cinnamonapples86 Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 I'm trying to figure out if I am wasting my time or not...which I am 70% sure that I am but I want to hear other opinions… I've been “seeing” this guy for about 3.5 months now. We text/talk everyday however he is too busy to meet with me. We have seen each other maybe 4/5 times total. He says he has a demanding job but it’s been hard for me to wrap my mind around why it is THIS difficult to see someone who lives in the same city. He says that he’s been traveling a lot because of work but he rarely makes any plans to meet me when he comes back from his trips. If he’s not working then he’s hanging with his friends. I feel like seeing me is an afterthought or like I’m someone he calls when other plans fall through. The few times we did hang out, I met him when he had plans with other people and he brought me along. His friends were there twice and the other three times we were alone. I have voiced my concern about this. He said it’s too early to talk about this because we are still getting to know each other. But to me, I feel like we are not getting any real opportunities to get to know each other at all. Even though we text every day, and sometimes talk on the phone, I don’t feel like I’m learning anything substantial about him from text messages. I don’t feel like I know any more about him than what I knew 3 months ago. He does initiate the texts and he does initiate when we see each other so that made me think that I should stick around to see what happens but my patience is waning. On top of that, if I ask to see him, he’s always unavailable but when he makes plans he expects me to be available for him. And sometimes he tries to make last minute plans that I simple cannot do. He tells me that he wants to see where things go with me because he likes me a lot and he is willing to compromise but nothing has changed.. I have a life, I work fulltime, I have friends, I volunteer, I have hobbies…but I like him and I want to get to know him so I make time for him when I can yet somehow I feel like I’m asking for too much when I ask to see him more. Recently I told him that I went on a date with someone else and he was surprisingly shocked by this. He asked me a million questions about the date and the guy. I told him I didn’t like the guy at all and didn’t plan on seeing him again but I wanted to be honest with him about it. I don’t know if that was the best thing to tell him but I thought that maybe he’d see that I’m not here to waste my time. But even that didn’t change anything. I remember my ex-boyfriend telling me that he wanted to become my boyfriend because he thought I was so amazing that someone else would take me away. He was definitely bothered by me going on a date with someone else but it didn’t change his behavior. Not to mention the fact that we slept together the last time we hung out which probably wasn’t a good idea. I mean, I definitely want to have sex more than once or twice per month! Anyway, I feel like after almost 4 months that things should be in a different place now. Am I wrong to think this? Am I being impatient? Or is he just not very interested in pursuing me seriously and therefore I should ditch him? He’s going on vacation for a month, I asked if we could hang out before he left town and he said he couldn’t and apologized but said I’d be the first person he calls when he returns… I’m not very confident in that actually happening since it never has before. I think it’s the perfect time to pull away from him. I’m actually glad he’s leaving so I can reevaluate what I want and what I should do next. What are your thoughts?? Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 He’s going on vacation for a month, I asked if we could hang out before he left town and he said he couldn’t and apologized but said I’d be the first person he calls when he returns… I’m not very confident in that actually happening since it never has before. I think it’s the perfect time to pull away from him. I’m actually glad he’s leaving so I can reevaluate what I want and what I should do next. What are your thoughts?? I agree with you. I wouldn't have lasted this long. In four months you've only seen him 4-5 times? I think you're entirely too invested for such a loose arrangement. I also suspect that you aren't seeing the whole picture- guys don't make excuses to hang with friends when they're interested in a woman. Are you sure he doesn't have a wife or girlfriend that he forgot to mention? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Jejangles Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 It sounds to me like he wants a casual relationship. If you want more, I would let this one go, and find someone who is offering more of what you want. I think a big problem you indicated is that he "controls" the relationship. He decides when you see each other and when you talk. After a few months (heck after a month), I think it should be far more reciprocal. I have dated a couple of guys who wanted everything on "their terms" and realised they would be terrible boyfriends. And in fact all of them were never interested in more than casual, they controlled things to keep me distant. So on that note, I would not stick around at this point hoping he will offer more. A few months is long enough to step things up, and he's probably not going to do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Yes he's not serious about having a relationship with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Now is the time to let go. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
J21 Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 He's unavailable-who cares what the reasons are? You require someone available, and he is not--that in itself is a good sign to peacefully part ways. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cinnamonapples86 Posted October 13, 2015 Author Share Posted October 13, 2015 Thanks for the reply! I have been wondering this the entire time honestly. I was trying give him the benefit of the doubt since he does have a demanding job that requires a lot of traveling but then once I saw the pattern...I couldn't help but assume that he has a wife or a girlfriend. Or at least a woman in the picture who he is either thinking about leaving or he is trying to get/get back. Either way...it ain't just work and friends that's holding him up! This I know for sure! Link to post Share on other sites
