Jump to content

Conflicted Feelings and Close Friendship


MoonLyte

Recommended Posts

So I've had this friend for the past 7 years. I've been close to him and we have had this type of friendship that we could be separate for months and then pick right back up from where we started like nothing happened. We tried dating in high school, probably about a year or so after being friends. It turned out to be awkward and we went back to being just friends after about a week or so. We were never physical in any way, with the exception of hugging. We've been very close especially the last few years, and we seem to get closer each time we pick things back up. We've been there for each other through our own relationships with other people. He's now been deployed in the military for the last 3-4 years and will have 2 more left.

 

Over time, we both agreed we didn't do well in long distant relationships. A little over a year ago, we were both single at the time and started getting really close, and in the way of more than just friends. A lot more flirting and we knew that he was to come home to visit for a couple weeks. I hadn't seen him in person since high school. We were both so excited for the visit, and we both knew that if he came home, anything could happen between us.

 

Maybe about a month before he is to come home, he tells me of this girl he's kind of getting involved with. I was really taken back and just really didn't expect that, especially with the way he had previously been interacting with me. It was a hard time for me, but I then backed off, out of respect for the relationship he had chosen with her. This girl didn't know of the feelings between us, but she was a very insecure girl. (She at first acted like she wanted to meet me because she knew I was a close important friend, but then he and I both later found out that was all a show. She became controlling and didn't want him talking to ANY girl. Ever. But she was off with other "guy friends". I felt so bad for him because of how stressed this girl constantly made him, and I just wanted to see him happy.)

 

He visited home and he and I were able to get some one-on-one time together. It was pretty cool and we had a lot of fun, just as we had in high school as friends. Always laughing so hard, we were crying. But we both knew there was something else there..

 

While we never acted on this, it was obvious between us, those feelings were still there. It was quite clear to both of us, had he not been with the other girl, something WOULD have happened between us. It's kind of an odd relationship being that we both had a crush on each other starting in high school, but we never went anywhere with it.

 

I only got one evening with him while he visited home, and we drove around until it was getting dark, and at the end of that day, he pulled over to an out-of-the-way area, where we had discussed what had been going on.

 

(I was also starting to kind of get involved with another guy I had previously been friends with in high school but hadn't talked to or seen in a few years.) I was pretty conflicted at that point. I knew something was starting with the other guy, but it was obvious of my feelings for my long-term friend.

 

He apologized for the way he had gone about things and not telling me about the other girl until kind of the last minute. That night always feels pretty significant to me.. perhaps because it was more of a verbal acknowledgement of how we felt about each other.. but in reality, we knew we couldn't give each other what we would have wanted to, due to the distance and only seeing each other in person once a year.

 

After that, he completely distanced himself from me.. and I struggled. He was my best friend.. and my feelings for him had grown over the years..

I was able to meet up with him at an event with some other friends.. but he barely gave me the time of day, even sitting next to each other, and wouldn't stay a bit after the event either just to talk one-on-one.

 

Once my friend had gone back to where he was stationed from his vacation visiting home, we eventually were able to talk about everything and why he wasn't talking to me or hanging out with me.

It was because of his own conflict with his feelings for me, being with this other girl, and the constant physical distance between us. He valued his special friendship with me that he's never had with anyone else, and was afraid to ruin that- although he admitted that the way he went about things wasn't exactly the best, and apologized on several occasions- even to this day.

 

I grew closer to the other guy friend, who is now my boyfriend of about a year as of this month. We became extremely close with an amazing and loving relationship. We have really grown a lot as individuals and as a couple. My friend and the girl he was with eventually broke up, and he became so much happier and less stressed, which made me happy for him. He wanted to just be single and focus on his career. But like myself, he eventually became unexpectedly involved with someone else and they grew together as a couple.

 

We didn't really talk too much about any feelings between us, and we became very busy with our careers and our relationships, which hasn't left much time for us to talk very often, but we keep up to date enough to know whats going on.

 

A year passed since his last visit, and was able to come home again this month.

 

He didn't get to visit home as long, but made an effort to make time with me. The first day he visited me, it was with me and my boyfriend and it was maybe for a hour total. The second day we were able to hang, we had a couple hours to talk one-on-one.

 

This is where things start to get confusing...

