

 

I hate talking on the phone. It's a running joke with my husband. When he's on the road and calls, he knows it will only be about a five minute conversation. I'm also not a big texter.

 

Maybe your boyfriend feels the same way.

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He said he's looking for a long term relationship but he hasn't dated anyone in a couple of years. He has told me he likes me but I still can't tell by his actions. On Monday I called him, he didn't seem interested in talking to me and got off the phone after about 5 mins.

 

If when you are together he is making you feel special and there is quality communication/time, there isn't a need to talk every single day. It's only three months and you each should still be having your own lives. If he doesn't call or text for days on end, sure that would bug anyone. But a day or two, in my book, isn't a big deal. Wanting to have that level of interaction and being hurt or worrying is just being insecure and needing constant validation.

 

You can't tell by his phone/texting actions whether or not he's invested enough. But how do you feel when you are with him? Some people just aren't phone/text people.

 

I have been with my SO for almost 2 years now. We spent good, quality time together and have a great time. We don't talk everyday in between because, frankly, we've said enough when we are together and there isn't much to say in between. If something significant or interesting happens, we call each other.

 

You've expressed your desire to have more frequent communication from him and now you have to just sit back and observe whether he attempts to meet that need. It's the holidays and there's alot going on for everyone. See what happens after the holiday season calms down.

 

For now, I wouldn't reach out to him first. Wait it out and see if he contacts you first. This will give you a real gauge on his interest. If you get panicky because he didn't call for two days and reach out first, you are still kinda in the same position because you'd still wonder if/when he would have contacted you. Be patient and sit back and observe for a while.

 

It will be interesting to see if he asks to spend New Year's eve with you.

You say you are boyfriend and girlfriend? If that's really how he views it, he should ask you but don't be too disappointed. He may have had plans before you became official.

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In the time that I've been on LS I'm surprised how many times there have been threads about calling/texting frequency. I'm starting to wonder if my usual "sit down with the person to discuss this" is either stating the obvious or horribly out of step with the times.

 

One thing that I will stand by is don't assign a level of how much he cares about you with the frequency of text. This is more about temperament and basic comfort level than anything else.

 

That being said, I see no harm is clearing this up with a conversation.

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In the time that I've been on LS I'm surprised how many times there have been threads about calling/texting frequency. I'm starting to wonder if my usual "sit down with the person to discuss this" is either stating the obvious or horribly out of step with the times.

 

I actually really think it needs a conversation these days.

My dating and relationship life used to be simple - not anymore - mostly just due to texting...ugh!

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I hate it when people say we need daily communication because we're insecure. It has nothing to do with being insecure, it's about individual normal emotional requirement.

 

Like OP I need a certain amount of communication to feel connected with a man. If a man I am dating would only contact me every 3 days to set up dates I would not feel connected to him EVEN if our dates were fantastic.

 

A normal romantic relationship needs to evolve. The first month we don't connect each day that's normal but then the relationship needs to escalate and evolve. We see each other more and we touch base more often. If not than it's a relationship stuck in time and it will never go anywhere.

 

After 3 months of investment I would expect more from a man than a random text.

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I guess my main concern is his level of interest at this point. To me, I miss him when we're not together so it's natural for me to want to talk to him. When he doesn't text or call me, it just feels like he isn't that invested in me yet because if you really like someone, would you not want to talk to that person all the time

 

 

Not necessarily. That is your script. It might not be his.

 

 

At the stage you are now, not everybody wants or needs daily contact. There is nothing wrong with you for wanting it but there's nothing wrong with him for being more circumspect.

 

He has told me he likes me but I still can't tell by his actions. On Monday I called him, he didn't seem interested in talking to me and got off the phone after about 5 mins.

 

 

A phone call or text is not an action. He may simply not be a phone person.

 

 

Somebody can dislike constant contact & still like you.

 

One thing that I will stand by is don't assign a level of how much he cares about you with the frequency of text. This is more about temperament and basic comfort level than anything else.

 

That being said, I see no harm is clearing this up with a conversation.

 

 

Listen to Wewon!

 

 

But to my original post. You want daily contact. He's been contacting you every 2-3 days. If he increases to every other day & you alternate initiating, that is more contact then his ideal but less then yours. If everything else is good, will this compromise be enough? If you believe that it's daily long conversations & he's not there yet & may never be, you may be incompatible but I respectfully suggest that throwing away a good guy who treats you nicely & is honorable because he doesn't want to be attached to an electronic leash (a phone) seems silly to me.

 

 

 

 

I hate it when people say we need daily communication because we're insecure. It has nothing to do with being insecure, it's about individual normal emotional requirement.

 

Like OP I need a certain amount of communication to feel connected with a man. If a man I am dating would only contact me every 3 days to set up dates I would not feel connected to him EVEN if our dates were fantastic.

 

A normal romantic relationship needs to evolve. The first month we don't connect each day that's normal but then the relationship needs to escalate and evolve. We see each other more and we touch base more often. If not than it's a relationship stuck in time and it will never go anywhere.

 

After 3 months of investment I would expect more from a man than a random text.

