Work colleague

[SoFrustrated]

Please tell me if I'm being overly irrational...

 

I live with my bf. We have been together almost 1.5 years. He is 32 and I am 29.

 

He has been away this week for work. He is with a female work colleague who he has known for a number of years. She has a partner.

We argued a little over it prior to him going. My insecurities got the better of me. We worked it out, or so I thought...

She picked him up and they drove to the work site together (three hours away). He called me that night, and was drunk...with her and two male colleagues. I was a little upset, but was ok. The next day, after working a few hours, he told me that he was taking this female colleague to his families winery for a little 'break between trips'. This upset me because the trip was starting to feel a little too personal and less work like. We argued about it but then got over it. Well....tonight I feel that he has completely crossed the line. Prior to the two of them going out for dinner (they went out for dinner last night too), he invited her to come around to his 'place' (they are staying in different rooms, same motel) for a few drinks before dinner. They apparently had these drinks outside on the balcony. He admitted that he knew this would upset me, but did it anyway. He is angry at me and has told me to get over it, but has promised drinks in or near the motel won't happen again.

I am so so angry. Is this ok? Am I just being a controlling loser?

Edited November 4, 2015 by SoFrustrated

[gustia]

Ask him how he would feel if you did the same.

[SoFrustrated]

He said it wouldn't bother him because he trusts me

[d0nnivain]

You are not a loser. Because he knows you aren't comfortable with his relationship with this particular colleague, a considerate BF would not intentionally throw her in your face. If everybody went to the winery you need to try to get your jealousy under control. Since they work together, you need to find a way to deal with her. If he spends too much time with her 1 on 1, you have more grounds to be upset.

 

 

The 1st year we were married DH went away for an extended business trip. I went to that out of state location & met his colleagues. One was a young attractive woman & I was livid about the amount & quality of attention DH was paying to her, especially when it was taking away the little time he had to spend with me. The only thing that helped was that she went out of her way to demonstrate that she wasn't interested in my husband. She talked about her BF. She drew me into the conversation. I didn't get the feeling she was hiding in plain sight. About a year later I was even introduced to her BF, then FI.

 

 

So even if your BF's behavior could use some work, how is the female work colleague behaving?

[SoFrustrated]

He only took her to his families winery. The others stayed back. I know I can tend to go overboard with my thoughts and sometimes my words come out like venom. He texted me earlier, after I asked him to call me and wrote this:

 

I'm not. The incessant long winded phone calls watching and hearing you moan is painful and boring. I'd rather not thank you

 

Pretty nasty.

 

I have no idea how she acts, I've never met her. She has a partner. It angers me that the two of them willingly went to a bottle shop tonight to buy a case of beer to have together (just the two of them), prior to going out for a quick dinner...wtf

[d0nnivain]

That text says it all. There is no way I'd continue to date a guy who was so nasty to me.

 

 

I would be packed & out of the apartment before he got back. If it's your apartment, I'd have his stuff packed & ready for his departure.

Edited November 4, 2015 by d0nnivain

[Glitters]

There are no set boundaries here.

 

He says he wouldnt mind if tables were turned? Do it. Then see how nasty he will be. He will blow up like you've never seen him before and will be out of the relationship before you know it.

 

Since you let go all the previous times ( not blaming you), he has got in to his head that you will let go every time.There comes a time when you have to say No.That, only you can decide.

[clia]

He only took her to his families winery. The others stayed back. I know I can tend to go overboard with my thoughts and sometimes my words come out like venom. He texted me earlier, after I asked him to call me and wrote this:

 

I'm not. The incessant long winded phone calls watching and hearing you moan is painful and boring. I'd rather not thank you

 

Pretty nasty.

 

I have no idea how she acts, I've never met her. She has a partner. It angers me that the two of them willingly went to a bottle shop tonight to buy a case of beer to have together (just the two of them), prior to going out for a quick dinner...wtf

 

What is he referring to in that text? Have you been excessively complaining about him being on a business trip with this woman? He's obviously tired of your insecurity about the situation. I mean, you obviously don't trust him. That gets tiresome. Do you really think he wants to have sex with this woman? Do you really think she wants to have sex with him?

 

My husband travels regularly for work. He goes out to dinner and drinks with colleagues, including women. That's life when you are on the road. I did the same when I travelled. I can't imagine how annoyed he'd be if I was complaining about him having drinks with a female coworker and acting all insecure about it. At some point, you have to trust him. I personally think you are overreacting and you are going to (if you haven't already) drive him away with your insecurity.

[Missedsignals]

He crossed the line in my book. That is too much drinking alone time. Especially when combining it with going to each other's rooms. If other colleagues were there it would be no problem in my book. But that is a little too private for people that are in relationships. Would rather see them meet up at the dive bar, not buying drinks to consume in their rooms together.

[losangelena]

My husband travels regularly for work. He goes out to dinner and drinks with colleagues, including women. That's life when you are on the road. I did the same when I travelled. I can't imagine how annoyed he'd be if I was complaining about him having drinks with a female coworker and acting all insecure about it. At some point, you have to trust him. I personally think you are overreacting and you are going to (if you haven't already) drive him away with your insecurity.

 

I agree on some level, but her BF and this woman purposefully bought wine (or beer?) to drink together on his balcony hotel room. He took only her to his family winery.

 

That does not sound like run of the mill work colleague behavior. Why not invite a male coworker up to the room as well? That's a simple thing. Instead he told her, "I knew it would bother you but I did it anyway." Wowwee! That's harsh.

 

OP, you and your guy seem to have a pretty bad relationship. Nothing you've posted about him sounds great. I would think about breaking up with him. I have said that before.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I travel a lot for work. My best friend there is a married male colleague. We often share accommodation (although different rooms). When others are around and willing, we always invite them to whatever we are doing. During work trips, there is a lot of social and fun time in between work.

 

Last time we stayed together, we actually went to a bottle shop and got 4 bottles of wine. We drank nearly all of them, alone, in the apartment, on the couch. Nothing happened. There was never any attraction. We just laughed and talked till about 4am and he passed out on the couch, while I went to my room to sleep.

 

So yeah, I think you are over-reacting. Nothing he is doing is out of norm.

[SoFrustrated]

Thanks for everyone's opinion. He's being passive aggressive by ignoring me, yet wonders why I get insecure. He also told me he would be laying off the drinking. He was drunk/tipsy two nights out of three.

 

 

I still believe that what he did was wrong. He comes home today.