Author cinnamonapples86 Posted October 13, 2015 Author Share Posted October 13, 2015 Yeah, I think its been long enough. He definitely won't be able to reach me once he returns from that trip! It's perfect timing honestly. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Yeah, I think its been long enough. He definitely won't be able to reach me once he returns from that trip! It's perfect timing honestly. I hope you meant he won't be able to reach you while he's gone too! As of right now, you are off his radar. I agree him leaving for a month is perfect timing, and my guess is HE feels it's perfect timing too. Next. Link to post Share on other sites
fitnessfan365 Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Going in, you knew you wanted consistency and a long term relationship. Yet you choose to start investing in a guy w/such a busy lifestyle that it's hard for him to see you more than 1-2x a month. So just based on how incompatible your lifestyles are, it should have been an easy decision to avoid it. Link to post Share on other sites
J21 Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Going in, you knew you wanted consistency and a long term relationship. Yet you choose to start investing in a guy w/such a busy lifestyle that it's hard for him to see you more than 1-2x a month. So just based on how incompatible your lifestyles are, it should have been an easy decision to avoid it. Easier said than done. We're humans and we sometimes make decisions based off emotions rather than pure logic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cinnamonapples86 Posted October 13, 2015 Author Share Posted October 13, 2015 Going in, you knew you wanted consistency and a long term relationship. Yet you choose to start investing in a guy w/such a busy lifestyle that it's hard for him to see you more than 1-2x a month. So just based on how incompatible your lifestyles are, it should have been an easy decision to avoid it. Geez, you act as if you never liked someone before. Obviously, if you are compatible with someone and everything else is great EXCEPT for their availability, most people (with any human emotions at least) would still date the person just to see if its something that can be worked out over time and with communication. Interacting with people is about compromise, maybe after awhile, we could have progressed enough to make it work, that was my assumption. And he did say that it was only recent that he got so busy. Don't act like my willingness to try was a bad idea. I knew he'd be somewhat unavailable but he never said he would be THIS unavailable so it was a learning experience for me. I tried because I thought it was worth it...now I see its not. That's the end. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cinnamonapples86 Posted October 13, 2015 Author Share Posted October 13, 2015 He's already been contacting me today (like he does everyday) so he'll be able to reach me. It's just up to me to be upfront and say that I don't want to do this anymore. Which I will say...just trying to figure out how/what to say. Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 I don't think you said enough yo truly evaluate this. Did you hit him when he had a really busy work/travel time? At the time you guys started dating he may have known over the next 4 months he would only have 10 free days to date. If you have done a lot of traveling for work you would understand it shuffles other things in your life seriously limiting the amount of free time. Had you been an established relationship then this msy have been more doable where he could ask you to do dome things for him while he travelled. Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 He's already been contacting me today (like he does everyday) so he'll be able to reach me. It's just up to me to be upfront and say that I don't want to do this anymore. Which I will say...just trying to figure out how/what to say. You should say "You are a great person and I've enjoyed knowing you. However, given your very limited time to dedicate to dating, I think we are not compatible for the long term relationship I am personally looking for. I wish you all the best with everything" 3 Link to post Share on other sites
J21 Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 He's already been contacting me today (like he does everyday) so he'll be able to reach me. It's just up to me to be upfront and say that I don't want to do this anymore. Which I will say...just trying to figure out how/what to say. Do it over the phone, not text, and keep it short and sweet. No need to justify anything or explain yourself over and over. Say something along the lines of "I enjoyed meeting you, but I don't think our availabilities match to further continue. I wish you a good trip and all the best in finding what you're looking for". Just leave it at that. No need to drag this on with tears and what not--it wasn't a long relationship and you guys weren't even exclusive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cinnamonapples86 Posted October 13, 2015 Author Share Posted October 13, 2015 I hope you meant he won't be able to reach you while he's gone too! As of right now, you are off his radar. I agree him leaving for a month is perfect timing, and my guess is HE feels it's perfect timing too. Next. He's already been contacting me today (like he does everyday) so he'll be able to reach me. It's just up to me to be upfront and say that I don't want to do this anymore. Which I will say...just trying to figure out how/what to say. Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 I don't think you said enough yo truly evaluate this. Did you hit him when he had a really busy work/travel time? At the time you guys started dating he may have known over the next 4 months he would only have 10 free days to date. If you have done a lot of traveling for work you would understand it shuffles other things in your life seriously limiting the amount of free time. Had you been an established relationship then this msy have been more doable where he could ask you to do dome things for him while he travelled. It's plenty of information. A man who doesn't make time for you at least once a week and is not consistent in SEEING you (not texting you) is not available for a real connection. He just wants some feminine energy whenever he wants it. Plus , at least some of the 4-5 times he saw here were "hang outs' with other friends. When a man is available, he makes one on one dates with you and gives you priority. This guy is throwing crumbs. It doesn't matter what excuses he has for not making her a priority, the thing is, he is not doing what he should be doing and he is not serious boyfriend material. