Jump to content

If I can’t remind her of the good, I’ll lose her. How would you go about this?


justtrying

Recommended Posts

Hi everyone,

 

Thanks for reading. I find myself in a potentially extremely heartbreaking situation. I’ve been with my girlfriend for 2 years (we’re both 25), to put it simply the last 3 months were very very rough, this was mostly due to very specific living and working locations we were in (in Chicago) but no longer are, it put a lot of stress on us and the result was awful. Our communication fell apart and we fought a lot and just general bad stuff. These issues were somewhat there before but this definitely was extreme and really went as badly as it could have done.

 

I began to realise how bad it was and how bad the result could be but didn’t know how to handle it. A few weeks ago we finally talked it out, got it all off our chest and things seemed to be a bit better.

 

From my side I have no issues with her and want to get right back in to the swing of things. She WANTS to too, but currently, she can’t. she doesn’t have the urge to be affectionate, she just can’t feel normal and instead is feeling doubt and nervousness. We talked it out again and it’s clear what I have to do, which is communicate with her, stop being nervous about the situation (it causes me to say and do things that are definitely not great) and basically help get her back calm and feeling like we can get back to how great things were before.

 

My question is, how would you go about this?

 

Taking a step back and waiting for her?

Suggest things like going out on a date and start somewhat fresh?

Try to spend a lot of time around her to remind her how things are?

 

She has openly said she’s trying really hard and wants everything to be ok. I’m very aware that this could very likely result in her ending it. I just want to know how you guys would approach this situation to give yourself the best chance (or, as a girl, what you think would be mostly likely to help improve your outlook).

 

Thank you very much and to anyone else struggling, I really hope it works out for you.

Edited by justtrying
Link to post
Share on other sites
She has openly said she’s trying really hard and wants everything to be ok.

She might have said that but what has she done about it?

 

Seems to me that she's just squeezing her eyes together and saying she's trying, while it's you who's putting in all the actual effort...

 

It takes 2 to make a relationship work. Is she pulling her weight; not just saying that's trying, but actually trying?

Link to post
Share on other sites

My question is, how would you go about this?

 

Taking a step back and waiting for her?

Suggest things like going out on a date and start somewhat fresh?

Try to spend a lot of time around her to remind her how things are?

 

None of these.

 

I'd work on this:

(it causes me to say and do things that are definitely not great)

 

It sounds like you have some things you need to work through and resolve so that this isn't rearing its ugly head all the time to the point where it's damaging your relationships because you don't have a grip on it.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Try a little romance. A candle lit dinner, dancing, flowers, a nice bubble bath. Pay attention to her. Be the guy she fell in love with not the guy who wasn't communicating with her when times got tough.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
She might have said that but what has she done about it?

 

Seems to me that she's just squeezing her eyes together and saying she's trying, while it's you who's putting in all the actual effort...

 

It takes 2 to make a relationship work. Is she pulling her weight; not just saying that's trying, but actually trying?

 

Thank you for the reply. We spent some time together but I could tell she was on edge. I think she's trying in terms of trying to convince herself, but maybe spending more time together would really be here trying?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
None of these.

 

I'd work on this:

 

It sounds like you have some things you need to work through and resolve so that this isn't rearing its ugly head all the time to the point where it's damaging your relationships because you don't have a grip on it.

 

Thank you for your reply. The only thing is getting a chance to show that. Due to how she's feeling about this all I doubt she'll initiate spending much time together, do you think I should be the one to do so? In order to give myself a platform to show that I've finally got a grip of how to control my actions.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Try a little romance. A candle lit dinner, dancing, flowers, a nice bubble bath. Pay attention to her. Be the guy she fell in love with not the guy who wasn't communicating with her when times got tough.

 

Thank you for your reply. I would love to do those things, I really am treating her fantastically and she has acknowledged that and she's acknowledged that she's one not acting normal. She just doesn't know how to start again and fears she wont be able to. Do you think I should suggest a date night such as the one you mentioned? Should I be that up front? I fear putting pressure on her could make her rush a decision. I'm just not sure how the idea of romance would appeal to her if she has no urge to be affectionate to me at the moment. Then again, what choice do I have?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thank you for your reply. The only thing is getting a chance to show that. Due to how she's feeling about this all I doubt she'll initiate spending much time together, do you think I should be the one to do so? In order to give myself a platform to show that I've finally got a grip of how to control my actions.

