Jump to content

Alcohol becoming a big issue in my relationship


randomman

Recommended Posts

I'm a 30/M and she's a 35/F. I don't drink very often. I've been drunk once or twice in my life and won't do it again. I will have a glass of wine with dinner or drink a beer, but will never get the least bit intoxicated.

My GF comes from a life of heavy drinking during college/early adult years. A family where alcohol is heavily used and a father that had been an alcoholic and has been sober for over a decade, and friends that like to "have fun" during get-togethers. She slowed down a bit when she was married and had a kid , but then got divorced 3 years ago and started "partying" again (shared custody, only drinks when she doesn't have the kid). She has since slowed down a lot since it was catching up with her.

 

 

Here's the issue, I come from a land where I essentially don't like alcohol affecting a person's mental state. I was very upfront with this when we started talking in June and it was a point of contention, but we thought we talked it through and came to an agreement. Which was basically, we were both OK with her occasionally drinking if she stopped before drinking too much.

 

 

We went to a family party Friday and she got what she called tipsy, but she drank enough where she passed out(not blacked out, but couldn't stay awake to listen/converse) twice while we were talking that night and woke up the next morning "tired" and with a headache. Something I've never seen her do and completely uncomfortable with.

 

 

We had a long serious discussion which basically came down to us agreeing that I would loosen up a bit, if she would limit how much she would drink so that she wouldn't drink too much where it's affecting her physically. Just enough to take the edge off.

 

 

Her best friend got into a serious discussion with her last night, saying that she noticed she didn't drink Saturday night at her friends kids bday party and was worried that I was "controlling". My GF said hell no, but I kind of wondered the same thing on Saturday and voiced that to my GF.

 

 

Which broke into another discussion today. Where she finally admitted to being more than just tipsy Friday night, something she had downplayed all weekend. She refuted that she was passing out because of the alcohol, and never lead me to believe that being tired and the headache Saturday were due to drinking(she has frequent migraines). I feel like I was mislead, but she keeps insisting that she didn't lie to me.

 

 

I'm very honest and really never lie. I think it's extremely harmful. I believe my girlfriend is one of the best people I've ever met and completely trust her. But this alcohol issue keeps rearing its ugly head. I don't know what to make of it. Now I feel like she was downplaying her "drunkenness" Friday night to side step another alcohol argument.

Any thoughts? Am I being a pain? Is she being dishonest? Should I lighten up? What is a good compromise on this?

 

 

I feel like I can loosen the leash on my prohibition sentiment as long as she agrees to not get past tipsy and not get to a point where it's affecting her physically, whether she's with me or not. I don't want to be in a relationship where alcohol can play a major role. I detest the thought of it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's impossible to have a healthy long term relationship with a partier, if you aren't interested in that behavior yourself.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks for your reply!

 

 

To clarify, I wouldn't consider her a partier. This is the 1st or 2nd time I've seen her like this in 4 months. Though, she can't seem to understand my disdain for alcohol.

 

 

The words out of her mouth were, "I like the way it makes me feel". Again, however, I believe she does a good job of limiting consumption to a few times a year. From our short history anyways. I tend to trust her when she tells me that though. She's never lied about anything else and we've shared a lot more intimate details of our lives than drinking.

Link to post
Share on other sites

She made a lifestyle choice that you don't like. Assuming she will never change, you either have to deal with her as is or walk away. You can't make her change.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
She made a lifestyle choice that you don't like. Assuming she will never change, you either have to deal with her as is or walk away. You can't make her change.

 

Totally agree with this, you either accept how she is or you don't pursue a relationship with her. Your use of the word "prohibition" and "she can drink to take the edge off but no more" actually does sounds controlling. Any cutback on her alcohol intake will need to come from her and because she wants to, not because you are forcing her.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Thanks for your reply!

 

To clarify, I wouldn't consider her a partier. This is the 1st or 2nd time I've seen her like this in 4 months. Though, she can't seem to understand my disdain for alcohol.

