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My boyfriend is an alcoholic


Ashley S

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I need some advice. It's the same guy I have been with. It breaks my heart because when he's sober he is a gentlemen. Very kind and respectful. However when he drinks he is a very mean person, well when he gets obliterated not when he has just a few beers or even drunk, its only when he is black out drunk he gets snappy. He gets obliterated, and and tries to pick fights with me. He doesn't insult me or call me names. He just gets really snappy, and angry and tries to pick a fight. I started crying and he says "quit whining. This is why I don't date white girls " it upset me he said that so I broke up with him. When he was sober he felt really bad and said he loves me and he didn't mean to say those things to me and he apologized.

 

I told him he needs to quit drinking because that is what's causing problems in our relationship. He said he will. He has a few beers every night though, he hasn't gotten annihilated and black out drunk since our talk but he does drink 3-4 beers every night and even though he isn't drunk or being mean and is still respectful towards me I am still upset that he drinks 3 to 4 beers every night. I am afraid to leave him because he literally has nobody. He had a horrible upbringing. His dad was the most sadistic, psychotic piece of crap. My bf was physically abused, sexually abused, and emotionally abused and tortured.

 

His mom is garbage because she was physically abusive and knew what was going on but didn't care. She also put a gun to my bf 's face when he was five years old, and said "I will shoot you if you don't calm down." She was just as sick. He has a lot of anger towards her, and he is clinically depressed. His dad luckily has been out.of the picture and is living his own life under a different name so I am glad he's out of my boyfriend's life and has been for 10 years. But I am trying to get his family involved for an intervention but they all disowned him because he would act belligerent and mean towards them but they don't understand that it is a cry for help. He really is a good person with a huge heart, but he a lot of disturbing trauma that festers inside of him but his mom refuses to help him. I don't know what else to do? I love him so much but I don't know how to make him clean. He says he doesn't want help, but he is so smart and a very talented drummer, he has a lot to live.for and he is throwing it all away with alcohol. What should I do? Please I need advice. Thank you for reading.

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he does drink 3-4 beers every night and even though he isn't drunk or being mean and is still respectful towards me I am still upset that he drinks 3 to 4 beers every night.

 

Someone can be alcoholic even if they never get drunk or drink every night. Someone is officially alcoholic if they have an average number of drinks a day > 2.5. Essentially, more than a 12 pack a week.

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startinganew777

Leave. Don't do it. I was married to an alcoholic. They deal with this disease the rest of their lives. No matter if they get help or not. It was a horrible and miserable marriage. He was also "perfect" when he was sober. But he was hardly ever sober. I was the unhappiest I have ever been when I was with him. Just my 2 cents. If I could do it all over again, I would have never married him. I won't even date a recovering alcoholic. It is just too hard and stressful. I won't deal with it all again.

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startinganew777

Don't believe any promises of him saying he will quit. It lasts for a little bit and then starts right back up. With an alcoholic, the drink is more important than anything including you.

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Someone can be alcoholic even if they never get drunk or drink every night. Someone is officially alcoholic if they have an average number of drinks a day > 2.5. Essentially, more than a 12 pack a week.

 

This is not true.

 

It's not the description of an alcoholic.

 

The only one to decide is him.

 

You should leave if he's not willing to change.

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This is not true.

 

It's not the description of an alcoholic.

 

The only one to decide is him.

 

You should leave if he's not willing to change.

 

More than 2.5 beverages a day is the official legal line of being alcoholic. There are two kinds of alcoholics though: Alcoholic dependence, and alcoholic abuse. You're assuming alcoholic abuse.

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More than 2.5 beverages a day is the official legal line of being alcoholic. There are two kinds of alcoholics though: Alcoholic dependence, and alcoholic abuse. You're assuming alcoholic abuse.

 

Is that amount for men or women?

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"I love him so much but I don't know how to make him clean."

 

First, you can't make him clean and you can't help him. Only he can help himself. You're not his therapist. Secondly, IMO you're in an abusive relationship and it will only get worse. That's a big price to pay for being "in love" with an alcoholic.

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You can't fix him.