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cinnamonapples86 Posted October 13, 2015 Author Share Posted October 13, 2015 Do it over the phone, not text, and keep it short and sweet. No need to justify anything or explain yourself over and over. Say something along the lines of "I enjoyed meeting you, but I don't think our availabilities match to further continue. I wish you a good trip and all the best in finding what you're looking for". Just leave it at that. No need to drag this on with tears and what not--it wasn't a long relationship and you guys weren't even exclusive. Tears?? LOL. I'm no where near sad or hurt. Maybe sad about another failed dating experience but over him specifically, no way! Wasn't even close enough for all of that. Hell, I was going to end it over text or email. But I like your response...I will say that and he will understand. Last time I hinted on moving on...he apologized and said he'll try to be better about it...hopefully I won't fall for that again. So thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Author cinnamonapples86 Posted October 13, 2015 Author Share Posted October 13, 2015 I don't think you said enough yo truly evaluate this. Did you hit him when he had a really busy work/travel time? At the time you guys started dating he may have known over the next 4 months he would only have 10 free days to date. If you have done a lot of traveling for work you would understand it shuffles other things in your life seriously limiting the amount of free time. Had you been an established relationship then this msy have been more doable where he could ask you to do dome things for him while he travelled. This is why this has been confusing for me. He did say that we started dating at a busy time for him...but I don't think either of us knew it would be THIS busy. Like most people, after weeks had gone by, I started to worry that I'm wasting my time. You start to feel like you don't know what's really going on. And it he's been very communicative and he does keep in touch. We've only went, at the most, two day without talking to each other. But that's tough when its the beginning. If it were already a relationship, I could 100% deal with this just fine but its not so its hard to stay around. Link to post Share on other sites
J21 Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Tears?? LOL. I'm no where near sad or hurt. Maybe sad about another failed dating experience but over him specifically, no way! Wasn't even close enough for all of that. Hell, I was going to end it over text or email. But I like your response...I will say that and he will understand. Last time I hinted on moving on...he apologized and said he'll try to be better about it...hopefully I won't fall for that again. So thanks! Well I didn't mean you were gonna cry specifically, was just saying in general terms to keep it short and to the point. No need to drag this out with unnecessary drama and/or explanations as he might try to convince you otherwise or ask what changed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cinnamonapples86 Posted October 13, 2015 Author Share Posted October 13, 2015 It's plenty of information. A man who doesn't make time for you at least once a week and is not consistent in SEEING you (not texting you) is not available for a real connection. He just wants some feminine energy whenever he wants it. Plus , at least some of the 4-5 times he saw here were "hang outs' with other friends. When a man is available, he makes one on one dates with you and gives you priority. This guy is throwing crumbs. It doesn't matter what excuses he has for not making her a priority, the thing is, he is not doing what he should be doing and he is not serious boyfriend material. I agree! I feel like he's using me to have someone there only when he wants the attention but that's it. And then he can go off and be busy with everyone else and come back when it suits him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Easier said than done. We're humans and we sometimes make decisions based off emotions rather than pure logic. This is why this has been confusing for me. He did say that we started dating at a busy time for him...but I don't think either of us knew it would be THIS busy. Like most people, after weeks had gone by, I started to worry that I'm wasting my time. You start to feel like you don't know what's really going on. And it he's been very communicative and he does keep in touch. We've only went, at the most, two day without talking to each other. But that's tough when its the beginning. If it were already a relationship, I could 100% deal with this just fine but its not so its hard to stay around. The other option is tell him that you are going to date others. When he has time to date you on a regular basis to let him know. I don't know your ages.... If he is traveling alot he likely set up plans with fail and friends that is too early to bring someone you are just seeing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 The other option is tell him that you are going to date others. When he has time to date you on a regular basis to let him know. I don't know your ages.... If he is traveling alot he likely set up plans with fail and friends that is too early to bring someone you are just seeing. It has been said here a million times --- when a man (or woman if roles are reversed) is into you, no matter how "busy" they are, they make time. There is absolutely no excuse for only seeing her once a month for heaven's sake, especially considering they live in the same town. That is ludicrous. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 It has been said here a million times --- when a man (or woman if roles are reversed) is into you, no matter how "busy" they are, they make time. There is absolutely no excuse for only seeing her once a month for heaven's sake, especially considering they live in the same town. That is ludicrous. There comes a point where someone is just too busy. You obviously have never been in a job where you are traveling a ton and how it wears on you. All these little things you fo over the course of a day is noe thrown into one day because you have been hone for two weeks. One day was already marked off because of prior known plans like your parents borthday. We're he not traveling for work...he would have made time. If not you could judge him b6 that measure of making time. Sometimes people don't have time. It's not a reflection of 8nterest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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