 

Then why did you say this issue keeps rearing its ugly head? If anything, it sounds like she has agreed to your demands. Getting drunk once or twice in four months is hardly excessive. And of course she downplayed her drunkenness and hangover from Friday, because she knew you'd be angry that she drank too much.

 

In my opinion, though, this will not work for the long term unless you lighten up. At some point, she will start to feel that you are controlling her when she might occasionally just want to let loose and drink without judgment. Frankly, she's your girlfriend, not your child. Telling her how much she's allowed to drink and when is likely going to get old as your relationship progresses.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

It keeps "rearing its ugly head" because the couple times it has happened its turned into a day or two long argument.

 

 

You hit the nail on the head,.... and I don't want to be controlling in the situation. I know how it negatively effects the relationship and I'm trying to find a resolution to this where I'm not controlling and she's honestly compromising from a good place. Not just because she's afraid of what might happen if she doesn't change.

 

 

We have 2 very different lifestyles in regards to alcohol. I hate it. I don't want it to play a part in my life. I don't want my GF/wife coming home tipsy/drunk/intoxicated whether with me or out with friends. I have a Buddhist mindset on alcohol, it's a poison to your mind. It's altering. I hate that. I don't want it around me, and especially don't want my loved ones to be in that state. So even if it's once every 4 months, that's too much for me.

 

 

She wants to get tipsy every once and a while. She "likes the way it makes her feel". That exact quote is why I have a bigger issue with this. I feel like it's a weak state of mind. Which is why I don't choose it for myself.

Link to post
Share on other sites
. She "likes the way it makes her feel". That exact quote is why I have a bigger issue with this. I feel like it's a weak state of mind. Which is why I don't choose it for myself.

 

You two may be fundamentally incompatible at this stage in your lives.

  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites
We have 2 very different lifestyles in regards to alcohol. I hate it. I don't want it to play a part in my life. I don't want my GF/wife coming home tipsy/drunk/intoxicated whether with me or out with friends. I have a Buddhist mindset on alcohol, it's a poison to your mind. It's altering. I hate that. I don't want it around me, and especially don't want my loved ones to be in that state. So even if it's once every 4 months, that's too much for me.

 

 

She wants to get tipsy every once and a while. She "likes the way it makes her feel". That exact quote is why I have a bigger issue with this. I feel like it's a weak state of mind. Which is why I don't choose it for myself.

 

This above says you are not compatible. You consider her to have a weak state of mind and want her to change, she doesn't want to change. I would end it and find someone who shares your values when it comes to this issue.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

So you're all suggesting to end an otherwise amazing relationship because of this one disagreement?

 

 

We're literally compatible or have compromised on every other major issue we've been put up against, but this one issue should knock down the house of cards?

Link to post
Share on other sites
So you're all suggesting to end an otherwise amazing relationship because of this one disagreement?

 

 

We're literally compatible or have compromised on every other major issue we've been put up against, but this one issue should knock down the house of cards?

 

I am, yes. You said this was becoming a big issue in your relationship. You don't just "dislike" her use of alcohol. You "detest" it and think it shows a "weak state of mind". You are so strongly against it that your girlfriend feels she has to lie about her level of drunkenness on Friday. This is all very harmful stuff and doesn't point to compatibility. Sometimes one issue is all it takes to make or break the relationship. To me this is a fundamental disconnect.

 

And did you say you have only been dating since June? Or is that when you first discussed her alcohol use? If you have only been dating since June, and you have already had several disagreements, then it shows this is a make or break issue that will likely only become bigger over time unless she agrees to cut right back, which she seems unwilling to do.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
So you're all suggesting to end an otherwise amazing relationship because of this one disagreement?

 

 

We're literally compatible or have compromised on every other major issue we've been put up against, but this one issue should knock down the house of cards?