 

Those feelings never really went away for either of us.. but we have always respected each others' relationships. I love my boyfriend and I don't know how I would have gotten through the past year without him.. and my friend has strong feelings for his girlfriend, too.

 

After a couple hours of talking, I had invited my boyfriend to visit with us. After the three of us were together, my friend asks for a haircut ( I do hair for a living ). So we went outside to cut his hair and I had offered my boyfriend to join us, but he declined and sat on the couch watching tv. We had the screen door shut and the glass door open, so if my boyfriend wanted to interact with us, he could. I walked into the house a few times to grab things as I needed them- most of the time for just a quick second. My boyfriend would make kissy face as I walked in, but never got up. I would make the face back and continue with what I was doing. By the second or third time I walked into the house, my boyfriend made the comment "what now I have to ask you to kiss me?" I was kind of surprised, but thought he was maybe just kidding. I walked over to him and kissed him, and then continued on my way to finish the haircut. (Keep in mind that that is what I do for a living, so I go into "work mode" and being all lovey and romantic isn't in my mindset during that mode- even when I do my own boyfriend's hair)

 

I didn't think too much about the incident after the moment passed, until he brought it up a couple days later.

 

My friend had to leave shortly after I finished his hair. I asked my boyfriend if he was gonna get up or not but he stayed on the couch as he said goodbye to my friend (they were also friends growing up and enjoy each others' company). So I walked my friend outside. I was sad because even though he said he would see me again before leaving, I knew it was possible that would be the last time I saw him before leaving for another year. I gave him a hug before leaving, but I didn't want to let go. After quite a few seconds had passed, he quietly said my boyfriend was watching us through the window, so I let him go.

 

When I walked back in, he immediately said "well that was a long hug." I tried to explain to him that we were really close friends and I hadn't seen him in a year and might not see him again for another year and I had offered for him to come outside with us, but he stayed on the couch. He claimed he didn't hear me offer that..

 

I tried talking to him to ease his insecurity of the situation. He didn't say much and just said he had insecurities from past relationships (which I know what he's talking about and knows I would never do to him what they did) I nicely offered for him to look through all my messages between my friend and I to ease his mind, but he declined.

 

A couple days later, I was able to see my friend one more time as he promised- PINKY promised.

 

I told my boyfriend of my plans with my friend and I was going to show him my new car I bought and drive around in it (it's a little sports car with only two seats). I had asked my boyfriend if he was ok with it, to which he replied telling me it was ok and I shouldn't have to ask.

 

My friend and I had a really fun time driving around that evening. We went down this one back road and we were slowly going along, looking at the scenery (since he misses out on it being away).

 

A car came up behind us, so we pulled off to the side. I told him to follow the car so we did lol. We got closer to the car and followed them down the road, they eventually started to speed up - we assumed they were paranoid about us following them xD. They eventually turned off at a gated driveway. We slowed down to a crawl and stared at them out the window and just after we passed by, we sped off down the road, laughing till the tears were down our cheeks, wondering what they probably thought. :lmao:

 

We eventually went to this one park I hadn't known about, and we sat and talked for a good chunk of time. My boyfriend texted a few times to which I replied a couple times, but everyone knows that (unless its business) I don't like to be on my phone when I'm hanging with someone in person (whether a friend or my boyfriend) I find it kinda rude. My boyfriend was displeased with my lack of speed to the replies, but he also didn't send anything that had room for much of a reply.. I told him I loved him and later sent him a Kissy face and heart as a normal response. Because my text was delayed in time, I apologized and told him we had just been driving around and talking and listening to music. He was obviously upset, saying "oh... Glad you're having fun".

I again apologized and explained that I don't get much time with him and he'll be leaving to go back, so that was my last chance to have any time to talk or hang with him. He was still obviously upset, replying with "oh". I didn't know what else to say, and I didn't want to spend the little time I had left, going in circles over him pouting that for ONE night I wasn't giving him instant attention, while other nights he is off with his friends...

 

 

But as the conversation with my friend went on, it became obvious of the feelings that were still there, for us both. Our friendship has always been of extreme importance to us both. We both knew and acknowledged that the last time he had visited, had he not been involved with the other girl, we would have been intimate with each other. But we also acknowledged that things happen for a reason, and that it seems that each time we're faced with our feelings for each other, there's always been a reason for it to never go any further than friendship. And we accept that. We know that it would be too hard to try to make something like that work long distance, and not being in person for a year. But we both know he only has 2 years left, and then he comes home for good.

