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Intimidated by older men


EricaH329

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As I slowly begin putting myself back onto the dating scene, i've noticed that the majority of men reaching out to me (through OLD) are considerably older than I am. I'm not interested in dating men 10 years older than myself, but i've realized that even the men who are 5 years older than me (i'm 28) I tend to shy away from due to me being intimidated.

 

It's silly, I know. How can I be intimidated by someone who i've never even spoken to?

 

Regardless, this problem is seriously limiting my options. Is this normal? Is there a way to overcome this issue?

 

As a side note, I would like to add that I have taken the time to speak with a couple of older men. It always ends because the feeling of intimidation becomes too great for me. I'm always aware of their age in the back of my mind.

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33 is not an "older man" to a 28 year old, IMO. I mean, yes, he's literally chronologically older than you, but you're closer in maturity and stage in life than someone your own age at this point. There's nothing to be intimidated of, at all. They're your equal.

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jam.over.jelly

Intimidated in what way? I'm 25 but find myself attracted to men that are older (in their mid 30s) but only younger guys reach out to me (mid to late 20s).

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As I slowly begin putting myself back onto the dating scene, i've noticed that the majority of men reaching out to me (through OLD) are considerably older than I am. I'm not interested in dating men 10 years older than myself, but i've realized that even the men who are 5 years older than me (i'm 28) I tend to shy away from due to me being intimidated.

 

It's silly, I know. How can I be intimidated by someone who i've never even spoken to?

 

Regardless, this problem is seriously limiting my options. Is this normal? Is there a way to overcome this issue?

 

As a side note, I would like to add that I have taken the time to speak with a couple of older men. It always ends because the feeling of intimidation becomes too great for me. I'm always aware of their age in the back of my mind.

 

I am 29 and have dated considerably younger (a 19 year old when I was 27, and a 20 year old when I was 28).

 

Even in the 20s, the thing I've found to be true is that everyone is immature at some level. The only thing that separates you from someone 6 years older is a few extra years of cynicism mixed with a tablespoon of wisdom.

 

An adult is an adult. The mentality of a 50 year old is the same as a fully developed 18 year old. They care about the same things. They want the same feelings. Only the experiences differ. And aren't we all just a sum of our experiences?

 

Attraction, on the other hand, does change with age ;).

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33 is not an "older man" to a 28 year old, IMO. I mean, yes, he's literally chronologically older than you, but you're closer in maturity and stage in life than someone your own age at this point. There's nothing to be intimidated of, at all. They're your equal.

 

You're absolutely right. I don't know why I can't seem to get that through my head. I think I automatically assume that 'older' equals more wisdom/experience/maturity, although that isn't always the case.

 

Intimidated in what way? I'm 25 but find myself attracted to men that are older (in their mid 30s) but only younger guys reach out to me (mid to late 20s).

 

As I mentioned above, I believe I feel intimidated due to my brain equating age with maturity. I feel as though they are more of an 'adult' than I am. So silly!! I don't know how or when I started thinking this way, but it's only now becoming a problem.

 

I am 29 and have dated considerably younger (a 19 year old when I was 27, and a 20 year old when I was 28).

 

Even in the 20s, the thing I've found to be true is that everyone is immature at some level. The only thing that separates you from someone 6 years older is a few extra years of cynicism mixed with a tablespoon of wisdom.

 

An adult is an adult. The mentality of a 50 year old is the same as a fully developed 18 year old. They care about the same things. They want the same feelings. Only the experiences differ. And aren't we all just a sum of our experiences?

 

Attraction, on the other hand, does change with age ;).

 

When I was younger, I would only date men older than myself. At 17, I dated a 26 year old. At 22, I had a crush on a 48 year old man! I had no reservations, and if I liked someone then age didn't matter.

 

That could just be chalked up to naivety though.

 

You're right, we all inevitably want the same things (more or less). I guess right now I just want someone who has similar experiences to mine. I've never been married or had children, and a lot of older men do (the ones that have shown interest in me, anyway). And I find that experience... well... intimidating.

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GunslingerRoland

In fairness 33 "sounds" a lot older than 28 in some ways. At least for me I think of a 28 year old as still being a young adult, getting started on their life, relatively fresh out of school. Whereas I expect a 33 year old to be more set in their life.

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OP I totally get it. I am older than you: mid to late 30s. Never marries and no kids.

 

Some people my age seem so "mature." I am still the social person who goes out a few nights a week...though now I am more apt to go to bed early. ;)

 

Although, based on my age, I should be looking at people from roughly 30-45, those people over 40 seem so "old" and "experienced" and I meet many men my age who have kids and/or are divorced. Which feels like a huge life stage away.