 

She's not going to give up drinking. You are going to continue think it's bad. You already don't want a wife who drinks so what else is there? You accept her drinking, which you won't do, or you walk away, because she's not quitting.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

It's not an insignificant disagreement that can easily be moved past if you and her have incompatible attitudes towards an issue. Binge drinking like she's doing can become problematic, especially since she comes from a family background of alcoholism, but unless she believes that her drinking is problematic and negatively affecting her, she won't change how she consumes alcohol.

 

Prohibiting her won't work, confronting her won't work. You can let her know that you are concerned about both her physical and emotional health when she drinks to the degree of getting buzzed or becomes unconscious. You can care about her, but if you absolutely don't want alcohol as a feature in your life a relationship with this particular woman won't work.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

We've only been dating since June. I had this talk upfront in July with her before she even drank in front of me so I Was upfront about my view on it. That was our first disagreement on it. This disagreement Friday was probably our second big issue with it and the first time I noticed she was intoxicated.

 

 

Do you think we can make a fundamental compromise, where I loosen up a bit and I'm ok with her occasionally drinking, if she limits herself once she starts "feeling it"? Is that a healthy compromise?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Do you think we can make a fundamental compromise, where I loosen up a bit and I'm ok with her occasionally drinking, if she limits herself once she starts "feeling it"? Is that a healthy compromise?

 

It's a very healthy compromise but not one that a drinker can realistically stick to.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Let me clarify, this is the 2nd time she's drank a decent amount of alcohol in front of me and the first time I've noticed she was intoxicated.

 

 

She wasn't black out drunk, she could walk and talk and function normally, she was just passing out(falling asleep) as we were having this discussion Friday night. I noticed she was acting different at the party and was drinking a lot quickly. Just the typical louder, laughier, more loose "tipsy" act. She did wake up the next day with a headache and tired. She gets migraines from a lack of sleep and being tired. So I contribute the headache to being present from drinking and the lack of sleep. Which in turn, was probably due to the drinking. I don't see her as a binge drinker, and she wasn't to the point of embarrassing drunkenness Friday night. This is 2x in 4 months, and I wouldn't consider her sloppy drunk either time.

 

 

It's just my disdain for alcohol that kind of paints the picture of her worse than she really was. I like it 0%

Edited by randomman
Link to post
Share on other sites
usernametaken

This sounds like a dealbreaker for you - and it should be one for her as well.

 

I don't find her behavior terribly concerning, to be honest. Getting drunk once or twice since June doesn't scream "problem drinker" to me.

 

Are you very religious and/or conservative? If you aren't, you may have trouble finding single people whose stance towards alcohol mirror your own. There is nothing wrong with your stance, mind you - it's just probably not a very common one apart from religious people and recovering alcoholics.

 

A lot of people like to drink and occasionally get a little drunk. It's fun.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

You can stay in the relationship but don't even think about getting married unless she gets the drinking under control and establishes a track record of maintaining control, say for at least a yr, preferably longer.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I'm not religious at all or ultra conservative, which is very odd why I have such a strong stance on alcohol. I don't have any alcoholics in my family and have never had any bad run ins with it. I just don't like what it does and how it effects people. Believe me, I know I'm going to have a hard time finding someone who thinks the way I do, and I know there's nothing wrong with it. But that's why I'm trying to be receptive to how my GF feels about it because I truly do see a future with her.

 

 

Also, I don't think she has a drinking problem, but I would be lying if I said it doesn't worry me that it is a big part of her family history and present. And with her friends parties (adult and kids birthdays). Which, is no different than most gatherings. My brother gets sloshed at weddings and family parties too and I have the same grossed out feeling towards him when he does it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
usernametaken
I'm not religious at all or ultra conservative, which is very odd why I have such a strong stance on alcohol. I don't have any alcoholics in my family and have never had any bad run ins with it. I just don't like what it does and how it effects people. Believe me, I know I'm going to have a hard time finding someone who thinks the way I do, and I know there's nothing wrong with it. But that's why I'm trying to be receptive to how my GF feels about it because I truly do see a future with her.