 

But that doesn't mean those feelings just go away. And it certainly provides confusion and conflict within our relationships. I believe we will always be friends. But we are always in the back of each others' minds.

 

I texted my friend the day before he was to go back to the airport, telling him I missed him. The text didn't go through until later. He had been busy and hadn't replied to it. I later sent him just a random face as normal between us over the years. He later replied with another face, but I was with my boyfriend, so I didn't reply, since I don't like to be on the phone talking to other people while I'm with someone else. But then my boyfriend got a text from a friend and he took his phone and replied to it, so then while he was texting someone else, I figured it was fair that since he was giving his attention to someone else, then I could reply to my friend, too. We have always been open with our messages to other people, but also respectful of not going through each others' phones. I replied to my friend with an emoji of a pair of eyes, just to be silly as normal. My boyfriend was reading over my shoulder of my text conversation with my friend, and saw the previous "i miss you" text. He asked "what was that about?" and I said "What?" he was silent so I asked "the text?" he replied "yea" so I told him "He sent me a face so I sent him back some eyeballs." I kinda laughed at the humor of my own silliness.

He said "the 'i miss you' part" and I told him "That was from when we weren't hanging out."

But he had scooted away from me just a bit since we had been laying together. I didn't know if it was on purpose or he was just adjusting. So I snuggled up to him. He kept sighing, so I said "what?"

"That bothers me, ya know." he said firmly, looking at me. So I sat up a bit, looking at him and asked, "what, the text?" he nodded and I said "What about it?"

He said the "i miss you" followed by the face

I told him that I had sent the "i miss you" previously, and the face was just like a 'hey' or 'poke'.

He was still upset by it, and we spent the rest of the night talking about it.

I think he feels a little better about it after I brought up some really good points. He had been letting his insecurities get to him, plus he hadn't seen too much previously how my friend and I interact on a regular basis just purely as friends, so he didn't know what was "normal" for us. But then he brought up how he stopped being close to everyone except me. But I thought that wasn't fair to ask me to do that because I only have like two friends that even remotely know what happens in my life, versus his billion friends he sees and interacts with. I told him my friend was like the only one I'm really close to or open up to (aside from my boyfriend of course) He replied with "well I don't with anyone", but It's his own problem for not opening up to any of his friends, because I know a couple of them would be great people to trust and be able to open up to without judgment. He claimed I was being distant with him and that it bothered him he had to ask for a kiss when I was cutting my friend's hair. I explained that I was just in "hair" mode and that I still came over and kissed him.

 

I don't know. Maybe things will calm down in a bit... I think he was doing better today, but later there was a bit of an issue and he stopped replying to me.. so now I don't know.

 

I had asked what he was doing tomorrow, and he said "nothing" so i asked if he wanted to come with my sister and I to feed my aunt's lizard, more out of the entertainment that my sister hates touching bugs and would have to feed the lizard her meal worms. Now, he has only met my grandmother out my entire family. He replied "nah, I was gonna clean my room, it needs it" I told him it wouldn't be until like 7pm, and then he could meet my sister. He replies "probably then" I told him we could film it and send it to my aunt and that it would be entertaining, to which he replies "maybe". I said "you're gonna bail, huh?" he said he wasn't ready to meet her. i told him it's been a year and he's only met ONE person in my family and that she wouldn't be mean. he didn't reply so i said "whatever, just forget about it."

his reply was "...."

He said nothing more.. I asked "do you even want to meet my family?" and I got nothing so I said "ok so just stop talking to me completely."

I haven't heard from him since.

 

I love my boyfriend and I couldn't give up the relationship I've built with him, but I feel guilty for wondering what will happen 2 years from now. I love my friend, and I always will, as anyone would with their best friend of many years, no matter the gender.

 

And I am aware of the feelings I have towards my friend... which seem to become stronger every time. But there is nothing anyone can do about any of this.

 

And maybe this is just all stirred up from his visit and will calm back down within the next month..