 

 

Different strokes. Gaeta is clear about her needs & wants. I take a bit of umbrage at the word "normal" because it marginalizes people like me who don't want / need too much togetherness. Even when DH is away for weeks at a time, our telephone conversations never top 1/2 hour & those are unusually long; usually it's 10 minutes or so.

 

 

The keys are compatibility & compromise. To me if the other person is giving more then their norm, even if that means you accept a bit less, you are working together toward a mutually agreeable situation.

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Different strokes. Gaeta is clear about her needs & wants. I take a bit of umbrage at the word "normal" because it marginalizes people like me who don't want / need too much togetherness. Even when DH is away for weeks at a time, our telephone conversations never top 1/2 hour & those are unusually long; usually it's 10 minutes or so.

 

 

The keys are compatibility & compromise. To me if the other person is giving more then their norm, even if that means you accept a bit less, you are working together toward a mutually agreeable situation.

 

We can't compare the dynamic of a couple that's been together for years and living together to a fresh new relationship.

 

I like daily communication but when I was married my ex and I did not speak during the day of course we saw each other at night and when he went away on mission he barely called once a month and I was ok with that. It's different. Once you are in an established relationship the dynamic is different. You know you got each other. Not at 3 months.

 

I agree this is a matter of compatibility, that's what I mentioned in my first post on this thread. They both meet in the middle but for this to happen she needs to address this with him.

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fitnessfan365

I'm curious OP. Is there a reason why you're always waiting on guys to text/call you on a regular basis? Communication is a two way street so you could easily reach out to him.

 

If anything, I think it makes more sense when women initiate communication between dates. Mainly because it's the one area they can demonstrate interest with their actions. I mean if a guy is planning dates, paying for them, and initiating sex the least a woman can do is send a text first so the guy can plan the next date. Just saying..

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We can't compare the dynamic of a couple that's been together for years and living together to a fresh new relationship.

 

 

I wasn't. To the extent I wasn't clear, at the stage where OP & her new BF are now. . . about 3 months in. . . the amount of contact he's offering a text every 2-3 days & 5 minute phone calls sounds perfectly fine to me as long as they are seeing each other regularly. Somebody who wanted daily communication from me at that stage would have me running.

 

 

So from where I sit, the guy who is apparently not a phone person is trying. If it's not enough for OP it's not enough. That is her choice. But it seems like if that is all that is wrong, it shouldn't destroy this fledging relationship. However, if she feels he can't meet her needs, then what is the point of her trying to change him?

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You have confronted him about this already.

Don't do that again.

Just pull back and see how he behaves. Don't be the only part of the relationship who chases.

 

 

Honestly some guys hate texting or talking on the phone. Some of them just do that to set up dates. See how he behaves when he is with you, that's the most important thing.

 

Also, you should talk on the phone more and text less.

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I'm curious OP. Is there a reason why you're always waiting on guys to text/call you on a regular basis? Communication is a two way street so you could easily reach out to him.

 

UMM ...

 

I've been casually seeing a guy I met off of a dating app for about 3 months. He and I are both 23 years old and we're both busy students and we go to different colleges, but we live about 30 minutes from each other. About a week ago, I initiated the "what are we" conversation with him and he said he hasn't been seeing anyone and he wants to be official.

 

I'm used to having guys texting or calling me on a daily basis. Therefore, after the exclusive talk, I told him that it's nice to hear from him everyday and asked how often he would like to communicate. He said that he's fine with texting anytime and we can try to talk on the phone every other day. The following week, he was on his holiday break while I had to work. I ended up initiating text and phone call the first two days. His texting speed has improved but he still doesn't initiate much.

 

He said he's looking for a long term relationship but he hasn't dated anyone in a couple of years. He has told me he likes me but I still can't tell by his actions. On Monday I called him, he didn't seem interested in talking to me and got off the phone after about 5 mins.

 

It sounds to me like she's initiating plenty.

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acrosstheuniverse

I would find this a bit weird... if I'm with someone, whether it's been a few months or years, I like to be in touch every day, at least a little. But everyone is different, all that's important here is that your own communication needs aren't being met. I would find it hard to continue building that bond with a guy if we were going days at a time without so much as a snapchat or a text. Mostly because I know that when I'm really into someone, I WANT to hear about their day, their plans, how they've been, at some point during each day. So if a guy didn't have that same urge with me, I don't think we'd be on the same page.

 

He knows how you feel, all you can do now is back off a bit and see whether he listens and makes that compromise with you.

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strawberryshortstack
Would you say he's an introvert?

 

I too would consider this. If he's an introvert, he may simply not enjoy speaking on the phone. While there are exceptions, most people I know who are introverts, myself included, simply don't find telephone conversations enjoyable. I'd much rather save the conversations for when I can be face to face with my partner. I do, however, like to keep in touch via texting, but not constantly. I have a job, and a social life outside of my partner, and need to focus on those at times. IOW: I'm not glued to my phone, and not always the best at responding in a timely manner due to that, but that doesn't mean I'm uninterested.

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