 

Or other people who are way more professionally accomplished, they feel like they have had 3 careers at my age.

 

I match best with people a little bit more similar in life experience to me. I haven't quite been able to get to a 40 something yet. Many I have met feel really old or really really young.

 

I am still looking. My current target is a little younger than me, but we are in a similar life stage in many ways. Childless, never married and still have active social lives!

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Ruby Slippers

I never felt comfortable dating older men until my early 30s. I've still never had a relationship with a man more than about 5 years older. I've just always clicked better with men around my age or slightly older. But I'm realistic - now that I'm older myself, I'm open to dating older.

 

As a woman in her late 20s, you're a prime target for most men, those who are late 20s and up. So your range of reasonable prospects is still very wide. If you're not comfortable dating older, don't.

 

By the way, I got approached by significantly older men more on OLD than I ever have offline.

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In fairness 33 "sounds" a lot older than 28 in some ways. At least for me I think of a 28 year old as still being a young adult, getting started on their life, relatively fresh out of school. Whereas I expect a 33 year old to be more set in their life.

 

Yes, this!! This is exactly how I feel! They are more established. Which, I suppose, could have a lot to do with the stage of life i'm currently in.

 

OP I totally get it. I am older than you: mid to late 30s. Never marries and no kids.

 

Some people my age seem so "mature." I am still the social person who goes out a few nights a week...though now I am more apt to go to bed early. ;)

 

Although, based on my age, I should be looking at people from roughly 30-45, those people over 40 seem so "old" and "experienced" and I meet many men my age who have kids and/or are divorced. Which feels like a huge life stage away.

 

Or other people who are way more professionally accomplished, they feel like they have had 3 careers at my age.

 

I match best with people a little bit more similar in life experience to me. I haven't quite been able to get to a 40 something yet. Many I have met feel really old or really really young.

 

I am still looking. My current target is a little younger than me, but we are in a similar life stage in many ways. Childless, never married and still have active social lives!

 

You've hit the nail on the head with this one! Do you feel intimidated by the men who are in a different stage of life than you? Or just not interested? I'm not sure why I feel intimidated versus feeling disinterested.

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I never felt comfortable dating older men until my early 30s. I've still never had a relationship with a man more than about 5 years older. I've just always clicked better with men around my age or slightly older. But I'm realistic - now that I'm older myself, I'm open to dating older.

 

As a woman in her late 20s, you're a prime target for most men, those who are late 20s and up. So your range of reasonable prospects is still very wide. If you're not comfortable dating older, don't.

 

By the way, I got approached by significantly older men more on OLD than I ever have offline.

 

Same here! When I get approached IRL, it's always by men who are closer to my age. I didn't even realize older men were attracted to me until I started OLD. I suppose it's why i've never given the idea of dating an older man much thought.

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fitnessfan365
Same here! When I get approached IRL, it's always by men who are closer to my age. I didn't even realize older men were attracted to me until I started OLD. I suppose it's why i've never given the idea of dating an older man much thought.

 

Long hair, great smile, and glasses. I'd approach you IRL if I was single. But even though I'm 34, people always think I'm 26 or 27. So I guess that means I'd be in your age range? Haha ;)

 

My guess about OLD though, is older men feel more confident in talking to younger women when they don't have to be face to face. As intimidated as you say you feel, I'm guessing that older men can feel equally as intimidated approaching women younger than them.

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Long hair, great smile, and glasses. I'd approach you IRL if I was single. But even though I'm 34, people always think I'm 26 or 27. So I guess that means I'd be in your age range? Haha ;)

 

My guess about OLD though, is older men feel more confident in talking to younger women when they don't have to be face to face. As intimidated as you say you feel, I'm guessing that older men can feel equally as intimidated approaching women younger than them.

 

That's incredibly flattering :love: Thank you!

 

You bring up a good point. Looks do have a factor in this. If a 33 year old man who looks aged were to approach me, i'd find it more intimidating than if a 33 year old man who looks my age would.

 

I never thought about the fact that older men may feel intimidated approaching me. That's oddly refreshing :o

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You've hit the nail on the head with this one! Do you feel intimidated by the men who are in a different stage of life than you? Or just not interested? I'm not sure why I feel intimidated versus feeling disinterested.

 

I feel comparatively inexperienced. And sometimes a little immature. I think it can translate to disinterest or worry that I am not mature enough for them.

 

My second problem is I look fairly young, so some people may age look so much older than I do! And some of the people over 40 just look super old! And I am horrible guessing people's ages. The challenge with looking young and being over 35 is that some of those 20-somethings are totally freaked out when I reveal my age. I am still trying to work my way around this. I feel very in-between-y.