 

Your need to decide if you want to spend your life supporting a broken person :(

 

I know its hard when you love them, but you also have to love yourself enough to know what you can, and can't accept as an influence in your life.

 

Is this how you want to live?

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You can't fix a drunk.

 

All you can do is leave him to fix himself.

 

The mileage you will put on your youth trying to make him who you want him to be will age you before your time. It's not worth it. He loves alcohol more than you and he will not leave it until HE hits rock bottom with it--if he ever does.

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GunslingerRoland

I told him he needs to quit drinking because that is what's causing problems in our relationship. He said he will. He has a few beers every night though, he hasn't gotten annihilated and black out drunk since our talk but he does drink 3-4 beers every night and even though he isn't drunk or being mean and is still respectful towards me I am still upset that he drinks 3 to 4 beers every night.

 

Obviously the part about him getting black out drunk and being abusive is bad. But I'm not sure that drinking 3-4 beers a night, if he isn't drunk and it doesn't change his personality is necessarily a sign of an alcoholic.

 

 

For a grown man, with a high alcohol tolerance that is the same as a woman having a glass or two of wine with dinner, maybe less.

 

 

If the issues were with him drinking to excess, not necessarily everyone has to go cold turkey.

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You MUST MUST MUST read a book called Co-dependant No More. You are in a co-dependant relationship where you spend your time and energy and invest and invest some more to take care of what is HIS problem, not yours. In the meanwhile, he continues and does not have an issue with his drinking. He is alcoholic, but you have a problem with alcohol that you are desperately trying to solve - unfortunately, alone.

You are already so deep into psycho-analyzing him and his childhood, you are already into making excuses for whatever he does and you already keep forgiving and forgiving...

That is a downward spiral. It will never get better because it takes HIM to do something and he is apparently doing very little, but just enough that you would think he is doing something and it gives you a reason for more justifying and him a reason to say he is trying.

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You can't quit drinking by continuing to drink alcohol every day. He either needs to get in AA and really quit, or you need to dump him. I'm saying the latter, because I've never heard you describe a guy you knew who sounded like anything other than really bad. I don't know which one this one is, because they've all blended together in the past: sneaky, controlling, manipulative, mean. You need to learn to like better people.

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Thanks everyone for the advice. It is really hard to leave him because he said I am all he has, and I make him happy. His friends said "I love him , but I keep my distance." He literally has nobody and I don't want it to be a situation where if I leave him he will drink himself to death and die. I know it will be his choice to do that but with my nature and character I will blame myself, and not look at it like "he did it to himself." It really does break my heart. He numbs the pain of all what he went through when he was a child. It was disgusting and torturous and it bothers him really bad.that his.famiy cut him out. Instead.of seeing.his belligerence as a cry for help, they just shunned him out of their lives and his sisters and mother and her messed up boyfriend all told me "he is all yours. You deal with him. Don't contact me anymore about him." I was trying to get an intervention going but they are leaving me with him alone and figured F you basically and it makes me sick how they are so willing to give up on him and not actually try.and.help him. I love him, and.I know he'll be even better if he stops his drinking. I told.him that alcohol is a slow.killer. He's going to end up with liver.problems/ failure and other organ problems. It kills me. I can't just pick up and leave because I do have an attacthment towards him and I love him, and I.don't want to be like everyone else and give up on his so it is really.hard. thanks for all the advice

. I feel like I am so stuck. :(

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because I do have an attacthment towards him and I love him, and I.don't want to be like everyone else and give up on his so it is really.hard. thanks for all the advice

. I feel like I am so stuck. :(

 

You are a smart young woman. Leave him, his life is not your battle. If no one wants to help him in his family and friends it's because he was very poor at building bridges with the most important people in his life. It's HIS problem. HIS life to waste away.

 

You now, you don't want to be like everyone else? Then LEAVE because if you stay you WILL be like all these other women who stood by a drunk and wasted their youth and life away. If you stay you will become a statistic, another woman standing by a drunk and thinking she can change him or give him a better life. Years will go by and you will wake up older, with all of your dreams shattered, still with a drunk.