 

The part I struggle with the most is those thoughts that creep into my mind, wondering how it would be if we were together... but this is where the conflict lies. My friend would fit in perfectly with my family, where as I have a few reservations about my boyfriend, when it comes to that.

 

My boyfriend has serious feelings for me, and I have had them for him, too. But I'm not ready for anything more than what we have now. Which I'm pretty sure he knows.

 

Part of me wants to be with my friend, and part of me thinks we will just always be friends.

 

Welcome to the late ramblings of my conflicted self. It's about 5am now. I suppose sleep would be good at this point.

 

I'm curious as to who made it through the whole thing lol, and who has anything to say

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, I got through it all (for some reason) and I really don't know what to say or what you want to hear. It seems like you aren't willing to give up your relationship with your friend, aren't willing to try and address your constantly building feelings for him (which was almost the entire point of this post) and continuously insist that you don't want to leave your boyfriend for your friend because you love him and a "long distance thing" with your friend would not work. You keep saying that things will probably change if and when your friend returns for good but seem to have adopted and embraced the "wait and see" attitude.

 

Honestly, I don't think waiting and seeing is a good idea. I don't think staying with your boyfriend if you are just going to end up leaving him for your friend is a good idea. And I don't think holding these feelings for your friend and allowing them to flourish and continue to develop if you are going to stay with your boyfriend is a good idea. One of these things is going to have to give. You can't have both. You have obvious romantic feelings for your friend that he seems to reciprocate to the point where your boyfriend began to notice and get jealous. He still allowed you to go on a car-trip with your friend because he still trusts you, but once he doesn't this fantasy is going to come crashing down. This isn't going to end well. Either your friend or your boyfriend or even both are going to be hurt if you continue along your current path. I'm not going to suggest that you are cheating on your boyfriend, not yet, but I am going to ask if your friend was suddenly able to return home, dumped his girlfriend, and asked you to pursue a relationship with him what would you do? If all that's keeping you in this relationship with your boyfriend is the sunk-cost fallacy (you have too much time invested), and the fact that your friend is too far away and has a girlfriend then I'd suggest breaking up with him now. Sure it will hurt, but it will hurt even more when you break up with him in two years, or when he finally calls you out for all but pining for your friend when he's around. I'm not sure if that's the case, because you insist you love your boyfriend and say that he's been extremely helpful throughout the duration of your relationship, but it's not fair to string another person around out of convenience and circumstance. If you are going to break up with him, or if you can't see yourself spending the rest of your life with him, or if you have stronger feelings for your friend than you do for your boyfriend (perhaps expressed as part of the "deeper connection" you claim you two share) then you need to let him go.

 

If you decide you want to keep your boyfriend, then these feelings for your friend need to stop. You need to outright tell your friend that you value him as a person but you want to keep things platonic only. Stop looking for signs that he reciprocates your feelings, stop talking about the "deeper connection" you two share, stop making your boyfriend feel like he's a third wheel when your friend is around, and make his texts less of a priority in your life. You can still be close friends with him, as again I don't think you've actually progressed to a point where you're cheating on your boyfriend, but you cannot be his "special" friend anymore. You cannot continue to pour your emotions into this man and thus by proxy neglect your boyfriend. IF you value your boyfriend and want to stay in a relationship with him, you should try and cultivate the same sort of "deeper connection" you have with your friend with your boyfriend. I all but guarantee you, if you actually attempt to shut these feelings down, clarify that you are just going to be platonic with your friend from now on, pull away a little bit, and invest more in your boyfriend as opposed to splitting your investment between your friend and your boyfriend that your feelings for your friend will stop developing.

 

You need to pick. Now. It's not going to be any easier two years from now. It's going to be harder. And I think you know that, but it's human nature to procrastinate on painful tasks that we do not want to complete-- even if said procrastination is going to hurt more in the long-run. It's going to be hard, but I do not see your current feelings for your friend and your relationship with your boyfriend as a sustainable situation-- especially seeing as you yourself are all but putting a two year time limit until things change. There's a reason why you're up posting this at five in the morning on an internet forum site, and there's a reason why this is so long and detailed as well. You have a tough decision to make. Take some time and think about it. Maybe have a few conversations with your boyfriend and your friend beforehand. But you do need to decide as soon as you are able to.

 

-Reph

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...