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I feel comparatively inexperienced. And sometimes a little immature. I think it can translate to disinterest or worry that I am not mature enough for them.

 

My second problem is I look fairly young, so some people may age look so much older than I do! And some of the people over 40 just look super old! And I am horrible guessing people's ages. The challenge with looking young and being over 35 is that some of those 20-somethings are totally freaked out when I reveal my age. I am still trying to work my way around this. I feel very in-between-y.

 

:laugh: "In-between-y" I love it! And I can totally relate! You and I are definitely in the same boat.

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Same here! When I get approached IRL, it's always by men who are closer to my age. I didn't even realize older men were attracted to me until I started OLD. I suppose it's why i've never given the idea of dating an older man much thought.

 

The reason it happens more online than in real life is probably because you may look or act younger in person. A guy echo is in his late 30s/early 40s isn't interested in someone 21-26 but would be interested in someone who was 29-35.

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I never thought about the fact that older men may feel intimidated approaching me. That's oddly refreshing :o

 

I agree. I had no idea a younger woman would be intimated by an older man. Quite the opposite.

 

I'm 36 and I often feel like I'm being creepy even considering approaching a woman 10 years my junior.

 

Ironically, my last girlfriend was 27.. If she hadn't approached me, I'd never had thought I'd find me attractive!

 

Really, this age thing is all in our heads. What does it hurt going out on a few dates to meet these men and see how you feel about them? Don't let the numbers freak you out. Trust your feelings.

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What causes your intimidation?

 

 

I've never been involved with women with more than a 4-5 year age gap myself but can tell you if I was single, I'd not feel comfortable approaching a much younger woman than me. Even if I found her very attractive and a great match.

 

The social stigmacommonly associated with an older guy/younger woman as creepy, paedophile, etc is enough of a turn off.

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I agree. I had no idea a younger woman would be intimated by an older man. Quite the opposite.

 

I'm 36 and I often feel like I'm being creepy even considering approaching a woman 10 years my junior.

 

Ironically, my last girlfriend was 27.. If she hadn't approached me, I'd never had thought I'd find me attractive!

 

Really, this age thing is all in our heads. What does it hurt going out on a few dates to meet these men and see how you feel about them? Don't let the numbers freak you out. Trust your feelings.

 

It really wouldn't hurt to go on a date. I could try it. I'd need to learn how to get out of my own head before hand though :laugh: I can't imagine that i'd be much fun while feeling intimidated.

 

What causes your intimidation?

 

 

I've never been involved with women with more than a 4-5 year age gap myself but can tell you if I was single, I'd not feel comfortable approaching a much younger woman than me. Even if I found her very attractive and a great match.

 

The social stigmacommonly associated with an older guy/younger woman as creepy, paedophile, etc is enough of a turn off.

 

I suppose i'm just afraid that i'm not mature enough for them, or that they are in a different stage of life than I am.

 

You're absolutely right. There is a social stigma attached to fairly large age gaps between men and women. I do admit, I can't understand why a 40-something year old would want to be with me. It is a little bit creepy, especially the ones who are old enough to be my dad.

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SincereOnlineGuy
As I slowly begin putting myself back onto the dating scene, i've noticed that the majority of men reaching out to me (through OLD) are considerably older than I am. I'm not interested in dating men 10 years older than myself, but i've realized that even the men who are 5 years older than me (i'm 28) I tend to shy away from due to me being intimidated.

 

It's silly, I know. How can I be intimidated by someone who i've never even spoken to?

 

Regardless, this problem is seriously limiting my options. Is this normal? Is there a way to overcome this issue?

 

As a side note, I would like to add that I have taken the time to speak with a couple of older men. It always ends because the feeling of intimidation becomes too great for me. I'm always aware of their age in the back of my mind.

 

 

 

Is there any chance that this is at least in part a function of the dynamic caused by your not being where you want to be in the rest of life? Do you find it difficult to envision yourself as an equal in a romantic interaction when you don't feel as "equal" as you would like to be, at this point? (relating largely to the rest of your world, not talking about dating/socializing)

 

I mean, IF the rest of life was sailing nicely for you, and you were happy and gainfully employed doing something you love... would this part be easier??

 

 

I suspect, that for lots of women who date older men, the feeling of being taken care of is prominent in their sense of the relationship... where, with m-m-m-m-most modern women, they pride themselves on independence, and engage in relationships because they want to, and because it enhances their lives, and not because they (need to be taken-care-of).