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I do think about my future a lot. I do wonder if I will be one of those that will waste my life away, but in the same breath I just can't give up on him, because i know he will drink himself to death to kill himself because he will have nobody. He says I am his "everything", but I told him if I am his everything then he should quit drinking, but he said his thoughts are too painful to fully quit. He is plagued by his childhood and teenhood abuse, and now his family wants nothing to do with him, that plagued him even more. I feel so sad that he is so riddled with sadness, and nobody wants to be around him, but that makes him upset as well, but his addiction is over ruling him because he's obviously not upset enough to change. If I left it wouldn't be a wake up call, he would be like "**** it, I lost my family, lost my friends, lost my girlfriend. I am just going to drink myself into oblivion." And he won't be like "I better clean up because I am losing everyone." I know he'll go the other route if I were to leave him and cut him off.

 

However, he did say something weird to me last night. I gave him a letter of my deepest feelings towards, thinking that maybe would help him, and after he read the letter, the next day he was like "I don't even like drinking really. I am just going to quit. I feel like you're all i need, and I don't want to lose that." But....this morning, thanksgiving day. He just left the house, and he said he's meeting up with his friend Jarrett this morning, and I can swing by if he's still there. I am thinking he's going off and drinking with him because that guy is an alcoholic. Also it's thanksgiving and his family didn't call him or invite him over for thanksgiving and I know that is eating him up more and more. It's just really hard, and I guess I can't change him. I was trying to get an intervention going.

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He isn't going to change overnight and even if he does quit drinking, he'll need support. Therapeutic support. He has a lot of unresolved issues that he's self medicating to cover up. If he quits drinking, it doesn't resolve the underlying issues.

 

At some point you will have to consider that you staying with him in this state isn't helping him. You staying when he's still doing nothing to fix his issues only gives him reason not to change.

 

He's selfish and self absorbed right now. How does he have anything left to give to you to make a healthy relationship?

 

I know you understand all of this, I can see it in your posts, but at some point you'll have to decide if this is what you want your life to look like indefinitely.

 

I've been in your shoes. It didn't work out well. Even after my ex quit drinking, it didn't solve the issue. After that he was depressed for years and wasn't employed. Then he repaid me by chasing after (and cheating with) a younger woman after I gained weight and was tired and exhausted from trying to take care of the both of us all the time. It ultimately effected ME psychologically and physically. He swears I saved his life but in turn I feel like he took mine.

 

Do you want that to be you?

 

The hardest thing I had to come to terms with was knowing that my loving him was never enough and was never going to be enough. You loving your man isn't enough for him to fix this. He has to want to do it and he has to actually make a plan to make it happen. If he doesn't, he's just going to suck the life out of you with this toxic unhealthy approach he has to relationships and life.

 

You can't let HIS choices impact yours. What he chooses to do if you walk away is not your problem. Of course you care about him and want him to be happy and healthy, but if he chooses not to do that if you walk, that's on HIM... not you.

 

The best you can do for you in this situation is to focus on yourself. Do what makes YOU happy, make a life for yourself. If that includes him,OK fine. If it doesn't, so be it. Just be happy with whatever choice you make. Don't let his issues override your needs, desires and dreams.

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I do think about my future a lot. I do wonder if I will be one of those that will waste my life away, but in the same breath I just can't give up on him, because i know he will drink himself to death to kill himself because he will have nobody. He says I am his "everything", but I told him if I am his everything then he should quit drinking, but he said his thoughts are too painful to fully quit. He is plagued by his childhood and teenhood abuse, and now his family wants nothing to do with him, that plagued him even more. I feel so sad that he is so riddled with sadness, and nobody wants to be around him, but that makes him upset as well, but his addiction is over ruling him because he's obviously not upset enough to change. If I left it wouldn't be a wake up call, he would be like "**** it, I lost my family, lost my friends, lost my girlfriend. I am just going to drink myself into oblivion." And he won't be like "I better clean up because I am losing everyone." I know he'll go the other route if I were to leave him and cut him off.