 

 

Also, I don't think she has a drinking problem, but I would be lying if I said it doesn't worry me that it is a big part of her family history and present. And with her friends parties (adult and kids birthdays). Which, is no different than most gatherings. My brother gets sloshed at weddings and family parties too and I have the same grossed out feeling towards him when he does it.

 

Maybe just try getting a little bit tipsy once or twice with her.

 

Who knows, you might like it ;)

 

(I kid, I kid)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Haha, I got drunk/tipsy once or twice and will never do it again. I don't have a desire to feel "relaxed" at gatherings. I like who I am and don't need to "loosen" up to have fun. That's a big part of my dislike for it. People use a mind altering substance to make themselves feel better, because they can't do it without it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 

We have 2 very different lifestyles in regards to alcohol. I hate it. I don't want it to play a part in my life. I don't want my GF/wife coming home tipsy/drunk/intoxicated whether with me or out with friends. I have a Buddhist mindset on alcohol, it's a poison to your mind. It's altering. I hate that. I don't want it around me, and especially don't want my loved ones to be in that state. So even if it's once every 4 months, that's too much for me.

 

 

She wants to get tipsy every once and a while. She "likes the way it makes her feel". That exact quote is why I have a bigger issue with this. I feel like it's a weak state of mind. Which is why I don't choose it for myself.

 

You need to face that you and your gf are not compatible. She may be accepting of your control now but sooner or later she will start resenting you for acting like her father. Maybe it's best to find a woman with the same thoughts about alcohol as you.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
Believe me, I know I'm going to have a hard time finding someone who thinks the way I do, and I know there's nothing wrong with it.

 

 

 

You'd be wrong about this. Alot of women abstain from alcohol. It's bad for the looks.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
mattelipstick
Haha, I got drunk/tipsy once or twice and will never do it again. I don't have a desire to feel "relaxed" at gatherings. I like who I am and don't need to "loosen" up to have fun. That's a big part of my dislike for it. People use a mind altering substance to make themselves feel better, because they can't do it without it.

 

People who drink have weak minds, don't like who they are, can't do without it -- you make a lot of very, very, very judgmental and overbroad assumptions where drinking is concerned. Add me to the list of those who think you need to find someone who shares your beliefs.

 

I'm a believer in compromise, but not when your position is so incredibly staunch. If I had to have a 2-3 day argument every time I wanted to have a few glasses of wine, the relationship would be over very quickly.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Let me clarify, this is the 2nd time she's drank a decent amount of alcohol in front of me and the first time I've noticed she was intoxicated.

 

She wasn't black out drunk, she could walk and talk and function normally,

 

Random, I'm surprised at a lot of things you're saying. You have actually said she's barely drank since you have dated her, however, you have fought with her up to 2 days over this? You have a very serious issue with alcohol, not her!

 

People who drink at parties or get-togethers are not weak in any way. They call it intoxication because that's what it is. It's not the same as being sober! Some people like to get intoxicated on occasion to change things up instead of being stiff and rigid. There's nothing good about being stiff and rigid all the time. People who drink occasionally live longer and are healthy, well-rounded individuals.

 

I was just watching a documentary the other day about people who are living into their 100's and about half of them drink, one lady was 114, if I'm not mistaken, and wakes up every morning and has a glass of hard liquor.

 

When I was bartending, I had a 93 year old man come in every single day at noon (right when I opened) who started every day getting a little bombed on vodka. Every day like clockwork. He didn't stop until he felt intoxicated. When I didn't see him on the weekends, he drove 4 hours to another state to his girlfriends house. Guy was always on the move, always busy and a lot healthier than I was! I learned a lot from that guy...

 

Your life span is probably going to be a lot shorter than your girlfriends. Humans found out millennia ago that alcohol is good for you (in moderation).

 

Is any of this helpful for you? You keep saying you two agreed to compromise and after that you keep saying she won't do what you say. That's not what compromise is. But, you already knew that.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...