 

Depends. Is this resolved fully and completely? How long have you been working on this resolution and have you been working with a therapist?

 

Resolution removes panic. You're sounding a bit panicky, to be honest.

 

She may not believe that you've done anything substantial--just enough to try to hook her back and that could be why she's over it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Why is Chicago to blame?

Maybe I am incredibly naïve but I don't understand how a an actual location could be the cause of relationship issues as bad as this sounds.

What was it about Chicago that wrecked the relationship?

Link to post
Share on other sites
to show I've finally got a grip of how to control my actions.

 

Sorry to post again but what does 'finally got a grip of how to control my actions' mean exactly?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Depends. Is this resolved fully and completely? How long have you been working on this resolution and have you been working with a therapist?

 

Resolution removes panic. You're sounding a bit panicky, to be honest.

 

She may not believe that you've done anything substantial--just enough to try to hook her back and that could be why she's over it.

 

Depends. Is this resolved fully and completely? How long have you been working on this resolution and have you been working with a therapist?

 

Resolution removes panic. You're sounding a bit panicky, to be honest.

 

She may not believe that you've done anything substantial--just enough to try to hook her back and that could be why she's over it.

 

This is all very fresh. It's only been a few weeks since we finally discussed our issues and it's only been 4 days since we spent time together and she realised she felt even less normal than she thought. She definitely needs convincing that I would actually make the changes to the things that bother her, maybe if she knew for a fact I would then it'd be a lot easier for her to see our future in a more positive light.

 

The only way I can see it's possible for me to prove anything substantial to her is by spending time together, would you say that's incorrect?

 

The day to day panic has left my system, the reason it was really there was due to terrible communication on my part. I must seem nervous now but that's due to the fear of not being able to save the best aspect of my life.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thank you for your reply. The only thing is getting a chance to show that. Due to how she's feeling about this all I doubt she'll initiate spending much time together, do you think I should be the one to do so? In order to give myself a platform to show that I've finally got a grip of how to control my actions.

 

What does this mean, exactly? What have you said or done in the past that has apparently hurt her this much?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Why is Chicago to blame?

Maybe I am incredibly naïve but I don't understand how a an actual location could be the cause of relationship issues as bad as this sounds.

What was it about Chicago that wrecked the relationship?

 

Chicago itself had no relevance, it's where we were located which is in a different state from home (Maine). It was to point out that we weren't based around our regular life.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Sorry to post again but what does 'finally got a grip of how to control my actions' mean exactly?

 

What does this mean, exactly? What have you said or done in the past that has apparently hurt her this much?

 

I never did anything terrible (cheating, abuse) nothing even remotely like that. A big problem she has with me is that instead of calmly communicating things, I got nervous and acted in irritating ways, trying too hard, making strange comments, generally just being quite hard to be around. I was aware it was annoying but I didn't really know how to stop it without talking about it. Thankfully we've finally spoken about it but now I fear it's too late to show her that that's not how I now regularly behave.

 

Thank you very much for your replies.

Edited by justtrying
Link to post
Share on other sites
I never did anything terrible (cheating, abuse) nothing even remotely like that. A big problem she has with me is that instead of calmly communicating things, I got nervous and acted in irritating ways, trying too hard, making strange comments, generally just being quite hard to be around. I was aware it was annoying but I didn't really know how to stop it without talking about it. Thankfully we've finally spoken about it but now I fear it's too late.

 

Thank you very much for your replies.

 

This is quite vague. Can you give some examples of these strange comments? Or an example of something irritating you did? I still don't really get what the problem was, in that regard.

 

I feel it is relevant because it will give us better insight into her perspective of you, and how you might go about approaching her now.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I never did anything terrible (cheating, abuse) nothing even remotely like that. A big problem she has with me is that instead of calmly communicating things, I got nervous and acted in irritating ways, trying too hard, making strange comments, generally just being quite hard to be around. I was aware it was annoying but I didn't really know how to stop it without talking about it. Thankfully we've finally spoken about it but now I fear it's too late to show her that that's not how I now regularly behave.

 

Thank you very much for your replies.

 

I can relate.

 

I told mine "F-you", and realize it was harsh, but at the same time, I was cheated on in the past, and she did specifically know it would hurt me hiding a guy and did so anyway.