 

However, he did say something weird to me last night. I gave him a letter of my deepest feelings towards, thinking that maybe would help him, and after he read the letter, the next day he was like "I don't even like drinking really. I am just going to quit. I feel like you're all i need, and I don't want to lose that." But....this morning, thanksgiving day. He just left the house, and he said he's meeting up with his friend Jarrett this morning, and I can swing by if he's still there. I am thinking he's going off and drinking with him because that guy is an alcoholic. Also it's thanksgiving and his family didn't call him or invite him over for thanksgiving and I know that is eating him up more and more. It's just really hard, and I guess I can't change him. I was trying to get an intervention going.

 

Don't be so naive. He is guilting you into staying in this relationship. If he drinks himself to death it's HIS problem. He will survive, he'll figure it out, and once he's left alone he may get a clue it's time to change his life around.

 

And don't kid yourself, he won't stop drinking on his own no matter if he promises it 100 time. If he is serious about cleaning up his act then he needs to show up at your next AA meeting. That would be the ONLY proof he means what he says.

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His friends said "I love him , but I keep my distance." He literally has nobody and I don't want it to be a situation where if I leave him he will drink himself to death and die.

This is what's known as being an 'enabler.'

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This is the same boyfriend from your other threads, I assume?

 

If so, this guy knows your vulnerabilities and weak points, and preys on them to manipulate you into staying. He has a boat-load of issues you can't fix. And I believe he is not being honest about a lot of things he's told you. He knows what he's doing. You, unfortunately, lack the experience and objectivity to see it.

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Al Anon could help you.

 

You see: the alcohol controls him and you try and control that.

 

You are never going to win the battle alcohol has over another person. It's for them to decide. It's only for them to decide whether or not to attempt to quit.

 

You can not do it for him.

 

 

You're wasting your energy if you think you can change this.

 

You are better off leaving him.

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Thanks everyone for the advice. It is really hard to leave him because he said I am all he has, and I make him happy.

 

1. No, you're not all he has. He has alcohol and that makes him happier. If it wasn't the case, he'd stop drinking.

 

2. He wants to turn you into his enabler and this is exactly how they do it.

 

It's your youth that'll be wasted behind this guy--and you're only young once. These are the years which you must invest wisely and choosing not to see the looming brick wall ahead of you will not hurt anyone else in the long run but you.

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I know you want to act like you're some sort of martyr, that you're too scared to leave him because he has no one, but lets all be real here. You're scared to leave him because YOU don't want to be alone. You'd rather just accept the scraps of him that exist when he's not drinking.

 

He's too broken for you. You can't fix him. No amount of your love or caring will help this guy.

 

End result is that he's going to drag you so far down, that you'll have no clue how to get back up.

 

You're enabling him, his friends enable him.

 

You're never going to change him, he's going to have to do that for himself. And that means going to AA.

 

There was this guy I knew a couple years ago. We went out on a few dates and then he confessed he was a recovering alcoholic. My knee jerk reaction was to just cut and run, however I did a bit of research into it before I made my ultimate decision, and that decision was, to leave.

 

1. Alcoholics are incapable of just stopping on their own. They need a program. If there is no program, there is no hope.

 

2. Alcoholics in recovery programs are NEVER recovered. They will always remain in "recovering" status because there is no cure for alcoholism, they are always just one drink away from becoming active alcoholics again.

 

3. Alcoholism is a demon that never goes away. The urge, the desire, it will ALWAYS be there and it takes a lot of will power and conscious effort to no fall back into old habits.

 

4. Alcoholics who get into a program and strongly advised to NOT have ANY personal relationships (bf/gf) for AT LEAST ONE FULL YEAR in an AA program. The ups and downs of a recovering alcoholic are too wild to focus on a personal relationship.

 

5. Alcoholics are SELFISH. The drinking makes them selfish, and even in recovery they are selfish. Everything goes on their terms, everything revolves around their continued recovery.

 

6. Alcoholics are addicts. AA may help with alcohol but an addict will always have an addicted brain. They may move to sex, food, working out, gambling. Addicted brains are very different from a "normie" brain.

 

7. YOU need to be in Al-Anon programs as well. It's a fact that the people who remain with addicts, and who stay with alcoholics are in fact, co-dependents themselves. There is no question that you yourself are a broken individual for staying with him.

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