 

 

I am in no way saying that youuuuuuuuuu do (or don't) have any interest in being taken-care-of... just that the dynamics of older-younger relationships might (especially at this time) be pressing against your natural yearning for being self-sufficient, etc.

 

 

 

(contrast that with how you might feel when talking to an attractive 26yo guy who you saw at the shopping mall as he was exiting the video arcade wearing jeans and a t-shirt, and not looking too successful beyond his merely being attractive in your eyes. )

 

 

Hope some of this is at all clear?

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SincereOnlineGuy
Yes, this!! This is exactly how I feel! They are more established. Which, I suppose, could have a lot to do with the stage of life i'm currently in.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, uh, I shoulda read the thread...

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SincereOnlineGuy

 

I can't understand why a 40-something year old would want to be with me. It is a little bit creepy, especially the ones who are old enough to be my dad.

 

 

 

... while they, at the same time, can't understand why a dream like you would want to be with them

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Is there any chance that this is at least in part a function of the dynamic caused by your not being where you want to be in the rest of life? Do you find it difficult to envision yourself as an equal in a romantic interaction when you don't feel as "equal" as you would like to be, at this point? (relating largely to the rest of your world, not talking about dating/socializing)

 

I mean, IF the rest of life was sailing nicely for you, and you were happy and gainfully employed doing something you love... would this part be easier??

 

 

I suspect, that for lots of women who date older men, the feeling of being taken care of is prominent in their sense of the relationship... where, with m-m-m-m-most modern women, they pride themselves on independence, and engage in relationships because they want to, and because it enhances their lives, and not because they (need to be taken-care-of).

 

 

I am in no way saying that youuuuuuuuuu do (or don't) have any interest in being taken-care-of... just that the dynamics of older-younger relationships might (especially at this time) be pressing against your natural yearning for being self-sufficient, etc.

 

 

 

(contrast that with how you might feel when talking to an attractive 26yo guy who you saw at the shopping mall as he was exiting the video arcade wearing jeans and a t-shirt, and not looking too successful beyond his merely being attractive in your eyes. )

 

 

Hope some of this is at all clear?

 

Oh, uh, I shoulda read the thread...

 

:laugh: That's ok! And you're right. I think, perhaps, the majority of my intimidation stems from feeling like my life isn't very stable at the moment. There are definitely things that I can do to improve on my situation, and I think once i've done that then hopefully it'll make me feel a bit more secure (for lack of a better word).

 

... while they, at the same time, can't understand why a dream like you would want to be with them

 

I didn't mean any offense by my comment, and I really hope no one took it as such! :o

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It really wouldn't hurt to go on a date. I could try it. I'd need to learn how to get out of my own head before hand though :laugh: I can't imagine that i'd be much fun while feeling intimidated.

 

I suppose i'm just afraid that i'm not mature enough for them, or that they are in a different stage of life than I am.

 

You're absolutely right. There is a social stigma attached to fairly large age gaps between men and women. I do admit, I can't understand why a 40-something year old would want to be with me. It is a little bit creepy, especially the ones who are old enough to be my dad.

 

Well, rest assured you're experiences are completely normal. Some women aren't bothered by the age gap, others are.

 

It's a huge world and there's no pressure for you to date men outside of your preferred age range.

 

It's about how large a dating pool you're fishing in. Everyone is completely entitled to have preferences, so long as they accept that with each one applied, the dating pool shrinks a little.

 

Do you have difficulty finding men your own age to date?

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Well, rest assured you're experiences are completely normal. Some women aren't bothered by the age gap, others are.

 

It's a huge world and there's no pressure for you to date men outside of your preferred age range.

 

It's about how large a dating pool you're fishing in. Everyone is completely entitled to have preferences, so long as they accept that with each one applied, the dating pool shrinks a little.

 

Do you have difficulty finding men your own age to date?

 

Well, since i've recently moved to a new city, I haven't made any friends here yet. Which is why i'm trying OLD. But usually, I don't have any problems dating men my own age. It's just with online dating i'm not getting many men that are my age. I'd say that about 95% of the men that message me are around 10 years older.

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Well, since i've recently moved to a new city, I haven't made any friends here yet. Which is why i'm trying OLD. But usually, I don't have any problems dating men my own age. It's just with online dating i'm not getting many men that are my age. I'd say that about 95% of the men that message me are around 10 years older.

 

Well, weirdly, you'll find that men will often date younger.

 

So the guys your age are probably trying to date girls who are 3-5 years younger than you. It's quite common.

 

Once you start building your new social circle, I'm sure you'll have no difficulty in attracting suitors :)

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