 

You have to ask why you are put in that position to begin with that such "urges" come up.

 

You felt uneasy, and there were reasons for it. They are called "gut instincts".

 

Sometimes we react accordingly, sometimes we go overboard.

 

Your relationship was doomed even before you "did what you did".

 

The end result would have been the same.

Link to post
Share on other sites
acted in irritating ways, trying too hard, making strange comments, generally just being quite hard to be around. I was aware it was annoying

 

Was is emotional abuse? It does certainly sound like it could have been from most of the things you you say here.

 

For the record though is she doesn't want to be around you then you need to respect that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
This is quite vague. Can you give some examples of these strange comments? Or an example of something irritating you did? I still don't really get what the problem was, in that regard.

 

I feel it is relevant because it will give us better insight into her perspective of you, and how you might go about approaching her now.

 

Just being really eager to please and impress her. Too eager, because I know when I'm calm and composed she likes me far more. You know the feeling you get when someone is trying too hard to be nice? Or commenting on everything to fill silence (regular, not awkward silence). I guess it's quite hard to describe, but due to not communicating well I sort of took it upon myself to jump at every chance to impress and when you do that 90% of the time it's not the right thing to do and is irritating. If someone is irritating you a lot I'm sure it becomes hard to see being with them long term in as much of a positive way.

 

I also think it's definitely relevant that there are a lot of things she really does like about me, but of course after a big bad spell it's a lot easier to think of the impact the bad things have, even if they don't seem that bad to outsiders.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Was is emotional abuse? It does certainly sound like it could have been from most of the things you you say here.

 

For the record though is she doesn't want to be around you then you need to respect that.

 

No, I absolutely was not and never would be abusive to her. She absolutely has issues with how I've behaved but it has never been in that area.

 

She said a number of times she wants to want to spend time with me, she just can't bring herself to feel normal and she's trying really hard.

Link to post
Share on other sites
None of these.

 

I'd work on this:

 

It sounds like you have some things you need to work through and resolve so that this isn't rearing its ugly head all the time to the point where it's damaging your relationships because you don't have a grip on it.

 

Nothing more sexy and romantic than a loose cannon eh? Ooo where do I sign up for some of this? Oy vey. Good call Kendahke

Link to post
Share on other sites
Was is emotional abuse? It does certainly sound like it could have been from most of the things you you say here.

 

For the record though is she doesn't want to be around you then you need to respect that.

 

Emotional abuse…. good topic here….

 

I believe some of what is classified as "emotional abuse" can also be explained by reacting to what is input.

 

I am a very loving guy, but can be pushed to saying things in anger if i am pushed too far. It isn't like I make a habit of it, just that some things (like lying, cleating).

 

Just like the "F-You" I told the last girl. I normally am not inclined to go that far.

 

The other person can't just sit back and think they did no wrong. This last girl I was with thought she could do no wrong, never apologized for hurting my feelings, even when I pointed out she did so.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Nothing more sexy and romantic than a loose cannon eh? Ooo where do I sign up for some of this? Oy vey. Good call Kendahke

 

Man the cannons, where yas powder?

 

Aye captain…. approach the port stern,,, light em up!!!!

 

hehehe ;)

Link to post
Share on other sites

OK, maybe all the trying too hard has suffocated her.

If It has then you need to give her space. Wait it out and see if she comes to you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Emotional abuse…. good topic here….

 

I believe some of what is classified as "emotional abuse" can also be explained by reacting to what is input.

 

I am a very loving guy, but can be pushed to saying things in anger if i am pushed too far. It isn't like I make a habit of it, just that some things (like lying, cleating).

 

Just like the "F-You" I told the last girl. I normally am not inclined to go that far.

 

The other person can't just sit back and think they did no wrong. This last girl I was with thought she could do no wrong, never apologized for hurting my feelings, even when I pointed out she did so.

 

Maybe a topic for another time. I don't wish for the opening poster's thread to get derailed. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
OK, maybe all the trying too hard has suffocated her.

If It has then you need to give her space. Wait it out and see if she comes to you.

 

Thanks a lot for your input. I guess that's where I'm struggling, whether to push or pull so to speak. The con of giving her space is that, well, maybe she'll get used to life without me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...